The kids meeting the OW - how soon is too soon?

[desperategit]

Previously posted about my situation. Generally ok but increasingly distant sexless marriage. Shared responsibility for this right up until I had an affair 2 years ago. So now I am totally in the wrong.

I am about to move out. No idea if my relationship with the OW will last. I really hope so. But I love my kids and want to stay in their lives, and if the OW is in my life too that presents issues.

My kids are 11 and 16. The 16 year old will get to make up his own mind if he even wants to see me, let alone who he wants to meet. Same for the OWs grown-up children. And I do want to listen to my wife's views.

So I'd value the views of people who have been through this about how soon is too soon to even suggest that the 11 year old might meet the OW? 3 months, 6 months, 1 year?

And feel free to flame. I deserve it. But I have been the child meeting my father's OW and she became something good in my life.

*her

offred thanks. That's useful and fair.

twiggy71 I wish it was something I could have prevented. But the marriage has been doomed for years for reasons I mentioned on another thread. There have been some very happy times, and to regret the marriage would be to regret my kids, which I don't. I was over 40 when my youngest was born. I'll be retired by the time they have left home. There was never going to be a good time to leave. Having been that kid has perhaps led to me staying longer than I should have. :(

Thanks to everyone. The consensus seems to be that however much I might normally like to plan things, I need to be real and wait and see how things go.

I think there are some rather harsh views being aired here which seems a bit unfair given the OP is being pretty open and asking for advice.
You cannot prevent some marriages failing - my parents are divorced, my partner is divorced from his previous wife - did they all want that to happen when they got married? I suspect not. Are they all terrible people? No, but people change and people make mistakes.
I also think saying that the OW is irrelevant is naive and unkind too. She is very much a reality of the current situation, which the kids, the OP and the ex-wife will need to reconcile with.
My advice to you OP, would be to show to the kids that you accept your culpability in the situation (not the same as saying accept all the blame - it generally takes two people to make a relationship fail, the fault is rarely all on one side) never criticise your ex to the kids, but don't be ashamed of your new partner either. Hopefully this new relationship will work out for you, and if that is the case, this woman will be a part of your childrens lives in the future.
Keeping them from meeting for a long time may not be the right thing to do either.
I asked earlier - what do the kids know at this point about the OW?

I wouldn't be led by your STBEX but by your children. They will be hurt and upset, and see the OW in negative terms, at least initially. But time passes, and you can spend time with them just as their dad, if that's what they want and as more time passes, and their anger/feelings die down a bit and they see that you will still be there for them for their whole lives, they will soften and meeting her will be ok.

I didn't speak to my dad for two years after he left my mum, in a very hurtful and destuctive way. Don't expect children to know your marriage was cold and sexless, that's only your interpretation anyway, and your wife might have been very surprised and upset by your decision to have an affair and leave. I really felt defensive and protective for my mum, and didn't see my dad for a couple of years, however after that, we did build up a relationship and I met his OW who I have now known for 15 odd years and is very much part of my and my children's lives.

He's still a cheater though, even now, I think the OW got a poor deal.

My ex introduced our daughter to hs new girlfriend after three months, but I didn't find out about this for another six months - our daughter was confused and I was devastated. This still has a impact four years later.

I agree that time limits don't make much sense, but i would imagine that if you do it within weeks rather than months it will compound the feeling of hurt. Of course, you are not in a relationship with your ex and I know a lot ofpeople have the view that she isn't entitled to a view and should just move on.

But frankly that is unrealistic bollocks. I was glad to leave my ex but it was still a blow to learn he had met someone else and introduced her to our daughter behind my back.

I think all you can do is be honest and sensitive. If she hasn't met anyone else, she may well also be feeling jealous and resentful that you have - I know my misery was greatly compounded by being full time single parent and imagining him swanning off with new girlfriend.

Anything that you do which involves your children remains to some extent her business. She doesn't get to veto contact but if you act too quickly and lack sensitivity you will proabably do irreparable harm to any future hope of friendship.

Beamur - completely disagree. The OW is irrelevant to the DCs, she is very relevant to the op and that's where the difficulties arise. There is no reason at all why the dcs have to have anything at all to do with an ow that the op is currently unsure about. When the dcs have adjusted to the new situation and built a relationship with their dad as a dad out of the home then if the ow is significant it would be perfectly reasonable to introduce her as part of his life but now it would be silly.

My DD (4) recently met the OW - much sooner than I had planned. I'd told DD that daddy had a new girlfriend, etc, so she wasn't shocked or upset. I think it will have more to do with your ongoing relationship with your wife, really, and how much you respect her feelings.

I have been furious with my ex but his relationship with our DD is outside of any issues I have with him which is why I "allowed" the meeting (and I was asked). It was about 5 months after we'd finally split although I'd known about her for longer and he'd been shagging her seeing her for a year before that. I will not, yet, agree to her staying at his house with OW and her son there. I am working up to that.

as a STBXW who is dealing with an OW situation, I can tell you what's going through my mind... It may help, it may not. Only you will know what advice is going to sink in and what isn't.

1. Do you see OW as a potential step mum already? Why (or why not)?

I ask this because your ex-wife will no doubt be terrified that you are not only leaving her for a new partner, but be lining up her replacement as a mum. How your kids feel about your OW will not matter in one sense to your ex on this issue. It's truly going to be a case of 'worst case scenario' in her head, no matter what you think. If you ever loved her, and still respect her, I suggest you take this fear seriously - how you and OW conduct yourselves re: meeting the kids will either reassure and calm her, or embitter and devastate her. And ultimately, how your ex feels will impact your kids perception of OW.

I personally feel my STBXH has every right to a relationship with his OW that has nothing to do with me, but shagging my H doesn't make her a step mum. It's quite hard to put into words how strong that feeling is. I feel her place in my H's life is a fait accompli, but her place in my kids lives has to be earned. She's not earned my trust or respect by her conduct so far, therefore she (and my H) have to work very hard to earn it now. All I know about her right now is that she shat on my family (clearly not as much as my H, who bears the majority of the blame, but even so - knowingly). So feeling that she will become 'something good' in their lives will take time. Not their idea of 'time' incidentally, my idea of time. EG my H thinks it's been a long term relationship because he counts the months of their affair. But I only know about it from the day I found out - which feels very much briefer.

I know you are more interested in your kids feelings than your ex-wife's, fair enough. But as has been mentioned up-thread her feelings will influence their daily care/experience of this break up as they will be living with her, so I would suggest you treat them initially as one and the same thing. Also, educate yourself on putting your children first as much as you can. If your OW is serious about being involved in your kids lives too (and as she has her own kids herself) it's probably a good thing if she reads up on the issues too.

FWIW I believe that the book I've linked (which was recommended to me by the good folk on the step-parenting board!) suggests that OW/affair partners wait around 2 years to be introduced as a step-parent/partner (as a pose to mummy or daddy's friend) because statistically speaking, most affair relationships fail within 18 months of 'going legit'. This isn't a judgement on the likelihood of your relationship to succeed, but something to bear in mind. While you have doubts yourself, exercise caution. In the long run, it matters not a jot if your OW has a relationship long term with your kids. It matters a great deal whether or not you do.

Should probably qualify what I have written with my experience so you can see where my biases etc may be. My xp was abusive, the relationship was a mess, he left to live with about 25th OW after he raped me and I got pg with dd1. He denied that's what happened (the cheating not the rape funnily enough) he had taken ds1 out to the pub with her before we split the one time he ever looked after him on his own (and only after I walked out). He was not willing to parent ds, still isn't, ignores dd, wanted to get OW to look after them during contact. He was made to see them for a while by himself in a contact centre and they got some things out of this until that finished and he had to make an effort. He has never made an effort. The OW stuck by him and was absolutely lovely to the dcs and I was really grateful for the stability she provided but he cheated on her with his current gf and the current one is very mousey and not mothery so my perspective is that an ow can have a good impact in a reconstituted family when she is a stable influence but that the dcs relationship with their father is what matters and nothing can replace this. If the dcs had been introduced to ow and then he'd cheated and left a few months later or they'd have split up it would have been very bad for them. My dcs were tiny but I think it still applies. Stability is what matters to children of any age.