How do you end a friendship with a person you see regularly?

[Earlybird]

She's not a long-term friend, but someone I have gotten to know well over the past few years through our dds, who are great pals. She is very friendly, engaging, and quite charismatic.

She's an accomplished high end freelance children's photographer and is adept at networking her way into various circles/communities as she seeks commissions for work. I'm afraid I was taken in. But now I see that she is someone with an agenda. And I see how I have been used.

I do not want to be friendly with her any longer. But it will be awkward to distance myself from her, as our paths cross regularly. It has been our habit to sit together at various events for our children. It will make quite a clear statement if I sit elsewhere.

How does a person end a friendship with someone they encounter regularly? I do not want the issue between us to jeopardise the friendship between our dds.

Anyone got advice or experience with this sort of thing?

You feel you have been used? Are you sure? I guess I am confused... Until now, you didn't notice? Just be more careful around her so you don't feel used??

Sorry, wish I could give you advice...

Is it essential you cut all contact. Sounds a bit dramatic. So she's used you for networking, it's not really the crime of the century but now you are aware you can avoid situations whereby you think your goodwill is taken advantage of.

There must be more to it than you are explaining.

How old are your daughters? Is it something that you could ride out until you no longer need to attend the same events?

Why dont you tell her how you feel? that you feel she was trying to get some business out of you. She may often have these kind of chats with so-called clients/friends if she really does network and use friendships for making money. I have had experience of people becoming friendly and guess what? their selling or pyrimid selling something! Feel sorry for her, those kind of people will end up feeling lonely and unloved.

Does she invite herself to your social circles and network for commissions? If that is the case i would be upfront with her, say you enjoy her company but could she refrain from touting for business at your social events.

It is a difficult conversation i understand but a necessary one if you want to save your sanity (and your other friends)

I have got loads of work for my DP by networking at DDs school, but this is secondary to any friendships or associations i make. Maybe you should give her the benefit of the doubt. Id be devestated if people think i had an agenda :( Saying that, instinct is a good indicator and there is a woman at DDs school who i feel much the same way as you do OP. I just distanced myself, didn't arrange anything, avoided her in playground but wasn't blatant about it at parties for the DDs or anything.

On a practical note, how often do you see her / have contact? Is it a matter of just being friendly to each other because of your DDs who are friends, or do either of you initiate contact outside of this?

Does your DD not have other friends whose Mums you are also friendly with? It might be healthier anyway to widen your circle of friends within the other Mums.

Has she really callously manipulated her way in to friendships with a view to exploiting them for commissions? I suspect that if I met someone who was a photographer I would be tempted to have some photos done, but it would be interest on my part rather than someone selling me something I don't want.

It sounds like there is more to this ...

Our daughters ar 11.

She has used me by taking advantage of my willingness to help a friend. I have done favour after favour - all a one-way street. Most recently she asked me to have her dd overnight, asked if I could help out by collecting her dd for the overnight, and then showed up 2.5 hours late to collect her dd the next day - and only after I'd contacted her a bit disgruntled to find out why she was so late! She arrived insisting that my 'no-need-to-arrive-right-on-time -for-pickup' comment meant she could roll up whenever she pleased. Since then, I have not heard from her.

I think she has also used me as a source of potential clients. For instance: we were at a dinner party over the weekend (hosted by a couple I introduced her to). She spent most of the evening huddled up with the hostess laughing, giggling and whispering. It was rude and ridiculous - reminded me of being in school.

This is not a person I wish to have as a friend.

Um. If you said there was no need to pick up her DD on time, perhaps she took your word for for it. And if you didn't want to do her favours, say no.
You sound jealous that you weren't getting all her attention at the party.

You can simply let it fizzle away, no need for a big dramatic break.
No more play dates, you are just so busy or have already made other plans.
If you go to the same events say hi but then engage with somebody else.

It will be a bit uncomfortable for a while, but she will eventually just be an acquaintance and not a friend any more.

Are you sure you aren't a bit jealous of her? Do you feel like she's steeling your friends?

For the sake of your DD and her friend, I think you need to be upfront with this woman. She sounds nice really - friendly, engaging etc, so do you really need to burn your bridges with the friendship?

Wouldn't it be better to sit her down and set out what you are able to cope with in the friendship? She may not know that she is crossing boundaries and although she might be upset to find out you are upset with her, as your friend, hasn't she a right to know?
I was cut dead by a friend for 6 months and it was so hurtful not knowing why. It turns out I overwhelmed her on a weekend away (and over several months before) with my problems re my Stepdad. We eventually became friends again, and the friendship was much stronger for it, once I knew what the problem was and could adjust the way I was with her.

Personally, I would explain to her your problems and give her a chance to see if she can back off on the parts that piss you off.

OK- so she is a bit of a pain but it doesn't sound like she has done anything that bad and your daughters are friends. So surely you can just say no to favours and and distance yourself a bit rather than never talking to her again which in my opinion is a bit dramatic and not very fair on your daughter.

I'd go for the letting it just fizzle out route as well, which it sounds like it might if she's not contacted you since (would she normally have by now?) Does she have any good points though and you are just pissed off about this? Does hse reciprocate sleepovers etc?

Another one for maintaining a friendly approach, but not going out of your way. Don't do favours - just say you can't, and don't offer. If you don't want her to nick your friends, don't introduce her to your circle, although it is true, you don't own your friends - they can be friends with whoever else they want. I can understand being a bit miffed.

Do you think you might be the sort of person who offers to do things for people, in the expectation that the other person will be friends with you and show you gratitude? Then when they take your offer at face value, you are hurt? I only say this as it was something that I realised I did (and probably still do to a certain extent, but not as much), and I would feel really hurt and used. When you find yourself thinking 'harrumph, and after all I did, then that's the way they behave ?..' that's a pretty sure sign.

I don't think there is any need for a big show down - just keep it friendly and vague and it will take its own course.

I agree with BerylStreep; it sounds as though you might be doing things for people to make them like you. I used to be like that but in actual fact by being like that you do tend to attract users and people that take advantage of you. It's hard to break out of that mindset but actually these days I do just focus on pleasing myself and it's far better. Just yesterday I disagreed with someone and a friend told me not to say anything but I went ahead and disagreed with this person anyway, whilst 2 or 3 years ago I'd have done as my friend said as I'd have been worried my friend would have fallen out with me. I don't know whether said friend is cross or annoyed but to be honest I am glad I spoke my mind and if she is cross then it's not my problem.

In your situation, I think it does seem as though this woman is trying to push her way in with all your friends. She sounds as though she's quite loud and pushy, and you may well find that your friends that are taken in by her soon get fed up with her too and stop hanging around with her.

I would:

Avoid introducing her to any further friends and make plans to see mutual friends without this woman there.

Say a quick hello to her at the school/shop/someone's house but always be 'busy' or 'in a hurry'. I often keep walking whilst saying hello to someone I don't really want to talk to, as if I've got to rush off somewhere. Did it right now on the school run, in fact

Be vague with her. Don't make any plans with her. 'Hmmm, I think I'm busy that day, will have to check the diary and get back to you'

Of course, if you are quite cold with her, she may well ask you if she's upset you. Your reaction depends on what outcome you want. Do you want to carry on being friends with her? Or would you prefer to keep her at acquaintance level? If the latter just say 'no' and carry on being cool. If you want to salvage the friendship then you could reply 'yes' and tell her what you've said here.

Good luck, let us know how it goes

In my world, it's quite normal for friends to be introduced to other friends - that's how friendship circles work. You sound a bit bitter and jealous - do you feel you are being sidelined? I have also got freelance work through friends of friends. Again, quite normal.

If you're unhappy, cool things down, but it seems a bit over dramatic to formally end the friendship. Especially if your DDs are friends. I feel like I'm missing something here.

I agree with all the others. Nothing drastic is required here.
Just say no to favours. Not being able to say no , is a common fault. We all want people to like us.
Find new freinds and don't introduce her.
Distance yourself and tell her less personal things.
But keep all the pleasantries.

I too am a bit concerned about your network jealousy. Don't most people 'network'?
Plus, get introduced through a friend and then find you actually have more in common with the new friend than you do actually have in common with the old friend? Now if I was the old friend, I would be upset that 2 people I had introduced had formed a closer and excluding friendship. But , realistically what can you do?

Plus some people are just natuarally social. They have zillions of friends. I don't. My close friend does. And she is also a hairdresser so needs to drum up business from primary and pre school. I have a part time job and do not need to get business from anyone. But i have no jealousy of her. I know she is my friend. We pop round to eachothers for coffee regularly.

Maybe the realisation that your friendship was not as strong as you thougth it was, has just hit you a bit hard.

From what i can see the worst accusations levelled at your friend were that:

1. she was 2.5 hrs late to pick up DD, but only after you had said not to worry about being on time

1. She was friendly with the hostess of a dinner party she was attending, the hostess was someone you introduced her to

I cant see anywhere that she is 'using you as a source of potential clients'.

i think further 'drip feeding' is required

I think 2.5 hours late in picking up her child that the OP had had overnight already as a favour is very much taking advantage, MarthasHarbour. Her friend sounds very much like a taker IMO. Sitting whispering at a dinner party is rude too.

i know what you mean Hexagonal but the OP is accusing the friend of using her for a professional advantage, i cant see any evidence of this. i just feel that there is more to this story.