'The time to leave will present itself' - how very true, thanks mumsnetters.

[chipping]

I had a moment of clarity this evening and told H I was going to divorce him.

I've posted on here a few times, I've been determined to leave, but haven't had the confidence.

My relationship has left me at times at the point of suicide.

H told me today what he thought of me - I am a liar, I am insane, a bad wife, a control freak, etc etc. It went on & on. Then came that moment of clarity when he said he had no respect for me. Everything he said after that just washed over me, it didn't have any effect.

I told him it was over, he carried on with the insults. I told him what he was saying didn't matter any more. Because it doesn't - does it?

I don't have to put up with it anymore. I told him I was setting him free to find his ideal woman, someone he can respect. It didn't seem to register.

I thought I would feel sad - i don't. i thought it might drive me back to smoking - it hasn't, I thought I might spend the rest of the night drinking glass after glass of wine - I haven't. I feel very calm. it's odd.

If i can do it, anyone can. I NEVER thought I could, but I have & feel (dare I say it?) happy & positive about the future.

thank you mumsnetters.
x

AF - 'house-share type financial arrangement' re food??? ... H doesn't accept that I have actually left him, this would be beyond his limited capabilities of reasoning.

008 - i like the idea of a 'wobble' I could get up early & be free for 15mins or so. that would be so good.

It's a good question.

Did it for seven months. Set up separate bedrooms. Separate fridge shelves. Organised turns to look after DS. Went away to family for weekends. Was working though. He wouldn't go. In the end I had tell him I was going to move with DS to near work if he wouldn't go. He did go eventually but it was hard and the final two weeks was vile when he tried to get a reaction by stepping up his EA and then raped me.

The peaceful feeling though remained with me throughout though because it was just what had to happen for it to change .

Hurrah for you chipping

it's a ridiculous situation that you are using savings for food

I bet he wipes his arse on the bog roll you buy too, doesn't he ?

can you arrange a formal separation and you each put money in a kitty for household expenses while you organise the house sale

you are organising a house sale/he is looking to move out, yeah ?

Oh, I had to use relate to get him to understand that it was over. I could have kissed the councillor when he said "she has said it's over. You have to accept what she says. It is her decision". It was a beautiful moment.

oh, god, who - that's how DC4 was conceived. can't say the 'r' word though...horrid flashbacks.

Well done, keep strong + what AF said ^

omg, cross posted with you who I am so sorry

and chipping sorry to sound a bit snippy, it's not intentional

I just wish, especially after what you have just said, that you can find a way to more uickly get the sick fucker properly out of your life

chipping me neither until years later. Lurking here over many years has helped me put it all in a form of order that allows me to talk about it.

I do wonder, when lurk around relationships, whether I would have been so measured and giving in my exit had I had access to mumsnet advice and support. Maybe in the situation you're in, a swifter exit than I made might be prudent? If he's already at that stage what else might he do as he starts to process it.

I'm sure there's a better way of saying this, hopefully you get what I mean.

who - I get what you mean. I hope you are in a happy place now

He thanked me afterwards.

Ahhh, as DS1 would say "what AF said"

Seriously, I'm not sorry. I am always peaceful these days and I choose to be positive also. May you get the life you deserve and the one you choose and make.

your ds says "what AF said" ?

agggh, I'd better stop swearing so much

(hug)

And that's what makes it EA too - it doesn't make it right, it doesn't mean you gave that gift but you will understand that over time.

Actually I'm very happy. Though tend to be grumpy without a cup of tea first thing. I've now got 4 DS, a proper healthy, fun relationship and I do it my way.

at AF. No. You keep it up.

Out of interest, how long had you been unhappy?

Well done Chipping. I had to live with ex-h for a while after we separated and it was bloody awful but what I did was very gradually I changed things in the house.
We knew he was going to be the one to move out so I just started claiming the house as 'mine'. I rearranged things to my liking, I painted the bathroom a pale lavender and brought feminine shampoos and soaps. I did lots of things that were not normally 'me' like buying flowers and pretty bed linen, when he opened a cupboard it would be different inside, I bought food I knew he wouldn't eat like fish and cauliflower etc etc.

He complained I was trying to annihilate even the memory of him and he was right. I was. When he left I rampaged through every single drawer, cupboard and room to empty it of anything that was his so I wouldn't find it by accident, not even a sock.

I prepared for months for that moment when he walked out of the door and even the house seemed to sigh with relief along with me.

Chipping, this is great news. Well done, that is a massive hurdle you have overcome!

Expect the shit to get weirder.

WRT money and food.... don't buy a thing for the weekend and his friends coming over. You don't have the money.... Tell them the truth if you must, but don't allow him to manipulate this sitation any further.

he has ranted at you expecting you to take it and dance away to his tune, and you haven't, so he'll ignore that tactic, and try others. He will panic when he realises that the camel's back HAS been broken. Don't even blink, keep focussed, and keep repeating that you will divorce him.