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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Caught sister, brother and sisters boyfriend bitching about me (FB is evil)

82 replies

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 09:03

bit of backstory, I didnt meet my sister and brother until I was 16. he is thoroughly unpleasant and we disagree on pretty much anything. he is a bully, a misogynist and a thug, who spouts shite thinking that he is being "real" when actually he is being a twat.

Ive posted about my sister before, she is very selfish and self-absorbed. one of those people around whom the world turns. she is also The First Woman To Ever Get Pregnant?. I have supported her through some pretty shit times and have never asked for anything back, even when I have been struggling myself.

Her boyfriend, well, I dont know. they have been dating for just over a year and are having a baby. I have met him twice, but he seemed ok.

a few months back DB and I had a falling out, I posted something about the we believe you case on FB and he decided to hijack the thread with all sorts of rape myths and misogyny. I got very upset (as a survivor myself, the realisation that in addition to childhood abuse I was actually raped as a teenager and hadnt been "a silly girl" was very fresh) and (based on his own posts, and previous arguments, including women are inferior to men, send all the nasty forriners back, people on benefits are scum) decided to delete him. no fuss, I didnt tell anyone, I thought it would save a huge row.

fastforward to this weekend, DH is still "friends" with him, and his page was open. on the newsfeed I saw my name on DB's status. the gist was that he, my sis and her boyfriend were laughing at me and my "preciousness" I am oversensitive and a silly, bored housewife. I had sent sis's boyfriend a friend request (mainly to be nice, he is the father of my future nephew) and he was laughing with DB about it saying that he couldnt decide whether to accept, so will just leave me in limbo.

i was pretty hurt. and sent sis a text saying " Hi, this is awkward but DH has shown me what was said on DB's fb page. I haven't told you what happened between us, its not fair to involve you and I didn't want to make things awkward. But after reading, its ok. Tell boyfriend that I've taken back my friend request. No need to feel awkward, or worry about accepting etc. But in future probably best to make sure that the husband of the person you are slating can't see it."

I havent received a reply. about an hour after I sent it DB posted "life is so funny sometimes, hahaha" and boyfriend "liked" it (she and he were staying up there for the weekend, and they all went out together) so, I may be being paranoid, but it seems that it was aimed at me. I'm hurt though. I put so much effort into helping her when her ex dumped her 6 moths after proposing, I was on call day and night. Ive spent days comforting her, including when she had her mc. I was even nice when she was upset about TTC taking so long (2 months) and I feel like a prize mug now.

what should I do?
and sorry for the essay, didnt want to dripfeed.

OP posts:
porridgelover · 11/06/2012 10:39

Oracle- I'm glad you didnt send that text and that you have kept your dignity. Best not to get involved- the 'only joking' text is to put you in the wrong that 'you couldnt take a joke'. But as Pagwatch says, the niceness is a front that crumbles when push comes to shove.
You sound sensible and lovely; have they given you any reason to keep investing your energy in being a lovely sister to them?

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 10:52

porridge, no not really. when I had my EP and nearly died from post-op complications, neither visited me. when DH and I were having problems, she was too busy to listen to me. when I was depressed, struggling with anorexia and suicidal she was dismissive at best.

Ive always known she was selfish and self-absorbed,we have always jokingly called her princess. but after getting an arsey message back and not an apologetic "I'm so sorry, we were messing around, I can see why you would be hurt" one (apparently "the slating comment was unfair, because I dont understand his sense of humour") I'm done.

FuckEm.

OP posts:
porridgelover · 11/06/2012 10:56

YY to f**kem. No return on your investment there then. You have gone through the very issues that 'family' should be there for. That was their chance.

If it was money in the bank and you were getting that level of return you would be looking elsewhere. T'is similiar.

PooPooInMyToes · 11/06/2012 11:51

They sound like arseholes!

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 12:07

They are arseholes, and its typical bullying behaviour. This is a woman who didn't speak to our dad for 2 years because when she went round there upset one day he dealt with the inland revenue (who had shown up demanding £00000's at the same time) first, and took a call from auntie saying that cousin's ds was in hospital, having been abused by cousin and her dp. She should have taken priority.

Yet, I'm being unfair. Twat. We have a family wedding to attend in august, I shall be civil and adult. I'm not the one in the wrong. And at least I know now what they think of me.

OP posts:
GitAwfMayLend · 11/06/2012 12:13

Aww Oracle. I can understand why you are upset. Understandable, completely.

I would listen to lovely pag, she has got it in a nutshell. These people are a waste of your emotional energy. Ratbags.

marygoround · 11/06/2012 15:10

Some people are just nasty and have no class. I had my jeremey kyle cousins slagging my lovely dad off on facebook - they were deleted and blocked.

Oracle - your sister sounds painfully jealous of you. When her twatty bf inevitably dumps her be "too busy" to take calls.

IvanaNap · 11/06/2012 15:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 15:40

she is 31, DB is 29 and no idea about the boyfriend. Ive decided to not text back or contact in future. no doubt she will bitch about me to the rest of our family/all and sundry, but I dont care. most people would be mortified and apologetic, and tbh, an apology would have made me think "ok, its worth giving our relationship another shot" but I dont have to be a part of her life if I dont want to.

OP posts:
NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 15:48

You did without them until you were 16. You have no shared childhood memories, just DNA. Your brother in particular sounds like the kind of person you would never choose to spend time with. It's ok not to. Shared genes does not = liking a person.

What positive things do you get from having him in your life?

EchoBitch · 11/06/2012 15:48

DP 'chucked' his parents and we haven't seen them for about 11 years now.

They upset him every time there was any contact and were arseholes about the DC,for example when DD was born FoL said 'what will you say when people call her a bastard?

(We aren't married)

We are in touchish with one Sol but not the other who lives in Australia and is a bit of a cunt.

Life is so much nicer not having to think about them.

Maryz · 11/06/2012 15:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 11/06/2012 15:56

I don't get all this blood is thicker than water stuff - you managed for the first 16 years of your life without them, and you clearly don't seem to like them much or have anything in common with them. So why are you doing this to yourself?

Block your brother and forget about him. There is no law that says that just because you've met these people who sahre your genes you must contrive to have a relationship. Keep in contact with the sister if you really must, but I can't see why you would want to, really. She sounds like a bit of a user. Keep the contact casual and sporadic and do not get drawn into silly pointless arguments with any of them. Most people can't shake off really annoying family they've known their whole lives - you seem to be inviting these people to enter your life and then ruin it!

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 15:56

narked, none whatsoever. since deleting him, I have found FB far more enjoyable. he is one of those twerps who thinks he is a great intellectual, but is actually a neanderthal.

Echobitch, thats dreadful! why are these people so horrible? I really dont get it. I am a people pleaser, I know that. but I would rather be that than a cunt.

maryz, there is that. and thats a BIG bonus. you know Its So Hard For Her! dont you?

OP posts:
OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 15:58

hilly, I suppose I just wanted to know them. I spent years trying to find my dad and had a pretty shitty childhood, so I really wanted to have a normal family.

I've since realised that theres no such thing.

OP posts:
Maryz · 11/06/2012 15:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NarkedRaspberry · 11/06/2012 16:01

There really isn't. The only one we have any control over is the one we make with our DCs and DH/Ps.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 11/06/2012 16:38

I understand that Oracle but you cannot mould them into nice people because you need it - they clearly not giving a stuff about your feelings and they do not deserve you. Smile You have done all the giving and they are just taking and sapping you emotionally.

There is no fairytale ending to be had here I am afraid. Your 'family' is an artificial construct; a pipe dream. Make your 'family' all about the people who know and love and respect you, whether they are related by blood or not.

I have a half brother I barely know, had very sporadic contact with throughout my early life, and I had not seen him since he was a young teenager - until my father's funeral a couple of years ago. We had lunch and dinner a couple of times after our Dad died, we met one another's spouses and kids, we swapped stories about how utterly useless our father was, how both our childhoods had been ever so slightly dysfunctional in spite of growing up separately, and then we went our separate ways.

There was no ill feeling, no awkwardness, just an unspoken acknowledgement that we didn't really know one another, had no real burning need to know one another, and it probably wouldn't be the big reconciliation of the century.

WE put lots of ghosts to bed, and we moved on. Perfect. Actually, I could have him in my life on a permanent basis because he was really ok, but there are other family members I'd rather set fire to my own hair than have to spend lots of time with just because they are my flesh and blood.

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 16:52

I know, but at least I can say that I tried.

I won't anymore, but I gave it a go.

OP posts:
OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 16:52

I know, but at least I can say that I tried.

I won't anymore, but I gave it a go.

OP posts:
HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 11/06/2012 16:55

Smile It's their loss by the sounds of things.

HerMajestyQueenHillyzabethII · 11/06/2012 17:00

Hahaha! Only just reading the thread now. Pag is spot on. Your brother is a cock. Sadly your sister is also a cock. Grin

What more is there to say?! Grin

OracleInACoracle · 11/06/2012 17:02

Grin not a lot!

OP posts:
IvanaNap · 11/06/2012 18:57

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn as this poster has privacy concerns.

EarnestDullard · 11/06/2012 19:03

Agree with the thread consensus that they sounds like shits, and you're lovely. I'd be upset too, in your situation. But they're not worth your time and angst.