if you have already read my post from sunday "i have just realised i not mad" you will know that it suddenly dawned on me after 20 years that i am living with an EA.
i spent most of sunday and monday battling with myself, one minute i decided i had imagined it all the next i was pretty definite that he was. i was quite confused about it all especially after he come home being super nice. i was almost wishing he would be horrible just so i could confirm he defiantly was.
then i spent most of monday night thinking about things in the past that have happend in our relationship that i put down at the time to "being me" or "my fault" or "i must of imagined it"- OMG it was all falling into place. he has been playing with my mind from day one!
like the time i walked into a pub he was in and he completely ignored me all night - not even a hello or acknowledgement nothing, then turned up at my flat about an hour after i got home as if nothing had happened and it was all in my head.
or the time when i phoned his flat and a girl answered, he said his uncle had taken a girl back to his flat that night and because his uncle was married i wasnt allowed to say anything - i fell for it hook line and sinker.
so many more stories - my god i should have MUG stamped on my forehead.
today i have woken up a different person - i have somehow dis-engaged myself from everything he is saying to me - how i did that overnight i do not know. So everything that comes out of his mouth i am seeing it with a different meaning.
so when he came home from work again being super nice - im thinking hes trying to reel me in, i wasnt particularly paying much attention to what he was saying when he just flipped - he said out of the blue why havent you paid this cheque in its been sitting in this house for a week (voice raising), then he went marching into the garage and started shouting from there - have you seen the mess in here look at it, you cant even be bothered to keep it tidy, (as he is frantically lobbing things out the garage door like a nutter), then he goes back in doors and starts cleaning, cursing me for not washing 2 plates up and having a few crumbs on the floor (my kitchen whilst he is doing this is already very clean and tidy)!, i just sat down in the living room didnt move or say a word almost sniggering at him. now normally when this happens i am running behind him like a nervous wreck trying to clean and tidy before he starts going into one.
i think im getting there - i cant quite get my head around leaving just yet im still scared to - but i will and im in a place today that i have never ever been before and i like it.
xxxxxxx