What would you have said or done?

[TooManyOddSocks]

Just for a bit of background, my mum died 20 years ago, DHs mum died 38years ago. I talk about my mum regularly, not in a morbid way but just so the DC get a sense of what she was like IYSWIM. DH very seldom tralks about his mum, certainly not about her personality, or any quirks she had. If he does mention her it is the fact she is no longer here and how sad it makes him. But it is literally a once a year mention.
So, the other night DD (7) was upstairs with DH and (I don't know exactly how the conversation started, neither DH nor DD can tell me) but it ended with DD crying hysterically because she got confused that DHs mum was dead, she made a remark that she was still alive. DH went mad at her, telling her how hurtful it was to say such a thing and how thoughtless she was. He came downstairs and sat in the lounge saying how thoughtless DD was and how sad he now was.
What would you have said to both of them?

How old is DD? I think I would gently try and explain to DH that he has over-reacted, it was a genuine mistake, and that maybe you should all spend some time talking about grandparents and families and maybe looking at old photos.
It sounds like his mums death is something he finds difficult to talk about, but he can't blame DD for that.

You DD is 7. I would doubt very much that she has any concept of what death is. He is an adult and while the death of his mum has obviously affected him he shouldn't have talked to her that way.

With your daughter I would suggest you tall about what death is. My father died when I was 15 and my niece and nephew really don't understand it. They have seen pictures and have been told but sometimes they talk about grand dad coming over for tea. They are younger then your daughter (6+4) but this is the first time they have had to think about it. It is a hard conept for children to understand.

I would sugget your husband goes for councelling. And also talk to his DD an apologies. Try and explain that he was feeling sad and he acted out when he shouldnt have.

My dad has now been dead long then I knew him alive. It hurts. He won't be giving me away next year at my wedding but I dont take it out on my niece or nephew when they talk about him taking them to the zoo tomorrow.

Your dh should get a grip.
I would've told him straight to sort himself out, and apologise to dd.

Thankyou both for replying.
Yes DD is 7. She does have a fairly good concept of death (well as much as she can for her age) , due to my DS (from a previous relationship - obviously) dad dying a year ago, but yes she forgets sometimes. I gently remind her that we can't see him because he has died and talk about the memories she has of him.
I did talk to DH about his response, but I think I went OTT, I told him that if he rarely mentions his mum how can a 7yr old be expected to remember that she is no longer around. His response was that she was thoughtless and his grief for his mum obviously doesn't matter then. I then lost my temper with him
Aussie My mum has now been dead longer than I knew her alive too- it does hurt doesn't it? But I don't tell DD off about it when she asks why she doesn't have a nana.

Your husband was 100% in the wrong here. It is not a immature, developing child's job to "know" how to not make the adult sad. He was giving his child all the blame for his own feelings, and it was not her responsibility to "make him happy", in fact that is a huge pressure. If he has feelings about his mother's death from that long ago, he should really be receiving some counseling from a professional and not taking it out on his family. I would have told him these things once he had calmed down, and to my daughter I would have tried to explain that she had done nothing wrong.

I would tell him he must apologise. She is a child. Dd is 7 and went to both of dhs gps funeral, but sometimes forgets.
He needs some counselling. If i were you i would insist he did this because of his reaction. I feel for him as he is clearly struggling with her death, but he can't act like that. As part of his apology he should tell dd that it makes him sad to think about it but he is going to get some help so he doesn't react like that to her again and that he knows its just a mistake.

At 7, she might have a concept of death, but I remember losing a close family member at that age, and I "knew" I should be sad because I had been 'told so', but really had no real concept of why. Death was not something I grasped at all. It was no different to someone being in a different town, just I couldn't visit them.

My mum died 7 years ago and my little ones ask questions about 'mummy's mummy' quite often. I have explained that she died, but they don't quite understand, bless them.

Imagine if I reacted like your dh every time? What an arse that would make me!

He did apologise. But he did it such a way that I knew it wasn't really an apology, but DD being 7 thought it was.
I have to be honest and admit that I did lose my temper and say that it has been nearly 40years since his mum died so leave DD alone. I don't know. It has made me so sad.

Just to add balance, my DH's Mum died when he was 7. Neither him or his sister would ever react the way your DH has, in fact it is no way a taboo subject. My children will mention relatively often DH's "real Mum" as well as his "step Mum" who they knew. This is despite the fact that until the step Mum died we didn't mention the real one in front of the StepMum (as she had mental health issues and burst into tears if certain topics were mentioned, this is just one of them, another was World War II).

I understand - i think your dh has been very self indulgent indeed.

I think he's wrong to criticise her on the basis that she is being thoughtless- she's 7 and won't understand his feelings and the experience of losing a parent. It's ridiculous to accuse her of that.

This may sound harsh but he sounds a bit immature in how he responded- getting angry and going on about being sad and accusing her of being thoughtless towards him. It just seems odd because it's like he's treating her as if she's an adult on the same level as him. He thinks he can ascribe what would be legitimate criticism of an adult to a 7 year old girl- well, you can't.

daffy No one is expecting DD to be sad about someone who died 30odd years before she was born. I expect her to forget or get confused. I meant that since DS dad died just a year ago and she still forgets, that sometimes it isn't fair that her dad expects her to remember his mum died beofre she was even born.

pictish I quite like my DC asking questions about my mum, it gives me a chance to get her personality across to them as opposed to them just being a faded photo. But if on the rare occasions they ever ask about DHs mum, his replies are always so sad and and depressive that they don't bother asking him again.

Oog I think you have it spot on. He is expecting her to act and think as an adult.

It's interesting how you say Ooga about the DH expecting her to be an adult.

It got me thinking that I have adults say things about my dad as if he is alive. Even people who are well aware he isnt. And I don't talk to them like that.

Would your husband react to adults the same was OP?

X post there a little I think.

My sis in laws dad is a wonderful man. But I sometime get sad that my niece and nephew won't ever get to have the same relationship with my dad. And vice versa.

I love the fact that my brother and sis in law talk about him and make apart of their lives. It is a sign of respect to him.

Fair point Aussie. No he wouldn't. Actually I am more pissed off now because if a friend or acquaintance had made the same mistake I think he would have given them a lot more leeway.

But he does expect her to behave and respond in a way that adults do on many different occasions. He forgets that she is 7.

I think there are times when people (in my experience men, but I don't want to make a sweeping generalisation) DO expect children to behave and think like adults.
There have been times when I have had to remind dh that whatever kid it is that he has these unrealistic expectations of, is not 17, but 7.

How old was DH when his mum died?
I am not excusing his behaviour to your DD- his feelings are not her problem and thats a good lesson for her to learn early on. As is her getting a full genuine apology from him for his being out of line.
But if he was a child when she passed away, its possible that he reacts as a child when talking about it. It sounds quite raw for him actually and needs dealing with.

He was 10. I was 16 when my mum died. Coincidentally both our mums died in similar unusual circumstances. I do feel for him, I really do. He doesn't have all that many memories etc but that isn't our DDs fault.

No it most certainly is not.
He is being an arse.

Agree. How can a seven-year-old be 'thoughtless'?

Your dh does not seem to have dealt with his mother's death very well.
I'd tell him to get counselling for that as it's not healthy.

And never upset DD like that again.

It sounds as if your dh is still grieving (maybe stuck in the grieving process?) but I do think it is unfair for a child to be held responsible for really is only a slip of the tongue.

Fwiw both my mum and my fil are no longer here but we do talk about them regularly in a "oh your dad would have liked that" or "do you remember when ..." kind of way. Ds (2)can identify them from photos although obviously he has no concept of death :) I find it comforting that although they aren't physically here he still knows them a little.

Your poor dd, how confusing and upsetting for her.

Death is as much a part of life as life itself and she is normal, healthy and quite right to expect to be able to talk about it.

Her father's emotional struggles should not be a concern of hers.

For everyone's sakes he needs to face up to his loss and learn to weave it into his life instead of holding everyone hostage.

Thanks everyone for your comments. I knew I wasn't over reacting but I kind of needed it confirmed. DH thinks I am harsh towards him about the way he sometimes speaks to DD so I wanted another opinion.

Thanks again.