Help me understand my mum's perspective

[Thistledew]

DP and I have just got engaged (Yay!), but the response from my DM has be distinctly underwhelming. I am not quite sure what I am asking in this post, so apologies if I ramble a bit. I suppose I could just do with some advice/views to help my understand my DM's response.

DP and I have been together for over four years, and we bought a house together nearly two years ago, so engagement/marriage has been on the cards for a while. He is a very good man: kind, honest, hardworking, generous with his time and attention to others, is very much a homemaker and will be a brilliant dad. We are quite different in some ways - I am far more political than he is, and am passionate about my demanding career, whereas he is much more of a work-to-live person, and his life outside work is more important to him. However, we are very alike in terms of our views on politics generally, religion, how to raise children etc, and we have several overlaps in terms of how we like to spend our free-time. Being with DP makes me feel very happy, strong, and confident, and I know that I am making the right decision by marrying him (yes, I do love him lots too, but am very much a head over heart type so hence putting this as an add-on!).

Despite this, my DM has said that she does not like DP. She says that she doesn't dislike him, but that she can't find any common ground with him, and that she finds him difficult to talk to. She is perfectly polite and welcoming to him even when he has visited my parents without me being there, and she always tries to buy him something he will really like for birthdays and Christmas.

I know really that I should let it go, that I can't force her to like him, and that I should be content that she is nice to him despite not getting on with him, but it does bother me, and I can't work out why or what I should do about it.

I think one reason that I am bothered by it is that my previous long-term relationship was awful. ExP was physically, emotionally, sexually and financially abusive towards me for the whole 6 years we were together. I did not tell DM about this at the time, but have told her some of it after we split. DM liked ExP. Despite the fact that the majority of stuff that came out of his mouth was complete BS nonsense, and that his understanding of and interest in current affairs was pretty non-existent, she could apparently talk to him. She used to say that he was "good for me" (No, mother, he made me damn miserable). It was despite him, not because of him, that I turned from a very shy teenager who found it difficult to talk to different people, into a gregarious adult.

I don't blame DM for not picking up on how unhappy I was when I was with ExP, as I never told her, but I think that is part of the problem. When I was a young teenager living at home, relationships with boys were 'disapproved of', as DM wanted me to concentrate on my studies and my sport. As a result, my first relationship of any description was not until I was 19 and had left home. I think that this has been a large reason why DM and I don't have a script, or language to talk about relationships.

One other thing that is nagging at me is DM's reaction when I first told her I was in a relationship with DP. She was initially interested, but when I told her who DP was, she seemed to be immediately negative. She had met DP once ten years previously. We knew each other from when we were teenagers, and DM had given DP a lift in our car for about 20 minutes. I brushed her reaction off at the time, but wonder if it has led her to view him in a negative light from the start.

I think that part of my unease about DM's reaction is that I am still lacking in a bit of trust in myself to pick a good partner, after my disastrous judgment with ExP, and it makes me a bit uncomfortable that DM would obviously prefer it if I had not decided to marry DP.

As I said, I don't really know what I am asking here. I am sorry to have written such an essay and thank you if you have read this far! I suppose that any suggestions as to how I might talk to DM about this, or how I can move on and not let it bother me, would be gratefully received.

And before anyone asks - my Dad has been much more congratulatory, but he comes from an age and background in which men did not talk about their feelings, so although I can talk to him about almost literally any subject under the sun to do with politics, history, philosophy etc, I don't think I have ever had a successful conversation with him about feelings. I love him to bits, but he is just not that sort of dad!

I think you need to accept that she will not like him ever. My DH is all you described and we been together almost 18 years but still now they do not have a "proper conversation" no idea why. I guess you have to move on and if you happy that is the main thing. It is your life so just go for it and congratulations I know that helpful as to how you move on but trust me you will as your life goers on learn to agree to disagree with a lot your Mum will have to say. I guess that as your ex was a "charmer" he could manipulate your Mum into conversations and make it all sound good, however I am guessing your fiance is a down to earth geezer who pulls no punches and may come across as not so "charming". You could talk to her but you are an adult now starting a new life so embrace it and good luck

Congratulations!

Do you think your Mum might see your DP as the 'weaker' partner, and feel that you need a 'stronger' partner - bit of an old-fashioned view I know, but I think that it was a concern of my parents when DH and I got together many moons ago. Obviously a very old-fashioned view now, but if your parents have your best interests at heart, I'm sure your Mum will come round in time.

My DH was never very gushing, but over the years he has proven time and time again that he would do anything for me or my parents, and they came to love him dearly.

I share you sadness as your engagement not being greeted with joy all around, as I felt that too. But it's the substance that really counts, and that will prove itself in time.

I can relate to where you are - and it's good to know i;m not the only one. My DP is lovely to me and his a good step dad to my son. My mum and Dad just haven't taken to him (for different reasons). like imnotmymum said he's not as charming as my ex was (he cheated on me) but he's a good man. It's been hard - but I have had to accept that its their problem and there's nothing I can do about it - except be happy with the man I chose. x

Abusive men often have a way of sweet-talking and charming those people who are outside of the relationship. It's a part of their strategy. How often on here do you read of women doubting themselves because everybody else seems to think their abusive dp/dh is wonderful?

Meanwhile your nice dp is happy just to be himself and doesn't pretend to be something he's not.

Does your mum have a tendency to make snap judgements about people and then refuse to change her mind, whether bad or good?

imnotmymum - you are right about having to learn to disagree with things that DM says. I respect her views about many things, but when it comes to relationships, I'm often not sure that she has the wisest perspective. I know that her parents had a pretty toxic relationship, and her own relationship with my dad has not always been particularly happy, although they have now been married for nearly 40 years.

ajandjjmum - thanks - I don't know about the stronger/weaker partner thing. I think that DM always envisaged me being with someone far more like myself in terms of career ambitions, but I think that it would be fairly disastrous for me to try to live with someone like me! I suppose I might be feeling that DM does not properly trust my judgment with regards to who I have chosen to spend my life with, but she hasn't come out and said so, but is rather passive aggressively 'deciding' not to like DP, as she thinks I should have chosen someone more ambitious.

coppertop - she can be quite judgmental. She is a lovely, kind person, but increasingly I think over the last few years (or maybe I am just noticing it more) is quite critical of almost everyone and everything, even people/things she actually likes! I sometimes think that she is only happy if she can find something to be negative about.

Congratulations! I think over time your Mum might come round to liking him. Once you have children she and your DH (as he will be by then) will have the most wonderful thing in common and will find things to talk about and hopefully she'll start liking him without realizing it at first!

thistledew As others have said I think only time will tell in this situation where your relationship will prov to her that it is the best one for you.

The one thing I would advise is ask her to stop talking about your ex that is the past and your dp is the future now.

Congratulations!

If you were in an abusive relationship, and more pertinently your DM liked him, you need to understand that perhaps she is not only cut from similar cloth, but has by bringing you up, groomed you to be vulnerable to an abuser.

Most of us that have been in abusive relationships come from dysfunctional backgrounds. You are perhaps now beginning to see that on some level your mother is NOT happy when she knows YOU ARE.

I found this out about my family this last year, they have some kind of vested interest in me being kept down, oppressed and miserable. They seemingly resent my happiness/success. I'm distancing myself from them over time.

She is choosing to voice her vile opinions rather than keep them to herself as a normal person would. This has the effect of undermining YOUR self confidence, and to an extent the happiness in your relationship.

Step back, watch her, she is NOT the friend you think she is. Don't expect her to come round and make sure that her opinion of the man you love means NOTHING.

I know that sounds harsh, and I hope I am way off beam, but if you expect her to 'come through' you may very well be seriously disappointed. ((((hugs))))

Hissy - I do recognise that DM is, and through my childhood has been, quite controlling, and that she very effectively managed to use her disappointment and disapproval as a means of exerting control. I know also that she got this, and much worse, from her own childhood, which by all accounts was pretty traumatic. I also know that although she has not been perfect, she has worked really hard to try to overcome her own upbringing and not to continue it down to me. I think that if she was not trying to do so, she would not be so welcoming and friendly to DP. She has explicitly said that although she finds that she has nothing in common with DP, she knows that he has my happiness at heart and is pleased that I have found someone who does.

She has also given me and DP a not insubstantial amount of money towards the wedding, completely unasked. Which in her funny little way I know is a sign of support.

I think a lot of this is that as my mother's only child I have always felt quite a bit of pressure to make her happy. I also care about her a lot and want her to be happy. So it is upsetting for me that I am choosing to do something with which she does not appear to be completely happy.

I knew before I had read it what your mother thought of your ex partner and unsurprisingly she liked this abusive individual.

What do you know about her own childhood and background?. Chances are that she herself came from an abusive background as well.

This comment of yours about her is certainly telling:-
"I'm often not sure that she has the wisest perspective. I know that her parents had a pretty toxic relationship, and her own relationship with my dad has not always been particularly happy, although they have now been married for nearly 40 years".

Forty years unhappily married no doubt but they are still together because they both get what they want out of it. Your Dad also sounds like her enabler; he has probably acted out of self preservation and want of a quiet life.

Your mother is not the nice person nor friend whom you believe her to be.

She will not change, you can only change how you react to her. I would have as little contact with her as humanely possible.

I have to say I immediately thought the same thing as Hissy. It's not uncommon for a parent from an abusive background to encourage their children to stay with an abusive man and to dislike their non-abusive partner. I have no idea why this is - it could be jealousy, or the tendency to be attracted to abusive people due to their background. Whatever it is, it isn't healthy and you must try not to be influenced by it.

However I totally disagree with Attila. I think it's a very positive thing that despite her misgivings your mother has made a real effort to be kind to your DP and has supported your wedding in her own way by providing money. I wouldn't think it's necessary to cut contact with her, but I do think it's important to try to distance yourself from her attitudes as her negativity could put a strain on your relationship long term if she causes you to unfairly doubt your DP.

Is your DP aware that she's not keen on him?

CalinDana - thanks. I do not want to cut or limit contact with her, as regarding just about everything else she is and has been hugely supportive and loving. Since I split with ExP (and no longer had him trying to keep me apart from friends and family, DM and I have become much more close than we had been since I was a child. I enjoy spending time with her or speaking on the phone once a week, so this is part of the reason that her reaction to DP makes me feel unhappy.

DP is aware that she says she finds it difficult to talk to him. We have generally discussed that this might be somewhat to do with communication styles - he does have a bit of a tendency to overload with details, whereas DM likes to come straight to the point. I haven't properly discussed it with him - maybe I should? He is great to my parents- for example, recently driving and hour and a half out of his way to deliver them some logs, and doing other stuff around the house that they can't do without any hesitation or complaint.

If you are a typical 'people-pleaser' - and I stand up to be counted there - then you not only want your parents to be proud of you (same as everyone else), but you want to make them happy too.

Thistle - it's not your job to make your mum happy. It's never the job of any child to do that.

Your Mum isn't going to change. I don't think you need to 'understand' her. I think that maybe you just need to let go of something here.

Your Mum's opinion isn't important - she hasn't even had a happy marriage herself and she can't recognise an abuser when he's trying to ruin her only child's life. The fact that she doesn't warm to your dp is probably the biggest indication that he's a decent bloke and you're going to be really happy together.

Congratulations by the way.

I don't really know how I feel about the fact that she didn't do anything to discourage my abusive relationship. As I said, I didn't tell her (or anyone for that matter) about the abuse whilst I was in the relationship. I feel sad that at the time we did not have the sort of relationship where we would talk about my relationship as a matter of course, and this has improved since then. However, there is a small part of me that feels some upset that she didn't recognise that I was actually pretty unhappy, even though I was not really admitting it to myself, let alone to her.

Yes I think you should talk to him as he might pick up on her feelings and feel a bit hurt or pushed out. The danger is that over time your mother will start to become more vocal about her disapproval and cause arguments between you and your DP. The main thing is that you firmly state to both of them that DP is your priority and that if your DM has a problem, that's her issue and she won't be entertained. You need to ensure that you stand up for your DP first and foremost and don't let your DM cause a rift between you.

It could be that she just doesn't gel with him. It happens. The main thing is that she realises that and doesn't make you feel bad about it.

Your DP sounds like a diamond by the way, it's great that you found him, particularly after your abusive shit of an ex.

Sorry x-post. I think you're right to feel upset that she didn't recognise how much you were struggling. A caring connecting mother will notice when their child is not happy and will at least ask if something is going on. Yet, your mother claimed to really like your ex and didn't recognise any sign of abuse, which says a lot about her skills at spotting a bad'un.

Triffid - I think you have a point regarding the difference between making your parents proud, and making them happy. I know that DM is proud of me - she recently had some therapy for another matter, but one result of it was that she realised that she should be more expressive and tell me that she is proud of what I have achieved in my career and who I am as a person. This does mean a lot to me, and I have to hold on to this and set aside the fact that this one thing that does not make her happy.

There has been a contrast between DM's reaction, and the reaction of DMIL(to be), who was over the moon with happiness and pride when we announced we were engaged. Although I suppose again that there is a contrast between how they both view the whole thing of 'getting married'. DM was a proper 60s/70s feminist who has instilled in me the importance of being an independent woman, and not seeing 'getting married' as an end in itself.

If she is giving you a lot of money towards the wedding, beware any strings as to how it is going to be.

I'm aware my mother is throwing money at me too atm, because I'm pretty sure she may suspect our relationship is nearing the end. I'm fully expecting the money to be used as a thing to chuck at me.

Have you had counselling following the abusive relationship? I think it would really help to go through therapy to discuss the reaction of your mother and the relationship with your father.

Remember that an abusive relationship can be spotted fairly easily at times, even if you didn't tell her, there is a possibility she knew.

Her continued talking about your ExH, now KNOWING what he was is very telling. Think about it, if anyone hurt my child, I'd not be harping on about how GOOD he/she was for them!

Open your eyes love, I'm sorry, but she sounds dysfunctional as a parent and I worry that, as CailinDana says, she will chip away at your happiness if not strongly communicated with.

The money could even be a smoke screen 'Look of course I approve, I'm paying for it aren't i?' while verbally sniping at an almost imperceptible level.

"It's not uncommon for a parent from an abusive background to encourage their children to stay with an abusive man and to dislike their non-abusive partner. I have no idea why this is - it could be jealousy, or the tendency to be attracted to abusive people due to their background."

Good post CailinDana

Oh and if ANYONE has any further insight as to this one, I will LOVE you forever, as you'll be saving me a FORTUNE in therapy!

My mother was lukewarm when I announced (aged 38) that I was PG with my first (and only) REALLY hurt me to see her piss poor reaction.

she actually said that she "didn't want to be a grandmother" She was 60-odd. When did she think she would be?

Why am I not entitled to be a mother?

She wanted to be called after my GM on my Dad's side. No way I would have done that, my Nan was AWESOME, so we made up a name, that means nothing tbh.

She dotes on my son now, but tbh, horse, stable door, bolted. When she has moved away I'll not be visiting her.

Hissy - she doesn't talk about ExP any more- since I told her about his behaviour towards me. She has never suggested we were wrong to separate.

I don't think the money will come with any strings attached. She helped us out with some of the expenses when DP and I bought the house together, and that has not come with any conditions or obligations.

I have done some reading on the Stately Homes threads and some of the material linked to, but although I recognise that DM has her faults, I really do not recognise her to be toxic in the way that other people have described their parents. I feel that I would miss her hugely if I were to limit contact, and that I do get an enormous amount out of our relationship, which is why I would like to iron out this one issue, if I can.

You can't make her like your DP, unfortunately, so all you can do is accept that she doesn't like him and hope that over time her opinion will improve.