Feel sad, a bit mad and unloved and untouched by dh

[arabella2]

Hi
Am almost 37 weeks pregnant (first typo was 378!!! - mind you it feels as if it has been that long) and have two other children - a ds who is 4 and 3 months and a dd who is going to be 2 in a month's time. Don't know where to start really, but the last year has been hard for dh and me and though we have come out of the very rough patch we had last summer where he said some terrible things to me and we generally did not get on well at all, the result of that has been that we are not very physically or emotionally close at the moment. Add to that the fact that every night either ds is in with us or one of us is with him and the other with dd. Also the fact that dh is completely besotted by the kids (nothing wrong with that in itself) and would be quite happy I feel never to share a bed with me again - all he really wants is to be able to cuddle his kids. So he is very physically affectionate to them but very little or rarely to me. I have brought this up with hime several times and he says various things ranging from "grow up", I have had "my turn", I can get my cuddles from the kids, I am not a kid etc etc.... However I feel totally bereft. He is also extremely tired all the time due to working very hard physically and we have had money worries for the past two years which are not yet resolved so I know that these things do not contribute to making him happy. If he is having a relaxed day he is much more forthcoming to me but why only then? Also I am heavily pregnant at the moment, we are not sexually intimate at all at the moment which I don't mind, but he touches me very little in general. Maybe he will put his foot on mine or lean his back against mine in bed - occasionally extend a hand and put it on me but that is like a miracle. When the kids are there he uses his arms to cuddle them and I have to admit I am jealous of this. It's as if with me he cannot be bothered even to get his arm out of the comfy position it is in to put it around me. We only ever kiss if being intimate (so not at all at the moment) and I feel terribly unkissed at the moment. Here I am very pregnant with our baby and the person for whom I am having the baby is just not interested...
Next part of post (sorry, it doesn't end there !) is that he has done some work for this girl who lives up the road whom I have not met but I gather is young, laid back and friendly. Yesterday she phoned on his mobile about some more work she wanted done (I answered and then he phoned her back and gave this little laugh when she answered) and I think he popped round there in the early evening to discuss it or I don't know what. Thing is - nothing wrong with that as he would have popped round to anyone's house and has done work for other people on this kind of basis, but I feel terribly insecure at the moment. Feel like I want to ask him if he did go round to her flat yesterday (I think he did for various reasons) but then if I do I am going to come across as paranoid and controlling as I created a bit of a song and dance about her last year. He would tease me saying she was his "floosy" etc... so I got a little paranoid - not that they were having an affair but simply that he liked her more than he likes me. Now I think he is probably a little wary of my reactions.
I am 37 years old and I think my appearance has recently changed in that I am no longer a girl but definitely a woman. He is 49 but all the same, a younger woman who has no hold over you and is friendly must be more attractive than your wife who is sometimes moody and makes demands. He rarely says anything nice about the way I look even though for a while now I have been making quite an effort with clothes etc... He is constantly telling the kids how beautiful they are (which is fine too because they are but the contrast is marked). It's as if I am suppose to function from day to day like a robot without any emotional input from him and to be honest I cannot do it. I often find myself thinking that when I am slim and fit again and more myself things will be different between us but that is all wrong - surely everyone deserves to be cherished in whatever state and surely even more so when pregnant? It's almost as if I have to be "better" in lots of different ways to be acceptable to him but I am fed up with putting myself down in my head like this. I have spent a lot of time over the last year covering up my loneliness with retail therapy - for example the other night spending about 2 hours on the internet looking for a bag that I don't really want or need but I am not going to do that anymore as it is just a cover up for pain. I'm sure there is loads more to say but cannot think of it at the moment! Any thoughts welcome!

hi again - i agree people do need reassurance. it can be so painful to be in a relationship with someone who withholds this. i just felt bad for you because i could read so much in your post and i felt for your situation. i know how bad it can feel when your emotional needs are not acknowledged or met. it just feels so much like he is all about manipulation and i know how this can mess you up.

mytwopenceworth - not to be confused with tuppenceworth!!

Yes I do love him when he is relaxed and affectionate which does happen. I still remember the reasons I wanted to be with him and how I felt about him when we first met. He loves the kids to bit and I really appreciate that about him. I don't know whether we would still be together without kids. If things were this distant then maybe not, but then without kids I would have a lot more freedom to pursue my own life without depending on dh for so much including emotionally so possibly that would mean a better relationship. He says some of the nasty things he does say in the heat of the moment and to be honest I don't know if he even remembers later (re. boring old woman comment). I know he is almost 50 but I'm sure that doesn't mean he is unfanciable/unloveable.
I found more to torture myself with... when he came out of his study he asked me if it had been me trying to get in (ds had been trying to open the door and dh had been holding it shut and it had been going bang, bang, bang)! As if a) I would do that and b)why did he hold it shut if he thought it might be me???
Do not feel great. The Ted Hughes / Sylvia Plath story keeps on popping into my head tonight. He eventually left her (mother of his 2 kids I think) for some sparky person. I think she was very bitter about it. I'm a bit like her but without the poetic talent , just the depressive side (though in my case it is slight not suicidal) and I think dh cannot stand this aspect of my character.

Sorry mytwopenceworth - my post must have crossed with yours. Yes I do think it is about manipulation or in some way always being in control of the other person. The sulking is definitely about this.

i really think it might be good for you to go to somewhere like relate. i am not trying to put your dh down, but it sounds very familiar to me. you say he says things in the heat of the moment - but i bet they hit you like a guided missile! i bet he always knows just what to say to make you feel the most badly about yourself. talking thru your relationship with someone else - on your own i mean, so he cant turn things around to make you feel its all your fault, might really help you get things clear in your head.

Yes he does blame me for things (and I him I suppose) - I think to himself he is probably aware that things that he does cause damage, but he is so pissed off with me not being more "grown up" and so busy at work and tired and wanting to see the kids, that he does not really care. I have been going to see a counsellor and we have talked about different things including dh and I, but now that baby is almost here things like that are going to be difficult for a while. I rely on amazon for encouraging books re relationships except at the moment I am going through the "relationship rescue workbook" which is proving depressing as my relationship seems to be in bad shape.

really feel for you, my p was also like this while I was heavily pregnant last year. It's difficult, you feel you 'need' to be fun, responsibility free and stunning at a time when it's just impossible. The only thing I would say is I'd not try so hard to please him, and try to please yourself a little more. You are carrying his child after all, the onus should be on him to make you feel good not terrible! In my experience - and my situation is quite different from yours, although there are similarities like the ages, the distancing - if you are over- eager to please it can put you in a position of weakness. I have always got most respect from p when I have been assertive and couldn't give a sht, absurd way to live I know, and I am not suggesting you become hard as nails but in my experience my p will criticise anything if in the mood to (like your glass of water situation) - so trying too hard to please is self defeating. I wouldn't get paranoid about the 'girl' but I do think it's cruel of him to bait you on this issue instead of reassuring you. Don't give him the power in this relationship, eg by saying you have the more to lose. Why do you feel you have more invested in the relationship? and why is the house in his name - if you are married presumably you are both entitled a share of that anyway? Why are you panicking about the birth (apart from the obvious) - dh WILL be there for you, won't he? or is it something else. Sorry for all the questions. Feel for you and hope he gets his head round giving you some tlc soon, whether or not you've been to the gym ffs! and give his name to Saga mailing list or something, cheeky bgr!

Saga is a good idea!!! Panicking about the birth because of the pain really, that's all. Dd's birth was fine and quick but the last bit was breathtakingly painful - vowed never to do it again but ahem, here we are. Yes dh will be there but when he behaves in the way he does sometimes I am not sure I even want him there. Why should I have to undress and lose it in front of somebody who often behaves like an iceberg.
He bought the house after about a year that we had been together. We were not married and I would not have had enough money to pay half the mortgage. Anyway it did not really even come up. Dh is divorced and his first wife walked off with the entire house and I think he is very wary. We got married when I was 6 months pregnant with ds so I am more protected against eventualities than I was. I think he has always been more detached than me and I have probably leaned on him too much in a way which at times he has found difficult. He is my first boyfriend (met him when I was almost 27 - here I would insert a blushing face but have tried and it does not work) whereas he obviously had his first wife and other girlfriends before me. He has more experience of life and is also more hardened by it I think. His father left the family home when he was about 15 I think and was a difficult person to live with before that. In fact out of the 6 brothers and sisters, dh probably is one of the least angry with him (he is now dead) as 2 out of the 3 sisters received rough treatment at his hands I think and hate the thought of him. So for all of these reasons and also the things he sometimes says to me, I think it would not phase dh that much if I were not around - except that of course now the kids are involved it becomes a different ballgame.
I agree about being more assertive though - definitely and not so eager to please also. Why DO some men become so distant when their wives are pregnant??? The romantic ideal is of the husband who lovingly caresses belly containing child and massages away wife's aches and pains ha :o - fat chance.
Did things improve with your partner after the birth and when you had got yourself back together? I hope they did. In what ways is your situation different? Thanks for your post, it has made me feel better.
You know, I would be able to be this independent rock that never gave dh any hassles if ironically I had somebody else I could lean on at times, but I don't really. I agree I should not be smothering him with my neuroses, but surely good relationships are about sharing feelings and loving each other despite the bad bits?

Sorry if I mercilessly bump my own thread but feeling lonely - kids and dh are in bed. Dh has been asleep since 8.00 pm on the sofa and recently stumbled to bed without much of a word in my direction. No one told me that the loneliest I would feel with dh is when we almost have 3 kids together and should really be rejoicing every day. Have been looking through other threads re. problematic relationships and all the ones where there has been a split make me feel rubbish. Should go and do some more of my relationship rescue workbook but the last time I was doing it I was shocked by how angry I seem to feel and how negative our relationship is at times. Anybody out there got any more gems of advice???

Arabella I don't get on here too much now I have baby but I have been thinking about you and wanted to just check in and give you some support, I'm afraid it's a bit limited at the moment cos as I say my mn time is much much less than it used to be! I see you have started another thread and are still feeling awful ... I would try not to think too much or make any decisions til after baby comes along, this should clarify matters a bit for you. Agree about the image of man lovingly embracing wife and bump, used to p me off too! You are nearly there now - there is not a lot you can do re relationship issues I feel at 37(8?) weeks pregnant cos everything will change soon anyway. Personally I was overcome with love for my dd and it made me focus on how p had failed to shape up as a partner and a father - and I felt incredibly empowered to bring up the children my way. P and I have not had a happy ending which is one reason I stress that your situation is very different from mine, my p is less affectionate that your dh and would not contemplate even the gestures of affection that your dh makes to you. Maybe your dh finds it difficult to express affection to his partner, but he's not shut down completely, so even though it's not quite enough for you, try to ride it out for the moment ... God knows I am not in a position to give anyone advice, but I do know how it feels to be shut out when you need love and affection, and I do feel for you. I made a good friend on here on the ante natal thread as a matter of fact who helped me through the worst of it, I'd say lean on your friends all you need to atm. Let me know if I can do anything to help, as I say, I'll check in and see how you are getting on. Try and think about the good things, the lovely baby you are carrying, and how interesting it will be to see your three children all together. Chin up, if you can xx

awayninahmanger - thanks for your kind message. Since posting have had two okay days and one weepy day (yesterday). Basically if dh is in a better mood because not so stressed out by work etc.. and if he is spending more time working at home so not getting so tired, we get on much better. Realise I am too connected to his moods in a co-dependent kind of way. Agree about riding things out and also that all gestures of affection are not gone. How many kids do you have and how old are they now? You sound very brave and level-headed. I've been thinking that if I can make this baby a little less dependent on me (breastfeeding etc...) than the other two were, then by the time it is six months old maybe I will be able to do a course I want to do if I can organise myself with dh and possibly other babysitters. I desperately need/want some kind of independence back and then apart from all the other benefits, I won't be hanging on dh's shirt-tails for some taste of life.

Hello again Arabella! you sound a bit more cheerful, do hope this has survived the weekend. When's your due date?
I have ds 3.6 and dd nine weeks! so all very recent, and I DO know how you feel. I didn't realise how much independence I'd grabbed back with ds until this pregnancy and bf phase started again. p is out all the time having 'fun' and fun is the last thing I feel like. Sleep, yes please! However, real independence starts in the mind - however it might seem, you CAN feel good about yourself, before you know it your number three will be crawling, walking, ..graduating! What I am doing this time is giving two bottles each day as well as bf partly cos dd is a milk monster and I can't keep up but also to give me the option of going out alone a bit sooner, if I need it. dd took ages to take a bottle and I just want to know I have some flexibiity this time. What kind of course would you take? (don't push yourself just to 'prove' anything, will you - when you're ready, and something you'll enjoy?)
I'm not in the least level headed in my own life, sadly! Do hope things work out for you and dh continues to relax and cherish you a bit more. I'm quite excited about your baby, do let me know! ninah (haven't bothered to change Xmas name back )

Hi Ninah
Yes kind of am feeling more positive though have been going guns at dh over things I am annoyed about which hasn't been great but on the other hand I want to re-draw the way we interact with each other and what about as we are/were in such a rut. I don't want to eat humble pie any more with him over past behaviours of mine or beg him for affection. My parents have arrived in London today and the baby (whose due date is the 17th of this month but the other 2 were both a week and a week and 2 days early) could arrive any time.
I think it's a good idea about the bottles...
One course I was thinking about was Indian Head Massage or Reflexology but I would have to be very serious about getting people to help with kids as there is loads of anatomy to learn.
9 weeks wow! that's so little. How is your ds coping with the arrival of a rival so to speak??? Do you mind if I ask you about the birth - was it okay? Went to a waterbirth workshop on Monday where we all watched a video of a woman giving birth (in water) - the silence in the room was quite tangible afterwards as her pain was evident (and most apart from me and another girl were pregnant with their first baby)! The midwife running the workshop joked that it was too late to do anything about it :). Speak soon.

hello again arabella, glad things are more cheerful! I spent today lunching with friend while ds raced round play area hence a much needed rest for me this evening.
fantastic your parents are around, that's a big help with baby here soon and takes the pressure off you and dh. wow, not long to go.
The birth was fine for me, really quick. I was nervous because I had been induced with ds so had no experience of going into labour naturally and p was out and about (he is self employed and works with a number of clients so plenty of pre Xmas bashes) so I had no idea if he would be around in time, my father lives a way away, my sisters were being crp and becuase it was Xmas lots of friends were away so my back up plans for looking after ds were shaky to say the least. In the end dd arrived when p was around - although he did spend most of the evening in the pub while I put ds to bed through my contractions - luckily he turned up shortly before my waters broke. I was in the delivery suite for a couple of hours only, it DOES pass even though it seems like the hands on the clock move so slowly at the time. Stay away from those videos! and the Discovery channel! they scare the life out of you, quite unecessarily! poor old first time mums - midwife sounds quite case hardened if that's the expression. I don't know that I could do that job, watching people swear sweat and curse.
A friend of mine started a reflexology course and you're right there was loads of anatomy, I don't think she perservered in the end. Wait and see how you feel when baby comes along. I think things may well be a lot brighter for you, I do hope so. x