Can marriage really survive an affair?

[BrokenWings]

My H had an affair almost a year ago. After initially seperating I decided to give our marriage another go, but I am finding it increasingly difficult.
I am not sure whether its just the timing or more, I am finding myself looking back to where we were a year ago and suddenly something new pops up, I'm replaying converstions in my head and am still trying to make things "fit".
I am still incredibly angry with him for doing this to us, I can't bare him touching me, everything he does annoys me...I'm terrified I don't love him anymore. He was my best friend and I never ever imagined our life would go this way.

I don't trust my judgement anymore, I don't know if I'm over or under reacting to the things he does. For example we were watching a film the other day and when women came on in skimpy outfits he was like "I knew I loved this film..now I remember why"...he does this alot....now it makes me feel ugly whereas before the affair, I'd laugh it off...A friend who was with us at the time was like "WTF?" and she said to me afterwards if her H had cheated on her she'd hate to hear him talk about other women like that. I just ignored it, Its something he's always done, he has a very immature "laddish" sense of humour, I can't suddenly ask him to change that or even expect him too? It's him. In counselling it came out that this was how the affair started, with inappropriate jokey comments which grew and grew and were then acted on. Its this thoughtlessness that makes me nervous for the future, I'm not sure he's taken on board what came out at the sessions.

We have 2 young DC, 1 of which has been very ill and almost lost his life and we are now looking at a SN diagnosis. I have recently lost someone very close to me and am going through a restructure process at work. I feel attacked at every angle and the person who I would normally turn to for support..well...he hurt me the most. I can't go through this alone, I don't want my marriage to end. I honestly don't, for all I'm angry with him, I don't want to lose him, Yet I know I am pushing him away. I just want things to get better and I don't know how to do it.

What am I doing wrong to feel like this still after almost a year, surely we should be in a better place than we are, I feel stuck in loop, the pain and anger is almost as bad as it was when I found him out. I know there are alot of affair threads on here so I was hoping some of you that had gone through it and stayed together could help me by giving me some advice.
Thank you.
Ps. Having read some of the threads on here I know "not just friends" is more often than not the advised reading - I already have it x

cogito the suggestion was for her h to read the book.

Why isn't he more proactive about making amends? Why does he carry on ogling women? Why can't he see you're hurting?....

... Because in spite of all the lipservice he's not sorry, doesn't want to make amends and assumes that your silence and continued presence in the marital home means you're over it anyway. It is not you 'throwing a family away'. You didn't shag someone else, he did. Love, like any other visceral emotion, doesn't conform to rational examination and logic. You can't plot it out as an equation that if X is true and Y is true, 'Love' will happen. Once it's gone, it's gone.

I am afraid that Cogito is right. His actions are not matching up with his words.
If it is any comfort, nor is my H. My H doesn't want to get it because it means he would have to look at himself, and learn to share his inner world, and he can't.

I will never get over this affair, because it is part of my history now. I wish it wasn't, but it is. I have learned that actually it wasn't an isolated event but the final unacceptably hurtful part of a pattern - where he sets up life the way he wants it, and I go along with it.
So I sit and work on me and consolidate, and own up to his selfishness and his inability to have a true relationship; and own up to my passivity and my fearfulness, and work on it, and it all takes time. But in that time I notice that he hates being called on stuff and 'goes into a mood' and that then the children all vanish to their rooms (so they are aware); and that when he is not here we are all more relaxed and affectionate. Because my eyes are now opened to who he really is and who I really am (and DO want to change).

And who eventually will be the loser? I didn't cause him, I can't control him and I really cannot cure him. I lost a huge part of myself and my life trying, but no more.

Abitwobbly, I personally think that co-dependency has an awful lot to play in how someone deals with their spouse's affair. I know I am co-dependent and reading some of the threads on here, some of them are screaming co-dependency (thinking "sod the elephant" one).

All my previous relationships have been co-dependent and my marriage is no exception. Both DH and I have had to look at ourselves, how we behave separately and together and address it but it has to be a joint thing, you cannot do it alone.

Melody Beattie's book "Co-dependent no more - how to stop controlling others and start taking care of yourself" is very good and useful on repairing yourself whether co-dependent or not.

I hope you reach the stage in your recovery whereby you have the courage to leave the marriage behind.

oh my goodness, you are not helpless

never think that

if this isn't working for you, you can change it, and if walking away is what you end up doing then so be it

at least you could say you tried, and he didn't do enough to help you through the massive body-blow he gave your marriage

some never do recover from such an appalling abuse of trust

My dad had an affair, actually he had more than one - my mother never really forgave him and "punished" him for the rest of his life. I hated the way she treated him, but now im older i understand why. It doesn't make it right though - they stayed together because of me. I carry alot of guilt because of that. They should have been brave and moved on becase they may have had nearly 60 years together, im not really sure they were happy ones, they loved each other feircely and my mother looked after my dad when he was ill with alzheimers - like some sort of pennance for the way she treated him. I wish he had stayed with the OW and that my mum had found someone who would stand up to her, because they would have both been happier in the long run. It made me miserable living in an emotional war zone.

If anyone is thinking of staying together because of the children, please don't.

You really need to know if you can get past it, im not sure i could, i often think that would not be so bad as losing my DP if he did it, but i know it would haunt me forever. I second those who suggest counselling, this needs putting to bed, dont let this be the elephant in the room, for your childrens sakes.

Broken, I could have written parts of your OP.

So I have no advice as such, I just wanted to say you're most definitely not alone, sadly for us.

I know how strong the hope is that things will eventually be ok again. How deeply you want to believe that he will eventually get it and start showing all the love, compassion and understanding you need. I also know how angry and hurt you still feel.

The only thing I can say is that you need to keep telling him when he is out of line. This isn't the time to bite your tongue or wonder if you are over-reacting.

All the best.

Broken and Twostraightlines - do you find you have more good/positive days? When it's good is it because he's making an effort? Are you feeling happy about the future? I am starting to have more days when I am happier - it's about feeling reassured, content and being able to see a happy future. I know my H doesn't talk about the affair because he regrets it so much and knows how much it has hurt me.
i have bad days when I think about the details of the affair. I am trying to turn that around by thinking about how seedy it must have been (having sex in a car in a layby), how unforfilling it must have been for the OW (being the OW), that he missed out on some great days out that I had with DC etc. etc.

We can't change the past ladies, but we can shape our own futures. Good luck. x

Abitw makes a very good point here:

" I have learned that actually it wasn't an isolated event but the final unacceptably hurtful part of a pattern - where he sets up life the way he wants it, and I go along with it."

I learned this after my h's infidelity too. it was partly what he admitted to, re his general behaviour, and partly what I had instinctively known but never been able to get him to change.

I think the Glass book touches on this when she says that it is very often the person putting the least into their relationship who has the affair.

Also, he had become a bit 'laddish' too, over the final years before I found out, when he hadnt been when we had met. Often that is used as a cover, or pseudo-philosophy for justifying shittiness, IMO.

OP, I suggest that you take a long look at your h and ask yourself whether his affair, even though it hurt the most, is actually a culmination of a wider pattern of total selfishness.

If it is, he can change if he can be arsed. My h did, in fact, and he is 50, so reasonably set in his ways.

I wouldnt settle for less, if I were you, or the hurt will remain.

I would like to support 5 here. We are still together and reconciliation is not for sissies. It is HARD and it HURTS and it AIN'T PRETTY. I never knew such pain existed.

Broken, I think you need to start changing the pattern. And that is, you need to find your voice. Not in an out of control way, but you need to start expressing your hurt. When he does a stupid phnar, pull him up on it. When you are out and he looks at a women, inform him the truth: that it is disrespectful, rude, and makes you feel ugly and uncared for.

The other thing Broken to me that is absolutely non-negiotiable, is that if he wants his family, he has to find, pay for, and go to a counsellor to examine why he did what he did.

THIS has been our lifesaver I think. Because the therapist said to him straight out 'you made a huge mistake trying to make yourself happy' Which is a statement that is on his side (I know you were trying to make yourself feel happy) but also tell him the truth. The therapist is there for him in a way I can't be, and in that safe place he can start thinking about unmanly things, like feelings (before he would buy s/thing to make himself feel better). It has taken us THREE YEARS, but my H is finally starting to talk to me.

Sorry went off before I finished - the therapist can also tell them things that they can't hear from us. So for instance, IMAGO therapy will talk about ways people try to 'exit' the relationship (create distance) - playing golf, having hobbies, long hours at work etc, and affairs are 'catastrophic exits' - along with murder and suicide! So it is really seen as the killer blow we feel.

So that is how seriously therapists take affairs. They are on his side, but he is required to LOOK at what he did. It works. Even with my highly resistant defensive H it is slowly working.

I would also like to say why I am still here. Because this was all set out in our karma, [the dance we relate/avoid/interact] AND I CHOSE HIM. For some reason, I 'recognised' him, and I need to be hear to learn whatever it is I have to learn, and unlearn all the unhealthy stuff I brought along, in order to heal my past and grow into a better and more functional human being.

When I read Shirley Glass and she said that it is better to stay within the marriage to heal, I thought it was impossible. It has nearly killed me, but I am still here, still facing my sh*t and being less overinvolved with his (one of my tasks).

I am not saying 'this is the way' I was trying to explain, for me.

Again thank you all for the insightful and honest posts.

Cognito I don't think he's paying lipservice, I really don't. I just think he wants it all to go away. He is deeply ashamed of his actions, I don't think he knows what to do about it anymore than I do to be honest. I believe (and I can only hope its this and not what you suggest)that he's just carrying on as normal. Only that won't do anymore, will it, because that shitty laddy behaviour plays a huge part in why we ended up in this mess, Playing the big I am, Mr Loveitall.

I know I am co-dependent - I need to address this. I will take a look at the book you recommended countingto10

He is a selfish arse, always has been. But with that is he is was also able to laugh about himself, so it was never anything serious and we dealt with his sulks with alot of humour. This has been lost, as I now find it pathetic to be honest and childish.
Shithappens Our stories sound so similiar..my H also had seedy sex in the car or worse still a quick shag at the back of his work - I hate that he threw my love away for just this, I'm not sure whether a love affair would of been easier to understand (but harder to battle!). However, I do like your attitude to it..its really positive I hope I find that soon! We do have good days, of course we do, otherwise it would be an easier decision - It's just the resentment that inevitably follows still knocks me down and I look at him and wonder if he's worth it - thats for me to decide I know you can't help me with that - but its good to get your thoughts out with others who understand.

Abit I find your posts very wise, you clearly know where your going and where you've come from...I need to find some of your strength.
About a year earlier than the affair, I knew something was wrong with us/our marriage, we were dancing around each other, not communicating at all and resentment built. In that time I can remember asking him if we needed to consider counselling, he laughed at me and said "definately not" so I let it go (how I wish I could go back). What came out after the affair at our marriage counselling when I reminded him off this, was that he was scared that we would seperate as we would find that we had drifted too far apart - I find this very sad and to be honest worrying as I had never considered anything like yet he clearly had. I don't know if this is how he still feels,he says not but we haven't really dealt with it, so not sure how it can have. Again, I suggested indivdiual counselling for him when when we finished at Relate, thinking he'd find it helpful (I know it would have reassured me, don't know why but it would of) but he says the Relate sessions were helpful enough. This goes with what Five says - I worry he hasn't changed that much since the affair - on here and other forums you read of H's completely reinventing themselves, he hasn't. Yes he tells me where he's going, with who and whatever, he's thoughtful to a point (at his works do, he rang several times and sent photos because he thought I'd be worrying) he has no passwords anymore and I can access his emails, FB and phone account etc. But he is still the "lad". Once it was funny but now it has another story behind it IYSWIM.
Two I hear you all when you say I need to speak up...I haven't been out of fear of rocking the boat even more, but I realise thats not going to help either of us.
My to do list for this week - speak out & arrange counselling (for myself).

You need to challenge him each time he makes crass remarks or is selfish.

These traits/flaws are what led him to having the affair and unless he addresses these, he is at risk of having another affair.

Broken your OP sounds almost the same as one I posted a couple of months ago. Like you I am at the year since discovery and am still very angry and upset by everything. I am also in a position where I am doubting my feelings for my H. How can I love someone who has lied and cheated and treated me like dirt?? He is no longer the honest man who would have done anything for me. My H also tends to make stupid comments and before the affair I would have laughed them off but now they hurt and make me feel very unsettled. I know what you mean about you want them to realise what they are doing is wrong so you don't mention it. Perhaps this is where I am going wrong to. During our counselling we were told to really work on our communication with each other. I know I've been shutting down in that department and this is obviously not helping.

I've got no advice but just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that I hope you resolve your feelings in a way that is right for you.

OP, it could have been me writing your post.
It will be 12 months next week since I found out about H's short affair. We have 2 young DC. Initially, I insisted he left. He went to his parents. OW was also married with 3 DC. This has destroyed 2 families and as we live in the same town, I know they are fighting to save their marriage. A few months after the affair, I agreed we would try and make it work. God, it's hard.
H doesn't want to talk about it anymore either. Says he is ashamed and embarrassed of what he did. Wants to focus on us, move forward, create new memories. He has had individual counselling. He knows his flaws - secretive since childhood, drinks too much, immature, desire to be 'liked'. I go over and over things in my head which I know isn't healthy. I send him horrible mean texts, ranting about what he did which I'm not proud of. I just feel that's the only way he hears me sometimes.
I haven't been able to face counselling. I work in a similar type environment myself and the thought of being 'the other side of the table' is something I haven't yet been able to get my head round.
In the last 12 months there have been horrendously dark times. I'm so angry he would risk everything for nothing. I'm so hurt by how he treated me - the lies and the deceit. I feel stupid and humiliated. I have days where I feel weak and pathetic for ever taking him back. Today, I could cheerfully walk out of the door with DC and never look back. I lost over a stone and a half in the last year and am a tiny size 6-8. Everybody of course wants to know my secret and I feel such a fraud when I blame it on stress. For a long time I despised OW. Living in the same town means we bump into each other. She has looked for my forgiveness to make herself feel better. She now knows she will never get that from me and I now feel nothing about her. I'm able to look through her when I pass her which is how it must now be.
BUT. We have had 11 years of otherwise good marriage. I know that people make mistakes. I know that I have committed to trying to make this work. Therefore, a point must come where I agree to move on from what he did and look forward instead of back. H says he does not expect me to forgive or forget. But to judge him on his actions now. We have had some good times in the last 12 months too - family holidays, weekends away just the 2 of us, we have talked more deeply than ever before and have both reflected on what's truly important in life. I know I need to learn to let go a little and relax... I just spend so much time fearing what he's up to... trust is going to take a long time to rebuild.
For now, I feel I will be doing well just to get this horrible first year anniversary out of the way. I will focus on one day at a time. We have planned some things together to try and get me through it.
I have found it helpful reading the persepctives on this thread.

It's nice to know that there are other women out there who are also finding it hard a year on. It makes me feel a little less of a failure.

Are any of you on AD's? I have been but then I stopped a couple of months ago. I am not sure if my negativity is partly due to the fact that I stopped the AD's or if it's a natural part of the recovery process.

My GP has been an amazing support. Reminding me this mess is not my doing but encouraging me that I can get through it and things will get better. He offered counselling or ADs. I have coped without both. Though possibly I should have given them a go.