Good and bad points in my relationship please help!

[calmbeforethestorm]

I just need a little advice here.
Im not happy and dont know why?
Iv been married 8 years and with DH for 11 we have 3 children together. A nice home. We struggle with finances a little but who doesnt. He works full time and I work part time.
Can I list good points to what I feel are bad?
Good:
He is from a religious background, so a calm man.
He is good looking.
Hard worker, always worked.
He is liked.
He helps bath our daughters a couple of times a week and does the bed time routine (gets a little stressed whilst doing it)
He doesnt drink, swear or smoke.
He never shouts.
Hes so layed back he could go backwards sometimes.
He says he loves me if I ask him.

Bad:
He doesnt have much to say, on anything really. Whats going on in the world. News. Latest films that are out. Visiting new places. Nothing really interests him apart from football.
He is on his laptop alot. When I come home from work hes sat on fb or something else.
He played football on mothers day (this did upset me)
He goes crazy if I swear (tells me off) I dont swear a great deal, actually almost never now.
I had bad pregnancies and was in and out of hospital and he was so stressed about that.
Fell asleep during my labour.
Always seems to care what other people think of him, trying to impress others rather than me.
Doesnt ever cook.
Never cleans.
Never decorates.
Only cuts the grass when Iv asked about 5 times.
Always says our home isnt homely.
Never surprises me in anyway (he blames money which I guess is the issue here)

I must add I suffered terrible PD and was probably not so nice to live with. Also our DC have never slept well so we sleep in separate rooms (No sex at all) I cant bring myself to at all. I dont feel attracted to him that way and dont know why.
I have spoken to him many times about how sad I am about our marriage but he doesnt really respond he just says its lack of money etc.

I wonder do my good out weigh my bad or vise versa? Do we need to go our separate ways?

I sometimes sit and think of what life would be like if it was just me and my DC! I cant help but feel my marriage is weighing me down.

Ok jumping... I did not emotionally cut him off. I suffered PD yes!! I agree this was probably not so nice for him. He gave up long before this.
He said it was never homely. Dont know why. Its quite a small house I guess. Its clean and tidy and ours so have no clue. He never wants to do anything to change howhe feels about it so what can I do.
Yes MissFaver this is why! Its all been happening over time and now I feel the way I do.
Maybe Im not being a proper wife anymore. He is not all to blame now I guess. I dont want to sleep with him cos I dont fancy him anymore. He doesnt make me sit and think oh I love this man and he probably thinks the same about me too cos yes I have now given up.

We want them to have soem sort of or brain enhancement that's what we want Shove a few more layers in there somewhere.

Bumble yes thats what I want but he wont do it. Iv suggested things but nothing changes. Iv honestly spoken to him so many times.
Pea I dont mean to come accross childish what I mean is Iv given up also. As Iv addressed the issue time after time. I dont know what else to do.
I have thought about if he doesnt fight yes, but I would class this as not fighting. The end result would be just letting go.

Yes this is what I was afraid to read. Thanks for all of your comments :)

You're where I was a year ago OP.

I used to do lovely things for him, now I do nowt (same as he's always done). A few more months and he will be gone, I actually now think he's a fool to be honest. Let someone else put up with him want to fall asleep the minute he opens his mouth

You can only bring a horse to water you can never make them drink it.

MissFaver.. Good luck to you and thanks for your comments. Im not saying he is all to blame. I feel like we have both given up. Its just the being brave bit and letting go now. Its so sad. Your right you cant change people its only if they want to change.

Good luck to you also OP, yes it is sad but thats life really and as far as we know we only have one. Living it in some sort of limbo isn't the way to go.

Hopefully, by the sounds of it you will be able to come to some amicable end.

Take care sweetheart x

Thankyou Miss Faver :) You too x

"What does "acting like a wife" mean Sallying?"

I'm doing what I always try to do, even though it isn't always popular, which is to try to understand the other person's point of view. That doesn't mean to accept it, but to know what they are thinking in order to fully understand the situation.

The OP says they sleep in separate rooms and "(No sex at all) I cant bring myself to at all. I dont feel attracted to him that way"

We know there are reasons for that (although the OP says "dont know why.") but from the DH's point of view he has a mother for his children and someone to keep the house clean, but not a wife. So looking from his point of view he has reason not to bother with some of the things a husband might reasonably be expected to do.

So each side has reasons (in their view) to consider that they don't have a husband/wife. And if they are not able to work out a comfortable arrangement to live in this way there is only one thing to do and that is to separate.

Lets rewind however many years. What attracted you to him originally? Is any of that still there? People rarely change over night so I'm guessing he was always calm, stable.

What is you want?

Do you think life will be nicer, more exciting on your own? What are you going to tell your child in years to come? Oh I left Daddy because he was boring and didn't cut the grass? I would sincerely doubt it would be a bed of roses going forward on your own - unless of course Mr Exciting turns up, with a bunch of daffs, mows the lawn, hoovers, whips up a mean spag bol AND still has time for a knee trembler to make your heart flutter between bathing the baby and stacking the dishwasher.

Your description of Mr Exciting sounds a lot like my DH Jumping (without doing it all once of course!). Men who surprise you with little things, pull their weight, are good in bed and look after the children do exist.

Exactly Cailin, no one has to settle for mind numbing sexists.

I see where your coming from Sally.
Jumping... Yes I was attracted to him. We were alot younger then and people grow and somehow change with age. I have maybe he hasnt.
I want some one that makes me feel good, safe and a best friend I guess. You may not agree but its what I want and what I feel I deserve. Yes he deserves someone that can love him but I do too.
The reasons you give are what you read from this thread, its not how it is. If we are not happy then the children will surely pick up on this.
I dont know what life will bring on my own but Mr exciting wouldnt even be considered as if I separate from my H I will be on my own. I dont think the grass is greener but its not so green this side and when you feel lonely in your own marriage you question it.

Im glad you have a Mr exciting Cailin.
This is true MissFaver noone should settle and Im not just speaking for me for him also. We are obviously not bringing out the good in eachother anymore.

Sounds like you're now ready for a "grown up relationship" OP as I am at the grand old age of nearly 50! Also, now rather relish the thought out being on my own rather than being with someone just because I made my bed and need to like in it, oh no I don't. It's taken me this ruddy long! I came from a generation that said "Bless him, he's only a man" well F that

lie in it of course multitasking here badly!

Anecdotal story coming up. I had a friend once, when we were both very young. She married a very boringstaid accountant. Absolute sterotype of boringness. She went on a course, overseas and backed a weeks holiday on the tail end of the course. Met a rather (again sterotypical) well endowed black scuba instructor. Had a week of shagging her brains until she was bandy.

Got off the plane, announced to her DH , at the airport whilst picking her up that he was boring, uptight and she was leaving him for this scuba instructor and would he drop her off at her fathers house?

Books a flight straight back to Fantasy Land where of course the undying love the scuba instructor promised was being lavished upon another unwitting soul.

The accountant begged her to come back, repair the marriage, he would change and be a little more adventurous in his outlook. But she wasn't having any of that.

I don't see her any more or keep in touch. Not through any falling out, we just changed jobs, moved round and life priorities change.

The accountant is remarried to Mrs Twinset&Pearls

Last I heard, she was on her 3rd, maybe 4th husband. Generally the same pattern follows: West African looking for a visa student; she get hooked up with the excitement of it all, gets married again, they leave her after a British passport has arrived while.

In the nicest possible way, it's going to be hard to keep hooking a 20-something for excitement when your 50 odd. But its her life and I respect her choices.

So the moral of all this is: The grass isn't always greener on the otherside.

I don't think the OP is looking for all this sort of excitement Jumping, she's sick and tired of being with an emotional vacuum who sees it as a "woman's" job to be his skivvy!

I'm not sure how relevant your story is Jumping. The OP isn't planning on leaving her husband for a scuba instructor. He isn't just "boring," he is uncommunicative and doesn't do anything in the house. He's a rubbish husband and there's no reason the OP has to put up with that.

Jumping I know the grass isnt always greener. I get that!
Im not for one minute looking to replace my H for anyone. Your friend did what she had to do its not what I need to do, or thinkinking of doing.
What MissFaver and Cailin says. Im not looking for Mr scuba instructor. I want my husband to be able to show emotion, communicate with me and make me feel like Im there. It might be too late as if this was going to happen it would of. Maybe I cant find it in me to change it now. I cant see him being any different. Its like asking yourself when do you completely give up for everyones sake.

I thought it was rather a good anecdote on The Grass being Greener.

I'm a great believer in you only get out of a relationship what you put into it.

When people post on forums, you also only see a tiny snapshot of their lives. Plus it is only the snap shot they want you to see. Always two sides to every story.

I would hate it if the Ops relationship has bit the dust, because fundamentally both she and the DH are decent people who probably both need a kick up the arse and to start valuing each other a bit more.

None of us are mind readers. How does the DH know the OP is unhappy that he doesnt cook etc. Op! Have you told him that Saturday night is his cooking night? It's very easy to just trundle along in a river of monotony for the sake of keeping the equilibrium.

I thought it was a good anecdote on Someone Making Rash Decisions. It doesn't relate much at all the OP's situation.

OP, what about going to the next level at the moment. How about asking for a separation which will help you both sort things out in your heads?

I completely understand the grass isnt greener bit. I also understand there are 2 sides to each story and I guess you only have mine. I have good and bad points too. Yes we get what we put into our relationships but the issue here is what he hasnt put in has led me to also give up.
I have told him many times that our marriage needs both of us, lets please not give up. I tell him how lucky we are to have a home and 3 gorgeous children. Iv told him Im lonely. Iv asked him to cook. He just says he cant cook. He says we dont have money. He doesnt think our home is homely. Hes happy to go to work, play footie on a saturday, watch tv and not have to communicate too much with his wife. The whole sex thing seems to be fine too.
Sometimes I think right it might be me will make more of an effort and try and try but when you get nothing back its so soul destroying. The longer it has gone on it has sucked every bit of emotional energy out of me.