New relationship, feeling wary

[CouthyMow]

I have been seeing my new man for about 3 months. To start with, it was lovely, he understood that with 4 DC I don't get that much time to 'go out' like never at night, and rarely during the daytime.

One comment he made when we were talking about the break ups of our previous relationships made me a bit - he said that his ex was very pernickety and controlling, and he couldn't cope with having to have a place for everything and remember where things go.

I discounted that, as it might have been more my issues with MY Ex-P that made me go .

However, he then sold his car (that is essential for him to get to work) before he had got another, the car was fine, he just felt it was 'too small'. He then spent days rushing around trying to find a car for under £600, rushed into it, and bought a dud.

He then got himself into debt to buy another car.

His impulsiveness is starting to send little alarm bells ringing.

Then he has made a few other comments that leave me the last 2 weeks - how he couldn't live in such a small house with so much stuff, it would drive him mad, how he couldn't cope with so much mess (I have 4 DC in a very small house, no storage), how I need to get the things out of my hall (a smart trike, the prams, one of which is always folded, the DC's school shoes and bags, the ironing board as none of them have anywhere else to go).

He did to start with give me a hand with tidying etc, but now he has already stopped that, and what is more, has taken to leaving things around, like an empty drinks bottle on the counter, or dirty mugs without rinsing them.

I KNOW this all sounds like minimal stuff, but god some reason, much as I like him in other ways, my internal klaxon is starting to fire up. I've never HAD an internal klaxon before, hence some god awful abusive relationships in the past.

Thing is, I'm not sure if my internal klaxon should be going off, or if it's just because I am trying almost too hard to spot signs that he might be like my Ex's?

Any advice? Do I run for the hills, or do I keep a watchful eye, or do I ignore these little things and chalk it up to trying to be TOO observant?!

What do you want from him? Are you envisaging a LTR or is he just a fairly non-serious boyfriend?

None of the things you have mentioned make me think he's a terrible person, but I couldn't be arsed with disorganised people who sold their car before sorting out a new one, or criticised how I lived without being helpful about it.

I would say watchful eye and ditch the minute it starts to get you down.

(Congratulation on the acquisition of a Klaxon BTW :))

To be fair to him, I think it is incredibly hard to have a relationship with someone who has four children and who lives in a small house. I'm on your side here, so bear with me! It must seem as though there's a lot of noise, a lot of people and a lot of things lying around that he can't see the point of.

Having said that, I think I'd get rid. You have developed this klaxon and thank god for that. Anyone who goes to someone's house and leaves more work for them to do should be dumped. Anyone who criticises someone's house when it's clear the other person has no choice (eg lack of room) should be dumped. Anyone who is so stupid regarding those cars should be treated with caution.

Just get rid. He sounds more like a liability, to be honest.

I was looking for something long term, but the klaxons are starting to fire up, and I'm a leetle concerned...

Tbh, it is the leaving more work thing that is setting alarm bells off, it was how my Ex started 13 years ago, but I didn't know how it would pan out due to the lack of klaxon...

It's been such a short time and the bells are already ringing. It's your home and up to you how you organise it, no point in him criticising if he is only going to add to the mess problem. Personally I'd get rid.

"He couldn't cope with having to have a place for everything and remember where things go."

BUT

"he couldn't cope with so much mess (I have 4 DC in a very small house, no storage), how I need to get the things out of my hall (a smart trike, the prams, one of which is always folded, the DC's school shoes and bags, the ironing board as none of them have anywhere else to go)."

So what he is saying to you basically is:

"I will not tolerate being told to tidy up my stuff. But I will tell you to tidy up your stuff and your DCs' stuff."

Tbh I wouldn't bother, he sounds immature and disorganised with his own stuff but quite opinionated about you and yours,

Read Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft and see if you recognise more things that might set off your klaxon.

But definitely don't commit yourself to anything (e.g. combining finances, moving in together etc) unless you're sure he isn't abusive this time.

It doesn't sound good just from this though.

If this is what he is like after 4 months then after 12 he's going to be a whole lot worse. The signs already are not good.

Bin him off now as this one has a lot of red flags fluttering around him. Your klaxon is going off for a reason; listen to your inner voice here.

BTW you may well want to read "Women who love too much" written by Robin Norwood. Also it may be an idea to have counselling to unlearn all the damaging relationship stuff you have learnt to date. Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid is good.

NEVER ignore the klaxon!

Well done for hearing it. This guy's not right for you, and definitely not right for your DC.

OP the other thing that sets off the klaxon is that he appears to make decisions without considering the consequences. As such "If I sell my car today [gasp], I can't get to work tomorrow!" Thus A>>B>>C, and so will put himself (and you) in situations that are not tenable. What other things has he been irresponsible about? An interesting issue to ponder....

Anyway I think your klaxon has sounded well and truly on this one. Good on you for developing that!

Read the Lundy Bancroft book over a year ago, when separating from Ex-P, but it might be a good idea to re-read it.

I'm glad that these things aren't just throwing warning bells to me, it means I AM learning how I don't want to be treated, and I AM learning that some things that seem little to start with on face value can be indicative of greater issues.

It DOES worry me that he isn't thinking about the logical consequences to his actions, the car one is one I have witnessed, but there was another he mentioned 'in passing' a few nights ago that stuck with me, it sounds even dafter, but it's about getting a sofa on credit from a catalogue company with his Ex when they were together, even though he knew it would be dearer then saving for one first, his back was hurting on their old one, and he couldn't wait any longer...he is now in debt to a catalogue company, in his name, for a sofa he has left with his Ex, and he has spoke about how much in debt 'she' got them, tbh, I wonder how much was really HER getting him in debt, and how much was HIM getting her in debt IYWSIM...

I think I will retreat from this fledgling relationship because there are just too many alarm bells ringing in my ears. If I hear any more, I may get tinnitus!

After getting some reassurance on this thread, I feel slightly more confident that I am developing a twat radar, I just wish that it had happened 15 years ago!

I read on MN all the time that "you shouldn't ignore it when a man tells you what he's REALLY like". Well, I think this bloke has told me - and now I think I'd be a fool not to listen!

I want to go on the Freedom Programme, my friend who was in a refuge says it has really helped her. But as I've not involved the police in any of my abusive relationships (due mainly to the fact that the house has always been in my name only, Housing Association rules that I'm now thankful for ), and haven't been in a refuge since I lived in one aged 3/4yo with my mother, how would I get about GETTING on the Freedom Programme?

And remember, no matter what he says, that it's fine to dump him just because you don't want to pursue the relationship. You've only been with him for three months, which is around the time that many healthy people decide whether to continue a relationship or move on.

And Balloonslayer's bang on, by the way: what he is telling you is that he considers women servants and expects them to be obedient and grateful ones as well.

How many men are there out there that are abusive, compared to how many that aren't?

I seem to meet more than my fair share of twats!

It's not that I mind being alone, but I can't go without sex for more than 6 months! It's really hard to meet anyone when I ALWAYS have at least 1 DC with me. My Ex-P has only just agreed to have 16mo DS3 overnight ONCE this weekend so I can sleep. He refuses to even commit to an overnight every 8 weeks, despite that only being 6 fucking nights a year, and despite having our 8yo every other Saturday night.

So I've always got DS3, and DD only stays with her dad 4 weeks a year in school holidays due to distance.

I think I fall into these crap relationships through wanting sex, and not being able to get out and meet anyone.

Three months and you have kids. He should only just be meeting them slowly. Not having the run of your house. Dump him. Take some time to be yourself and look at your boundaries. Think about your kids.

Have you thought about doing a bit of internet dating now and again, just for sex? I'm always seeing complaints about men on websites being idiots who only want a shag ... was thinking it might be handy if you wanted the shag but not the relationship?? No experience to offer you, but how about checking the dating threads? They seem to be having a laugh anyhow.

Aww sweetie, dont' be too hard on yourself. Good on you for developing that twat radar, and then coming here to get some unbiased opinions when you were unsure of yourself.

The sofa thing is another red flag for sure. Getting in debt for a sofa shows a lack of good decision making - things like real estate and cars are ok. And then the outcome of where the sofa ended up? [hmmm]

May I also suggest that if you are falling for crap relationships, then perhaps your self esteem is a bit low. By valuing yourself more, you will be more likely to reject twatish behaviour (like this guy has shown). A good book to read is the Six Pillars of Self Esteem by Nathaniel Branden, which will help you to see your as worthy of a good relationship. I mean this with a great deal of kindness btw.

Lisaro, in an ideal world, of course he wouldn't have met my DC yet. However, it's not an ideal world, is it.

I NEVER get free time. NEVER. I don't trust my own family enough to look after my DC without me there long story, but no one would!. I'm not 'allowed' to use a paid babysitter unless they are CRB checked. (Ex will go flying back to court), and being on benefits, I can't afford £12 an hour which the two that Ex-P deems acceptable to use cost.

How do I have a relationship at all if I don't introduce them to the DC much earlier than I would like?!

As for the Internet sex thing - my DC would still be in the house, and I think that's even LESS safe than it being someone I have been able to talk to and see face to face during the daytime first.

My Ex-P expects me to stay celibate until my 16mo is 18YO. And if I don't, then the malicious reports to SS and the benefits agency will start up again.

I'm binning this current one, and the fact that I am developing a twat radar is a GOOD thing as far as I am concerned.

Unless I wish to be celibate for the next 17 years, I have no choice but to introduce the DC sooner than I would like.

That's the thing, while my self esteem is fairly low, (getting told you're useless every day since you were 10yo tends to have that effect, as does the rest of my exceedingly crappy childhood), I AM finally getting to know what I won't accept during a relationship, and what could pose problems and cause issues in the future.

And yes, I DO understand that my Ex-P is still trying to control me from afar. Not much I can do, given that the local judge is a mysoginistic abuse aider. And that I can't get a solicitor to help, as my previous one no longer accepts legal aid, and every other one that does has done an initial consultation with my Ex-P, or even done work for him then asked him to leave. He admits he did that so I would be without legal representation if he ever took me to court!

So while I would challenge these things in court if I could, I will come up against a mysoginistic judge who believes that men tell the truth and women lie, with no legal representation, when my Ex-P does.

Rock and hard place!

Can you get to the CAB and ask about that crb checked Babysitter thing, that seems unreasonable, given his unwillingness to step up.

Your childcare is your responsibility, he cam't effectively dictate how you manage to live/go out.

Can you write to your MP about this? Pressure them to help a constituent in very difficult circumstances?

Your ex is a vile man, if you tell everyone what he's done, maybe someone will find a way to help you.

I know my Ex is a vile man! at least he's my Ex, could be worse, I could still be with him!

Yet he portrays himself as a saint because he pays more maintenance than the CSA says is the minimum he should, so he's a GREAT father, because he provides for his DC. He thinks he's great because he comes to MY house twice a week to see them (which I hate, but that's a whole other story, can't do much without a solicitor). After work, for 3-4 hrs.

I have no life.

MP not interested, already asked, he was great about my old housing issues, can't take this on unfortunately. CAB inaccessible due to it being too far away for me to get to, at the times it runs, due to school runs and public transport. Need appointments between 10.30 and 1.30, they are never available. CAB too over stretched here.