Please help me re-engage

[uselesslife]

I need some motivation
I feel shit
I look like shit, I really need to lose weight
I try to diet, but get shaky and weak.
I have a knee injury
I've been to the doctors, had blood tests
But it's more of an emotional state
I'm not depressed, anxious sometimes, but not depressed

I am very unhappy with DH, I think we are not going to survive
It hurts that I don't feel any affection for him any more, tbh I loathe him most of the time. I feel anxious when he is due home, and wonder what the hell is going to happen now, what his mood is going to be like
It's his fault and he admits this. we can't separate right now, no-one has anywhere to go. He begs me not to leave him

My DS is beautiful, and my life, but is so active and I can't cope with him 100% and feel guilty about him going to nursery. I worry constantly that I am not doing enough for him.

Everything is just too much
I cannot cope

I am aware that a lot of this is hormonal, I feel like this every month, but it doesn't make it any less real
Doctor done hormone tests too, all fine

I hate my life
I never expected it to be like this

From the outside, it looks pretty good, but I am so miserable

It sounds as if your not so 'd' h has ground you down, honey.

What's stopping you from separating? If he's been abusive get in touch with www.womensaid.org.uk and talk about the possibility of refuge accomodaton for you and your little ds.

we have no spare funds for either of us to live anywhere else

I can't seem to get a job, and he owes 1000's in tax which is being taken out of his salary

the thought of splitting up with him scares me. not the unknown, just how we would survive

ds is going to school in September

The thought of splitting up may be scary but staying with him is making you ill, overweight and feeling like shit. The womens aid link you've been given is very good indeed and there is a lot of financial assistance available for people in your situation. You don't have to be physically injured to ask for their help.

Being in a relationship with someone that alternates between begging you not to leave and making you worried because you don't know what mood they'll be in is not healthy. It's how many men control their partners.

You will feel much better about yourself and all kinds of other things if you make just one step to take charge of one aspect of your life. You don't need motivation... just a little action.

Do you feel the same about DH when you are not hormonal?

yes

when I am hormonal, what changes, is my ability to cope with it all
I just feel like it's all hopeless, and just want to cry

most of the time, I just get on with it

If you're not clinically depressed and there's nothing physically wrong then you've got to reach the conclusion that what's making you miserable is your environment i.e.your home. The hopelessness stems from feeling that you have no alternative but to 'get on with it'. No living thing thrives when it is trapped.

The day that you decide to change something about your home-life will be the day you start to feel better. Posting on MN for support is actually a very positive & courageous first step because it can be very traumatic to acknowledge the reality in black and white. Why not check out the Relationship Guide next or do some other background reading? Acquiring information may help you re-engage and give you a sense of control. And do find a friend in real life to talk all this through with. More people have experienced bad relationships than you think.

I hate myself
I'm so weak

I can't get out of this rut, let alone find the strength to leave my marriage

Have you thought about counselling?

We've done relationship counselling
All seems like a lot of money to waste to just sit and talk. No-one has ever told me anything I didn't know. Iykwim.
I think it's really hard to find a good one
I know you mean for me not us.

There are numerous good counsellors who work for the NHS - ask your GP to refer you for assessment.

Unfortunately, motivation can't be bought off the shelf. Does thinking about the harmful effect that his dps' loveless relationship will have on your ds give you any desire to bring about positive change in your life?

Forget about diets and weight loss programmes. If you cut out sugary snacks, ready-made meals, and other empty calories in favour of nutritious foods that are rich in vitamins, you will begin to feel better about yourself and lose weight. Check out the mumsnet recipe section and search the web for inspiration - you don't need loads of money to eat well.

Also google herbs that are particularly good for women's health - kelp, black cohosh, red raspberry, sarsparilla, alfafa, hops, evening primrose, etc and consider taking St John's Wort to lift your low mood.

Your h may be begging you to stay with him but, given that you have a dc to consider, I would suggest that he leaves the marital home. As a single parent you may be entitled to a raft of benefits - he can keep himself in a bedsit and have contact with ds on a regular basis.

If you get yourself out of this toxic marriage I have no doubt that, like many thousands of women before you, you'll survive very well indeed. In fact, I would bet that within 6 months of getting out from under you'll discover a zest for life you didn't know you possessed.

You can do this, honey, and you owe it to your ds to do it sooner rather than later.

This time I've remembered to click convert links! www.womensaid.org.uk - give your local branch a call.

i have no inclination to cook myself anything
i think i've lost my appetite

i was supposed to go out today, but cancelled
if I didn't have to take ds to pre-school I wouldn't be leaving the house

going to force myself to go to boots

another thing, everything feels like a huge big deal
simple phone calls
I've made an arrangement with another mum for Sat, don't know where I am going to get the strength to be all cheerful. I've never met her before

I just need a good shake

Consider yourself shaken... now get on with stirring yourself up

Well went to boots to get some vitamins
Got some for DS, and he then sneaked off with the jar and nearly ate the lot

Had to take him to a &e to get him checked out
He's fine, if a little rumbly tummy

Took my mind off my stupid non worries

wow.wasnt around yesterday to reply.
So glad he is ok

Hi there OP, are you OK?

What struck me about your post is the way you described your relationship with H. Are you walking on eggshells around him and watching what you say in case he gets upset/angry? Does the smallest, seemingly innocuous comment send him off?

As for the counselling, I think that's a good idea for you, just you, without H. The counselling can help you settle the emotions you are going through at the moment.

Keep talking to us, it can help to get those thoughts out there rather than keeping them in.....

dh away right now, so it's ok
i do tread on eggshells a bit, but it's more his ranting that just makes me edgy
Everything drives him mad

had really bad day today, I have to find £7k for the taxman, I had physio on my knee which was soo painful, I asked for gas and air, seriously.

but the worst thing
After wandering around shopping trying not to cry at everything
I decided I had to make another doctors appt
So I called and the one sympathetic doctor that I have finally found after 10 years has left

And the receptionist said "could you call back when you have decided who you want to see"
nice and sympathetic

cue me bawling my eyes out outside DS's nursery

Best part of the day, cuddling up with DS

Glad you have had a cuddle with your DS.
I think in your case you need to do baby steps to help change things in your life.
If you have to do 1 baby step tomorrow,what should it be?
Personally I dont make decisions for the day ahead until after breakfast each day.That is,after I have had a nights rest,and had food in the morning.Does it work that way for you,or are you ok at making decisions now for the day ahead.

Awww sweetie, I know its a setback, but keep trying to see a Dr. If you are crying outside of the nursery and when you are out shopping, that's not normal, and it looks like your emtional state is shot to pieces at the moment.

You need to see a GP so that he can give you anti-depressants (if you want and need them, I would suggest yes), and can refer you to a counsellor just for you. You need to give you some TLC right now. Crying at the drop of a hat is not considered good and when you start explaining this to your GP, he/she will understand and help you.

Good luck and all the best...

Why do you need to find £7k for the taxman?

Thanks
Will make an appt with new GP I guess

Accountant did my taxes for last year and that's how much I owe. I was self employed for 6 months.
I had put the tax money away but needed it for ordinary expenses

I'm not an accountant but to me it seems too much...£7K tax for only 6 months work? I'm self employed and will do my tax myself tomorrow, now I'm freaking out....

complexo, how can you say it's too much when you have no clue how much I made?
I need to check it today, but it sounds about right to me
But stupidly I thought you submitted your tax return then they sent you a bill

Glad you are going to make an appointment with the new GP
Might you be allowed to pay the tax you might owe,in instalments?

So is £7K = £700 or £7000. I'm confused. I thing it is £7000 which seems a lot for a tax bill for 6 months work but yea I have no clue how much you made. Anyway I always thought they would send you a bill after you complete your tax return, how does it work anyway? Hope you are getting help and will find a solution for your relationship soon, I'm kind of in the same boat