Toxic Siblings

[chipsandmushypeas]

I was reading another thread and realised there is a lot of talk about toxic parents but not really siblings, when I'm sure its very common.

I feel trapped and bullied by my sibling, it causes me great anxiety and stress. I am 12 weeks pregnant and the sibling has turned the weird resentments and bullying messages up full whack leading me to have a panic attack.
Apparently I didn't take their feelings into consideration when getting pregnant and didn't think about how it would affect them (they have a lovely dh, dcs and house).

I feel trapped because we work together sometimes and there really isn't a way out. The bullying and intimidation got worse when we work together so I changed shifts, but I'm still anxious they will turn up.

I feel like I'm in hiding from them, constantly worrying about if they're going to send more nasty texts. I'm really worried all this stress and anxiety has affected my baby, my scan is this week and I'm worried.

Just needed to get it off my chest.

The only way to tackle bullies is to stand up to them and tell them to back off. Hiding and avoiding them is what leads to anxiety. Confrontation, although immediately stressful, puts you in the driving seat. Do you have a partner that can help you get this person off your back? If you work together do you have a supervisor/manager that you can make a complaint to? Standing up for yourself now is defending your unborn child. Maybe do it for them?

Your baby will be fine, please try to relax love.

Do you have a line manager to report this to? Could you show them the texts?
What kind of things do the texts say?

Ultimately you could get signed off due to stress, and I'm thinking that if you say this to the boss and your relative doesn't stop, and carries on bullying you, you could get her disciplined.

Ultimately you could contact the police on 101 and ask for advice.

Are your parents still alive? can you ask THEM for support?

You could change your mobile number too.

Don't think you are powerless, because you are not. She has you believing this, but she is full of it.

Thanks for replying.

I have stood up for myself after this last tirade of abusive messages, for my baby. I said I won't put up with it anymore and I don't wish to see them anymore.
I was actually very angry that this person subjected me to so much stress and nastiness knowing I'm pregnant (no excuse to ever bully but this confirmed the sheer selfishness). This led sibling to latch onto mother (they are golden pfb).

There aren't any managers, we are at the top, hence why I feel so trapped :(

Chips I am that other thread too and I am so sorry this is happening for you and your baby.
You know that your biggest responsibility now is to yourself and to hell with bullying siblings. I dont agree about seeking parents to intervene- especially if they are the 'golden child'. Could you deal with parents getting involved on their side? NO
If possible, now that you recognise the problem, detach and put as much (head/emotional/physical) space as possible between you and them.

Hi porridge thank you :) didn't want to hijack the other thread but also not in a good position to give advice :(

My mother knows how I feel, has told me to not reply, and has told her to stop. She agrees she has a nasty side and it really upsets her. It's like everyone is scared of her. She has physically attacked me before, which I've always been angry and upset about.

It's strange, sometimes she's nice and good company, but it's always in the back of my mind she has this side to her if you say something she doesn't like or you don't pander enough.

She is 12 years older than me, that might explain her thinking she can bully me

Even though she is much older, she is the immature one, she will never apologise if nasty, I will always be the one to make amends. This time I'm done.

a poster on another thread here said something that I am pondering on this morning- basically that the niceness is a front that drops when they dont need it and their true nature of nastiness comes through.
A truely nice person makes mistakes (dont we all), loses their temper, gets it all wrong but they recognise it and try to make amends. Apologise at least.

Doesnt sound like your sister is that.

In your shoes I would be looking for another job. The more distance you can put between you and this bully, the better.

Pmd you Cogito

porridge yes, I agree. I don't think she's nice. She resents everyone if anything good happens to them. She resent me for having a amazing father, going on holidays etc - not even big things.

Having read the PM, asserting yourself is really the only way forward. If you haven't already done so, involve a solicitor to draw up documents of ownership to make sure you don't lose out financially should things break down irretrievably.

Good idea, thanks cogito

My DP and father have said I really should let it wash over me, not let things she says/writes get to me. How can I do this?

To an extent you have to pick your battles but, if you are being regularly and deliberately bullied, everything is part of the same battle. You have to stand up and say 'enough'. Tell your DP and your father that stones that get 'washed over' too often end up being ground down....

Should have said... And also tell them they are spineless and useless while you're at it. If this is the default setting in your family ie. shut up about the ill treatment dished out by your sister, then it needs to be corrected.

I'd intertpret that as 'you are not entitled to fell the way you are feeling'
Bollocks to that- you are upset, you have every right to feel that way, this is not a new issue from what you've said.
Stand up for yourself and expect their support, not subtly supporting her- that's how she gets away with it.
A bully wont be happy with you letting it wash over you....they will chase or intensify til they get the reaction they need.
DP and DF need to let her know that you have their support.

My DP just says he doesn't want to get involved, he always listens and comforts me but you're right. I feel like I'm being ground down, I feel like no one has my back in this as my mothers in the middle, but they are so close. I just don't know what to do, I was bullied terribly as a child and it seems I will spend the rest of my adult life the same.

At work she's abusive, even in front of customers, she's called me names in front of staff and public but says I pushed her - I asked for her help as it was busy :/

DP needs to man up and protect the mother of his unborn child.
I understand the feeling of not having someone to get your back...you are entitled to ask for that support; and your DP can have loyalty to no-one else in the family.

You dont have to spend the rest of your life like this- in childhood you had no choice. You were powerless and taken advantage of.
If she behaves like that at work- thats completely unacceptable and you can treat her as any other work colleague.

She's going to sink your business if she keeps that up. Can you buy her out?

She won't want to go, plus I'm going to be on maternity leave in Oct/nov. She very controlling and obsessive about work, thinks she owns everything and treats me like an employee.
She actually said she had "bent over backwards" to help me when I had severe ms (I found cover myself and it didn't impact on her whatsoever).

porridge I agree to an extent, I dont want him more stressed by my family, he already has a hard job and works really hard to support me and baby. I agree, I'm going to treat her like a colleague from now on, not a sibling.

I've said no more contact to my mobile, email me if there's a problem, to which I received snotty emails.

Can you get her out of the business? once you are back from mat leave of course, or sooner if you can find cover?

You need to stop listening to your parents and your DP, they are pathetic IMHO. I'd flip my ffing lid if someone was doing this to my child or partner. You need to seriously BOOT some arse and DEMAND that this behaviour is no longer tolerated.

Go to the CAB, take copies of the emails, and texts and ask for advice.

Bugger her in all ways, send her a solicitors letter that if she is not able to communicate with you in a civil manner that you will instruct solicitors to sue her for anything you can make stick. Harassment, sexual discrimination (you're PG) or anything else the blokes in wigs can hang on her.

STOP rolling over and taking this, you don't need to let this happen.

Start preparing yourself from now, you will need to unseat her from the business, you will have to cut her from your life and ANYONE else who doesn't take your side in a proactive and helpful way.

Thank you Happy I will take your advice.

I have sent my mother a long email telling her how I feel and how she has not stood up for me and that I wish to not have my sibling in my life anymore. Hopefully she will take it seriously.

She's messaged back saying I need to stop blowing things out of proportion, which she always says. Can't be bothered anymore

instead of buying your sister out of the business, why don't you sell to her?

You can't expect your mother to see clearly here, no matter how obvious the situation is. You are both still her "babies", and she (hopefully) loves you both equally much.

Plus, because you are both adults, living outside the home, it is not really your mother's problem is it!? The problem is between you and your sister (been there myself, don't speak to my sister myself) and you need to sort it between yourselves.