Good and bad points in my relationship please help!

[calmbeforethestorm]

I just need a little advice here.
Im not happy and dont know why?
Iv been married 8 years and with DH for 11 we have 3 children together. A nice home. We struggle with finances a little but who doesnt. He works full time and I work part time.
Can I list good points to what I feel are bad?
Good:
He is from a religious background, so a calm man.
He is good looking.
Hard worker, always worked.
He is liked.
He helps bath our daughters a couple of times a week and does the bed time routine (gets a little stressed whilst doing it)
He doesnt drink, swear or smoke.
He never shouts.
Hes so layed back he could go backwards sometimes.
He says he loves me if I ask him.

Bad:
He doesnt have much to say, on anything really. Whats going on in the world. News. Latest films that are out. Visiting new places. Nothing really interests him apart from football.
He is on his laptop alot. When I come home from work hes sat on fb or something else.
He played football on mothers day (this did upset me)
He goes crazy if I swear (tells me off) I dont swear a great deal, actually almost never now.
I had bad pregnancies and was in and out of hospital and he was so stressed about that.
Fell asleep during my labour.
Always seems to care what other people think of him, trying to impress others rather than me.
Doesnt ever cook.
Never cleans.
Never decorates.
Only cuts the grass when Iv asked about 5 times.
Always says our home isnt homely.
Never surprises me in anyway (he blames money which I guess is the issue here)

I must add I suffered terrible PD and was probably not so nice to live with. Also our DC have never slept well so we sleep in separate rooms (No sex at all) I cant bring myself to at all. I dont feel attracted to him that way and dont know why.
I have spoken to him many times about how sad I am about our marriage but he doesnt really respond he just says its lack of money etc.

I wonder do my good out weigh my bad or vise versa? Do we need to go our separate ways?

I sometimes sit and think of what life would be like if it was just me and my DC! I cant help but feel my marriage is weighing me down.

He sounds like what people refer to as a "Mans Man" which equates to a lazy sexist pig really.

perhaps some relate counselling might be in order before things slip any further.

Sorry OP, didn't mean to sound so blunt but the older I get less tollerant I become towards these typical types of men. In my opinion he will never change so it's either a case of put up and shut up or get shot.

MissFaver... I guess from what I have wrote he comes accross as this. He works hard though at work I mean.
pink.. I have suggested this but he doesnt seem to think we need it. He says its money why we cant do things together and why he doesnt surprise me etc. The sex thing he just lives with. We are young though, we should still have a pretty good sexual relationship surely. I feel like I have gone over and over these issues with him but nothing changes. Its like he thinks we are married now so no effort required. This makes me want to give up too.

Thats ok MissFaver everyone is entitled to their opinion and I appreciate all as Im really not happy and its driving me quite nuts. People do say the grass isnt always greener right?

Well, looking at your list, he seems perfectly "nice"; nice of course equates to a bit boring, but in my experience boring doesnt gamble, drink, cheat, knock you about, keep you short of money deliberately.

On the bad list - how DARE he be stressed about you being ill! I think you would find far more to complain about if he didnt give a toss.

Frankly, you don't fancy him, hence sleeping in different rooms and no sexual contact. He's done nothing wrong apart from being, well, boring. What has he got to look forward to when he comes home? A wife who seems to have little affection for him and has produced a mind boggling list of petty complaints.

So to sum up, you dont fancy him. You wont sleep with him. You have distanced yourself from him. So leave him. Sorry to be so blunt. Let him find someone who will appreciate him for what he is

OP so what if he works, he should and surprises cost very little, a bunch of flowers for instance to say thank you for being a fab mum and taking care of the home etc. Little things matter hugely otherwise all these things mount up to a big thing.

As I said before you've got what you've got.

He also sounds like a total bore to be honest.

(I know coz I'm biding my time with one exactly like yours. I've become rather mercinary now and am building up my coffers for a little bit longer then he's being thrown back into the pond).

Boring doesnt gamble, drink,cheat etc!
He comes home to his wife (one that looks after herself) that has had 3 of his children, who cooks cleans keeps a lovely clean home. Tea on the table. I also work. When you get nothing back I dont sit there thinking well at least he doesnt cheat, gamble, or kicks my arse every so often.

Exactly Calm. Like I said he's a boring sexist pig and you really don't have to waste the rest of your life with someone like this.

It doesn't sound like you are well-matched.

Its def the little things MissFaver. I dont want fancy jewellery or expensive gifts. A nice bunch of flowers or a bubble bath for when I get home from work. Just a best friend I guess someone to feel safe with. I feel like his mother most times. I sort out finances etc as he doesnt understand anything to do with them. I organise everything!

Nope, Im not getting the sexist thing here at all. I'm picturing a bit of a bewildered bore who cant understand why he's doing everything a decent man would do for his family, is being emotionally cut off by his wife.

Why would you bring home a bunch of daffs for someone who has emotionally pushed you out? There is no relationship IMHO; there is no bed shared, no conversation, no similarity - it's two sad people living in the same house keeping up a facade of being married.

The fact that he doesn't do anything around the house and the fact that he is totally unwilling to put any effort into improving the relationship are both pretty intolerable in my view.

Um, not getting the sexist bit..

He helps bath our daughters a couple of times a week and does the bed time routine (gets a little stressed whilst doing it)

Doesnt ever cook.
Never cleans.
Never decorates.
He goes crazy if I swear (tells me off)
Nothing really interests him apart from football.

Bet he says he won't do "womens" work

Seriously Jumping? So you think it's ok for a man never ever to cook or clean or do anything around the house and then to complain that the house isn't "homely" whatever the fuck that means?

"The fact that he doesn't do anything around the house and the fact that he is totally unwilling to put any effort into improving the relationship are both pretty intolerable in my view."
Agree 100%. He's not acting like a husband.

But are you acting like a wife?

What does "acting like a wife" mean Sallying?

No wonder the OP has withdrawn emotionally. When the other shows none this is what happens over time.

Yes, my eyes widened at the "acting like a wife" thing. Bloody hell Sally, are you conditioned?

peabody.. No I dont for him either anymore as he has given up so why should I. I have said so many times what I want and asked what he wants but he doesnt comment on much. Its hard to describe but he a little emotionally constipated. Nothing phases him. Just after my 3rd pregnancy I had a bit of a scare where my nipple was inverted. My nan had breast cancer and this is how they found hers. Anyway I stayed quite calm, my mum and sister were a bit of a mess. It was over christmas so I tryed not to think too much about it. My H said nothing. Nothing at all. It turned out it was a milk duct sucking in the nipple. I remember then feeling the relief but also thinking I didnt feel any kind of support from my own husband. I just thought ok he doesnt know how to act.
MissFaver... This is what I question.
Lizz... I feel I have changed since we first met. People grow. I dont want to change who he is as its who he is. Maybe we have grown apart.

I don't think this sounds like something you could 'never change' but I do think it's something that needs a bit of work.

Surprising you doesn't have to cost money. My DH sometimes runs a lovely hot bath and lights candles when the kids are in bed and we'll have a glass of wine and chat. He'll make a nice dinner for just us (when kids are in bed) or he'll light the fire and we'll cosy up and watch a movie. They're just little things but it's the making the effort that's the point.

I think it's quite easy to just get into a rut when you have kids and kind of forget about each other. We've had times where we feel like we're just kind of drifting along together in the same house. What gets us through it is recognising what's happening, talking about it and then we both make more of an effort to make time for each other.

I think you need to sit down and have a proper chat and make sure he takes it seriously and understands how you're feeling - that you'd almost be better off without him. It may come as a shock to him that you feel like that and you may be surprised by what he'll do to fix it when you flag it up.

X post with others.

Have you had "chats" with him OP? I've had countless ones, to many to care to remember really, they seem to buck up for 5 minutes then revert back to being 2 dimensional again.