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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out my husband left me for his secretary (6 months later)

36 replies

buzzybee · 07/12/2003 09:59

I feel I need to talk about this with someone...
In March this year, after over a year of our marriage being generally unsatisfactory and with ex-h spending a lot of the time moody, censorious (of me), sensitive (to criticism) and unsociable he told me he thought it best if we separate so we were both free to "find happiness". At the time dd was not quite 1 year old. I must admit the "bad air" in the relationship had given me cause to ponder whether some space apart might be a good thing. Despite that I was shocked as I had never believed we would split without any real attempt to try and make it work. He was adament and so we did separate - and splitting up our belongings was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I should also add that we had recently moved back to NZ from the UK at the time.
I now find out that not long after the split, his secretary from London came out to visit and has never gone back. They are now moving in together.
My mind is in a complete turmoil. I realise now that something must have been going all the time our relationship was going downhill (including when I was pregnant).
Part of me is glad that I know her as at least I have some idea of dd's home environment when she stays with ex-h.
The rest of me is fuming.
Ex-h told me today and asked what I thought about having contact with the gf!!
I just want to get on a plane and get away from here for a while.
I know you guys can't really help but just writing this down does me some good.
Thanks MN!

OP posts:
samACon · 07/12/2003 10:09

When I go to Sainsburys later I will go an squash a kiwi for you as a bit of anger displacement! Why are men so cowardly when it comes to things like this - my Dad did exactly the same thing to my Mum when they broke up!

I wish I could do/say something to help, but accept some virtual hugs and a stiff drink from the UK instead.

Sam

M2T · 07/12/2003 10:10

Buzzybee - That must be an awful shock for you.

Does he want YOU to have contact with his gf??? I think that is something that you have to decide, not him!

It must hurt to think that this could've been going on whilst you were carrying his child, but you don't know that for sure so please don't torture yourself anymore. You have been through the worst part, which was the actual split and dividing you things etc. This is just another hurdle which I'm sure you will get over and still be strong.

Is it possible for you to get away for a short hol, or stay with relatives/friends?? Not easy I know, but if you really want to go away then perhaps you should. It would give you a chance to think clearly. Please don't think in the past, it's only going to hurt you. Of course you will be angry and no wonder!! But don't let that anger get you down.

Good luck.

Original poster
buzzybee · 07/12/2003 10:19

I think the GF wants to be able to have contact with me so its less awkward for her IYKWIM.
I'd like to get away but work is manic up to Xmas. I am going away for a few days after xmas though.
DD is fantastic and I expect I will cope with this as I have coped with the last 6 months by focusing on her.
The worst thing is that I really wanted to have lots of kids (being an only child myself) and I'm not sure I could bear it if the GF got pregnant (does that sound stupid? at least dd would have siblings then..)

OP posts:
M2T · 07/12/2003 10:24

Why can't you have more children Buzzybee?? You could meet someone else tomorrow! You never know what is around the corner. And I can understand why you don't want her getting pregnant. That is another hurdle that you can deal with IF it happens.
If you don't mind me asking how old are you?

Ghosty · 07/12/2003 10:31

Buzzybee ...
Not sure what to say except that I am sorry to hear all of this ... Give me a call if you want to chat or if you want to come up to Auckland for a bit of Time Out ...
Hugs ... {{{}}}

Original poster
buzzybee · 07/12/2003 10:34

I'm 34 and yes of course I could meet someone etc but at the moment that seems a remote possibility. I guess it must seem paranoid to imagine her pregnant when they've just moved in together but she has just moved around the world to be with him, and they've known each other for about 3 years now so it's not as if it's a new relationship.
It's also hard not to look back now - I must admit I had my suspicions when we were in London (they spent a lot of Friday evenings together and played tennis sometimes at the weekends) but I could never bring myself to believe it. Yes I know I must look forward but at the moment I'm in shock.

OP posts:
Original poster
buzzybee · 07/12/2003 10:36

Thanks Ghosty - that's a very kind offer. Right now I don't think I could have aface to face conversation with anyone about this without dissolving (and I thought I'd got through the worst and done so well not to need to talk to MN about it!)

OP posts:
M2T · 07/12/2003 10:38

Buzszybee - Understandlably so. I know that any advice given is kind of useless coz only you know how you feel. Just wanted to say that you have been strong and will continue to be strong whatever happens. If she's only just moved over here then she probably want to enjoy herself and get to know the country before having a baby so perhaps you have a good few years to get used to the idea.

Hope things start to feel better soon.

Original poster
buzzybee · 07/12/2003 20:49

M2T - you're right. If I was her I wouldn't want to rush into any decisions in a new country (although she does have family here already). THanks for the support.

OP posts:
handlemecarefully · 08/12/2003 08:49

Buzzybee,

Really feel for you ...and ouch the betrayal!

Still if ex-h is such a faithless, double crossing pig it's likely that he'll do the same to gf in a few years time and then she'll get her comeuppance....(gosh - I should get away from this vengeance talk, its doing you no good)

I think best thing for you is to listen to your instincts and get away from it for a while - to give yourself time and space for reflection.

And probably the easiest thing in the long run is to cultivate a 'civilised' (doesn't have to be pally - just polite) relationship with ex-h and gf, given that due to your daughter you will need to have regular contact.

motherinferior · 09/12/2003 08:49

And sweetheart, I totally understand the paranoia but please bear in mind that life has twists and turns you'd never expect. My dp and my two daughters are testimony to that - they came along when I'd genuinely given up hope of a decent bloke or kids AT ALL. So don't torture yourself with that.

I'm fuming on your behalf too!

doormat · 09/12/2003 08:59

Buzzybee can only reiterate the brilliant advice here already.
Move on.
You do not deserve to be treated like this.
One day (when you least expect it) someone will come along who will treat you with the love and respect that you deserve.
Leave dh and his gf to get on with it.

Hugs and take care
xxx

Original poster
buzzybee · 09/12/2003 22:19

I knew I could rely on you guys for some moral support! This news had set me right back (emotionally) to the days and weeks immediately after the split - but I got a reasonable night's sleep last night so things may be looking up.
I'm very focused on what is best for dd so try my damndest to be civil. Not sure I can face up to her just yet though.
I feel such a fool for trying so hard over the last 2 years to try and make our relationship work when it was probably doomed by her existence all that time.
(and secretly I do believe that they may not last - but I can't let myself think that)

OP posts:
Forestfly · 09/12/2003 22:28

This thread has just made me cry, its just happened to me, all i can say is now you can't and shouldn't think about getting him back. We all deserve someone who is going to treat us better,truly. I wouldn't ever lie and carry on like that so i'm looking for my equal. Take care buzzy, she has a man who cheats on families, and he has a women who seduces taken men. They deserve each other, find yourself a proper man and then secretary can be jealous of you. F**k them

charliecat · 09/12/2003 23:05

well said ff

Original poster
buzzybee · 10/12/2003 04:46

FF - I'm sorry I brought back bad emotions for you. But thanks - you made me smile
I'm thinking about writing him a letter to let him know how I feel (I wouldn't be able to say it to his face without crying). Do you think that's a good idea? I don't think it will achieve anything constructive but I don't want him to think this bombshell has fallen in the desert IYKWIM. But I suppose it could destroy any civility we have left and I don't want to jeopardise dd's happiness?

OP posts:
bobthebaby · 10/12/2003 06:37

Buzzybee -- As others have said let them get on with it, feel hurt and shocked for a bit and then move on. My dh's ex gf was always really civil to me (we all had to live together for a couple of months - long story, bloody negative equity...)I'm really impressed about that and respect her for it as she could have been a bit of a cow. I doubt you will ever be friends with the gf, but it is less hard work to be civil in the long run.

Tissy · 10/12/2003 08:53

Buzzybee, don't write the letter, keep your distance. Be civil when you have to be, but don't let either of them into your head- he doesn't deserve any insight into how you are feeling.

fio2 · 10/12/2003 09:46

tend to agree with tissy, they dont need to know how you are feeling - and do they really care? May sound harsh but after all the betrayl I dont think they do. The same situation happened with my Mum and Dad, and yes his g/f got pregnant - my mum was devastated. But 8 1/2 years on my mum is really truly happy. She has got so much going for her and has had a lot to cope with in life but still goes out her front door holding her head up high. My dad on the other hand still isnt happy (and 5 kids later!) is still going from woman to woman (all of who are homewreckers). I know who I would like to be like (my mum) and I'm sure you do to. You will be happy and you will meet someone who deserves you, not someone who a deceitful git. I know how hard this is for you but at least you got a beautiful daughter out of this relationship and she does need a rock like you (I know!) Hope things get better for you soon. Lots of Love

sykes · 10/12/2003 15:51

How are you today Buzzybee? Hope you're feeling a bit better.

Original poster
buzzybee · 10/12/2003 20:48

Hi Sykes
My emotions are as changeable as they were back when we first split. Sometimes I feel fine and then the next minute (mainly when I get a quiet moment and have time to start dwelling on things - even though I try not to) I start crying again. I just can't believe I was so stupid all those months to think there was a relationship to be saved if only I knew how, and really the odds were so stacked against me I should have bailed a long time ago. But then I think about how I would have coped (or not) with a new baby...
I do actually think he still cares a little but I don't think he has any idea how this has hurt me. I'm sure in his mind he waited until now to tell me about her so that I had a chance to get used to the separation. But actually all that happened was that I spent the last 6 months trying to work out what went wrong and whether it could have been made right - a complete waste of my energy.

OP posts:
sykes · 11/12/2003 09:23

Hi, Buzzybee, know how you feel, in a way - my h left, came back, left, came back and then I wasted six months thinking it would all be okay/could be repaired when she had actually got in touch again and it all started again/never really stopped. I think you're amazingly strong and brave to have contact with his gf, shows how much you're putting your dd first. I, on the other hand, am attempting to not let this happen - still in denial. How do you feel about Christmas?

Forestfly · 11/12/2003 09:42

I firmly reccomend that you don't write a letter. Words can be taken in different ways and kept for along time, you would probably feel differntly next week, the week after, and besides i couldn't stnad it if she read my personal thoughts between him and i. Keeping your distance will also make him think you are over him, which is what you have to do. Men like to keep the old door open in case they have made a huge mistake and play on this. Any feelings you show for him won't hurt him just make him realise he could get you back if he wanted. The best revenge is making him see what a huge mistake he has made, how together, happy and beautifull you are. As soon as i found out my x was seeing someone i was depressed for a week and then i changed my mind set. I felt sorry for him, he left because he was getting his ego massaged, he can't make a decision on his own, and will never truly find inner happiness relying on females to do that for him. I have wasted 6 months of my life grieving over this man, as he takes and tramples to get his "happiness" now i am looking for my own

sykes · 11/12/2003 09:54

Good grief, FF, you sound good. Any tips? Trying to change my mindset and hope I'm on the way, but nowhere near you.

Beetroot · 11/12/2003 10:06

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