The kids meeting the OW - how soon is too soon?

[desperategit]

Previously posted about my situation. Generally ok but increasingly distant sexless marriage. Shared responsibility for this right up until I had an affair 2 years ago. So now I am totally in the wrong.

I am about to move out. No idea if my relationship with the OW will last. I really hope so. But I love my kids and want to stay in their lives, and if the OW is in my life too that presents issues.

My kids are 11 and 16. The 16 year old will get to make up his own mind if he even wants to see me, let alone who he wants to meet. Same for the OWs grown-up children. And I do want to listen to my wife's views.

So I'd value the views of people who have been through this about how soon is too soon to even suggest that the 11 year old might meet the OW? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year?

And feel free to flame. I deserve it. But I have been the child meeting my father's OW and she became something good in my life.

I am about to move out. No idea if my relationship with the OW will last

No introduction as a partner, friend yes, partner no, until you are sure she will last.

Your childrens lives are about to be turned upside down. They do not need your relationship shit to deal with on top of that.

It's you that moving out - do remember that it s your STB ExW who pick up the day to day crap; the school who will pick up more crap and all the ancillary services involved.

No one can say what is too soon in your situation. Imo thinking about it before you even move out is too soon. Yes the OW will be part of your life but introducing them for that reason is too soon. I am sure the 11 year old is old enough to make the decision as well.
Imo you shouldn't even be planning this yet. You should be planning how to be a good dad when not living in the home, first. If that means missing time with your OW that's tough.
I also think you should be more considerate of your wifes feelings. They are her children and, lets be honest, you have betrayed her. Her feelings should count for something.

Very fair. I'm in no hurry. Just interested in views. Being a dad comes first.

Yes agree with other posters. A specified amount of time is ridiculous. What matters is whether the OW is enough part of your life that she should become part of you family's life and how your children have adjusted to the new set up. You need to give them time to get to know you as a dad living out of the home and get comfortable with the new situation. If the 16 year old want nothing to do with you right now you need to work on this first. Forget OW issues she is insignificant to your family relationships right now.

And I would not recommend introducing her at all not even as a friend. I think the wife would find that very difficult to deal with and there is no reason at all why your children need to meet her. Until there is they shouldnt. It will likely be difficult for them.

Is there a reason your eldest was 17 earlier this year? Slightly confused as children don't usually drop a year.

Also can I ask why you seem to want to disregard your stb xw feelings?

Am so glad you are thinking this through, so often men in this situation don't do this as they are very wrapped up in themselves or say crass things. Your dcs need to get used to seeing you without their mother. That is hard to come to terms with in itself. And then they will just want time with you. How you treat your wife will also determine their relationship.

You don't know if the relationship with the OW has legs and it will take months to play itself out, getting through testing times like Christmas etc. Don't introduce your dcs until you are on sure ground.

Sorry missed a bit: How you treat your wife will also determine their relationship with you

I wouldnt do it until you really know that you are going to be an item long term.

Dont underestimate how much your kids will pick up on what has been going on and expect your wife to be pissed off. I was really angry to find my ex cosied up with OW and my poor kids just days after he left, and I flamed him for it as it upset the children. They didnt like her and liked GF no 2 even less. He also split with her shortly after and is now on relationship no3 (who is lovely thankfully), so not much of a role model for them really.

So my advice, concentrate on trying to be a better dad, rather than a sad old midlife crisis git

Just to tell you, the day my children (younger than yours @ 11 and 9) met my ex's partner (same situation where an affair ended the marriage) they were shaking so much they couldn't put their coats on. It's not an easy thing to do - they don't know what's in store for them and worry about having to speak to someone who (in their eyes) has caused the end of their parents' marriage.

I would leave it a long time, tbh. Let them recover from the separation before they have to get used to meeting another woman.

Dprince

Fair point. The age isnt exactly accurate because I don't want to hurt my wife more by making things identifiable to any of my STBex s friends if they post here. I want her to control what information people know about her.

I do want to listen to what my kids and STBex W say. I don't think she gets to veto contact forever. If you read the OP it says "suggest" not "insist".

My DP introduced me to his kids pretty early on - maybe 6 weeks or so - but they were aware he had been seeing someone and were really curious to meet me. As it happens, our relationship seems to be holding up and we've been together nearly 10 years now.
However, I wasn't party to their parents splitting up, which I think maybe does alter things a bit.

What do your kids know? Do they know you have met someone new? Do they know this new relationship has had a bearing on their parents splitting up?

to be honest I was willing to go with this even though it shows an incredible lack of concern/prioritising of the children UNTIL that last very defensive post. Either you would like advice or not desperategit. YOU like OW, your children will only have feelings of sadness and fear about her. I am pretty irritated that you need to be told this and that you are defensive about hearing it. Go ahead and put an arbitrary time limit on it for your own comfort. It isn't about you and STBX having a tug of war it is about how your children feel about what has happened and now being pulled in two different directions by the people they love most. ANYTHING you can do to reasonably reduce their hurt is what you should do.

It also says 'i do not want to listen to my wifes views'. Now I may have misinterpreted your post but I read that as 'i do not want to listen to my wifes views' not ' I do want to listen to my wife's views'
Silly me!

I think there is a difference between introducing a new gf to introducing the OW.

Dprince

Do you want to read my OP again? It doesnt say that But am I considering her enough? Probably not.

I think you need to consider your wifes views, partly also because how she feels/reacts will also impact on the children and possibly your relationship with them (I can't see in your post where you are disputing that though...) but I also agree that she has no right to veto the meeting either.

Well don't I look a tit. Sorry.
Have you actually discussed this with your wife? if so what are her views? And why is the 11 year old deemed too young to make his own mind up. His opinion would be taken into account at a custody hearing so , imo they are old enough to make the decision. Not suggesting it will get to that just talking generally. Do the kids know the situation?

I don't think you should set a time limit at all Tbh.

Things should always be for the child's benefit if you can help it. Just thinking it is funny you are asking "I'm about to move out when can I introduce OW, not sure if she's sticking around but 3 months?" not "about to move out, how can I make sure my children deal as well as they can with this". Makes me lack sympathy for you and your extremely insignificant OW issues.

offred I'd like the OW to be around forever. And we are committed to a LTR together. Ironically it is me who now worries if things will last.

But you are right. No point in hurting kids by introducing them to someone who is not going to be around. And how the kids will react to the whole issue is the one thing which concerns, worries and scares me. Again, I've been that kid.

I will reiterate: how you treat your wife will determine much of your relationship with your dcs. And assuming she is going to have much of the care of the children on her own, the day-to-day parenting, meeting your financial obligations and treating the mother of your children with respect and courtesy is essential. They are going to have their world shaken. Meeting the OW should not even be on the agenda.

See that is still OW focused to me. It is not about how long she will be around, only time will tell. You should be actually focused on the dcs not just saying you are while what you are thinking about is OW. I understand this too, it is nice when you have a new relationship but please try to check yourself and remember OW is insignificant here, your dcs are what is important. I'm not into pandering to unreasonable demands from an x but equally not into doing needless and selfish things that will just piss them off. You need to respect her even if you don't love we anymore.

But why when you've been that "kid" have you let history repeat itself in a way??