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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

once a cheat always a cheat ???

29 replies

cakesaway · 08/06/2012 21:55

I posted here 18 months ago when I found out DH had been unfaithful. Mumsnet helped me massively and we decided to give the relationship another go . Since then I got very ill (stress related ) and he had a nervous breakdown. It took months till we felt 'normal' again and recently things have been better until I found flirtatious emails to a younger work colleague which were obviously encouraged by him. When I challenged him I was made to feel as though I was crazy and started to question my own sanity. Is this acceptable behaviour or not ? I just don't know anymore... perhaps I am overreacting or maybe he is very emotionally naiive. Whatever I find it insulting and deeply hurtful and have told him so. I'm panicing inside wondering if I should just leave and if I can ever trust him again.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 08/06/2012 21:58

'Emotionally naive' my arse! He's a tosser, honey, and if you want to preserve your sanity, you'll toss him out.

ImperialBlether · 08/06/2012 22:11

Get rid. Once you separate, your nervous breakdown will heal and you won't panic again.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:14

what ?

after all you have been through he's at it again ?

and you question yourself ?

christ, he's done a number on you

fgs, dump the twat or be starting threads on here 'til kingdom come entitled "my partner has taken the piss out of my trust 3/4/5/6 times now...is it me and shall I give him another chance ?"

Original poster
cakesaway · 08/06/2012 22:16

We have three children and I came from a broken marriage myself . It's not an easy decision. Is flirtation acceptable or is it disrespectful ? These are private emails that I'm reading. I think I'm just in shock that he would jepourdise everything we've rebuilt for the sake of some ego inflation.

OP posts:
iloveACK · 08/06/2012 22:16

I'm with the others & think Izzy said it perfectly for me. Sorry you're going through this. Sad

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:20

no, that level of flirtation is unacceptable

what on earth made you think it was ok ?

iloveACK · 08/06/2012 22:20

Sorry, cross post but given your history flirtation is not acceptable (we don't have your history & I'd still struggle with flirtation to be acceptable). It's massively disrespectful.

I appreciate 3 children makes things massively difficult but at the end of the day, they need their mum to be ok & being with a disrespectful git won't make you ok.

tribpot · 08/06/2012 22:20

Well, it's your marriage. Do you think flirtation is acceptable or disrespectful? Do you think someone who genuinely regretted their previous infidelity would behave this way a mere 18 months later?

Original poster
cakesaway · 08/06/2012 22:26

I just don't know - he manages to make me feel like I'm being unreasonable. I realise how crazy this sounds.
We are on the brink of buying a house together after renting for two years. It's everything I've wanted for a long time but now I feel sick at the thought of it. I feel so trapped and helpless and have had thoughts of self harm. What do you do when you love someone so much and don't want to break a family up ?

OP posts:
mampam · 08/06/2012 22:28

I agree with tribpot. I could be wrong but someone who is truly sorry for their previous infidelity would be doing all they can to prove themselves worthy of trust not flirting by email (or any other means), they would be concentrating on their marriage.

Something is lacking in his life, I think he may need professional help.

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:28

you leave them anyway

before it destroys you

you certainly don't commit to buying a house together

now is the perfect time to put yourself first, tbh

why wouldn't you ?

Original poster
cakesaway · 08/06/2012 22:31

I agree with you tribpot - does he genuinely regret it ? probably not. There is no excuse for this behaviour. He obviously thought I wouldn't read the mails. Another one I found was to a work colleague whose leaving do he couldn't go to because we were on holiday and blames his 'bloody missus' for booking it behind his back - a total lie. A huge part of me sees sense and the other part wants to keep the family intact.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:33

what "family" is that then ?

Original poster
cakesaway · 08/06/2012 22:37

He tried antidepressants which didn't work and had 'some' counselling. I think he does need professional help and I can't invest any more time or mental space to try and help him. I'm so weary and so shocked I feel sick just thinking about the future.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:39

anti-d's won't work on self-entitled chancers

they will always be inadequate fucks

was he actually depressed ?

mampam · 08/06/2012 22:41

My husband adores me, I adore him, that is how it should be. If he referred to me as his 'bloody missus' and told a lie about me I'd be devestated. But he loves and respects me so he wouldn't dream of talking about me in such a way.

I wonder how much respect he has for you?

Original poster
cakesaway · 08/06/2012 22:46

yes I see your point mampam i really do - i think I'm just frightened of breaking up the family. The break up of my own parents marriage had a massively detrimental effect on two of my siblings and I don't want to put my own kids through that.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:47

you wouldn't be putting your kids through that, he would

whose fault is this ?

have you forgotten ?

AnyFucker · 08/06/2012 22:48

it would be very wrong of you to stay with a cheater "for the sake of the kids"

they won't thank you for it

MissFaversham · 08/06/2012 22:55

OP my friend stayed with someone like you have, she ended up with cancer, now whether that was due to him or not, we can never tell. But I have a strong feeling that it was. GO. Get out

MissFaversham · 08/06/2012 22:56

Oh and by the way he cheated again after she had the tumor removed.

mampam · 08/06/2012 23:11

cakesaway, yes I understand where you are coming from. My exH cheated on me and left to be with the OW. It had a big affect on the DC, 5 and 18 months at the time. I would say it was about a year before things were 'normal' again. Of course it was hard for them at first as it was me but they got used to the way things were, they had to. How old are your DC?

The point I'm trying to make is that the DC will adapt, if that is what you decide to do. Do you think you can find out from your DH what is truly going on? Why he is behaving like this again? Does he truly want to be in this relationship? I think you need to talk frankly with your husband before a decision is made about your relationship.

HRHMissKeithLemon · 09/06/2012 09:18

Forgive me OP if it has already been said, but this is a definite case of leave the bastard

He is not naive, he is a using fuckwit.

Whenthetoadcamehome · 09/06/2012 09:26

He will cheat again given the chance. Fwiw I believe someone who has cheated in a marriage CAN go on to be a faithful partner who sees the error of their ways...but not this man.

I too come from a broken home, so I completely understand your desperation to keep it all together. But I think staying with a man who has so little respect for you will make you so unhappy that this too could have a detrimental effect hyoid kids. Imagne them turning to you and saying 'I'm never getting married because marriage makes you unhappy and hate one another and cheat'.

You deserve more, and now, whilst you are mortgGe free, would be the least complicated time to do it. Please don't stay with this idiot for your kids, they honestly won't thank you for it IMO.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 09/06/2012 09:31

It's not 'once' a cheat, is it? You've found out about one affair, you suspect another and the chances are that this is his default setting and he's never been faithful for very long at all. Taking him back has been interpreted as you being OK with his behaviour. Contempt is a horrible thing and you can be in a 'broken home' quite easily, even if you're under the same roof.... he is not worth making yourself ill.