Toxic Siblings

[chipsandmushypeas]

I was reading another thread and realised there is a lot of talk about toxic parents but not really siblings, when I'm sure its very common.

I feel trapped and bullied by my sibling, it causes me great anxiety and stress. I am 12 weeks pregnant and the sibling has turned the weird resentments and bullying messages up full whack leading me to have a panic attack.
Apparently I didn't take their feelings into consideration when getting pregnant and didn't think about how it would affect them (they have a lovely dh, dcs and house).

I feel trapped because we work together sometimes and there really isn't a way out. The bullying and intimidation got worse when we work together so I changed shifts, but I'm still anxious they will turn up.

I feel like I'm in hiding from them, constantly worrying about if they're going to send more nasty texts. I'm really worried all this stress and anxiety has affected my baby, my scan is this week and I'm worried.

Just needed to get it off my chest.

Why on earth do you work with her? Is it a family business? I think I would just have to leave and find another job. If you were not planning on going back after maternity leave then you don't have to put up with it for too much longer.

To be honest I don't think there is any point in expecting your mother to 'stick up for you' - that just makes you sound a bit needy and childish and as though you expect her to choose or take sides. and if your sister is the favoured one then that is only going to fall falt for you anyway.

I think you just need to distance yourselfe from her quietly and in a dignified way. There doesn't need to be a massive controntation or a blow-up - just do not choose to spend any more time with her ever again.

Swap your shifts to avoid seeing her, take time off sick if necessary, and then after the baby just find another job. It's just not worth living like this.

You're both right, I can't live like this. My mum is involved with work too, hence her involvement.

Plus, I messaged her because she keeps telling me to move on and forget about it

Does the business belong to you, your sister and your mother? or is someone else involved?
When you are all at work you have to treat eachother as colleagues, not family, even if it is a family business.

Except she treats me as a stupid little sister, constantly dresses me down in front of staff, public, calls me names etc. She is the unprofessional one.

Can you afford to just walk away? If you own a percentage of the business can you demand that they buy you out? I wouldn't even bother getting bogged down in arguments about why, who says what to who, etc. I'd just call a meeting and say very calmly that you want out as soon as possible. Don't justify, or explain - just tell them. I can't see you having much chance of buying her out - I doubt she'd agree to that, or your mother either.

Besides which, i think even if you did do that you would still ahve to work with your mother and hear her going on about how you should make an effort to get on with your sister etc. You just need a clean break and some time away from all of them.

Don't let her treat you that way. Don't ask questions like "Why are talking to me in that tone" tell her "don't talk to me in that tone".

Even if it means you do it in front of other people.

I wish I had at the time more I just had respect for my elder sibling but not anymore, she lost it

I agree, get them to buy you out, and walk away.

Don't let her treat you that way. Don't ask questions like "Why are talking to me in that tone" tell her "don't talk to me in that tone

Yes, you need to practice some sharp responses. By that I mean imagine some scenarios and how you will respond forcefully and angrily. Snap her head off. Because when someone belittles you or is rude you feel shocked and your brain sort of freezes and you can't think of a good retort until that's passed. So you must practice what you will say so that you are ready for her the next time.

Can you walk out when she is rude to you? Would that leave her facing the customer and looking stupid?

There is a book by Harriet Lerner called the Dance of Anger which might provide some help.

Or you could try the Mumsnet Special (in front of clients and other colleagues) 'Did you mean to sound so rude and aggressive then?'

Oh chips, I feel for you because she sounds exactly like my sister. All the advice you received was well meant but if she really is like my sister then not a single bit of it will work.

The only way I can deal with my sister is by never ever talking to her. She doesn't have a single reasonable brain cell in her head. She is utterly convinced that every other person in the entire world is in the wrong and she is always right. Everyone is "inconsiderate" while she "bends over backwards." The world revolves around her, and she will jump down your throat for things you didn't even know about. When I was pregnant with my DS she never once asked me how I was. The only time she ever texted me was to have a go at me about something that had absolutely nothing to do with her. Because I was pregnant and hormonal I got sucked back in until DH reminded me that I might as well be texted a chatbot who was programmed to annoy me - nothing I could say would ever be good enough, she would always be right and anything I said would be taken as further evidence of how "inconsiderate" I was.

It is such a shame that you might have to give up your business because of her, but unfortunately I think that's the only way to deal with her long term. There will never be a day where she will suddenly become kind and reasonable and you have to ask yourself if being around her is worth it.

She's horribly jealous of you and that will never change (I wonder if, for some reason, you get some resentment of that kind too from your mum & that is why you don't get enough support from her?). Either way, she won't change and you would be right to cut the sister out of your life permanently. Bullying you a) at work b) when you've had MS and c) while you are pregnant and d) then your mum tells you to stop overreacting...means that you are putting up with way too much crap!!

Forget trying to explain yourself to anyone in your family - tell them you have put up with way too much BS, you couldn't give a sh&t if they think you are overreacting as you are pregnant and don't need this crap, you are leaving the business, then go down the correct legal route to make sure you leave with what you are entitled to (actually get the legal part sorted first).

Really be assertive and don't feel you EVER have to put up with this again. Don't bring your baby into this cycle of negativity - leave now and your baby grows up in a much more positive environment with a mother who is far more relaxed and happy. It doesn't matter, in a sense, who does or doesn't support you / believe you are overreacting, etc, as long as you, 100%, believe in yourself that you deserve support and to be treated well and it sounds like right now you need your mums validation ('am I overreacting?') when the only validation you need is that you feel like crap and enough is enough.

You sound lovely btw and I am sure you will make a success of a new business / career away from your hideous sister. You only have one life and I am sure this can be a great new chapter

Btw I also second everything CallinDala said