What would you do?

[jjlovestoshop]

Hi there,

Really interested to see how you would deal with this.

I am in an unusual situation for me. I am British but living in a small expat community. The husband of one of my friends is behaving inappropriately towards me: trying make eye contact across the room, staring at me, coming up and tickling me from behind (on a few occasions). Beyond this, in many family events here, he will give my young son lots of attention, and even tell his own child who is a few years older to be more like my ds.

I try to stay away from him, but he will always find an excuse to come and be near me. In this case, I will try to make an excuse and leave. His wife, I think is aware, and if I am in a situation where I can't get away, it won't be long before she is by his side. I don't blame her.

It's not like at home where we can just not BE in their company. As I said, we are in a small expat community where all our endeavours are interlinked, not just for adults, but for the children as well. I really, really like and respect his wife, and I can't for the life of me understand why he is giving me this attention. I am very happy with my DH, who is handsome and great (imho), but as a whole, I'm not the type of woman who has gotten a lot of male attention. Even though I am confident and outgoing, I find this sort of attention difficult to deal with.

I can't just stay away from the social events that we are all invited to, so my decision is to not get into rhetoric and to stay as far away as possible. What would you do? DH is totally aware of the situation.

JJx

Tell him in words of one syllable to back off.

Repeat as necessary.
Keep your husband informed.

Sounds like a really awkward situation. If I were in your shoes and my DH knew it'd go one of two ways - I would take the sleaze to one side and express, as politely but as firmly as possible, that he should back off. Or, my DH would do it. Either way, someone needs to say something. It's not okay to behave that way and you need to let him know that.

What does your DH say.

Thanks. But, as I said, I'm not used to this attention. How do I know that I'm not making something more out of it than there is and therefore making a fool of myself?

Generally, if someone is making you feel uncomfortable, something isn't right. The tickling is just inappropriate. He sounds creepy.

DH thinks the tickling is out of order! And didn't think about the praise of DS until I told him of my concerns, but it was already kind of pissing him off.

Is your husband the type to tell this dickhead to back off?

nope.

The thing is, is his wife is beautiful, sexy...she's a yoga teacher. She's the sort of person I wish I could be more like...I just don't understand it.

You can deal with it without suggesting that it 'means' anything, if that is your concern.

I would say loudly 'bloody hell don't tickle me. I am not five years old and frankly it's weird!'
Ditto the staring 'did you want something or do i have something on my face? You are looking at me most oddly - what is it'

If you noisly point out the behaviours that are making you awkward, even if you do it as a joke, he will back off.

I wouldn't start trying to figure out why. He may just think that as you haven't rebuffed him you like it.
And comparing your looks to hers is sounding odd too.

Either confront Mr Lech or make him look ridiculous, or both. Tickling or touching is wholly inappropriate and you tell him to stop, no question about that one. Anything else gets met with 'Bloody hell Mr Lech, you're like some little dog always following us around'. Whether he's just being friendly or whether he fancies you is immaterial.

Its a myth that men always have affairs with more attractive women. But the beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Tell your husband he is making you uncomfortable and make sure your dh knows everything that happens.

Agree with Pagwatch. Probs the best way to approach it, especially if you feel awkward like this.

You don't have to be confrontational. Just say something polite but clear. "Don't touch me" and stay next to your DH if he happens to be around.

Yes but... she's the wife, you see. He's got her already. He wants something forbidden. I suspect your discomfort is part of the appeal.

Thanks guys. I have to be very careful about how I confront this, as it could cause an absolute riot amongst the people who live here if I were to make a big deal out of it.

@Pagwatch, why is it weird that I am comparing my looks to her?

...also, what about the comments to my 3 yo ds? I don't understand that either.

I would very firmly and clearly state, in front of as many people as possible,

"I don't like being tickled. (Please) don't ever touch me again" then stare at him til he looks away, hopefully embarrassed.

You are not causing ructions, he is - you are merely reacting to his inappropriate behaviour.

A riot? Listen, if people get upset because a woman tells a man to back off and stop paying her unwanted attention, they have some serious problems. Not you. Even if you're in some gated community in the middle of a desert, you have the right to have your personal space respected

...the tickling only happens when there's no-one else around, say when I've gone to find dcs. But then, I suppose I could be more open then, couldn't I? Duh!

@Cogito, agreed.
@Lemarch, if he were trying it on with me, why would he be trying to ingratiate himself with DH?

Sorry, as I said, I'm new to this sort of thing. My higher education did not cover. 'unwanted advances'.

I worry about how his wife might be taking it. She is aware (as a friend) of the some of the difficulties DH and I have been through (part and parcel of the lives we lead). There have been times when have been most unhappy with each other, but these times have passed, my concern is that she may think I am reciprocating (in which case, I most definitely am NOT!)

What is 'weird' (although i didn't say weird, i said 'starting to sound odd') is the extent to which you are speculating about his behaviour.
Wayne Rooney was about to be married to an attractive young woman and could pick any groupie but settled instead upon a 40 year old hooker.

It is a bit odd to wring your hands about why a man might persue you. What possible benefit is it?

If he is bothering you then find a way to get him to stop. Everything else's a huge waste of energy as the answers can only be a) he fancies you or b) he thinks you are up for it