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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

update with EA OH

46 replies

vanilla01 · 12/06/2012 18:06

if you have already read my post from sunday "i have just realised i not mad" you will know that it suddenly dawned on me after 20 years that i am living with an EA.
i spent most of sunday and monday battling with myself, one minute i decided i had imagined it all the next i was pretty definite that he was. i was quite confused about it all especially after he come home being super nice. i was almost wishing he would be horrible just so i could confirm he defiantly was.

then i spent most of monday night thinking about things in the past that have happend in our relationship that i put down at the time to "being me" or "my fault" or "i must of imagined it"- OMG it was all falling into place. he has been playing with my mind from day one!

like the time i walked into a pub he was in and he completely ignored me all night - not even a hello or acknowledgement nothing, then turned up at my flat about an hour after i got home as if nothing had happened and it was all in my head.
or the time when i phoned his flat and a girl answered, he said his uncle had taken a girl back to his flat that night and because his uncle was married i wasnt allowed to say anything - i fell for it hook line and sinker.

so many more stories - my god i should have MUG stamped on my forehead.

today i have woken up a different person - i have somehow dis-engaged myself from everything he is saying to me - how i did that overnight i do not know. So everything that comes out of his mouth i am seeing it with a different meaning.

so when he came home from work again being super nice - im thinking hes trying to reel me in, i wasnt particularly paying much attention to what he was saying when he just flipped - he said out of the blue why havent you paid this cheque in its been sitting in this house for a week (voice raising), then he went marching into the garage and started shouting from there - have you seen the mess in here look at it, you cant even be bothered to keep it tidy, (as he is frantically lobbing things out the garage door like a nutter), then he goes back in doors and starts cleaning, cursing me for not washing 2 plates up and having a few crumbs on the floor (my kitchen whilst he is doing this is already very clean and tidy)!, i just sat down in the living room didnt move or say a word almost sniggering at him. now normally when this happens i am running behind him like a nervous wreck trying to clean and tidy before he starts going into one.

i think im getting there - i cant quite get my head around leaving just yet im still scared to - but i will and im in a place today that i have never ever been before and i like it.

xxxxxxx

OP posts:
Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 12/06/2012 18:10

Well done Vanilla :) hang in there x

SirSugar · 12/06/2012 18:16

I reckon he will 'up his game' if you don't respond in the normal way; should be interesting viewing.

You could ask him very calmly; 'why do you become sooo cross regarding these trivial things, its quite unusal?'

Oh; you are gearing up to leave him, you will become less scared as you stand by and watch his silliness

Twiggy71 · 12/06/2012 18:16

That's good Vanilla that you can now see it, it took me 3 years of being separated to realise what had going on with my EA exh.
I bet you feel more empowered now and more in control somewhat of your life.
Yes your LIFE you can do and be what you want....personally I'd ditch the man in your life and be FREE...
Good luck hun...x

Four4me · 12/06/2012 18:17

Yeah for you. There are some very wise mners on here who will be able to give you loads of helpful advice and even more here to hold your hand. X

ShellyBobbs · 12/06/2012 18:17

Well done Vanilla, the light bulb is burning brightly that's all that's happened, it's switched on.

He won't know what's hit him, he will be very confused at the moment over your behavior. Good on you, you are so brave.

As a side note, I was at a the Manchester Festival on Sunday and they had a farmers market on there. Nearly every stall had homemade cupcakes or cake pops on it, so you are definitely in the right market and have a firm base for when you do leave. :)

Really pleased you've updated and so glad you are feeling more positive x

TheHappyHissy · 12/06/2012 18:18

You'll get there! Keep going!

SirSugar · 12/06/2012 18:18

I remember it took me about four years to realise that no matter how much I tried to be 'The Perfect Wife', by following his instructions, the goal posts always moved and it wasn't about me, it was him being a prat

Kernowgal · 12/06/2012 18:22

That lightbulb moment is amazing, isn't it? It was thanks to Mumsnet that I too realised that my (now ex-) partner was EA. For the 18 months or so that we were together I just thought it was normal, and that he was the way he was because of stuff that happened in his past (he forever played the victim, took no responsibility for his life then blamed me for the decisions I made on our behalf), but then I read the Lundy Bancroft book (read this if you can!!) and was shocked at how much of his behaviour was highlighted in there. After the shock wore off I was very angry, and now I just don't give a fuck. I detached from my relationship as soon as he started showing signs of potentially becoming physically abusive, but I also knew he would move out soon enough for reasons too boring to go into here, so there was a limit on how much longer it would go on.

The big message I took from the Bancroft book is that your partner knows exactly what he is doing. I spent most of my relationship thinking my ex-OH's ex-wife had fucked him up and sympathising with him for what she'd done to him; now I am pretty sure that he picked her because she was emotionally vulnerable and probably treated her much like he did me, because he could.

I am currently struggling with work colleagues who think the sun shines out of his arse (my company has close ties with his and we all know each other) and am having to button my lip for fear of telling them all exactly what he was like.

Sorry, that was all about me! But take comfort from the fact that you now know his game. The only way is up from here, even if it's a bit bumpy on the way. Good luck!

vanilla01 · 12/06/2012 18:36

well its all thanks to you guys here on mn. i wouldnt even know half of what i know today if it wasnt for you - i am eternally grateful. xxxxx and of course the lovely support i am getting from my 2 lovely friends.

so funny he has just gone out totally frustrated saying he will be home really late and not to do him dinner - "oh ok love" TW*T

thanks kernowgal - i will definitely be reading that xxx

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 12/06/2012 18:43

Hahahahahaha!!!

Make a delicious dinner just for you and leave a bit of evidence of it as 'a disgusting mess' in the kitchen Grin

Kernowgal · 12/06/2012 18:58

Be warned though, once you've left you may possibly develop slovenly habits. I didn't do the washing up for THREE WHOLE DAYS earlier this week, and nobody tutted or huffed (except for me when I realised I didn't have any plates left).

The guides at the top of the 'Support thread for those in EA relationships #1/2/3/4 etc' are well worth a read, there is some really useful information in there.

MissFaversham · 12/06/2012 18:59

way to go sweetheart! Grin xxx

NormaStanleyFletcher · 12/06/2012 19:03

Oh how exciting. It is like watching a butterfly emerge from an EA shell.

Sunnywithachanceofshowers · 12/06/2012 19:11

When I disengaged from my EA XH he was furious - I'd respond to his rants with 'yes dear'. It was wonderful :)

ashesgirl · 12/06/2012 19:12

Well done Vanilla. Do read Lundy if you can.

vanilla01 · 12/06/2012 19:16

hahahahaha kernowgal - love it - THREE DAYS! you are naughty xxx

OP posts:
PurplePidjin · 12/06/2012 19:19

You're doing so well, keep it up! Have you got the practicalities of physically moving out in place? According to the leaflet in with the stuff my mw gave me, you need

*identification
*birth certificates for you and the children
*money, bank books, credit cards
*keys - house, office, car
*driving licence and registration
*mortgage payment receipts
*change of clothes and toiletries
*passports, visas, work permits
*lease/rental agreements
*house deeds
*insurance documents
*address book
*children's favourite toys and comfort items

Plus your head to be in the right place, obviously :)

mumblecrumble · 12/06/2012 19:19

er.... sorry: Whats a EA?

ashesgirl · 12/06/2012 19:20

emotionally abusive OH

mumblecrumble · 12/06/2012 19:22

Oh god, sorry. What a nightmare.....

SirSugar · 12/06/2012 19:22

I stack the washing up in the sink any old way - because I can

I drop towels on the floor - because I can

I drink milk out of the cereal bowl - because I can

I don't make the bed - because I can

I don't tidy up sometimes - because I can

Grin
PooPooInMyToes · 12/06/2012 19:25

Oh yay! Smile

AnyFucker · 12/06/2012 19:31
Grin
Hervana · 12/06/2012 19:32

Well done vanilla wishing you all the strength in the world

I remember that time of confusion: he really can't be EA can he? I thought about it for months, read bits of the Lundy book and finally came round last November. The final straw wasnt a massive argument it was a petty row he had caused in front of my family. It got to the point where he respected me so little he was happy to disrespect my family too. It all kind of fell into place and lightbulb switched on

I couldn't have done it without the support I was given from mn and for that I'm eternally grateful (in fact I wouldn't have know what an EA relationship was without mn!) and I hope you continue to find the support you need also

I hope you can find a safe way out of the relationship. Nobody deserved to be abused in any form xx

Hervana · 12/06/2012 19:35

AF^^ was a huge support, among others, never did get the chance to say thank you as I name changed so please may I hijack your thread vanilla and say THANK YOU to AF :) and the others

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