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Original poster

Anyone else have an adult sibling who still lives at home with parent(s)?

32 replies

bibbitybobbityhat · 10/06/2012 18:55

My db is in his early 30s and has never left home.

I think this is remarkable, although I have never said anything to him or the parent concerned about it.

He does not have any sn and the parent he lives with is fit and able bodied.

I think the set up suits them both, but I feel it is just not ideal somehow.

I want to say something to the sibling ... would that be wrong?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 10/06/2012 19:05

I'd be ripping the piss if it was my DB, but all families are different. Why has no one ever mentioned it?

Trills · 10/06/2012 19:07

What do you want to say?

You and another adult live together and are both happy with the arrangement but I don't like it

I personally wouldn't want to do it, and wouldn't be very keen to date a man who did it (because if he liked it then we'd most likely have very different views on a number of important things) but I don't see how you can say it is wrong unless you have something specific that you can point at and say "this is wrong".

tribpot · 10/06/2012 19:09

I think what seems a bit weird is that he's never left home. How independent is he actually when he's at home? A uni friend of mine moved back in with her parents for financial reasons after we graduated and was still there a good five years later, I reckon. Her mum used to do all her laundry for her - and her packing when she went on holiday Shock

BeingBooyhoo · 10/06/2012 19:11

i agree with trills. why on earth would you say anything if they all seem happy with it?

my dsis is 24 and lives with my parents (has never moved out but talked of doing so for the past umpteen years Hmm)

they do whinge and moan about each other. dsis doesn't pay towards her keep even though she works full time and they funded her through college, her spell of unemployment and her 4 month trip to australia. although dmum wont ask her for any contribution so as far as i'm concerned it's between them/ if they want to live in seething resentment that's their choice, i have plent of my own worries to keep my mind occupied, why get stuck into theirs without invitattion?

Tamisara · 10/06/2012 19:12

My brother still lives at home - he is 36! He also doesn't pay rent (despite working full-time) because he owes money on loans, and quite often 'borrows' money from my retired (and elderly) parents, as he runs out. So he lives rent free, bill free, and still has cash handouts.

Dsis & I (who both moved out in our teens) are pretty pissed off, and tell our parents this, but it gets us nowhere.

I don't say anything anymore, they are all adults, but I do get fed up when my parents phone me up to moan about him.

I guess if it suits those involved there is not much you can say tbh. In my case my folks are not happy, but again, they are too soft on him.

SardineQueen · 10/06/2012 19:13

Same here but mine is mid 30s. My parents do try and talk about it with him, but he gets rather defensive. They are worried about what will happen when they are gone.

Empusa · 10/06/2012 19:15

Yep, my DBro does. Though to be fair, he was going to move out this year, but mum was diagnosed with cancer just before Xmas, and died 3 months ago. DBro doesn't feel right leaving DF on his own yet.

Bumblefeck · 10/06/2012 19:18

My DB lives at home now after his relationship broke down. He's been there for about 5 years now. After living with my parents when I first moved back, I can say he certainy has the easy life. All meals cooked, laundry, ironing, housework, wake-up calls - all is provided for the low low price of £50 p/w. If the house was bigger, I'd still flippin be there!!! :o

If it works for both of them, leave them to it.

Dprince · 10/06/2012 19:34

My dbro lived at home until he was 30. I moved out at 19. I would only consider saying something if they hadn't have been happy. He stayed there so he could save up a deposit for a house after leaving uni. 6 years meant he had a big deposit and now lives with his dw. They met shortly after he moved out.
I don't see anything wrong with it tbh. But the dbro was still fairly independent. Its different if they are living there because they wouldn't be able to live alone as they are so dependant on their parents.
I do think it might have put some gfs off. Don't know for certain but that's the impression I got.

Busybusybust · 10/06/2012 19:39

The parent is probably lonely. I am a widow and have brought up 4 children and now live on my own. I sometimes think it would be nice if one of them moved back home. Just so that I had someone to come home to - the company.(although realistically, I don't think I could stand the mess or invasion of my [hard won] space).

I would only be worried if, having NEVER left home, he left home to move in with a lady - that is recipe for disaster as he's never had to fend for himself and has no idea what if involved in running a house, or indeed even the basics of keeping his clothes clean and feeding himself.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 10/06/2012 19:40

Can't see why it's an issue. Maybe some people don't fancy living on their own but haven't met anyone they'd consider moving in with. Maybe they like each other's company?

As long as both parties are happy and no one is taking the piss by not paying rent, etc etc then so what?

SardineQueen · 10/06/2012 19:43

I think it can cause tensions in families due to rent not being paid/low rent being paid, parents who are knocking on a bit (usually the mum) waiting on the one at home and the one at home taking it for granted and that sort of thing.

Obviously not all of these situations have any of these types of dynamics but some do.

Trills · 10/06/2012 19:51

I can see plenty of situations in which it might be a bad thing, (as Sardine has mentioned) but bibbity hasn't said that any of that is happening.

I'd also feel a slight uneasiness about it, but wouldn't say anything.

skyebluesapphire · 10/06/2012 19:56

My brother is 38 and still lives at home but it's on site as a family business so a bit different. He is currently building his own property onsite as doesnt want to live with them forever even if he doesn't meet anyone

Needalifeagain · 10/06/2012 20:01

A friend of mine has three brothers about 30ish.
All still live at home and do not drive or own a car in a very rural location.

All work and mainly spend all their money on alcohol.
Their mum even buys their deodorant!

myalias · 10/06/2012 20:04

With the current climate this will be the norm for most people. Depending on your job, finances, housing prices etc. etc. people are living with parents longer to save for a housing deposit.

NamesKerry · 10/06/2012 20:09

I moved back in with my mum (I'm 37) due to a deceitful ex. I pay rent and we do things socially together. I'm the eldest of 5. All my siblings have moved out so it's just us two. It's nice living with my mum and I know she enjoys having me here. I would like my own place of course but at the moment I can't afford it.

I think to myself I'm not much of a catch to potential boyfriends though.

Original poster
bibbitybobbityhat · 10/06/2012 20:35

I think it is wrong because its not the natural order of things is it?

You bring your children up to adulthood and independence.

Living with your parents whilst in your 30s (unless out of necessity) is not being independent, is it?

I want to say to him: why are you still there? are you still going to live with dparent when you are 40/50? are you never going to live on your own or share with someone your own age? are you ever going to wash your own clothes, do your own shopping, make your own decisions?

All those sorts of things.

OP posts:
pippop1 · 10/06/2012 20:35

For me, it's ironic to read this today as DS1 aged 23,and his girlfriend have just moved into their own place this morning. I'm not sure whether to be celebrating like that couple in a recent advert whose son moves out or to feel a little sad. He graduated a year ago and I knew he'd move out when he could. We gave them a bottle of champagne (and a washer/dryer) to help them on their way!

We are going to redecorate his bedroom though. It will become a lovely guest room.

Trills · 10/06/2012 20:38

I know how you feel and I agree. I just don't think there is anything you can really say when it's not hurting anyone and they are both happy.

Maybe you should find a survey that says that women are much less likely to see someone who lives with a parent as a potential partner.

Dolallytats · 10/06/2012 20:39

Two of my sisters (39 & 34) and my brother (32) still live at home with my parents. In face, when they all moved to a different area, my two sisters took out a mortgage together so that they own half the house and my parents own the other. my brother has never been in a position where he could afford to do that. They like the arrangement. They like living together and realistically they would never have been able to get a mortgage on their own. My brother pays his fair share of the bills and his share in rent and everyone is happy. I think my brother would like to move to his own place, but the cost is more than he earns. My other sister lives in the house she has bought with her husband and their four DC and I live in a HA flat with my husband and 2 children. We will never be able to afford a mortgage (even though DH earns a decent wage, the cost of living is too high), but everyone is ok with their different living arrangements.

If private rents were capped, there would be more people moving out in their early 20's like it used to be.

SardineQueen · 10/06/2012 20:57

I have said things like that to my brother, as have my parents.
We all know it is not ideal, including him.
It's complicated.
Depends on your relationship with him whether you can have that conversation without some kind of hoo-ha ensuing.

elastamum · 10/06/2012 21:06

Its not always a bad thing.

My DB lived with my elderly parents until his 30's when he then bought a house of his own mortgage free! They loved having him around and he was a great help to them. He then moved nearby and after my dad died he used to look in on my mum everyday. He is self employed so used to drive over and have lunch with her. Having him around meant she could stay in her home when she was old and frail and we all knew she was safe. His DW also used to drive over after school so mum got to see her grandchildren nearly everyday. Smile

KikkiK · 10/06/2012 21:38

My brother is 30 and still lives with my parents. He pays rent, but doesn't want to move out and rent his own place as he says he wouldn't have any money left each month after paying rent and bills! Hmm Welcome to my world!
I had to go back and live with them all while I was unemployed. Never, EVER, again!
My parents are desperate for him to move out, not because they want rid of him, but because they want him to be independent. But he won't go, and they won't actually throw him out.
It's a very difficult situation, so I understand your worries, OP. My brother just stonewalls any attempt to question him about future plans. We reckon he's saving up to buy a house outright someday.

EclecticShock · 10/06/2012 21:44

Yes, my BIL, but it's really up to the individual. I wouldn't say anything.

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