Feel sad, a bit mad and unloved and untouched by dh

[arabella2]

Hi
Am almost 37 weeks pregnant (first typo was 378!!! - mind you it feels as if it has been that long) and have two other children - a ds who is 4 and 3 months and a dd who is going to be 2 in a month's time. Don't know where to start really, but the last year has been hard for dh and me and though we have come out of the very rough patch we had last summer where he said some terrible things to me and we generally did not get on well at all, the result of that has been that we are not very physically or emotionally close at the moment. Add to that the fact that every night either ds is in with us or one of us is with him and the other with dd. Also the fact that dh is completely besotted by the kids (nothing wrong with that in itself) and would be quite happy I feel never to share a bed with me again - all he really wants is to be able to cuddle his kids. So he is very physically affectionate to them but very little or rarely to me. I have brought this up with hime several times and he says various things ranging from "grow up", I have had "my turn", I can get my cuddles from the kids, I am not a kid etc etc.... However I feel totally bereft. He is also extremely tired all the time due to working very hard physically and we have had money worries for the past two years which are not yet resolved so I know that these things do not contribute to making him happy. If he is having a relaxed day he is much more forthcoming to me but why only then? Also I am heavily pregnant at the moment, we are not sexually intimate at all at the moment which I don't mind, but he touches me very little in general. Maybe he will put his foot on mine or lean his back against mine in bed - occasionally extend a hand and put it on me but that is like a miracle. When the kids are there he uses his arms to cuddle them and I have to admit I am jealous of this. It's as if with me he cannot be bothered even to get his arm out of the comfy position it is in to put it around me. We only ever kiss if being intimate (so not at all at the moment) and I feel terribly unkissed at the moment. Here I am very pregnant with our baby and the person for whom I am having the baby is just not interested...
Next part of post (sorry, it doesn't end there !) is that he has done some work for this girl who lives up the road whom I have not met but I gather is young, laid back and friendly. Yesterday she phoned on his mobile about some more work she wanted done (I answered and then he phoned her back and gave this little laugh when she answered) and I think he popped round there in the early evening to discuss it or I don't know what. Thing is - nothing wrong with that as he would have popped round to anyone's house and has done work for other people on this kind of basis, but I feel terribly insecure at the moment. Feel like I want to ask him if he did go round to her flat yesterday (I think he did for various reasons) but then if I do I am going to come across as paranoid and controlling as I created a bit of a song and dance about her last year. He would tease me saying she was his "floosy" etc... so I got a little paranoid - not that they were having an affair but simply that he liked her more than he likes me. Now I think he is probably a little wary of my reactions.
I am 37 years old and I think my appearance has recently changed in that I am no longer a girl but definitely a woman. He is 49 but all the same, a younger woman who has no hold over you and is friendly must be more attractive than your wife who is sometimes moody and makes demands. He rarely says anything nice about the way I look even though for a while now I have been making quite an effort with clothes etc... He is constantly telling the kids how beautiful they are (which is fine too because they are but the contrast is marked). It's as if I am suppose to function from day to day like a robot without any emotional input from him and to be honest I cannot do it. I often find myself thinking that when I am slim and fit again and more myself things will be different between us but that is all wrong - surely everyone deserves to be cherished in whatever state and surely even more so when pregnant? It's almost as if I have to be "better" in lots of different ways to be acceptable to him but I am fed up with putting myself down in my head like this. I have spent a lot of time over the last year covering up my loneliness with retail therapy - for example the other night spending about 2 hours on the internet looking for a bag that I don't really want or need but I am not going to do that anymore as it is just a cover up for pain. I'm sure there is loads more to say but cannot think of it at the moment! Any thoughts welcome!

Also, to add something about the age thing - I bought this jacket from Gap which admittedly did not suit me at all and which I took back. He told me at my age I should be shopping in Marks and Spencer (????!!!) - my Aunt who is 57 shops in all kinds of places and looks great. I feel that we are old before our time but I do not want to live this way.

Sounds awful Arabella, I honestly don't know what to say, but bumping it for those that may have a better idea.

As usual after I have talked about this to someone, this morning was a good morning affection wise - it still stands for most of the time though.

does he have problems around sex at all? just his behaviour sounds a bit like a woman who is too knackered for sex iyswim.

Big hags to you Arabella.

If I were you I'd start thinking about scheduling in some time each day for yourself, even if it is only 15 mins to start with and find a new hobby. (Might require some negotiation with dp - but if he is the loving dad you describe it shouldn't phase him too much.) Then I'd gradually increase this time until you can go out for an hour or so, even if its only to get to an aerobics class. And start thinking about getting out in the evening once or twice a month on your own.
That way your dp might start seeing you as your own person again with your own interests and friends still (as you had when you met, presumably) and not just the mother of his children and start looking at you in a refreshed light.
Having done this last Jan, though, I would say its a slow process and some weeks are better than others, but persevere. As mums we always seem to put everyone else above us and its hard to swing the balance back to something a little fairer.

He is taking you for granted Arabella, that is the long and the short of it. It is easy to do - I suspect most couples do, especially when there are small children on the scene - but in your case, he is neglecting you far more than you are neglecting him and far more than he should IMO.

What really stuck out in your post was him telling you to grow up and you are not a child anymore when you ask him for cuddles. That is horrible! You are a couple, supposedly a loving couple, and I bet there were cuddles and other little attentions before you had children, so why not afterwards? How would he feel if you stopped say, cooking meals for him and suggested that he is grown up and can cook his own? It is ridiculous!

I feel quite angry for you. I don't know what to suggest though. If he were my partner, I would have said all of the above to him by now. Somehow he needs to see that your are still entitled to cuddles and affection even though there are now also children to consider. Put it this way, will he stop cuddling your ds and dd when the new baby is here needing attention? NO I thought not.

BTW, I would try not to bring the young woman for whom he has been working into the equation. Mentioning her will make you look insecure and may give him ideas. Work at your relationship - or get him to work at it rather! - as that is what will keep him away from anyone else in the long run.

arabella2

I am so sorry to hear you are feeling like this. Your post was so clearly put, I would take a deep breath and show it to him. You could never say all this, you would be interrupted, go off on tangents etc. But here it is all in black and white and is a great place to start talking about it.

Talking is sometimes all that is needed. Men sometimes don't see the emotions that are taking place as clearly as we do.

There is nothing wrong with feeling insecure, worried etc, but you married a man to help you with those feelings, to give you hugs when needed, to boost your feelings when you are feeling down. Not to ignore them to that they manifest into something deeper.

Good luck. xx

Hi Arabella

You do sound a little depressed and have good reason. I agree with one of the messages and that you should definitely start getting some more self asteem some how. Not sure if you are in to exercise but exercise in any form is so good for you and definitely helps in various ways. The comment that you should be shopping in Marks & Spencers WELL. I am 40 - 41 this year and I shop where I want to shop and it certainly isn't Marks & Spencers. Go and treat yourself, have your hair done, have a good girlie night out just spend some time and energy on yourself. Good luck

Thanks. About the mad part - on a good day I know nothing is going on with this woman - that he likes her and she is probably a nice person but that's all. On a bad day I think Oh he probably only went round to get a fix of her company even if only for 5 minutes as she must be such light relief after the heaviness of things at home at times. Then the madness goes a bit further and I wonder if every time the van is pointing a particular way on the street is it that he has popped into her house to finish the odd job? He has often had jobs that drag on for ages so nothing unusual there, plus he told me she was getting him and his helper to do bits and pieces as and when she had the money. He has the keys to her flat and I think they let themselves in there and do work while she is out as well (again, nothing unusual). Doesn't make me feel great though, especially on days when we are distant from each other. This morning he was all affectionate but this evening he was very tired and in a bit of a bad mood. Picked on me about 2 or 3 silly things at dinner time including one of them in not a very nice way. Find myself reacting sometimes as I would have to my father - I must have done something wrong and must do better to gain his approval. The house used to be a real challenge for me and then we used to have lots of arguments about mess as a lot of it was in fact mine. Those arguments have stopped as the house is MUCH better (quite proud of this!) but he will still find things to pick on "why is that cup of water there in front of the cupboard I have to open" and subsequently throws it into the sink even though that was the water I was drinking. Anyway, I thought the house being in a much better state would improve our closeness but it hasn't.
Mummytoseven - we don't normally have sexual problems. At the moment I am very pregnant and waiting for this baby to come out (panicking a bit about the birth but that's another post ) and he is very tired and not bothered. Maybe in terms of affection he is like that though - too knackered to be bothered to be affectionate, because it IS sometimes better on days when he is at home and relaxed. Still nothing like the emotional and physical closeness I want, and feeling of being peaceful. I wonder if it is possible to get all of that back after bad rocky patches where awful things have been said???

On a positive note, I would say that yes it is possible to regain the affection after a rocky patch in a relationship, as long as you both love each other and can let go of any horrible things that were said at the time.

On a less positive note, he sounds incredibly controlling and you sound quite submissive. Is this the relationship you want or would you prefer to be equal partners? If my dh complained of the mess in our house, I would suggest to him that he lent a hand clearing it up, not rush to do it all myself. A clean house certainly won't improve your closeness, or shouldn't. He should love you for who you are not how well you tidy.

Well, it was VERY messy at times not just normally so. I am not submissive, he may be a touch controlling at times when in a bad mood. I am pleased I have got the house in this state where it requires little tidying - he is at work all day and I am here so I don't mind that being my job. I mind if he is rude to me about ridiculously small things though but that's different to the tidying issue I think. He would be happy with far less "things" in our house and I have brought lots of those "things" in so fair enough.
Yes I do want to stay in this relationship for lots of reasons - not least that when it is good I am very happy with it - just need a lot more good times !!
It's true that there is some kind of inequality in the relationship where I think he feels in some way "superior" but that is one of the things I am going to work on, not least in my own personality. I think we find people who enable us to work on our issues.
We will soon have 3 kids together - it is no longer a case of just walking out and being free and I think there is a lot at stake here.
Just had a ridiculous argument with the recycling man so am all fired up about that at the moment.

Glad you think closeness can be regained because that is what I really really want.

I hope I did not offend you when I said he sounds controlling. I know a lot of women like that in their relationships and even seek out a father figure to marry. There is nothing wrong with that if you want it. I have to admit, I was always looking for that sort of relationship, but ended up with my dh who, although I love him dearly, I do not look up to in that way - we are equals.

As long as you are happy with your partner acting or thinking he is in some way superior, I am happy for you.

Re closeness being regained, yes it can happen. My dh and I are getting closer now after years of just being functioning partners IYSWIM.

I know it's difficult at the moment, but when the new baby is arrived and settled, could you and dh have one night a week you spend together? I mean, go out to the cinema, or for a drink and chat.

You do sound fed up. Which is quite understandable bearing in mind what hard work pregnancy and kids can be. Your dh also sounds emotionally worn out.

It almost sounds to me that you are jealous that your dh can go and play at being free of commitmrnts for a few mins here and there, which you can't do as the baby is always there to remind you.

I imagine that he harbours some resentment if you have money trouble, he is working as hard as he can and you are treating your depression by buying unnecessary items ( I'm not criticising - I do it myself).

I recommend a lot of communication and see if you can get some help or babysitting. It is going to get really tough when the baby arrives. It will all be worth it in the end.

I rhink a lot of marital problems could be helped by a few really good nights sleep. I know mine could.

I agree with DG arabella - you can go through very rocky patches in an overall happy marriage, and if you both still love each other and want it to work, you can get back on track. I've been there.

We have all been there i have had to lose weight to keep mine. Felling better in myself too.
Shitty though. Would not have had another baby.
Too late now. My hubby didn't fancy me when i was preggars and still doesn't

No you didn't offend me DumbledoresGirl - I think you struck a cord which I didn't want struck particularly. I think dh can be controlling at times and at times I behave "submissively" at the moment I think trying to make up for the fights we had this summer. I am not happy with him thinking he is superior at times but don't quite know how to get round that one at the moment - am working on it . I think in a way he has less invested in our relationship than I do and would suffer less if we were to part and that puts him in a more powerful position than me. Also the house is his etc.. etc... The father figure thing is true though - weird that, don't know how you get out of it really other than by maybe doing your own thing and forging your own career and friendships and then getting back to the relationship later. A bit difficult when at home with soon to be 3 children and not that many outlets.
I agree that he harbours resentments about unnecessary spending and that he is emotionally exhausted and that we need time together and sleep. When the new baby arrives there will be various people staying with us or close by so I think I am going to use that time to jumpstart myself out of my mild depression and anxiety and make plans though with us our babies have always been quite dependent until about a year old (breastfed and all that).
Yes I would like a little freedom back!!!! Thanks for messages and sorry if I jumped on you a bit DG .

Hun my advice to you is when you havehad your baby. Lose your weight go to the gym, sod the Marks and Sparks comment. Get to next and get some sexy attire. Your children should be in their own beds. Try and get a life for you besides your kids, i know you love them but you need your time too. Your confidence will spark interest from him. Send your self some flowers but make out you do not know who they are from THIS IS WAR GIRL. PLAY SNEAKY.

agree with abirosie and other posters
I think all marriages/partnerships go through a rut stage
xxx

NEED MORE HELP. Mini crisis today in that dh's mobile rang this morning and he went to the other room to answer it (often does this as he runs a business from it and needs to get away from the sounds of kids' voices to sound more professional). When he came back (he had been keeping his study door closed because ds was trying to pull the handle the other way) I asked him whether it had been a customer and he said "maybe, no not really". I didn't like this answer or the way he had said it so then said again "was it a customer ordering a bed?". He then said annoyed "what do you want from me?" so I said "to know who was on the phone ". He then asked me if I was going to descend into my nuttiness again or words to that effect and I said something along the lines of how did he he think I would feel when somebody answers "maybe, no not really" (not quite sure about the sequence of the conversation) to which he said "fxxx how you feel" - he didn't care blah blah. I said that was the problem, he didn't care and was insensitive and uncaring..... Could have got worse I suppose but it stopped there luckily since kids around. Then went upstairs for a bit to do stuff still fuming. After that he tried the ignoring me thing but did not really work. Now he is ignoring lots of things I say or being cold and dismissive of others. When he feels you have "misbehaved" he punishes you in this way.
So basically I think the person on the phone was the woman up the road arranging for work to be done next week (why phone on a Sunday morning grrr..). He did not want to tell me because I made a bit of a fuss about her last year because of how I felt he teased me about her (calling her his floosy and joking that she was 100, no 32, no 65 years old), and also because I got the impression that he liked her and just generally feel INSECURE. Insecure about the lack of affection between us, about me being a big pregnant WOMAN who is approaching middle age and who is definitely not laid back, bubbly and fancy free. Also because of some of the awful things he has said to me in the past (called me a boring old woman not long ago). The thing is that I can't accept is that sometimes people just need a little loving reassurance. I should be able to say what I am worried about and he should be able to say yes I understand but I love you despite other people being attractive etc... But no, I am supposed to be this iron woman who functions on no reassurance ever or sideways reassurance which I am supposed to gauge from tiny comments. In the past I used to be quite jealous in this way (always I think because of lack of reassurance). Then when ds was born (over 4 years ago) that all disappeared because we were both so wrapped up in him so far about 4 years I was jealousy free. Now though it has come back and I am fed up. I even imagined that he came out of his study with a bounce in his step and a smile in his eyes from having talked to her. FEEL CRAP. CRAP CRAP CRAP. I don't know what I need to do to gain dh's approval and open love but whatever I am doing is failing miserably.

sorry, feeling so bleugh and incapable of offering any advice worth hearing, but I wanted you to feel you are not alone, he sounds like a tw@t and he is being very cruel to you, you deserve better. Thinking of you. xxx

Thanks for thoughts mytwopenceworth - why are you feeling bleurgh? or have I missed this on another thread? I think he has very high standards and expects absolute trust without any questioning ever but this is hard to do and I think people do need reassurance at times. Plus I think he is pissed off because he remembers my jealousy in the past so it comes with baggage if you see what I mean...

Do you love him and would you still be with him if you didn't have children are two questions that spring to mind!

He sounds like a bit of a prat, and for what it's worth and going on what he's said about you being an old woman etc, etc, he's not exactly a catch himself! I mean, he's almost 50 with two and a bit kids, not exactly prime bait.