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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having a really bad day! He still hasn't gone!

47 replies

keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 12:56

H is still here, even though he has said he is leaving at the end of the week for the last 3 weeks. He went away with work over the bank holiday but got back yesterday. Since he has come back he has been even worse than before he went, won't look at me and if he does it is with a severe look of disgust, huffing and puffing when ever I do anything, even though it is me telling him to leave because of EA!
He is supposed to be moving into his dads house and the room needed doing up before he could move in, since he started doing it he has only worked the time he was away for, the rest of the time he has been working on this room.
I am sleeping on a blow up mattress in the living room and have been for about 8 weeks, I think it is now on it's way out as I am having to blow it up each night and let it down each morning, they are just not designed for that Sad I didn't sleep more than an hour last night and I feel like shit today.
We haven't spoken about how things are going to work with the boys or anything, but he is supposed to be leaving tomorrow!
I really don't want the boys here when he moves everything out but he says he doesn't care Angry
I am so pissed off, emotional just feeling horrid Sad

OP posts:
MushroomSoup · 07/06/2012 13:02

Bless you, how stressful.
Some practical tips: can't you keep the bed blown-up and 'stand' it behind the sofa? Will look a bit odd but will save you hassle.
Can you speak to his dad and check on the progress of the room?
Can you start to 'help' him pack? Everything in binbags by the front door.
And can you take the children out tomorrow while he moves out?

Lueji · 07/06/2012 13:08

Have you checked with a solicitor? Surely you don't have to put up with his presence.

supadupapupascupa · 07/06/2012 13:11

why are you on the blow-up??? get your room back and tell him he no longer has a right to the bedroom and he leaves or sleeps in the lounge.......

mushroom soup has good tips.

so sorry for you..... :-(

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 13:11

I am planning to take the boys out tomorrow.
I really don't want to speak to his dad as I know he has told them all it is all my fault, I have lied, stolen and all sorts of things, which is all lies!
I did try packing a bit, just his stuff that had gone through the wash, while he was away! He went mental Sad

OP posts:
jubilucket · 07/06/2012 13:13

I think she means the bed sinks, these blow-up mattresses normally only manage two or three camping trips before they need to be chucked.

I think you need to kick his arse OP. Can you get a friend to take the boys for some of tomorrow so you can binbag his crap stuff and pile it by the door? Make it very uncomfortable for him to still be there? And of course, you need to reclaim your bedroom, WTF is it you sleeping on the airbed not him?

jubilucket · 07/06/2012 13:13

x-posted

AnyoneForTennis · 07/06/2012 13:14

Has he got the means to pack..... Boxes etc? A car to transport it, cos he doesn't sound serious about going.

'he went mental'..... Has he been violent? Are you scared?

izzyizin · 07/06/2012 13:20

He isn't going anywhere, is he? What do you plan to do when you find that he's still in situ tomorrow night?

jubilucket · 07/06/2012 13:21

What do you mean by 'went mental'?

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 13:23

He has all the means, boxes, cases and his own van! I am scared, but he has never been physical towards me just very angry and will hit walls and doors and scream and shout.
Yes Jubil, it is horrible now, the valve isn't as tight and every time I move I hit the floor.
I am on the blow up because he thinks it would be perfectly normal for us to sleep in the same bed right up until he leaves Hmm I just couldn't do it. I have seen a solicitor and I have no choice but to wait, there is a process I could take but I just can't afford it and won't qualify for legal aid until he has left Sad( I don't work as I am a carer for ds3 who is disabled)

OP posts:
jubilucket · 07/06/2012 13:26

Oh Sad this sounds awful. Do you have anything like a brother, sister or really close friend who can be present while you make help him move and inhibit him from the shouting and wall-banging?

jubilucket · 07/06/2012 13:27

OP I've got to go offline, will come back later. UnMNetty hugs.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 13:32

I wish I did, there is only my mum, who he can't stand!
Good thing is I will probably sleep tonight as I didn't last night.
He just started screaming and shouting at me, banging doors, calling me names, then went out to the pub!
izzy I have no idea what I will do! The only thing I think I can do if he hasn't gone soon, is move out myself Sad
Poor ds is so stressed out, he can't speak but I can tell, he is like an over wound spring!

OP posts:
ChitChatFlyingby · 07/06/2012 13:43

You poor thing, that sounds horrible!

Can you record some of the incidents? It might give you some extra ammunition if you do have to go via the legal route to get him out.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 13:45

I have been keeping a log and have taken photos of any damage he has done.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 07/06/2012 13:50

If he kicks off and starts screaming, shouting, banging stuff around/hitting walls etc, call the police and ask them to remove him until he's calmed down.

With luck he won't come back, but if he does he's likely to be less inclined to exhibit violent displays of petulance.

SoDesperate · 07/06/2012 13:55

Absolutely call the police and if you can, record him as evidence. The police will ask him to leave (IME for 24 hours) if you are scared, especially if it is affecting your son.

His behaviour is abusive and as he does have somewhere else to go calling the Police may help 'persuade' him to move out.

Inertia · 07/06/2012 14:00

Sounds awful. Please do call the police if he kicks off like that again.

Can your mum come and stay and sleep in your bed with you? Ex can then sleep on the airbed.

hattifattner · 07/06/2012 14:00

id agree if he is damaging the house and bellowing, its time to call the police and have him removed. Then when he is out of the house, get everything packed up and tell him to collect it, when you have someone else in the house.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 15:36

I think I will have to call the police if this carries on. I am at breaking point at the moment, doesn't help that it is half term and I am at home with an ADHD teenager and a severely autistic 6 year old Sad

OP posts:
izzyizin · 07/06/2012 15:43

If he doesn't move out tomorrow and you comment on the fact that he's still cluttering up the place around, I'll put money on him kicking off tomorrow night.

Seize the moment, honey. When he next kicks off 999 is the way for him to go.

AnyoneForTennis · 07/06/2012 15:51

Sometimes you have to force things along. He knows you get scared so he has you where he wants you

izzyizin · 07/06/2012 15:57

If you should have to resort to calling on the boys and girls in blue to shift his abusive arse, don't forget that you'll find support here 24/7.

cakeismysaviour · 07/06/2012 16:17

I'd get someone to help me pack up his things and wait with me for him to return from work.

Then tell him to leave, and if he starts being abusive/violent call the police.

Original poster
keepingupwiththejoneses · 07/06/2012 16:29

Thank you all. That is just it cake he isn't at work, when he was away is the only time he has worked in the last month.Sorry should have said he is self employed! I will see how tomorrow goes!

OP posts: