It's a lost card, but it may be the last straw..

[ginnybag]

I'm mostly venting, and it's nothing to wht some people here are coping with but I don't think I can do this anymore.

In the last week my DH has managed to lose: his keys, his bank card, his £200 leather coat and now my company car park pass.

It's typical of him, and the grouping of them has made me realise how typical. He's feckless and careless and I'm sat here, knowing that tomorrow I have to go into work to confess 'I've' lost the pass, and knowing that I'm likely to face serious disciplinary action because of it.

The keys were a pain and somewhat expensive. The coat was his issue - except that replacing it will come from family money and will mean yet another year without sorting out the back garden and another year our 2 yo DD can't play in it. The bank card was just 'one of those things' (I've done it - everyone has) but it has caused chaos all week as he's been off work with DD so has had to borrow mine, or not have a way to take her out - which has meant I'm a week behind being able to sort out all the bills and stuff.

But the car parking pass, as daft as it sounds, may be about to blow our family to hell - it literally might cost me my job.

And the worst thing - he doesn't care. He's sulking because I'm making him look for it. He's 'turned the car upside down' but when I ask him if he's looked in x,y or z, he hasn't. Ad now he's trying to blame me, saying I moved it.

I didn't. I haven't and I've had enough.

It's every time we just get straight. We've had years of issues, mostly caused by his family's various problems. It's life, it happens and I don'thold it againt him, but every time, everytime we get organised and top of things again, he does something thoughtless and sloppy like this and lows it all to hell.

He's gaffed car insurance, he's forgotten to ring people.

I feel like his mother, not his wife. I'm always the one to organise everything, always the one who plans. He just drifts through life, gormless, and I fix shit when it happens.

And I can't do it again. I just can't. I need a break.

Today, I literally paid off the last of mortgage and council tax arrears generated from bailing out his fmaily from the last crisis. It's taken us 2 years to get right - two years of worrying about every bill, of getting to week three of the month and panicking.

I got 5 hours to breathe, and then this. Tomorrow, because he couldn't be careful for 5 minutes, I may be fired, and then we're screwed. I'm half our income, and I'll not get nother job in our area, in my field without a credit check I can't pass for at least 12 months.

I love him. I've loved him for twelve years, but, right now, I'm done.

Sorry for babbling.

Tell work he lost it.

He goes without a coat so your DD doesn't have to go without a garden.

Then have a serious think about whether you can carry on in this marriage as it isn't just a few lost things. You have lost so much more by him being a prat.

I feel a big burden in your post, a lot of responsibility and coping .

Perhaps your work could be understanding ... you could even come clean with them about the real reason (just a thought) ?...

Wondering if your DH got some kind of low grade mental health problems, alcoholism, attention defecit disorder, etc?

What riles me though (and you it seems) is the not taking responsibility and blaming you instead ...

Why on earth would he buy a new £200 coat??? Why can't he get a £20 from Primark?

I would come clean to work as well. Tell them how upset you are and how serious you know it is. But don't say you did it. Just don't.

Totally agree he can do without a coat if he can't take care of a 200 quid one. Let him go to the charity shop and see what they've got - that's just unforgivably careless, and the casual attitude to entitlement runs through everything you've said. Why the HELL should your dd go without a garden? Why the HELL should you have to give him your card? Did he order a replacement? Why couldn't he use cash?

It sounds exhausting. It sounds like all you do is try to keep your family afloat whilst he tries to sink the boat by lurching from one side to another. It quite honestly sounds like it will never end.

Can I ask why you would be fired for losing a company car pass, surely your company can deactivate the pass and perhaps make you pay for a new one, that is what companies I have worked for do.

Sorry you husband is doing what he is doing and has caused you these problems, have you sat down in the past and talked about how this affects your relationship and your life in general.

Could he possible have some kind of medical condition that causes him to be like this. You need to tell him exactly how you feel and how close you are to wanting to leave him because of his attitude, that may be the only way he understands how much his behaviour is afeecting you and your family.

Hope all goes well tomorrow.

Why did he have your work car park pass?

What crossed my mind - do you think he does it on purpose?
It just seems that every time you're on top of things, dh manages to have a drama...

how can you be sacked for losing a car park pass? these things happen..

he does sound bloody hopeless though...

Where I work, losing a pass would be a disciplinary offence. Plenty of places would take a dim view of that kind of thing (HMP, Military, government type places).

It's not your responsibility to shovel up his shit so why are you? If he can't look after a £200 coat then he'd be better off with a £10 charity shop coat. If he loses his bank card then you give him some cash and tell him to make it last until he has sorted out a replacement. If he loses his keys then he sorts out new keys and if he had to borrow yours to get copied made well tough shit, he will have to wait until its convenient for you to loan him your set. If that means he spends a few nights sitting in the car until you get home to let him in - well the inconvenience might just teach him to be more careful.

You're not doing him any favours by mothering him. All you're doing is killing off any respect you have for him and enabling him to be a fuckwit.

I feel for you... And wonder if this will be my story in a few years time. In just over 12 months my DH has broken two iPhones, an ipod touch, a brand new kindle (by letting our toddler look/play/throw against the floor) the watch I bought him for Christmas and lost his house keys he takes absolutely no responsibility for these things and clearly is unable to look after his possessions I have told him that we simply cannot afford to lose that sort of cash by replacing these things. Please do not let your DH replace his coat with another expensive one!!!!

Sorry could not offer any advice, good luck with work tomorrow, I agree with the others about being upfront about what's happened.

Just a thought, but I know someone that had their pass slip down into the door between the glass and the metal if you see what I mean. They retrieved it by removing the panel. I suspect your dh might have noticed if this had happened though. Sorry you are going through all this too

He sounds just like my ex wife. She didn't realise that her carelessness had a huge impact on me and accused me of caring more about stuff than her... as I was wasting my time fixing something else she'd broken or forking out for another lost item.

Life is better without her.

It certainly might be worth taking the car to pieces and then before taking your H to pieces

Excellent post MrsGaff

I think losing things can be a sign of stress. When I start losing keys, bankers card I'm stressed. But it is annoying for you though. And the £200 coat is just too much. And I've just read your post again. You sound really really stressed out. Stop running after him.

Sorry you are feeling this way
Unfortunately, yes, you have become a mother figure - you are his safety net and you're not doing him any favors.
He doesn't care that he loses items or 'forgets' to call companies because he has you and he knows that you will.
He needs a kick up the arse and if that doesn't work (and it probably won't) then he needs a serious serious jolt.
To start with I would say stuff you to replacing the jacket. I'm at the very idea of it. It's his loss and he should do without.

You won't ever change him completely but you can implement changes by altering how you respond in turn.
You see...my DH used to be a little bit like this.
He knew I would always be there to pick up the pieces. I stopped and got him involved in sorting things out (with me literally standing right over next to him for the most part) but by heck it worked. There are only so many 'accidents' that you can overlook. The last straw came when he almost burnt down our kitchen because he was 'distracted' and just didn't seem to bother about the repercussions. Luckily dd and I were away at the time, but I had to clean up in more ways than one.
I was the last time I did.

Unfortunately though, this latest stint of your DH has put your job on the line. Perhaps it won't be a bad as you say but that's not reallly the point.

I know I'm not much help with my rantings, I just wanted to say I've been here and can empathise.
You need to do something, don't think about doing it - actually do it, otherwise it won't be the last time you will feel this way.

Thanks everyone - it helps just to realise I'm not losing my mind, and blowing stuff out of all proportion.

Without outing myself too much, yes, the pass could really be that serious. I'm hoping not, but even if I still work here, it's going to seriously damage my credibility, and thus make my job that much harder to actually do.

I've wondered about some sort of memory issue - and I've asked him to see someone about it, many times - but as with a lot of things, it's something he always 'forgets' to do. Also, he's heavily involved in a very detailed, rules based hobby and has quite a reputation for being a walking rule book. He can recall stuff when he wants to and he thinks it's important.

We had another example last night. He had a friend over in the evening, and was giving him a lift home. DD fell asleep early, so I stayed at home (which is when I was writing the OP!).

Whilst he was out, I reminded him that he had my card (he has ordered a replacement, but car needs petrol etc and we only have one bank account. He was off work with DD last week, so he needed to be able to top up, buy food etc while they were out and about. In his defense, he's good with her!) and asked him to get the money out for our Childminder - one of the bills I couldn't sort myself, because he had my card.

I asked him to draw one week plus two bank holiday days. He came back £60 short. I gave him the total - actually said the total figure to him - but he 'didn't hear me properly'.

I should just have done it myself - I know he'd gaff it - but I pointed out when he got back and we'd done ripping the car and the house to pieces, that this was the sort of thing I was talking about. I don't want to have to everything myself all the time because he 'can't be trusted'. I want a partner who is that - a partner and a dad that I can just leave and trust that things will get done.

I'm just tired, all the time, and worried every time I ask him to do something. I realised typing last night just how bad it's gotten. He's lovely - wonderful in every other way, but it just feels like he's never really become a grown up, because he's never had to. Even with his hobby, I bail him out when he plans stuff at the last minute and then can't make it work.

We talked a bit last night, and I did say about half of what I have here, but whether that will go in, or not, I don't know. He's very much the make an effort for a week and then lapse back type.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

Why have you felt the need to bail him out along with his irresponsible family?.

Why are you still with this person?. He is dragging you down with him and sadly for you you have also facilitated this whole process.

Don't beat yourself up to much about the lost pass. Remember that MP who disposed off letters in a park bin. And several cases of highly confidential stuff have been left about. Ministery of Defence and the like. I can see you are furious as it wasn't you who lost the pass. Hope you work things out.

I think you need to sit him down and make it very very clear that you will not bail out his family any more ever you will not sort out his mess again ever, and if he can not do the most simple things with out being a useless fuck up then he is out on his ear, Also he can do without a bloody coat if he is stupid enough to lose it, get the garden done why should your DD suffer because he is so useless?

I really hope the pass wont cause you too much trouble at work.

Has he ever given an explanation for why he's so disconnected? Has he ever made an effort to be more organised, by keeping a calendar or a diary? Also, why on earth were you bailing out his family?

I agree with Attila.

He sounds extremely selfish and immature. He might be good with DD but he is causing trouble left right and centre for you and ultimately DD too. Life for you both would be easier without him and his family.

How could he not get the right amount of money out of a cashpoint? Unbelievable .

It must feel, OP, like he's doing it on purpose. Deliberately sabotaging what you should be your sanctuary from the world: your house, your family. He needs a major reality check.

I have to say, if I was in your situation, Ginny, I'd be giving him an ultimatum. Concentrate more on running your own life and helping to run your household and family, for which you are equally responsible with me, and less on your bloody hobby, or by God, I'll make you choose between family and hobby, one or the other.