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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So I finally said, "No," and

49 replies

WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 13:08

now I'm "a bitch, and full of hatred."

I have a friend who, over the 2.5 years I've known her has always leaned on me (and others as far as I know) for childcare like picking up from school if she's stuck in town etc. We are both sahms.

It got to the stage last year where she was calling me every other day at school run time, saying she was stuck and could I help out again. I eventually distanced myself from her at that time, not wanting a row but was feeling very used. I thought she'd got the hint about that kind of thing.

I've never felt the need to ask other people to pick up my dcs unless it's a dire emergency like my ds1 was vomiting at school and I couldn't leave him to pick up my dd.

Anyway, we are supposed to be good friends - having helped each other through a couple of relationship traumas.

It's kind of started up again though. She's made arrangements to go away this weekend and then asked me to pick up her ds for football (my ds does the same football session). It's all very tight timing as it is, getting my dcs fed and out the door as well as going in the complete opposite direction to get her ds as well.

I told her this and that I really didn't want to be rushing about with my dcs and being 30 weeks pg. But I also told her that I felt she only ever contacted me when she wants a favour. She then called me a bitch and drove off a la Dukes of Hazzard. I texted her to say I'm not a bitch but that I've helped her out an awful lot but that I'm felt like a member of her staff. She has an au pair.

Apparently, I'm "full of hatred" too now I've pointed out how I feel. I was wondering if I was being an unhelpful friend but others have been amazed at how much she asks and how much I've done.

I feel sick and nervous now but I can only see that I've just felt if I didn't say something now, I would end up being resentful again. Except it's blown up.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 12/06/2012 13:10

It hasn't 'blown up' - you have FINALLY GOT RID OF THE USING BITCH!! Grin

High fives all round

you don't need her, she isn't your friend, she is no loss.

SarkyWench · 12/06/2012 13:10

Do you have some nice friends?
Arrange to spend some time with them :)

ashesgirl · 12/06/2012 13:11

Good for you. She has an au pair and she's still asking you for this stuff?

User-ish people hate being confronted on this kind of thing so that's why she's turned it round on you angrily.

Guess she'll have to find another 'bitch full of hatred' to pick up her kids eh?

oldwomaninashoe · 12/06/2012 13:15

She was treating you as her "staff"!!

I wouldn't be at all surprised if you don't get an apology, when she needs a favour again.

izzyizin · 12/06/2012 13:15

Who gives a stuff what she's called you, honey?

The fact is you ain't her bitch anymore and, as Laurie has said, it's time for high fives all round

RabidAnchovy · 12/06/2012 13:16

Dump her she is not a nice person

WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 13:16

Hmm, except I have very few friends. She's also a kind of queen bee at kids school. Not that that matters as I don't seek to really socialise with parents at school.

I guess few or no friends is better than ones who are so thick skinned. She has been supportive to me emotionally at times and I have for her. I guess that's why I feel funny about this.

OP posts:
spooktrain · 12/06/2012 13:19

one of my friends says: Every time you say no to something you say yes to yourself

sounds like you are well rid of this nasty black hole

I would honestly not reply to any more texts, calls etc after all this crap you've had to put up with

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/06/2012 13:46

She wasn't much of a friend. Well done for standing up for yourself.

OxfordBags · 12/06/2012 14:06

She's acting this way because the game is up and she's humiliated at being foind out and angry that she needs to find a new person to leech off. You are well rid, believe me. It must hurt but move on. Don't engage in a battle of words, it's just bad energy you don't need and you don't need to lower yourself to her level.

I wonder why she asks you and not the au pair? Either she already overburdens the poor woman so much that she has to outsource the pisstaking expectations and demands OR she feels the need to get others to do things for her so much that she extends this to friends. Either way, she sounds like a proper cow.

Sallyingforth · 12/06/2012 14:09

I feel sorry for her au pair!

WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 14:14

Au pair can't drive.

OP posts:
olgaga · 12/06/2012 14:20

Narcissists always get angry when people don't accept their orders and life doesn't go their way. They see it as a humiliation, and they just can't deal with it.

You're well out of it!

Inadeeptrance · 12/06/2012 14:20

Well done for standing up for yourself! She sounds like a user and a bully and she's pissed off because you've called her on it.

Delete, block, don't reply to texts and enjoy spending time with nice people who don't take the piss.

Sallyingforth · 12/06/2012 14:23

Aha. So you have been a fill-in for the au pair.

I feel sorry for her working for such a selfish employer

Nagoo · 12/06/2012 14:25

You said no for perfectly good reasons. The reasons will stand up without you having to say 'I'm fed up of you using me' so just repeat them chirpily if she brings this up again.

You don't have to make this bigger than it is unless you want to :)

WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 14:27

I know what will come next though.

Friends should help each other out. She has only asked me to help once a week these days which a true friend wouldn't mind doing.

I wanted to nip it in the bud before it became like before though.

Can't help feeling I'm going to come off very badly in this and so are my dcs who are really good friends with hers. Sigh.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/06/2012 14:52

A 'true' friend will always understand if someone can't help & not stomp off in a huff. I have a friend with DC similar age and we help each other out from time to time. We always start the request.... 'do say if it's a problem'... and we mean that. If we can't help on that occasion we know there will always be another day when we can.

NeedlesCuties · 12/06/2012 16:38

You did the right thing for yourself and your DCs, which is the important thing.

If this woman can drive, is a SAHM and has an au pair then really she can't complain about you at all.

This is an innocent Q, please don't anyone flame me: if she's a SAHM, why does she need an au pair? Confused I'm not being cheeky, just asking as I have never met anyone in RL who has an au pair.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/06/2012 16:46

Lazy bitch?

WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 16:57

There is an added complication. We've booked a holiday at her mother's holiday home this summer. She and her family have planned to be there at the same time as well. Sigh. It's going to be tricky. Or perhaps it'll all turn out for the best now I've stood up for myself. Or it'll be just frosty with my dh feeling very awkward as the issue is nothing to do with him, really.

She has an au pair to help with her dcs, the ironing, dishwasher etc. Lucky thing.

OP posts:
WinkyWinkola · 12/06/2012 16:58

And I think what she really has a beef with is that I said I felt she only contacts me when I want a favour. I don't know her at all, if I think that, apparently. And that she is very sad if that is what I think our friendship is.

Ho hum.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 12/06/2012 18:14

Never mind your dh feeling awkward! He should be annoyed as hell with her for using you.

You've stood up to her; that's what's bugging her. Ignore it - don't get in touch with her. She wants you to apologise and then to keep on doing jobs for her. Bear that in mind and don't get in touch.

Did you write about her a while ago?

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 12/06/2012 18:20

She wouldn't be behaving like this if she had much of a conscience, so it's really unsurprising that she rejects your assessment of the situation. She relies on people not asserting themselves. You are not in the wrong. Well done!

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 12/06/2012 18:21

Don't let her guilt you. Do not.

Good book: A Woman in Your Own Right (Assertiveness)