New relationships and 'the fear'

[awaywego1]

Hey- just wanted some advice/experiences etc on this please.
Have recently met a new chap, so far he is bloody lovely, no warning signs, twat radar is fully engaged and i think he's a good 'un.
However, having had a string of bad relationships, being treated rubbishly and having got very hurt, i have 'the fear' really bad.
Am trying to contain it, and not let it get in the way, but its hard, i'm so scared of getting hurt again and feel really emotional. I used to be quite confident and trusting and now feel needy and clingy and very insecure. Obviously, im tring to not respond to these feelings as it wouldnt be helpful and its VERY early days but i am struggling, and dont want these feelings to cause problems in this nice new thing. Agghhh.

You can't erase the past. All you can do is keep treading that thin line we all walk. i.e Try not to let your insecurity become clinginess or jealousy but keep your twat radar on full. Is he aware of your past relationships and how they've left you feeling?

I think we all feel like this when dating again. Iv recently posted about myself. Its so scary and I often feel anxious. I also think having had what you say are bad relationships, this can make you stronger and by now your twat radar should be quite amazing.
Im not one to advise as Im pretty much the same, but what Im trying to do is take one day at a time, not to be too clingy/needy. Try and relax with this guy and allow yourself to enjoy it.
Good luck!

Your mantra should be 'history doesn't always repeat itself but if it does, I'm more than capable of handling it'.

Keep it light, keep it fun, and don't give away your power by revealing your emotional insecurities or banging about how badly your exes may have treated you.

If you should find yourself exchanging life histories there's no harm in 'fessing up to having felt a tad insecure by certain behaviours, but you're best advised express this in a way that shows you see it as being part of life's learning curve and essential to self-discovery.

Like attracts like - if you give off positive vibes you'll attract positive friends/partners. If a few moths are drawn to your bright flame, you'll easily be able to flatten them

You're a work in progress, honey, and there's no reason why you should allow the past to cloud the present or the future.

I am in your same situation. I say, 'feel the fear and do it anyway' :)

I recently posted on this subject myself:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1472086-Why-cant-I-say-I-love-him

The hurt that I have suffered after my XH's betrayal has meant that I do not want to reveal my emotions totally because I do not want to get hurt again. But I also believe that with time, all the good stuff will wipe out the bad and I can, hopefully, learn to love and trust again.

In the meantime, I hope that you, like me, are enjoying being cherished and treasured by your new chap and that you can, in time, learn to love again.

Good luck!

I totally relate to what you're saying, and commented on previous thread mentioned by ANewDoll. Still no red flags, still on full alert for them, still not happy with gf/bf badges etc...but having a pretty good time - really enjoying his company. I don't know if this helps but some of the things that I'm making a point of are:

• make sure that I'm seeing friends (in total) at least as much as new man.
• keeping time to myself still.
• not always being available, either to meet up or to talk/text etc and sometimes taking a while to respond if busy etc.
• only seeing him/doing things that suit me or at times that suit me.
• he says he loves me and you're beautiful all the time, I say that I'm having a nice time, this or that is great, blah blah...but not getting sucked into too much commitment too soon.

New man is cool about all of these, as anyone reasonable would be, whereas these are the kinds of things that would drive ex crazy.
Don't know if that helps.

Thanks lovely ladies, its nice to know im not the only one who feels this way.
I will definately keep my twat radar set to high, but trying to balance that out with 'going with it' and enjoying it.
So far we have been fairly candid about our relationship histories, and i have explained that there have been some massive twats, but not gone into detail or really talked about the impact on me. To some extent i think it would be ok if i did as he has been messed around by women a lot and i think he is just astounded that i am single and a reasonable human being so far, but i dont think its appropriate or necessary to divulge anymore at this stage and just want to really enjoy someone being lovely and straightforward.
I will definately make sure i carry on seeing friends, keep up hobbies etc and am just trying to be nice to myself when i feel anxious and insecure and by saying 'its understandable you feel like that but dont let these past men mess up your future too'
Good luck to everyone else in the same situation, i hope it all comes good. :)

An update: we talked a bit about 'the fear' last night, and it was lovely that he said he had it too was worried about being hurt again etc. He was very kind about it all in a 'I'm not bloody suprised' way after the way those twats have treated you. No big promises, just kindness and warmth. Exactly what I needed. Hopefully onto a winner here, but even if not, I feel I'm managing to not let my past get in the way of this nice thing iyswim.

Izzy I love that mantra! That's so powerful!