can i say something without there being any rows?

[BeingBooyhoo]

is what my mum said to me.

i said i didn't know what she was going to say so couldn't guarantee i wouldn't be upset (i could tell she was building up to something i wasn't going to like) but that i had no intention of rowing, however that her idea of a row and mine were differennt things (she considers me defending myself as me being cheeky and answering her back, )

she repeated, "well can i just say something, and i dont want any rows?"

i said, "are you sure you want to say it if you think it might create a row"

she said "oh yes. i'm going to say it anyway, i just dont want a row with you as i know what you're like, you've just proved it to me" as all so far has been said in low tones.

so i said "well then say whatever you want to say, if you are going to anyway. i cant promise i wont be upset"

her "no i want you to promise not to be upset"

me "i dont know how i'm going to feel, but clearly it's something you think will upset me so it sounds like i might be upset. just say it"

so she did and i just nodded and stayed silent and she kept on talking, repeating what she had already said and waiting for me to respond (react?)

i feel i had no choice whatsoever in whether that conversation happened, and whats more i feel like she wanted me to react to prove herself right.

it's the same everytime she wants to have a go at me about something. sometimes her points are valid sometimes they are just a clash of opinions on how i should raise my children. but it's always teh same "can i jsut say something without their being a row" meaning i'm going to talk at you and you dont have a right to defend yourself or respond. i dont even know why i'm typing. just to vent possibly. i know no amount of talking to her rationally will convince her that it is possible to have a different opinion to hers and still be a valid human being.

for those who will no doubt ask, this most recent conversation was about how she thinks my house is 'not up to scratch'. it isn't. well not up to her scratch anyway. i have two small dcs including a toddler, 2 cats and a big hairy dog who gets wet and muddy most days. i expect to have a certain level of dirt and untidyness, i accept that i will have this level of dirt and untidyness for aslong as i have children and pets and only 24 hours in a day. she thinks it is unacceptable. i dont. clash of opinions, i will never convince her otherwise so i just nodded and stayed silent.

It must be so frustrating and upsetting to have your mum constantly undermining you like this. Some parents do genuinely feel insecure when their children grow up and don't need them anymore and react to this by trying to force them into the role of a child again by criticising them over ridiculous things so that they feel inadequate without mums help. Quite often these type of parents have quite claustrophobic relationships with their sons/daughters never giving them space to breathe. The only good thing about difficult people is that they are predictable so you always know something negative will br said and can prepare yourself to give a calm measured response. Try to turn the focus back on her each time (her comments say more about her than you) like "why does it bother you so much?" or "you don't have to come to the house if it upsets you" or "if you feel guilty about what you're about to say then maybe you shouldn't say it". Put that spotlight back onto her each time. It will het easier to do this after the first couple of goes and it will make you feel more in control of your encounters with her and remind you that she's the one with the problem not you. Maybe there's a bit of a void in her life and she fills it with your life. The main thing to remember is that her words do not define you, you're doing a great job managing your busy life so hold your head up and be proud of yourself and let her little darts bounce off you.

I want the big hairy wet muddy dog to shake all over her

What does she do to help you, despite all her negativity does she help?

again, thank you all. i'm having reall problems with my internet so apologies for not getting back sooner.

LeQueen i think that's a good way of dealing with it, as in, letting her get on with it out of charity/compassion.

as i said earlier i know it really isn't me, it's something about her that needs to do this so i will try not to take her comments to heart.

for the poster who asked what she does to help, well she works full time at quite a stressful job so i wouldn't expect her to help me after a day or week at work. she will have my dcs overnight at a weekend if i get a rare night out and she will buy them clothes if she has been out clothes shopping so she does help out but i wouldn't ask or expect her to help me in the house. tbh i dont think i could cope with her coming in my home regularly and doing that. there would be a running comentary on what i hadn't done and what i needed (in her opinion) to do.

I have this sort of criticism from my mother too. I hate it. The best advice I've had in dealing with it is to listen to her and every time she says "you" or "your", replace it in my head with "me" and "mine" so I can see that she's really just projecting her own issues.

She used to be a nightmare about cleanliness but since we got a cleaner she's now obsessed by how much "stuff" we have, to the extent that she once hired two Romanian guys with a van to come round and take things away. We aren't minimalists but we're relatively clutter-free, we're not hoarders! I think I posted a MN thread about it at the time because it really upset me.

She is much better since DS was born and she has something to distract her while she's here, but it still slips in sometimes. We are about to move from a 1 bed flat into a much larger 5 bed house and when a family friend very kindly offered us some beds for the extra bedrooms, she jumped in and said "oh no they won't need those, they have so much stuff anyway they'll have to get rid of most of it". When I pointed out to her that currently we have only one bed and the entire contents of our flat could fit in just one bedroom of the new house it was like I was talking to a wall.

tyelperion that does sound very like my mum.

when i first took posession of my new house she was with me and i think was showing off a bit infront of the agent.

conversation went like this

mum:"you'll need to get that fence made higher to keep the dog in"

me: "i dont leave the dog in the garden by himself, he lives in the house with us"

mum: "i'm sure he'll be out at some point or another, what about to pee?"

me:"yes, i take him out for the toilet and bring him back in again"

mum:"so how does he get excercised, that's not fair keeping him cooped up in the house all day"

me: "we walk for over 2 hours everyday"

mum"he's too big for the house though really isn't he? he's more of an outside dog"

me: "no, he's a house dog. he's house trained and behaves perfectly well indoors"

mum:"i know but he's too big for teh children isn't he?"

me: "no he's perfect for them to sleep on" (i was joking she didn't get it)

mum (to the agent) "ah well, you know best dont you dear" (sarcasm)

poor agent.

as i am getting immensly stressed by your first post and can not read further... and i don't have to live with that...

my mum has a low threshold for shouting... ie my loud annoyed voice=shouting... which just about guarantees i want to shout, properly shout.. and there is absolutely nothing you can do to defend yourself because that is shouting too.. aaaaaaaaaaaaagggggggggggghhhhhh

sympathies..

God, she ought to come round my house, if she wants to see mess!

I just couldn't help myself and I'd be a sarky bitch if I had those comments directed at me. 'You need to sort your room out' - 'Actually mother I thought those boxes looked so fabulous I thought I'd keep them'.

"You'll need to get that fence made higher to keep the dog in" - "It would be my fence, not yours, mother. I will do as I see fit." or "Gosh, no, I thought I'd get rid of it altogether".

But then I have had numerous very loud arguments with my DM telling her to keep her beak out, that just because I did things differently to her did NOT mean I was doing them wrong, etc. Eventually got through to her and she doesn't (usually) do it anymore.

I'm with some of the others who said you have to learn to ignore it. It sounds like you know exactly why your mum does this (with her background etc.) it's not really an acceptable excuse though and not fair to you.

I'd use the "of course you can say what you want mum, you're entitled to your opinion, just like I am mine"

If it's a negative comment about your house then my reply would be "isn't it great that you don't have to live here then mum" with a bigforced smile on face :)

If she touched a nerve then " no one forces you to visit us here if you don't find it acceptable"

Well, if you really can't tell her to just keep her opinions to herself, you could try one of the assertiveness techniques where you half agree with everything your Mum says in a non-committal way.

Mum: You need to keep this place tidier
You: You could be right (it's possible that she's right, it's possible that the world is flat)
Mum: So what are you going to do about it?
You: Hmm - not sure.
Mum: Well you could mop the floor for a start.
You: Yes, I suppose it could be cleaner. (Everything could be cleaner)

You need to say it in a nice, pleasant, breezy manner too.

Oh god, I've had a similar situation with my mother, Booyhoo. She came to stay straight after some building work and although everything was clean (a miracle, frankly) the house wasn't back to normal, inevitably. Apparently this means a) I'm not coping b) I don't care about her c) she may not visit again.
All absolute rubbish of course and she knows it.

Wish I could think of ways to cope when she says things like this. Especially to just head her off at the pass when she starts on the criticisms. I do make an effort and say things like "You might be right" and "Well I'm sorry you feel that way" all the while remembering that I'm an adult who doesn't have to answer to her, but then she just rants it up until I do get upset :(

Ha - ramps it up. But rants will do :o

Tell your mum to be glad she's not mine, LeQ. Or tell her she can come and tidy my house. I don't mind which.