How do you end a friendship with a person you see regularly?

[Earlybird]

She's not a long-term friend, but someone I have gotten to know well over the past few years through our dds, who are great pals. She is very friendly, engaging, and quite charismatic.

She's an accomplished high end freelance children's photographer and is adept at networking her way into various circles/communities as she seeks commissions for work. I'm afraid I was taken in. But now I see that she is someone with an agenda. And I see how I have been used.

I do not want to be friendly with her any longer. But it will be awkward to distance myself from her, as our paths cross regularly. It has been our habit to sit together at various events for our children. It will make quite a clear statement if I sit elsewhere.

How does a person end a friendship with someone they encounter regularly? I do not want the issue between us to jeopardise the friendship between our dds.

Anyone got advice or experience with this sort of thing?

I agree with you, I think a little more detail would be good cause I'm a nosey cow

Agreed. More to this, than meets the eye. Dish the dirt OP.

You can't exactly 'turn up late' if someone tells you that it doesn't matter if you are late contacting your child
And if someone introduces you to their friends, does that mean you can't be friends with them? Are we all actually 12 years old?

Hmm, well if someone did me the huge favour of having my child overnight I would consider it royally taking the piss to be two and half hours later than the agreed pick up time without sending a text or calling her to explain I'd be late, even if they did say not to worry too much about being on time. Where do you draw the line with it still being ok to be late? 2 hours late? 12 hours late? having the child a second night too? And the OP didn't just say she'd introduced this woman to her friends, she said that this woman sat sniggering and whispering with her friend at a dinner party, which is actually quite rude behaviour.

But if you are friends with someone and want them to be on timne- TELL THEM. It's the worse sort of passive aggressive to say it doesn't matter when it actually does.
And as for the sniggering and whispering at the dinner party- perhaps she had something in common with the hostess, perhaps she is good at making friends. Why isn't the hostess of the dinner party also being castigated?

Yep I think it was rude of them both to sit and snigger, but the OP posted about her friend not about the hostess. But yes, incredibly childish, rude behaviour. Perhaps the OP meant 'don't worry about the traffic in case you're 15 minutes late' or something like that and the friend took it to mean something different? It's hard to know without knowing what was actually said. I do know though that regardless of what anyone said I wouldnt' waltz in 2 and a half hours late to pick up my child from someone that was doing me a favour without at least having the common courtesy to let the person know I would be late.

IME, you just ignore them as though you had no idea who they were, or disappear out of their lives never to be seen again. I can't count the number of times this has happened to me, in RL and online too.

If I were you, I would carry on as you were but don't get drawn in to any plans or schemes she mentions. Be a bit less "available" and she will eventually get the message.

I can't see that the friend has done much wrong really. Ok it was a bit off with the late pick-up of her DD but you did say not to worry about being on time.

And your dinner party hostess friend sounds equally as rude and ridiculous with all the whispering and giggling, in fact, as the hostess, even more rude! Are you going to bin her off too?

I don't see how turning up late at various school events so there are no seats near her sitting elsewhere makes such a big statement. If you want to distance yourself from this woman it's easily done.

I can see why you feel angry though if feel you've done her "favour after favour" with no return though. If that's how you view it then you feel used - understandable.

I also remember a thread about someone being very late to pick up her DD, resulting in the cancellation of a later event in the day - was that you, OP? She took your "take your time" comment too literally and really did take ages at a car boot sale, if it's the same one.

The dinnerparty thing is pathetically childish and immature by the sound of it.

Re. dropping her as a friend, just start to refuse the favours. Then find other people to sit/chat with at events where you both have to be. Stay polite with this one but make it apparent that your days of closeness are over.

I find that saying no to favours really does feel liberating and you do start to realise who your real friends are, OP. Next time she asks for a favour, just say you'll check the diary and get back to her on it, if she's the type of person that pushes you into things

The picking up thing - if I am hosting a sleepover or playdate (dreadful phrase bykwim) I would say 'see you around 5.00 or so, but don't worry about being spot on time.' Someone arriving at 5.30 would be fine. Arriving at 7.30 would most definitely not.

I don't see that as passive aggressive.

Once again I agree with BerylStreep. There's being a bit late and then there's taking the mickey, and the OP's friend did the latter imo

Sorry to have disappeared. Thanks to all for your feedback. it is thought provoking, and helpful.

There is a more complicated back story than what was described in the OP. I would be very petty if the few incidents described were all that had happened between us. But it goes deeper, and the incidents mentioned were the 'final straw' in an established pattern of behaviour.

I work from home, and have a flexible schedule. This allows me to be accommodating. If needed, I want to help friends who I believe care about me. I don't think I do it in order to be liked, but will give that some thought.

This friend asks for a lot of help. I don't 'keep score' but have recently realised how one-sided things have been: I have looked after her children multiple times, have invited her to business events so she might make work contacts, have introduced her to friends who I think she might enjoy and who also might commission photography sessions, have had her family (including her mother) over to dinner several times, have driven her to the airport, even spent an afternoon driving her to the shops when her husband was away and her car was not working.

Typical behaviour from her: I was invited to her house for dinner and arrived to find that she had not begun cooking, had no food in the house and wanted me to take her shopping. She has had my dd for a sleepover once - beyond that, it is 'just not convenient' most of the time when the girls ask. I could go on (I already have! ). i have simply been useful to her, and now it has (finally) dawned on me that I have been too willing and available.

Also let me say that i am more than happy to introduce friends to other friends - and certainly do not have to be included in every conversation or occasion when they get together! If i sound bitter, it is because the scatty, charismatic charm has worn thin. I see that she takes advantage, and does not reciprocate. I have been treated shoddily, but bear part of the blame because by being flexible, accommodating and relatively easy-going - I allowed it to happen.

Anyway - what was the original question - how does a person end a friendship?

That all sounds much more understandable - good post.

I think you should do what the other posters said. Fade her out. It's surprisingly easy. Just stop returning messages, unless its her inviting your dd over. Stop getting her out to network. Be pleasant, but distant. I dont think people realise when they are being blanked most of the time.
Don't burn your bridges though by being too sharp and dismissive of her, just for the sake of your DD.

She does sound like one of life's takers. As I said earlier, all you can do is distance yourself from her. Say no to her requests. To be honest, people like that usually don't give a monkeys when friends drop them, so it will probably be fairly easy to do.

Yes been there, t-shirt,another one in favour of letting it fizzle out.

I also had a friend where I would turn up for dinner and there would be nothing . Or I'd be invited round for a BBQ and somehow end up supplying nearly all the food and all of the drink with her shopping "list" suggestions! However, the same ex-friend did help me with some advice recently. But generally-speaking I keep my contact friendly and distant.

We got invited round to dinner with friends once - Sunday lunch - and when we got there they had no food and the cooker wasn't even working. They wanted DH - who is an electrician - to look at it and mend it for them! For free! It took him hours whilst I sat there bored out of my mind and starving hungry. At 4pm the woman went to the Tesco express and got a few bits and pieces but it was hardly a proper meal

Just one more thing - when your friend next asks for a favour, when you say 'sorry, it doesn't suit' leave it at that. Don't start explaining or giving excuses. Over-explaining is a sure sign that someone is lying, and it just gives the requester the opportunity to knock down your explanations.

It's not nice to feel that you have been used.

And once again I agree with Beryl streep (fawner alert!! ). Also don't apologise to the friend when you say no to her as it instills a sense of guilt in you if you do

Good advice.

FYI, she called yesterday to ask if I would take her dd out for the day to an amusement park as a birthday present instead of purchasing a gift.

I realised another thing a few days ago that is worth noting. Our house was burgled about 3 weeks ago. It was quite upsetting, as you can imagine. I told her about it the day before her dd came to spend the night (the time she arrived 2.5 hours late for pick up). Her response was 'oh, that's awful. Do you feel safe in the house? Do you think it is safe for our dd to sleep over?' She has never said another thing about it - hasn't asked exactly what happened or how, hasn't asked about the police investigation, hasn't asked about what was taken (beyond the little info I volunteered), hasn't sympathised - nothing. That speaks volumes.

I really have been a mug.

I hope you said no to the taking her daughter out to the park instead of a present, as you usually only buy friends' kids small things anyway. It doesn't sound as though you like her any more so I'd just be firmer with her and fade her out.

bloody cheek about the amusement park thing. she clearly wants a day to herself

just say no and be firm, then phase her out. Your DD's will make their own way and will decide whether they like eachother or not

"And once again I agree with Beryl streep (fawner alert!! )."

Quite right Hex. If only more people came round to your [our] way of thinking.

about the amusement park. What's wrong with a T-shirt from M&S?

Sorry to hear about the burglary.

What a fucking cheek asking you to take her daughter to a theme park. I'd be tempted to just get her daughter a gift from the pound shop after that little gem!

LOL Beryl, exactly!