It's a lost card, but it may be the last straw..

[ginnybag]

I'm mostly venting, and it's nothing to wht some people here are coping with but I don't think I can do this anymore.

In the last week my DH has managed to lose: his keys, his bank card, his £200 leather coat and now my company car park pass.

It's typical of him, and the grouping of them has made me realise how typical. He's feckless and careless and I'm sat here, knowing that tomorrow I have to go into work to confess 'I've' lost the pass, and knowing that I'm likely to face serious disciplinary action because of it.

The keys were a pain and somewhat expensive. The coat was his issue - except that replacing it will come from family money and will mean yet another year without sorting out the back garden and another year our 2 yo DD can't play in it. The bank card was just 'one of those things' (I've done it - everyone has) but it has caused chaos all week as he's been off work with DD so has had to borrow mine, or not have a way to take her out - which has meant I'm a week behind being able to sort out all the bills and stuff.

But the car parking pass, as daft as it sounds, may be about to blow our family to hell - it literally might cost me my job.

And the worst thing - he doesn't care. He's sulking because I'm making him look for it. He's 'turned the car upside down' but when I ask him if he's looked in x,y or z, he hasn't. Ad now he's trying to blame me, saying I moved it.

I didn't. I haven't and I've had enough.

It's every time we just get straight. We've had years of issues, mostly caused by his family's various problems. It's life, it happens and I don'thold it againt him, but every time, everytime we get organised and top of things again, he does something thoughtless and sloppy like this and lows it all to hell.

He's gaffed car insurance, he's forgotten to ring people.

I feel like his mother, not his wife. I'm always the one to organise everything, always the one who plans. He just drifts through life, gormless, and I fix shit when it happens.

And I can't do it again. I just can't. I need a break.

Today, I literally paid off the last of mortgage and council tax arrears generated from bailing out his fmaily from the last crisis. It's taken us 2 years to get right - two years of worrying about every bill, of getting to week three of the month and panicking.

I got 5 hours to breathe, and then this. Tomorrow, because he couldn't be careful for 5 minutes, I may be fired, and then we're screwed. I'm half our income, and I'll not get nother job in our area, in my field without a credit check I can't pass for at least 12 months.

I love him. I've loved him for twelve years, but, right now, I'm done.

Sorry for babbling.

I typed out a whole thing, and then it vanished! Grrr....

I think I'll get away with it at work. The MD has just come back from Holiday and is in a reasonably good mood. He shouted (a lot), handed me a bill and is now rolling his eyes every time he sees me. There'll definately be a File Note - I've issued the damn things myself to other staff - and he'll remember but if he were going to sack me, he would've by now.

Thank God.

I agree I shouldn't have lent him the thing, btw, but I just didn't think even he was this feckless!

Those of you saying split finances - I need to be fair here - DH is not bad with money. He doesn't spend money we don't have, or I'd have walked a long time ago! He loses his card regularly, though, and on this occasion, it was stunningly bad timing as he had three days 'out' with DD planned which might have caused 'unforeseen' spends. They were planned with the full knowledge that we would be finally 'comfortable' again, and were quite 'pricey' things we'd wanted to do with her and not been able to. Hence he had my (the) bank card, in case there was something he wanted to buy (for her) that he didn't have the cash on him to do.

Also, I've seen what happens to couples with separate bank accounts when one of them dies unexpectedly. That is, almost exactly, what happened with my MIL and FIL last year, which is partly what got us into trouble. All the money in his (FIL's) name only, because he earned it and she had a thing for decorating (according to him).... and then he died, with no warning and no Will, leaving her with absolutely no money, no ability to speak (courtesy of a stroke 5 years ago! Debt causing incident number one....) and no way even to buy food until all the probate was sorted out.... If we hadn't helped, she'd literally have starved. Even her own benefits and pensions were going into 'his' account.

Giving DH no access to the main account means that, should I get hit by a bus (unlikely, I know!) he and DD have no access to any of the 'main' money until the Courts say so. Even with a Will, that's not necessarily quick. I won't do that.

And, besides, I don't want to have to do that. I agree with all the posters who say he'd happily hand over all control. But that really does mean I'm doing everything, and that's not the point! If I can't trust him to be another adult, then I really have to think about whether we stay together - which brings me right back to where we start.

I feel so sad for you OP. I hope you are ok. Agree with that. Are you?

Thank god for your bosses' holiday... We have a joint account and then each have our own accounts. Half of each of our salary goes to joint to cover general stuff, although to be fair, my dh is very good with money. Good, in that he doesn't spend a lot, not good as in knowing what bills have to paid when and where

Good news about your work!

I guess from what you're saying, he's grown up in a household where one person is in control of the money and the other is seen as feckless. Your mil wouldn't have been in that situation if she'd sorted it out with fil over the years would she? So, in order to stop this passing further down the generations you need to decide what you want to do along with your dh.

I think going along the route of 'you lost it, you sort it' is a start. Ask him what he's going to do about the coat situation. Ask him how is he going to help with the additional stress he's caused you wrt this car park pass.

If he grew up in a household where there was always financial crises then he may not know what to do when there isn't one, so if a period of calm approaches, he panics and tips everything up as this is what he's used to. He needs to do some soul searching I think to figure out the whys, act on them and then there won't be the consequences to deal with for you and your dc.

I'm okay at the mo - I'm at work, and therefore busy.

I've just been reading back though some of my other posts on here, and I'm seeing in them a scary amount of me doing 'stuff' because DH (and his family) haven't.

Makes me wonder if it's me!

I need to step away, but I'm not sure I can cope with the freefall that will occur at that point. It's taken soo long to get everything straight that I'm scared of it getting messed up again!

I am glad work hasn't imploded. Phew.

The trouble is that if you do nothing about the situation with DH, nothing is going to change.

What do you want to achieve? You need to decide this and then think how to achieve it.

OP me and DH have our own bank accounts at separate banks, but they are both in our joint names (in case anything happened to either of us). Both our Banks are aware of the "arrangement" and only issue one card to the "main cardholder" It works very well as we both have responsibility for various bills.
It could work for you.

What freefall?

By stepping away all you are doing is saying to him "if you lose something, deal with it". How will that cause a freefall?

The financial side of things is separate and if he is, as you say, good with money as a general rule then all you need to work on is this lazy fecklessness which is easily solved. First thing, don't allow him to replace the £200 coat with another £200 coat. Second, if he fucks up, don't bail him out.

When he lost the bank card, he could have driven to the bank with all his details and I'm sure they would have issued him with some cash whilst his bank card was being replaced. If you had lost it, this is what you would have had to do. So this is what he has to do. If it means that he misses one day of doing things with his dd then that's a harsh lesson to learn but at least he will have learnt it.

The thing is, it means the OP can trust with him stuff which doesn't impact on her or dd if he fails. That said:

• what did he say when he was requested to go back to the cashpoint for the rest of the childminder money? (My guess: he bitched so much the OP did it herself)
• what did he say when he was told sadly there was no money for a 200 quid coat? (My guess: the OP hasn't said anything, just let him do it, see bitching above).
• what did he say when told, since he had to have custody of the bank card, it was his job to pay the bills that were due? (My guess: deafening silence. The OP knew he'd fuck it up accidentally-on-purpose and she'd be worse off as a result).

I think his faux-uselessness has worn you down completely, ginnybag. Why wait for the next crisis?

Hurray!! that work is ok
Listen to what other people are (very wisely) saying and don't let relief distract you from dealing with what is at the base of all this.