WWYD - knowing about a husband's affair even though he's divorcing his wife for an EA

[truthisoutthere]

Usually i am very much subscribe to the notion that no-one knows what really goes on in a marriage and you should just stay out of it.

Today, i'm in a tricky situation. My friend is being divorced over an EA. Her husband can't get over it. She feels terrible but she says that the jealousy is out of control and nothing she says is believed. So far, her bad.

The problem is thta i know her husband had an affair for years previously with a friend's of mine's sister (also married - we're a hotbed around these parts it would seem). It was one of those small world things and i never saw them. I said nothing as my friend always seemed happily married and i didn't want to rock the boat.

WWYD?

If you didn't say anything at the time I don't see how you can say something now?

If you didn't say anything at the time, I wouldn't say anything now.

What I would do though, is if he his being nasty or spreading untrue rumours about your friend, I would have a little word in his ear and tell him you're sure that he doesn't want some nasties in his past to add fuel to the fire

Other than that, stay out of it. That horse has bolted, it's too late to tell her now.

Do you believe we should tell people if we know something about their partners or keep silent?

For me, the marriage didn't fail then, it is now and she's taking all the blame. It just doesn't sit right.

Yep, it's a mess.

I would have told her when his affair was happening in the first place, as it seems you had insider knowledge and could be as sure as possible it was true

I wouldn't have made any assumptions about whether their marriage had ended or not though. I believe she was entitled to the information, however. Maybe she would have taken a different path, who knows ?

I am not blaming you for keeping shtum, btw, there are lots of people who say "never tell anything, any time, no matter what"

He doesn't appear to know that I know. Perhaps keeping my cards close to my chest will work and we'll see what happens next.

Personally I would have told her at the time (easy for me to say I know and difficult to do) However I agree with AF the time for that has passed and if you feel the need to do anything a word in the husband's ear would be the way to go.

It's a judgement call.

Your friend's husband is divorcing her for alleged emotional abuse the she has perpetrated on him which he claims he 'can't get over'.

Your friend has admitted to you that there is substance to his allegation as her jealousy has been out of control.

Has this jealousy taken the form of her checking his movements, demanding to know his whereabouts, prying into his personal correspondence, and generally acting the part of a suspicious wife who believes her h may be having an affair but is unable to find proof of his infidelity?

If this is the case, I suspect that the slippery arsehole convinced your poor friend and others that she was an unreasonable, possessive, harriden while he was, indeed, having it off with another woman over a period of years. What a twunt!

As for him being 'unable to get over it', I suspect that this is in part or in whole due to him getting his leg over with yet another woman who, in the fullness of time, he will claim to have met after the divorce is finalised.

Of course, it's probable that revealing your knowledge may end your friendship but she deserves to know that there was nothing wrong with her mental health or her twat radar.

No matter what the repercussions may be for you, exposing this particular secret at this late date is likely to make your friend feel infinitely better about herself - and that's what counts.

The truth always wills out and this twunt's chickens are long overdue for roosting.

Izzy I took it that it was his jealousy that was out if control, not hers. (Although I would imagine if he has been having an affair for years this jealousy is probably not all it is cracked up to be).

OP I would just support your friend and be aware that her H probably disengaged from their marriage a long time ago and is using this as an excuse i.e. blame it on his wife while he looks a paragon of virtue. Counteract any bad talking of her amongst other friends and things like that.

am I getting this wrong ?

this bloke is divorcing your wife because she had an emotional affair, right ?

and she admits that

sorry, divorcing his wife, your friend who had an emotional affair

izzyizin, I read it as it being his jealousy rather than hers. truthisoutthere, can you expand a little on whose jealousy it is and what effect it is having please?

Her DH could be seeing it as an opportunity to divorce her and not look like the adulterous bastard he is. Or he could genuinely feel hurt by her EA, in a double-standards kind of way. Hard to tell. I'd be inclined to consider whether he is getting away with anything RIGHT NOW because she doesn't know about his affair, e.g. is he guilt-tripping her into taking a less-than-fair financial settlement by playing the injured party? Tricky. Maybe have a long conversation with your friend, you could gently probe and find out? If the only result from telling her would be her pain and the loss of the friendship, obviously I wouldn't tell her. But if her innocence of his affair is going to put her at a long-term disadvantage, I would tell her, even ifit meant she didn't want to be my friend any more because I hadn't told her before.

EA = emotional affair

or EA= emotional abuse

??

I'd be tempted to tell but probably wouldn't. Does seem very unfair that the husband is now taking the high moral ground.

if I witnessed that in my company, I would nip it in the bud on her behalf (for when I am being forced to listen to it, anyway)

I took it to be Emotional Affair but if it is Emotional Abuse then . Someone who has been having an affair for years would be far more likely to be the perpetrator of abuse rather than the victim.

I am such a pedant, I know , but the OP was ^"My friend is being divorced over an EA." - an EA, noun, so I assumed Emotional Affair.

izzy...you are confuddling us !

O shite - I need a java fix or trip to specsavers...

I erroneously read EA as being 'emotional abuse' instead of 'emotional affair'.

I now take it that the wife has engaged in an emotional affair that her philandering husband 'can't get over'. How tough is that for him?

Either way, I reckon there's a good chance that the h is still up to his old tricks and I would suggest the the OP goes with WYLI's suggestion of a long conversation interspersed by gentle probing and

At least I got the bit about fowls right

Affair!! not abuse and a round of applause to whereyouleftit for explaining it grammatically!

It's probably a double standards thing, he's vair confident and I'll bet he's surprised that his adoring wife isn't as adoring as he believed.

It's tough as besides this hornet's nest they are both really likeable and also habe two children.

it's best really to let them work it out by themselves, tbh

I think you're right.

I thought it meant Extramarital affair.

In my book a married man who carries on with another women behind his wife's back is anything but 'likeable'.

Play it by ear and don't scruple to out him if occasion warrants.