can i say something without there being any rows?

[BeingBooyhoo]

is what my mum said to me.

i said i didn't know what she was going to say so couldn't guarantee i wouldn't be upset (i could tell she was building up to something i wasn't going to like) but that i had no intention of rowing, however that her idea of a row and mine were differennt things (she considers me defending myself as me being cheeky and answering her back, )

she repeated, "well can i just say something, and i dont want any rows?"

i said, "are you sure you want to say it if you think it might create a row"

she said "oh yes. i'm going to say it anyway, i just dont want a row with you as i know what you're like, you've just proved it to me" as all so far has been said in low tones.

so i said "well then say whatever you want to say, if you are going to anyway. i cant promise i wont be upset"

her "no i want you to promise not to be upset"

me "i dont know how i'm going to feel, but clearly it's something you think will upset me so it sounds like i might be upset. just say it"

so she did and i just nodded and stayed silent and she kept on talking, repeating what she had already said and waiting for me to respond (react?)

i feel i had no choice whatsoever in whether that conversation happened, and whats more i feel like she wanted me to react to prove herself right.

it's the same everytime she wants to have a go at me about something. sometimes her points are valid sometimes they are just a clash of opinions on how i should raise my children. but it's always teh same "can i jsut say something without their being a row" meaning i'm going to talk at you and you dont have a right to defend yourself or respond. i dont even know why i'm typing. just to vent possibly. i know no amount of talking to her rationally will convince her that it is possible to have a different opinion to hers and still be a valid human being.

for those who will no doubt ask, this most recent conversation was about how she thinks my house is 'not up to scratch'. it isn't. well not up to her scratch anyway. i have two small dcs including a toddler, 2 cats and a big hairy dog who gets wet and muddy most days. i expect to have a certain level of dirt and untidyness, i accept that i will have this level of dirt and untidyness for aslong as i have children and pets and only 24 hours in a day. she thinks it is unacceptable. i dont. clash of opinions, i will never convince her otherwise so i just nodded and stayed silent.

That is sooooo annoying.

You need some set answers.

'That is your opinion and you are entitled to it. Would you like a cup of tea?'

Or

'Yes we probably will row so how about I call you a nasty interfering hag right now to prove you are right and we don't bother discussing your issue? Would uou like a cup of tea?'

Am sure the awesome mumsnetters can give you 100s to use

that has made me smile. thank you. you know the next time she asks that question i will be busting to say "you nasty interefereing hag", dont you?

i think you did right by just letting her talk and not getting involved with what she's saying.

her opinion doesn't matter, and you don't agree with it, so who cares. let her say whatever she wants, if that makes her feel better. and then carry on your merry way.

maybe she feels that you jump into defending yourself instead of hearing her out. that's fair enough. maybe you just feel she's a bitch generally, so you don't like it when she criticizes you. that's also fair enough. either way, it's probably better just not to get embroiled in anything with her. (if you want peace that is.)

it is manipulative of her to try to get you to promise not to be upset. i can sort of understand it if you are actually someone who is overly touchy, BUT that's still an immature/silly way of her to try to address that.

The only answer to that question is "No, you can't. Keep your opinion to yourself please."

As long as you make it sound like 'Would you like a cup of tea?' with a smile that will be fantastic.

Or alternatively next time you see her say "Can I say something without there being any rows?" over and over until she agrees and then tell her you think her comments are hurtful and nasty and you would like them to stop.

See how she likes them apples.

Say "is it life or death? Otherwise it might not be worth the mutual stress.' And then make tea.

in fairness to her, i do get more upset than i should when she criticizes. it's no knews to anyone here that family dynamics are complex but i do feel myself being constantly on the defensive when i am here and try to avoid being with her as much as i can. i know how sad that sounds but it is teh only way i can cope with her. she refuses to egage with me like an adult and i find myself responding liek a teenager when i am around her so she does have a pint about their being a row in teh past whenever she has criticised. however, i'm never the only one rowing. i cant row with myself can i?

I like Cailin's idea. The apples one

ooh, sorry i was responding to oik. teh rest of you posted while i was typing.

cailin i liek the no you cant response. i feel she would ignore it though.

apologies for crap spelling.

knews = news

Or there's the good old "Feeling better now, dear?"

"i do get more upset than i should when she criticizes"

Unless my home was a health hazard I would expect her to butt out.
Why does she feel the need to criticise you?

It sounds to me like she knows what she is going to say will cause upset (as it is nasty) and she is absolving herself of any responsibility by placing the blame for the upset on your reaction, not her words.

What would she do if you said 'no, I don't want to hear it.

If it weren't for the fact that my mother's even worse at housework than me, Booy, your posts about your mum would make me think we're sisters!

If you think about it, she's basically asking you not to care about what she says. That's easy, I find Just reframe it as "I need to let out a splurge of ridiculous thoughts and advise you not to pay any notice." Then you can go "Okay Mum", wait until said splurge is over and make tea.

It appears that your mother uses criticism to try and control you - the clue there is the 'complex' family dynamics and the fact that your mother refuses to treat you like an adult. Hence the constant criticism and making you feel like you are still a teenager.

Another suggestion for a response to your mother saying "can i just say something, and i dont want any rows" is to respond with you as the subject of your response, so it doesn't seem like you are pointing the finger at her. So an appropriate response might be "No. I don't like being criticised in my own home, it doesn't make me feel like a competent adult, and I am quite capable of making my own decisions, thank you." Believe me, I am going to use a similar version on my own mother.

Good luck!

It's a long-winded version of the dreaded 'no offence but...' opening gambit. Always followed by something truly offensive, of course! I'd suggest the response is 'if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it'.

"I DONT WANT TO HEAR IT."
"No."
"Best not."
"Let's see if you can stop yourself, shall.we?"
"You say what you like, then I.will.say what I like. You may get a row."

repeat as necessary :) remember, "No." is a complete.sentence!

Can you tell her not to say anything, then, if she thinks there will be a row?

thank you all for responding. i have had no internet all week as i moved house and the connection took this long to get sorted so that's why i'm only getting back to this now.

blackcurrants i love those response and feel i may print them out and keep them in my pocket.

you are all right. i do know that it is her issue and what she thinks/says about me have no real relevance to the reality of me (does that make sense)

as an example, she called into my new home this morning unannounced (as usual) and without any exageration, the house was spotless. mainly because we just moved in last week and i spent all day yesterday cleaning and tidying. i even hoovered and mopped this morning before she turned up so it was gleaming. the dcs took her up to see their new bedrooms and the only thing she said the whole time was "you'll have to get that room of yours sorted". my room is full of all the boxes that came from my spare room and roofspace in my old house. we have no spare room in this house and i have no ladder yet to get into the roofspace so everything is temporarily in my room, all stacked neatly and leaving plenty or space for me to use the room. we moved in on thursday and she knows this. i think she cant help herself. she cant say positive things. this morning just reinforced that for me. i honestly didn't think she would find anything to complain about in the house. tehre wasn't even a dish in the sink. but clearly she needs to criticise for some reason or another. it has nothing to do with me. i know this.

Definitely bugger all to do with you - it's all about her need to make herself feel better; sounds as though she's insecure about how brilliant a parent you are, how well you manage the house/dc/pets etc.

Would her head explode if next time she asked you this, you just said "no"?

I find 'Have you finished?' or 'Anything else?' said in a breezy kinda way does the job.

urgh

"would being pleasant and supportive for a change kill you?"

how about asking her to give you a hand a couple of times a week to get it "up to scratch"

" i think she cant help herself. she cant say positive things."

She can and she can.

She just doesn't choose to because she gets something out of criticising you and making you feel bad.