Just found out my husband left me for his secretary (6 months later)

[buzzybee]

I feel I need to talk about this with someone...
In March this year, after over a year of our marriage being generally unsatisfactory and with ex-h spending a lot of the time moody, censorious (of me), sensitive (to criticism) and unsociable he told me he thought it best if we separate so we were both free to "find happiness". At the time dd was not quite 1 year old. I must admit the "bad air" in the relationship had given me cause to ponder whether some space apart might be a good thing. Despite that I was shocked as I had never believed we would split without any real attempt to try and make it work. He was adament and so we did separate - and splitting up our belongings was the hardest thing I have ever done.
I should also add that we had recently moved back to NZ from the UK at the time.
I now find out that not long after the split, his secretary from London came out to visit and has never gone back. They are now moving in together.
My mind is in a complete turmoil. I realise now that something must have been going all the time our relationship was going downhill (including when I was pregnant).
Part of me is glad that I know her as at least I have some idea of dd's home environment when she stays with ex-h.
The rest of me is fuming.
Ex-h told me today and asked what I thought about having contact with the gf!!
I just want to get on a plane and get away from here for a while.
I know you guys can't really help but just writing this down does me some good.
Thanks MN!

Hi Sykes, how are you??
I'm just tired of the amount of our lives he has recked and i don't want to be a victim of it anymore. Easier said than done i know but he was on the up when as was falling to pieces and that just wasn't right anymore. Changing my no. and keeping my distance is the best thing i've done. It is giving me space to find out who i am again without the emotional rollercoster of seeing him. Also knowing that he will be completly shocked at the fact i'm unavailible for him, makes me feel strong. I was getting all the hard work and he was feeling no consequences of his actions and he needed to start to. Leaving your children is a major thing and these men need to start feeling this. They want it all, and dickhead doesn't deserve a second of my time. I will start seeing him when i'm over him, but until yhen he doesn't deserve to see me cry.
I've started spoiling myself for a bit, making the house all candlelit, positive music really really helps too. Realising that theres loads of men out there who just won't cause you pain, and would be in pain themselves if they knew how hurt you were. Last but not least knowing from the bottom of my heart my x is going to regret this so much one day. But i will turn round happy, together, in love, and tell him to stick it where the sun aint

I'm really pleased for you, you sound so strong, although I'm sure it's still very hard. I don't know how I am. Confused, I think, oh and knackered. I know what you mean about having it all and not seeing the consequence of his actions - but don't see how you can make someone realise this. I'm determined NOT to e-mail anymore (God, the embarassment of some of my messages) or go near a phone after a glass or 20. Suppose it's establishing your distance and reducing contact. However when elder dd says she doesn't want to go to my sister's for Christmas as she'll miss daddy and he'll be on his own, I tend to move backwards and not forwards. Hope the boys are well and sorry BusyBee to hijack your thread.

Buzzy this is for you too I've just stopped thinking about how much i love him thats all, i concentrate on the facts and the damage caused. Phone calls, emails, etc. do nothing, distance does. Thats how they get the consequences, they loose you totally, and i believe only then will they realise what life is like without you. Start having fun, doing all the things you wouldn't have done in a couple. Please don't let all of these men have a great christmas while we sit at home crying, its a waste of a life. Be determined to enjoy it as much as you can. AND FLIRT!!!!!

New career as a counsellor, FF? Bloody hell. Right, taking dd to Lapland, probably wouldn't have done that - going on Saturday. And focus on what a crap person he was to ruin last christmas, why allow him/me to do the same for dds this christmas. Ater all he left for the second time on Christmas day last year - this year will be better. Thanks. I needed a kick. No contact apart from when he sees dds and I'm just off to flirt with the pensioner in the post room. Hope I don't give him a heart attack. I'll probably get sacked for sexual harassment.

buzzybee, stop thinking it was your fault that the relationship wasn't saved- it's his and his only. He was the one playing around, not you!

And, don't imagine that he still cares and if only he knew how much he'd hurt you it would all be alright-that's rubbish, he doesn't care about anyone but himself. Period.

Yes there will be times when you feel sad, but follow forestfly's advice, put that chapter of your life behind you, NEVER open that door to him again and get on with making the future as perfect as it can be for you and dd.

Hooray for Sykes!!!!!!! (don't blame me if you loose your job)
Buzzy, i know it's not easy to be positive and you love him, good luck

Thanks for all the positive support guys. It means a lot to me to know that people out there I've (mostly) never met care!!
As for Xmas luckily there was never any suggestion that we would spend that together this year. In future I would quite like to see if we can find a way to spend part of the day together for DD's sake but things are too raw at the moment. I saw him at a bar on Friday when I was out for Xmas drinks with workmates and had to leave quickly before I embarassed myself. Then of course work mates wondered where I had got to. They have been very supportive in a quiet way over the last few months but don't know about this latest turn of events.
Then got a chirpy email from him today saying "fancy seeing you at XXX on Friday"!!
I had been actively focusing on the future up until this happened but somehow now I don't have the energy. I'm hoping the break over Xmas will lift the depression / feeling like I've been hit by a truck. At the moment feel very down on men so not sure I could flirt. Then again I've said that before....

Hi all
Am feeling very down again this weekend.
X-h has dd for the weekend so I've nothing to distract me.
Every time I see him I just get so angry and depressed.
And I can't avoid seeing him as I really want DD to spend time with him, and he's a good father.
I just want to punish him somehow - but not by using DD in any way.
Xmas isn't helping either - actually last 2 xmas' have not been great as spent with his family so didn't really enjoy much, but still...
How can I jolt myself out of this gloom.
I hate him and yet I still love him.

Buzzybee - while you feel like this is there anyone who can drop your dd off at her fathers so you dont have to see him while you come to terms with all this?
Just a suggestion - get all the anger out - even if it is something like writing a letter to him that you never give to him. have a good old rant.
All I can suggest, hope you feel better x

Buzzybee,

I don't think there are any quick fixes for jolting you out of this gloom - as they say, time is a great healer. I know you still love your ex - but you have to keep reminding yourself that he wasn't any good for you. After all he did betray your trust and cheat on you. I hope that the Christmas season doesn't prove too difficult for you. Hang on in there.

Found out my dh was having an affair about 5 months ago. It was the most awful experience and I totally relate to your feelings of betrayal and confusion etc etc - all that kicking yourself because in retrospect it seemed SO obvious what was going on and I just couldn't see it.

What helped: talking to people about it. Talking to friends who listened to me crying and rambling on about it. Going to my GP, just because I already had an appt. booked to discuss post-dd2 contraception, ha ha, and ending up telling her all about it - just talking to someone totally objective and sympathetic helped loads. She then referred me to a counsellor in the medical practice who offered short-term counselling. The counsellor was great - just listened to me - told me I was very sane and strong and well-adjusted but that we all need some help sometimes to work through things.

It really is shit and my heart goes out to you. I still can't understand what kind of woman goes for a man with a wife/partner & small child. How can anyone be so grabby and selfish to think they can just trample all over other people to get what they want and that they still deserve to be happy? One of the worst things about this kind of situation is that it makes you so much more cynical and sceptical about human nature...