why do they still lie?

[cantdothismuchlonger]

I found out a while ago that 'd'h has a 'friend'. He's admitted that they've been friends for years, but nothing else. Just texting according to him, someone that he could talk to and that would listen.

I don't believe it for a minute. We've been to hell and back since i found out. I genuinely believe he wants to stay with us, but i can't cope with lies, and i've said no matter how bad the truth is, we will work through it. It seems he'd rather leave than admit to anything though.

What is that about?

It's a familiar story on these boards but there's something about yours that's making me wonder if you've posted before about your h's female sex text friend and have namechanged?

I'm confused, on the one hand you say you genuinely believe he wants to stay & then on the other you say he'd rather leave than admit to anything. Something isn't making sense there.

Yes izzy I have. To much ridiculous stuff has happened for me to post, I wouldn't know where to start.

I mean he doesn't want to leave, but if I make him, he will, rather than own up to anything.

It would seem that he won't 'fess up to his relationship with another woman having been anything other than texting, Bugsy, but given the no doubt thousands of texts have been exchanged over a period of some years, it's highly unlikely that he hasn't got his leg over taken it further.

cantdothis, in a way it is up to you really.

Can you live with this man?

Do you want to be with him?

Has he promised not to have any more contact with his friend?

Unless, you can collect hard evidence, it is likely that you will never get him to confess - it simply isn't in his interest to do that.

what's bugging you? That he has a female friend, or that you didn;t know about it? Do they meet up, or do they just ring? where did they meet, what's the situation, are they exes? IS there anything to suggest there is something going on?
I have a male friend that i ring and chat to and text. I met him at work 7 years ago. My DH doesn;t particularly know, and i'm not sure he needs to. I'm not 'hiding' it and there is certainly nothing untoward (and never has been) going on. We speak once every few months on the phone, maybe a text now and again. Just a chat, moan about work, or whatever. I just dont see the need to tell my husband that i spoke to someone that day who he doesn;t know and hasn;t met. Of course it would be different if i was actually meeting up with my friend then I would tell DH and would ensure they met up or that D came with me sometimes. I certainly think my DH speaks to people that i don't necessarily know about, but i trust him and he me so we don;t need to tell each other everytime we speak to someone
Sounds like from your post there is maybe more than you are letting on?

It's someone that he's been texting in secret all day, every day.

The bit I don't get, which is why I asked this question. Is why continue to lie, when the truth could maybe fix things, if that's what you really want? I've never been so confused.

Sorry, I probably shouldn't have put this on. Just having a really bad day, and I'm getting more and more confused. It's a stupid question really. Just couldn't seem to stop myself asking if anyone could understand, I can't.

hmm ok then that is something else. I certainly wouldn't be happy about this and would be asking my partner to stop contact to save our relationship and at the same time i would be asking myself whether i really wanted to be in a relationship with someone who could not see why this behaviour is hurtful and destructive to me / us.
The reality is if he loved you and wanted to be with you then he would stop.
What are the texts about? Are they flirty/sexual in nature? have you seen them?

cantdothis, it really isn't very confusing though. He is not going to confess to anything more than you have already found out. It sounds as though he is unlikely to leave - therefore it is up to you. Can you trust him going forward? Has he agreed to end all contact with his "friend"? Do you want to be with him?

If you're who I think you are, you were advised to make him leave when you first discovered the extent of his duplicity.

If you had acted on that advice, I reckon you'd be further along the road to discovery recovery by now - and it could be that the salutory shock of being turfed out on his ear at the time would have enabled you to prise the truth out of him some months back.

Would you have any objection to linking your earlier post as the history does need to be taken into consideration by those who are not familiar with the story?

You know my view, and that of many others, which is that he's been getting his leg over with the ow throughout the conception, births, and hospitalisation/illnesses of at least 2 of your 3 small dc.

It seems probable his first dw turfed him out for infidelity and the reason why he won't come clean with you is because he knows the truth would be the end of him as far as you're concerned and it would be, honey, because you are an honest and upright individual.

Tempting as it may be for you to think that you could work through his inidelity with a view to having a stronger marriage, you're the type of woman who can't abide a liar and any love you have for him would rapidly wither into contempt - as it is doing now.

When you first confronted him, his reaction was anger and he physically assaulted you. At no time has he given you any details about the ow such as her name and address but, to the best of my recollection, he has varied her age on at least one occasion.

Since you found the mobile phone he initially claimed was his mate's, you've had a cock and bull story about how he and the ow once worked together or some such and she made contact with him, plus a load of twaddle about her being someone he could 'confide' in - as if you weren't ready, willing, able, and on hand 24/7 to listen to his 'confidences'.

Sorry to say, honey, but your marriage is dead in the water and I suspect the duplicitous twunt is still in contact with the ow.

Have you made it to a solicitor yet?

Has he agreed to stop the texting?

This sounds so horrible for you. It sounds like you feel that if only he would admit to it you will be able to move on, one way or another, but until then you are stuck.

But I think he will never admit to anything that you can't prove. He is in deception so deep he probably has convinced himself that he is in the right anyway. He must feel like he's gotten away with it.

You said 'I don't believe it for a minute'...From there, the only questions you need to ask are not 'why do they still lie', but 'why am I living like this or What can I do to get away from him (at some stage) Another alternative is to accept he is not only a cheat but someone who will never ever back down no matter at the cost to you...Sorry.

He says contact stopped when I found out. It's confusing because if he isn't telling the truth, what's the point of trying to move on?

The only thing I'm sure of is that he wants us. So why won't he try and fix it.

Nothing good at all will come of still lying, why do it?

But he is winning now, isn't he? You are staying.

If he told you the truth you would go presumably.

The lies are serving him well.

cantdothis, nothing good is going to come of telling the truth - so why would he?
At the moment, he still has you. You are prepared to stick with him, even though you know he has been texting another woman every day for several years.
Why on earth would he elaborate on what you know? He'd be really stupid to do that, because it could reveal a whole lot worse!!!!

This is not confusing at all - it is him preserving what he has got. Now, it is up to you. Can you trust this man?

Not hijacking thread but I have been the OW in this situation and had not realised he was even married, let alone with a child.

Any man who claims he 'had to get married' and that he 'never loved his dw and only stayed with her until his dd became of age' is a cad of the first water who no doubt had a number of affairs until such time as his dw discovered his philandering ways and divorced him.

Leopards don't change their spots. He's of the type that thinks marriage creates a vacancy for a mistress and took up with the ow shortly after you married him.

As I don't believe his story of how he came to be in contact with the ow, I'm of the opinion that he may have known her from way back and may have been shagging her while he was married to his first dw. It could be that they broke it off only to resume shortly after his marriage to you.

He's taken refuge in stonewalling and it'll be easier for a camel to go through the eye of the proverbial needle than get the truth out of him because he knows that the full sp about the extent of his infidelity will set you emotionally free of him once and for all.

For your sake, I'd love to be proved wrong on this - but that ain't gonna happen in this lifetime, honey.

The question now is what you're going to do about it? Given his enormous breach of your trust coupled with his intransigence in the face of being found out, continuing to live with him will turn you into a basket case.

He can't be lying about it all though izzy. I knew about him and his wife before I met him. I was friends with his sister.

He knows if he told me they'd met up twice a week for sex, it'd give us somewhere to go from. He's giving me nothing, even though he knows I don't believe him.

I got a bit paranoid about my thread. I never minded if he read it at first. Now I do. After I last posted we took the dc away, and so much happened between us (all my fault), I didn't know where to start when we came back. So I thought I'd better leave it.

I've got an appt with the cab locally in a couple of weeks.

I followed your last thread and I am sorry to hear that you are still in pain.

So you feel 'he isn't lying about it all'. Well, that's small consolation...He has lied about sooo much. He has made up bizarre and implausbile excuses. You will never get to the bottom of it. Some people are just like that.

Can you live with it? It sounds from your nickname that you can't.

Is this also the same man who bought a second phone and tried to hide it after you found out, and whilst he was busy denying that anything would happen with her again etc etc?

If so, then why would he not lie? It would pay him to, in that whilst he can get you to believe him, he still has what he wants ie you, his kids, and something on the side when wanted.

Why do they lie?

They tell themselves that it would hurt you to tell the truth and that it wouldnt help you or the kids to risk a split, but of courses that isnt the truth.

When I was busy trying to prise the truth out of my h, I finally handed him a notes (after nearly 6 years of his lying, and four weeks of lying at Relate), saying to him 'you are still lying. And you want to believe that it is to protect me, but really it is to protect yourself'. He then did tell me (as far as I know), and what he did tell me was the first honest sentence out of his month in a very long time.

So there you have it- they lie to help themselves out. And they ignore the hurt that your continued suspicion causes because they care more about themselves than anyone else, including you and ultimately even their children. Finally, they lie because they are too weak and cowardly to tell the truth.

I don't put a lot of reliance on the CAB as their legal bods tend to be volunteers who may not specialise in family law.

You are best advised to make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in family law and who offers a free half-an-hour initial consultation. I seem to recall you had an appointment but had to cancel as one of your dc was in hospital - get back to that solicitor and fix another date.

I very much doubt that what happened while you were away was your fault. It's entirely understandable if being cooped up with him while faced with his stonewalling lead to you to want to brain him. I seem to recall I offered to do it for you and a disorderly queue formed behind me waiting their turn with the frying pan

Get him to leave, honey. While he's around you're unable to process your feelings and any decisons you make will be of the knee-jerk variety until you get some time and space for yourself.

"why continue to lie, when the truth could maybe fix things"

Because he doesn't want to fix anything. Lying means life continues on his terms. Telling the truth means he may have to change. He doesn't want to change so that option is not acceptable. The only way you get past this is to stop trying to fix things and make the change for him unilaterally i.e. you ask him to leave.

If you are who I think you are - he has no intention of changing

I know . He says all the right things but it's all bollocks.

I wanted him to leave straight away, but finances and him having no one to stay with didn't help.

I've been tying myself up in knots trying to sort this, because I know if I make him go, I'll never let him back. That attitude might be wrong, and I'm sorry if it is, but of I do decide he has to leave, it'll be for good. My dad left and came back so many times when I was young. I think that's why I need to try my hardest to sort this. I don't want to break my children's home up if I can try to fix it. But I can't do it on my own.