Can marriage really survive an affair?

[BrokenWings]

My H had an affair almost a year ago. After initially seperating I decided to give our marriage another go, but I am finding it increasingly difficult.
I am not sure whether its just the timing or more, I am finding myself looking back to where we were a year ago and suddenly something new pops up, I'm replaying converstions in my head and am still trying to make things "fit".
I am still incredibly angry with him for doing this to us, I can't bare him touching me, everything he does annoys me...I'm terrified I don't love him anymore. He was my best friend and I never ever imagined our life would go this way.

I don't trust my judgement anymore, I don't know if I'm over or under reacting to the things he does. For example we were watching a film the other day and when women came on in skimpy outfits he was like "I knew I loved this film..now I remember why"...he does this alot....now it makes me feel ugly whereas before the affair, I'd laugh it off...A friend who was with us at the time was like "WTF?" and she said to me afterwards if her H had cheated on her she'd hate to hear him talk about other women like that. I just ignored it, Its something he's always done, he has a very immature "laddish" sense of humour, I can't suddenly ask him to change that or even expect him too? It's him. In counselling it came out that this was how the affair started, with inappropriate jokey comments which grew and grew and were then acted on. Its this thoughtlessness that makes me nervous for the future, I'm not sure he's taken on board what came out at the sessions.

We have 2 young DC, 1 of which has been very ill and almost lost his life and we are now looking at a SN diagnosis. I have recently lost someone very close to me and am going through a restructure process at work. I feel attacked at every angle and the person who I would normally turn to for support..well...he hurt me the most. I can't go through this alone, I don't want my marriage to end. I honestly don't, for all I'm angry with him, I don't want to lose him, Yet I know I am pushing him away. I just want things to get better and I don't know how to do it.

What am I doing wrong to feel like this still after almost a year, surely we should be in a better place than we are, I feel stuck in loop, the pain and anger is almost as bad as it was when I found him out. I know there are alot of affair threads on here so I was hoping some of you that had gone through it and stayed together could help me by giving me some advice.
Thank you.
Ps. Having read some of the threads on here I know "not just friends" is more often than not the advised reading - I already have it x

Yes it can survive.

I had an affair just over 4 years ago I wish I hadn't but I did.

We separated for approx 3 Mths, we decided to give it another go.

4 years and 2 more DCs later we are stronger than ever.

It's not easy, it takes time and a whole lot of effort - but we both felt we had something worth fighting for.

Trust takes a long time to be rebuilt -we're still working on that, but we'll get there.

Hi Brokenwings, it's as if you are in my mind. My H confessed nearly a year ago, we are trying to sort things out. But like you I still get angry, well it's more lost and lonely. I still have questions, I suppose they'll never be answered and he no longer wants to talk about it. He regrets it so much and is embarrassed by his actions. Some days I want it all over, want a fresh start. I want the world to know what he and the OW did to me and the DC. Other days I do see a brighter future, together, but it's going to take some time - if we get there at all.
Good luck to you. Keep me posted.

PS Also have a DS about to be diagnosed with ? something SEN

Would you still want your marriage to work if you didn't have children?

A marriage can survive, and indeed be stronger after an affair, but only if both partners are committed and prepared to move on from it.

If your H has cut all contact with the OW and devoted himself 100% to working on his marriage to you, then he is committed and prepared to move on.

From your OP it sounds as if you are not quite there. You cannot have a successful marriage with a man you cannot bear to touch you, where everything he does annoys you, and whose jokey comments grate on your nerves.

Do you want your marriage to succeed? If not, separate and move on. If you do, commit fully, and work on your issues. Talk to your H, relax around him, allow him physical closeness and try not to be annoyed by him.

Talking through the reasons for an affair, and resolving these can make a partnership stronger as it brings festering issues out into the open and clears past misunderstanding.

I say this on all these threads

and yes, they pop up with depressing regularity

it's ok to walk away

you don't have to forgive

just because you've tried to get over it for a while doesn't mean you have to carry on

you can stop any time you like

Brokenwings, on a good day I work on what I know is good and right between us. We'll have a good family day out, make decisions today, spend time without the DC etc. Days/hours without the children are always good, I moment to slow down and relax. I am realistic... it will never be what it was, it will be different, possibly better.

I find the trust the hardest. We are working on that.

What is your H doing to help you recover? Re-established your relationship?

It sounds like you're having a hell of a rough time, and not having the person you need for support there, because he's the one who's the source of so much pain - well, that must be hideous. You have bucketloads of sympathy - not that that will help.

But what AF says is right - you have as much power as he does. You don't have to forgive - sometimes it just isn't possible. And that's fine. Terribly sad, but fine.

You imply you've had counselling together - would counselling on your own help?

I second counselling on your own to explore your own feelings.

I also second AF about you can change your mind at any time, took me a long time to get there, but finally realised it was unrepairable.

You read the book. Did he? He should.

Yes, he needs to read the book.

Did he go through a process of identifying and addressing the character flaws and issues that led to his decision to have an affair?

Do you both ever talk about what happened and how you are feeling? He needs to know what you feel and think.

And yes, you do not have to stay with him.

affairs can be forgiven but never forgotten.
it's hard, but if it's worth fighting for it's your call

Yes, marriages can work.

I had an affair and DH knows.

We are now better than ever.

His way of getting over it was, he says, being 100% committed to trusting me- he said it was the only way forward, instead of harbouring grievances.

It sounds as if you need to work more on your own insecurity.
FWIW your reaction to the film sounds to me like an over-reaction. You are still sore and hurting and somehow you need to move on- maybe more counselling?

If you don't love him any more that is different altogether.

It's still early days and you say it is almost a year - then you are coming up to all the first anniversaries etc. That was a truly awful time for me when everything reminded me of it, I relived everything and I think DH really thought I was preparing to walk. It did not hurt him to think that, it brought home to him exactly what he had done and how much he had hurt me.

We went away on the first anniversary to take my mind of things and to create good memories except we bumped into OW's ds on a shopping trip on the way back - couldn't have made it up, the poor kid obviously didn't realise the intricacies on his DM's relationship and commented that he hadn't seen DH for ages/months (my DH actually moved in with OW for 6 weeks).

What is your DH actually doing to help you? At your stage my DH would avoid all comments like your dh made - we used to do the list things, you know 6 free (celebrity) shags when you are in a relationship, he has nobody on that list anymore, I've kept mine though

I found this site s www.beyondaffairs.com very useful, the articles especially, at the time.

Have you had the full story from him and do you think everything adds up? Is he still willing to talk about it?

Above all be kind to yourself, take up a long forgotten hobby, put yourself first for a change - I took up horse riding after a 20 yr break, did so much for my confidence and wellbeing.

Good luck.

Counting has made an important point re putting yourself first.

You need to do be looking at building your life - friends, work, hobbies and do things for yourself, it could be a day trip or meeting up with an old friend. This will help boost your self esteem and make you better able to cope.

Another point I need to raise is what was your relationship like before he met the OW (i,e not just before the affair as usually he will have begun distancing and behaving badly/strangely before things became physical)?

If things were good then recovery is supposed to be easier.

Also you both need to treat this as a new relationship - what you both had before has gone.

"What am I doing wrong to feel like this still after almost a year,"

You're experiencing reality and it isn't wrong. When affairs first get discovered it's a huge shock, people panic and some then go on to do all kinds of silly things just to keep the relationship together.... mostly out of fear of the alternative.

Then a year goes by, the panic has gone, the fears have subsided, the dus settles and you have chance to critically assess what you've actually got. In your case you realise you're saddled with a man that you don't trust, don't respect and don't like very much. You are never going to feel anything but anger and contempt. I'd say it was time to call it a day.

Sadly I think Cognito is right.

We often put up with major character flaws in our partners because the good points outweigh the bad. The betrayal and subsequent loss of trust after an affair make us less willing to over look these other failings, ('laddish' behaviour) in our partners - why should we?

It is only worth putting up with a few bad character traits if the fundamentals of your relationship are good. You are not your partner's mother you do not owe him unconditional love.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to my post. I'm sorry I never got back on last night..life took over.
I've found all your replies incredibly helpful and am going to do some thinking over them.
You think you are alone and then along pops someone like Shithappens (doesn't it!!)and your realise it's not just you! and for all I'm sorry you're going through it also, well its nice to know your not so alone.
Yes, we did have joint counselling - I'm going to look into some individual counselling for myself - I do think I need to talk through my feelings and why I feel so stuck.
AF thank you for that empowering post - I'd never of looked at it like that - its made me feel a bit stronger just reading it. I'll keep going and rereading it when I feel helpless.

I've forgotten how/don't want to let go, but I need to don't I? to discover my true feelings...I think I've let myself get stuck in the angry stage and thats not healthy for any of us.
Thanks again - you've really helped someone today

Broken - a year is NOTHING, honey. You have another year to go IMO.

It seems to me that however a nice, mistaken etc etc etc. man your H is, he hasn't 'got' it. He somehow has managed to avoid the bit where he realises the hurt and the pain HE CAUSED his family.

If he 'got it', he would have grown up. He would NEVER have made that crass comment.

What are you saying or doing other than rigid silent rage? What about something like 'that remark tells me you really don't understand how hurt I am'.

or, Why would you say that in front of me?
or even, When you say that, you make me feel so ugly.

Bottom line, it is RUDE of him to make remarks like that, whether he has cheated or not, and you need to call him on it.

I think you need to set him to reading. Linda J Macdonald 'How to help your spouse recover...' and Shirley Glass. He needs to read them.

I think, after him hurting you so badly, you have a right to require him to GROW UP and pull him up on crass phnar phnar jokes.

Don't you? Otherwise, you will never be able to bear him touching you.

I think you've discovered your true feelings actually. The anger, questions and revulsion you're experiencing are true, real and not masked by things like shock, hope, loyalty, love or glossing things over to keep the peace. Some people get to this point very quickly after discovering an affair, others take longer and a few never get this far at all (or choose to ignore it). I think we have to go through the process in our time.

Once you get past the 'angry stage' you'll even experience regret, remorse, guilt... sorry but forewarned is forearmed. However, the feeling of freedom once you realise that you don't need to try any more is also very powerful. Very best of luck with whatever you decide.

"You have another year to go IMO."

Why should the OP have to put up with being angry and miserable for another whole year? Isn't it just a big fat waste of her life? And why should she read a book advising her how to 'help her spouse recover'? After 12 months she can see the kind of man he is - it's not her responsibility if he's exactly the same as he was before.

Abit You are right. - You've Got it exactly!!! My heart is pounding because someone understands completely. I haven't said anything to him, I really really wanted it to come from him - IYSWIM. Why can't he see this?? He says he understands that I'm hurting, is desperately sorry for being the cause of it and will do anything to prove how sorry he is.. yet I have both those books and he's never looked at them without me shoving it under his nose..why? Why? why?

Cogito I want my marriage to work, I hope I can work through my feelings and be strong enough to carry on, it's not just me is it? I have 2 boys and I can't throw away their family without trying a little more. I hope I find the love I had for him again, I'd be lost without it.

Apparently it takes about 2 years to recover from an affair. Personally, I'm not sure if you ever get over it, perhaps it's more like finding a way of living with it (or not).

A year is a long time to have invested in your relationship, trying to make it work after an affair. But you equally can't "make" it work. And it's a pretty justifiable reason for ending a marriage.

I do think you need to explore your feelings further, either with your DH or counselling.

This is where I am stuck. Cognito & Abit I feel and can see both points of view..which one do I listen too??