Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

one about trust

38 replies

mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 10:29

Ok, bear with me, this is going to be quite long!

Yesterday DH found he had blood in his wee, so made a GP appointment. He said it felt the same as when we discovered we both had chlamydia not long after we got together, 9 years ago. He'd only had one previous sexual partner (and they'd both been virgins when they met) and I had a bit of a 'history', so it was almost definitely me that gave it to him.
Just before he went out to his appointment, he said to me, "The GP will ask me if there is any possibility of an STD. I know what you're going to say, but is there?"
My reply was, "No, there damn well isn't."

He knows it upset me, and said that he only asked 'for completeness', as if it was something like chlamydia again, and went untreated, one or both of us could end up infertile, and that he would have expected me to ask him in similar circs.
I wouldn't have asked him, if it were me with symptoms. I know I haven't cheated, and I know without asking that he hasn't.

I'm upset that he felt the need to ask. I'm not just upset at him, but having thought about it, I'm also upset with myself, that over the past 9 years I haven't done anything to change his opinion of me. And that we started off in a position where he might doubt me.
He knew when we got together that I had had a number of one-night stands and casual sexual relationships. We were both still with our exes when we initially got together, so both cheated on the exes at the start of this relationship. And possibly the crucial bit - when we'd been seeing each other a couple of months, I kissed my ex. I told him, and nearly lost him, but we got over it and have been solid ever since. But I've always kind of known that I'm already on my second chance, and it still upsets me that I did it. I don't know if DH ever thinks about this.

I'm not sure what I'm asking here - maybe just a different perspective on the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 10:30

(by the way, the GP reckoned bladder infection)

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/06/2012 10:38

I think this depends on how has had been treating you in the past 9 years.
If it has not been good,then it could be an issue.
If he has been treating you well,then no I dont think it is much of a problem.I can be a bit like your DH,in that I can think many things are 99% ,but somehow struggle with the last 1%.That may be just me I dont know.Its like an always think twice sort of mechanism ifswim

CailinDana · 12/06/2012 10:39

He has a right to ask IMO. But I know that won't be a popular opinion.

Lurkwhostalking2 · 12/06/2012 11:04

When my DH got "an itch down there" he asked me if there was 'anything he should know?' I pretended to be offended but I suppose he just wants to rule anything out. I would and have done the same.
If he repeatedly goes on about your past though, that's a different story...

izzyizin · 12/06/2012 11:09

Does your dh always second guess what doctors may say to him?

I very much doubt that Her Maj's consort was asked whether he thought there was a possibility that he had an sti when he was hospitalised for a bladder infection recently.

Your h sounds a bit of a dipstick and, no matter what he may say, I very much doubt that as a young and inexperienced virgin male he was the best judge of virginity in a young female.

21YrOldMan · 12/06/2012 11:56

You're funny, Izzy.

pinkyredrose · 12/06/2012 12:00

Blood in wee can b due to all kinds of things. My Dad had it a yr ago and it turned out to be bladder cancer. Not that that's any better but just saying.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 13:55

He is likely to know what a doctor will ask him, izzy, as he is a doctor himself.

No, he's never gone on about my past since he (seemingly) got over his insecurities about it when we were first together. He is a lovely man, and treats me very well.

I think this is probably more my issue than it is his. I think I understand that he is allowed to ask, it just upsets me.
Even if he has got over our initial issues, I don't think I have.

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/06/2012 14:52

i think there are 2 issues here in that case.
1 is I have a particular word that DH used to say about me,that I banned him from using in the end.It wasnt true about me,but really I just had my own personal issues about it,so he doesnt say it any more.And,like you,I think it was really my issue,not his.I have heard other people say the same,that they have their own issues over a particular word than can trigger things for them.
2 iswhat do you mean by your last sentence.Do you mean that you havent got over your past,or that you havent got over how he treated you about your past.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 15:06

amillionyears - I mostly mean I haven't got over my past, but what I think I possibly mean is that I haven't got over how much of an affect my past had on him. Not how he treated me, but how he thought about it. He was never disrespectful or anything like that. I think he thought me a little 'spoiled' by it - like he wanted to be the only man I'd ever been with, or that he didn't like to know that there'd been so many others Blush.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 15:11

But it's not just the past before we met, it's the bit when I kissed my ex when we'd not been together long. That really hurt him (obviously) and I've never got over the guilt, and the fact that that nearly split us up for good, and we never would have got married and had a baby etc

OP posts:
amillionyears · 12/06/2012 15:14

Would you consider having a bit of a heart to heart about it with him,when you are both in a good mood.Or would that rake up stuff that you dont want to go over again.He may not have been feeling like that,I dont know.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 15:21

I'm not sure. It has not been spoken of in many years, and in a way I don't want to know if he still thinks about it. If he still thinks about it now, I would presume he will still be thinking about it when we're 50. I don't think I could cope with that - imagining that every time he goes quiet or there's a mention of a similar topic on the telly that he thinks of it!
I'm sure I'm making a mountain out of a slightly smaller hill, but what if I'm not? I can't give him any more reassurances than the fact that I've been devoted to him for the last 9 years, can I?

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 12/06/2012 15:39

He thought you spoiled by your past? [hmmm] Huge huge red flag.

You will never live up to his expectations OP, as he Is currently demonstrating.

amillionyears · 12/06/2012 15:40

How often do you think about it all.
I dont think it is much of an issue for him,but again,I dont know
Did you say sorry at the time about kissing your ex

AbigailAdams · 12/06/2012 15:42

That should be his unrealistic expectations.

wfhmumoftwo · 12/06/2012 15:44

what is it about your past that is so bad? Most people come to a new relationship with a sexual past, or baggage of some sort. Its called being human and making mistakes (or maybe not mistakes, butchoices at the time)
In my late teens and early 20s i had one night stands, short relationships, was unfaithful (that i am not proud about) but i was young, carefree. When i met my now husband none of that mattered. We have been together 9 years now, have 2 children and my past (as is his) is irrelevant as it should be. It happened before we met so why do i need to apologise or explain it (he is not asking me to btw) I have always been faithful to him and value our relationship and familiy.
Why is your past still an issue even after all this time? (it seems to be for both of you)
Regarding the whole blood thing, i think i might be a little bit peeved if my DH asked me the same question, but i dont think i would get it out of perspective. I would say, no, of course not, you're silly for even asking, and move on
I get the impression from your post that its not your DH that has the issue but you. In which case you need to accept yourself. What's past is past and we can't change that. Give yourself a break

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 19:32

It's not my past that is the issue right now, really, more the fact that I'm the only one with any kind of cheaty past in this relationship, so it's only my integrity that's reasonably in question.

OP posts:
Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 19:35

'give yourself a break' is one of those things that's very easy to say, but is the actual big thing that I can't do.
It's like telling the person who is very upset that a relationship is over that they just need to 'get over it'.

OP posts:
AThingInYourLife · 12/06/2012 19:42

I don't really see the big deal, if it were me I'd probably have confirmed in the same way, for the sake of completeness.

He wasn't accusing you of anything.

That years ago, at the start of your relatonship, he wished you were not more experienced than he is not any colour if flag FFS.

izzyizin · 12/06/2012 20:04

'Cheaty past'???!!! Where did that come from? When you met your dh you'd had more sexual partners than he'd had. It happens.

As is regularly proved on this board, the number of previous partners you've had, he's had, or the world and his wife has had, is not a reliable indicator of integrity.

If he has in any way, shape, or form, encouraged you to beat yourself up for haviing had sexual relations with more partners than he has, I stand by my opinion that he's a dipstick.

If your guilt fest is a phenomenon that you've manufactured, contrary to what you may believe it's not a Herculean task for an adult to get over themselves.

Doctor he may be but I sincerely hope that, if he's of the medical variety, he's not a GP.

Original poster
mrsalwaysawake · 12/06/2012 20:29

izzyizzin:

The 'cheaty past' bit comes from when I snogged my ex right at the start of our relationship. Read the OP.

And you can piss off with your 'I hope he's not a GP'. He isn't, but he would make a good one. He is an adult, and a professional, and perfectly capable of treating patients without his personal judgey pants getting in the way.

He hasn't encouraged me to beat myself up.

OP posts:
NimpyWindowMash · 12/06/2012 20:38

Sounds to me like you need an honest talk with your DH about how it made you feel. I think he was entitled to ask, but the way it made you feel is the issue. You say you have been devoted to him for the past 9 years. Has he heard you say you recently that you love him, that you regret the mistake with your ex, that you are glad you two stayed together? You say it hasn't been spoken about for years, but I don't think there would be any harm raising the issue, as it seems that the issue needs a bit more processing.

amillionyears · 12/06/2012 20:45

Im guessing that your integrity is not really in question by him.The only way you are going to know for sure is if you ask him.
Im also guessing that can go 2 ways.
He could say,no,your integrity is not really in question,in which case hurrah
Or he could say it is.Even as I write this,I dont think he will say that.I would have thought,that if he did not really trust you,he would have brought it up many times in the last 9 years.Unless he is ths sort of man who does not often talk about important deep things,Even if he does say yes,then that is his issue,because you know you have not been unfaithful.

amillionyears · 12/06/2012 20:46

Slight x post with Nimpy.