why do they still lie?

[cantdothismuchlonger]

I found out a while ago that 'd'h has a 'friend'. He's admitted that they've been friends for years, but nothing else. Just texting according to him, someone that he could talk to and that would listen.

I don't believe it for a minute. We've been to hell and back since i found out. I genuinely believe he wants to stay with us, but i can't cope with lies, and i've said no matter how bad the truth is, we will work through it. It seems he'd rather leave than admit to anything though.

What is that about?

It must be so hard.

But, correct me if I'm wrong, isn't he the guy who, soon after you found out, when you were throwing up in despair about it, he went off and sent some more jolly, joking texts to the OW?

That's how seriously he takes his children's home.

Yes, that's him

I'm being a stupid cow aren't I? He was going to look at a flat the other night, then he talked bollocks to me all night and I started to come round again.

I think it's because every time I look at the dc's, I think there must be some truth in it, nobody would willingly give up being with them if they didn't have to. But then I think about how long he's been lying, and I don't even know him.

I thought CAB would be better about letting me know where to start, what I'm entitled to etc. I thought solicitors would just be about getting the divorce going, am I wrong? Never looked at anything like this before.

You're not a stupid cow. It is a horrible, horrible situation.

And he doesn't want to give up with being with you and the kids, clearly.

But whatever he says, he is a nasty liar who for years has thought only of himself. The fact that he won't tell you the truth now, means he isn't prepared to face up to that or change.

You have to decide whether you can live like that long term. I wouldn't...

Oh can't you're not a stupid cow at all. You're a lovely trusting person who simply can't fathom why anyone in your H's situation would lie to you for years, continue to lie in the face of all the evidence and even lie to the point of leaving rather than tell the truth.

As to why they lie? Who knows? Who cares really, they're cunts

I think some lie because they can't bear to appear other than the good guy. They know there are loads of idiots around who cheat on women and treat them badly. I think they honestly don't believe they fit into that category, for whatever reason. They lie because they don't want to hurt you (bit late for that) and because they don't want to admit they're less of a man than you thought they were.

Thank you.

I know I am being an idiot though. I know he's lying, I just can't get my head around it. It's so destructive.

I think that's it imperial. I know what he thinks of people like him, and I don't think he wants to admit that he's like that. It's mad though. There's three little people in this house whose opinions he should care about. And in his stupid way, I know he loves me. But what a crappy way to treat anyone. I'd love to see what he'd actually been saying to her, I really would. And what of woman carries on with a man with small children, that is even carrying on having children! It's not like he could say he was only staying with me for them!

I walked out the other night at 11ish, I didn't intend to ever come back, I walked a couple of miles and then couldn't get dd waking up and wanting a feed out of my head, so I came back. I don't want to go into what happened before I left, but it was ridiculous.

I just want my children to feel safe, secure and happy.

You are going insane - that what he is doing to you

He won't change - in order for people to change, they need to experience loss.

He hasn't lost anything. Therefore he won't change.

This environment can't be healthy for your kids - they can't be feeling secure or happy