WWYD - knowing about a husband's affair even though he's divorcing his wife for an EA

[truthisoutthere]

Usually i am very much subscribe to the notion that no-one knows what really goes on in a marriage and you should just stay out of it.

Today, i'm in a tricky situation. My friend is being divorced over an EA. Her husband can't get over it. She feels terrible but she says that the jealousy is out of control and nothing she says is believed. So far, her bad.

The problem is thta i know her husband had an affair for years previously with a friend's of mine's sister (also married - we're a hotbed around these parts it would seem). It was one of those small world things and i never saw them. I said nothing as my friend always seemed happily married and i didn't want to rock the boat.

WWYD?

For once I am going to go against AF (as I am normally on the same page). I think that what WhereYouLeftit has hit upon a good point. If he is manipulating her and using her guilt to gain an advantage in the divorce then it would certainly be worth telling her that her guilt was misplaced. I would be surprised if she wasn't aware that he was up to something over the years and may just need positive confirmation of it.

Are you worried that you may lose her as a friend?

No, it's being the bearer of such potentially explosive news that worries me. As this saga unfolds, if she takes on too much responsibility or he is vindictive then I might air it. Once it's said though, I will never be able to take it back so I have to be absolutely certain that it's the correct thing to do.

I think it is a very good point too, Abigail

I do think the time to tell was when it was happening, tbh, though

I thought EA was extramarital affair?

I would have a word with him along the lines of 'you know my friend , don't you. She told me all about you. I am sorry to hear of your divorce. I hear your dw is having a tough time. I assume she knows you know ow?' keep going like that til becomes clear.
However this is only if he using the ea to get the upper hand in the divorce and adding to her guilt needlessly. They are both wrong. But sounds like only one is paying for it and one is getting off without so much as a scratch. Not fair.

It is none of your business.

Yes you are right AF. All this could.probably been avoided if that had happened. I'd just hate to see a scenario where this woman isolated and pilloried and him lauding it over her.

I'd probably be tempted to drop her a hint, half the truth... say you didn't like to say at the time as you didn't want to stir things if it wasn't true, but there was a rumour going round that her H was having an affair in X to Y years. If it makes her feel better it's probably worth it. And you wouldn't be lying, as you never actually saw them at it.

I know Abigail. I think I would have to find a way to get him shitting himself that I knew something, however. Sometimes planting that seed of worry about getting dobbed in can be as effective as actually doing it

with the added benefit of getting him to STFU if he was badmouthing my friend

if he isn't, I would leave it be though