New relationship, feeling wary

[CouthyMow]

I have been seeing my new man for about 3 months. To start with, it was lovely, he understood that with 4 DC I don't get that much time to 'go out' like never at night, and rarely during the daytime.

One comment he made when we were talking about the break ups of our previous relationships made me a bit - he said that his ex was very pernickety and controlling, and he couldn't cope with having to have a place for everything and remember where things go.

I discounted that, as it might have been more my issues with MY Ex-P that made me go .

However, he then sold his car (that is essential for him to get to work) before he had got another, the car was fine, he just felt it was 'too small'. He then spent days rushing around trying to find a car for under £600, rushed into it, and bought a dud.

He then got himself into debt to buy another car.

His impulsiveness is starting to send little alarm bells ringing.

Then he has made a few other comments that leave me the last 2 weeks - how he couldn't live in such a small house with so much stuff, it would drive him mad, how he couldn't cope with so much mess (I have 4 DC in a very small house, no storage), how I need to get the things out of my hall (a smart trike, the prams, one of which is always folded, the DC's school shoes and bags, the ironing board as none of them have anywhere else to go).

He did to start with give me a hand with tidying etc, but now he has already stopped that, and what is more, has taken to leaving things around, like an empty drinks bottle on the counter, or dirty mugs without rinsing them.

I KNOW this all sounds like minimal stuff, but god some reason, much as I like him in other ways, my internal klaxon is starting to fire up. I've never HAD an internal klaxon before, hence some god awful abusive relationships in the past.

Thing is, I'm not sure if my internal klaxon should be going off, or if it's just because I am trying almost too hard to spot signs that he might be like my Ex's?

Any advice? Do I run for the hills, or do I keep a watchful eye, or do I ignore these little things and chalk it up to trying to be TOO observant?!

Could you move to somewhere less remote?

You don't have to have him in your home, you don't have to let him.

Have them ready for when he comes over and just hand them over to him to take OUT.

He's got you trapped alright, you CAN wriggle free, but you have to think creatively.

Call RESPECT, it's a support for perpetrators, but i hear is shockingly underused, as these 'men' don't think they have a problem.. :-S

The staff there are well versed in the tactics of these creatures so may be able to explain his actions and make suggestions as to how to counteract his evil.

Womens aid too may be able to point you in the direction of legal help.

He can't do this to you.

You can do the Freedom Programme online here: www.onespace.org.uk/elearning/courses/freedom-programme or as a home study course here: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

As your ex's requirements re babysitters are unreasonable I would suggest you have a chat with www.rightsofwomen.org.uk - if you should find yourself back in Court it may be that another judge will hear the case.

Most babysitters aren't professionals with CRB's but perfectly reliable young teens (I have 2 ) who you can trust.

Have to ask how would your Ex know you'd gone out & who your babysitter was.

Why does he have to come to your house for access that's totally controlling & out of order?!

Great for you, developing that klaxon get rid of the BF & get yourself a rabbit :0)

Rabbit not enough, never been a fan of self-love tbh!

He comes here AFTER work, it is too late, on a school night, to take an 8yo and a 16mo out. It started originally as when he left and DS3 was only 4mo, DS3 was ebf.

DS3 has been weaned for 4 months now. Ex-P doesn't drive, nor do I. Neither of us ever will be able to either. Ex-P lives in a room in a shared house, two buses and an hour and a half away by public transport.

Shit situation, but not much I can do. Also high chance if getting mysoginistic judge if we went to court.

He would know because his friend lives in the flat opposite my door, reports back my every move.

No chance of moving area, have a PSO from one of my other DC's fathers, made by this judge (who is still wrecking women's lives locally) have to keep him in the same school and due to public transport, can't move any further away without being in breach of the PSO.

Also in social housing, so not that easy to move anyway.

I just try to let him get in with things, grin and bear it twice a week, as it's set days (which took some pinning down, tbh) I can plan around it, and have finally learnt to ignore him getting people to watch me, and get on with my life as if it's not happening.

Police say it's not stalking because it is not him personally doing it, he has a variety of other people to watch me...not harassment either because no texts or calls, all verbal, i.e. did you have fun with your boyfriend last night? Did you have a good time with your friend yesterday afternoon? Subtly letting me know he knows my every move, even when I know he personally is at work!

Could you report your neighbour for spying on you, report them to the council?
Try and get him evicted?

Ex-P has a non-standard work pattern, too.

Week 1 he works Mon-Fri, then has Sat & Sun off, that's the weekend he has DS2 overnight on a Saturday. He comes round after work on Tue & Thur to see DS3.

Week 2 he works Mon, Wed, Fri, Sat, Sun. He has DS3 for a bit in the day on Tue, then stays after school to see DS2, then same on the Thurs.

All complicated by the fact that DS3 is so little, he lives so far away (by bus), his room isn't big enough to have both at once, and DS2 is in the Autistic Spectrum and can't cope with not seeing his dad for 13 days straight...

Really, it's something I am working in solving, the night this weekend us a step towards that, I have repeatedly let Ex-P know that he has to sort something out wrt working towards having DS3 every other weekend as well as DS2, but it's not easy!

They aren't council, and it's not just that one person - I'd have to report everyone my Ex-P knows!!

Please contact rights for women.

Report them all, what have you got to lose?

Do you see them following you? Photograph them and compile your own surveillance file.

It'll scare the crap out of them as to what you're going to do, and give them a taste of their own medicine.

Never give up.

Did that last time we were apart. They then reported me for taking photos (which they hadn't done, they'd just told him), police told me to stop or I would be in trouble for harassment...

I just let him and his friends get on with it tbh. Water off a duck's back. It win't be forever that he won't have DS3 overnight, I have told him that once DS3 is 2yo, he will have to either take both or neither.

He said if I withhold contact like that he'll take me back to court and win as he'll have legal rep and I won't.

Where did my go?!

Don't waste valuable time thinking about what you can't do - concentrate your energies on the things you can do such as the Freedom Programme and speaking to Rights Of Women using the links I've given in my earlier post at 11.52 above.

I want to do the freedom programme in person though, I feel I would get more out of it like that, though I will have a look later.

If you want to do it in person, contact your nearest Women's Aid branch www.womensaid.org.uk but if you're unable to get to the CAB it may be that the days/times for the course may not suit you - and you may have to wait before particiapting.

www.womensaid.org.uk

Definitely contact Rights Of Women, this is a disgraceful situation and one worth seriously publicizing: you need a feisty feminist lawyer to help you put your XP and the bad judge firmly in their places. You can forbid your XP to enter your home, the onus is on him to make proper arrangements to see his DC without having access to you if you do not want to see or speak to him.