Partner told me and dd's "f you all" on the way out

[livedinashoe]

I don't know why I'm posting this but I need to tell someone and this seems like a good place.

Dp looks after dc one day a week in term time. Dd1 is at school and dd2 is 2 and usually comes to work with me apart from this day when she can't. He has announced he can't have dc next week as he has to work. I am self employed so if I take the day off I will lose the money but more importantly the goodwill of my clients as I will be seen as unreliable etc.

We honestly have no childcare alternatives for dd2 as family are too far away and friends all work on this day. I said I could probably sort something out for dd1 and could he take dd2 in with him. This wouldn't be fantastic but is doable. He did this with dd1 when a similar situation came up a few years ago.
When I suggested this he said he couldn't take her in.

Dd1 asked what was wrong and he said "mummy's bring selfish again". Poor thing then started loudly making conversation. He responded and she said "I'm talking to mummy not you". He then said " f you all then" and walked out.

Our relationship is ok in general but whenever there is any kind of problem he blames me leaves me to sort things out. Am I being reasonable asking him to sort out this problem?

Does anyone have any wise words? Sorry about the length of this post and the moaning.

It's not acceptable for someone in a supposedly loving relationship to behave like that, swearing at their partner in front of the children. As the problems stems from the fact that he decided to work on a day when he normally looks after the children it is technically his to resolve. However, if this example is a typical reaction and he always blames you if there are difficulties he doesn't sound like a very nice person to live with rather than 'OK in general'. Partners should consider the effect of their actions before making decisions, be able to take the rough with the smooth and work something out between them without resorting to nasty name-calling.

Totally unacceptable. Especially in front of the children.

If he cannot stick to the usual child care arrangements, it should be his responsibility to find an alternative solution.
Why do some fuckwits men think that caring for their kids is 'babysitting'?

He needs to stop abdicating responsibility and step up to the mark. He has a problem and needs to solve it himself. He also owes you a MASSIVE apology.

1. he is changing his work arrangements with a knock-on effect on his children's care.....and expecting you to sort it out
2. he's name-calling you 'selfish' in front of his children- unacceptable about anyone but especially so about their mother
3. he cursed in front of his daughter and walked off

You are not moaning- this is not right and you owe it to yourself and to your daughter not to accept being treated in this way.

He is showing no respect for you, for his daughter or for his family unit.
He owes you and her a sincere apology.

How do arguments normally resolve....is it all you 'seeing where you went wrong' and smoothing things over?

Thank you so much for the replies. I am so worried about next week. I would sort out a solution if I could but I just can't think of anything.

beckamaw you have it spot on with the babysitting attitude.

corgito I know you're right and it's not ok. I won't get an apology. He's never sworn at us all like that before but because he's been like this with me when the dc are not around he probably think I'll put up with it like normal. I know it's my fault for putting up with this type of thing before.

But this is a step too far really isn't it?

Find a local childminder or childcare centre. Job done.

porridgelover thank you for the reply. Arguments are sometimes resolved with him apologising and talking through it reasonably.

Big ones like this he won't talk to me, often threatens to move out! I always say if he's not happy he should go. But I feel I can't ask him to go because apart from this one incident he is a fantastic dad and dc would be missing out because of me. He then is extra nice and tries to write it off as a "oh haven't you been silly".

It's my fault because I put up with these incidents. I don't accept I have been "silly" but he must think I'll up with anything because of the children

bodyOfEeyore dd2 has never been to nursery or cm and I'm not prepared to put her in for one day with no chance to do any settling in before

If he behaves like this towards you when the children aren't there normally this is a bad development. Means he not only regards you with contempt but he doesn't think he has to be on best behaviour for the children either. If he won't apologise and if you don't deal with the problem he will only get better rather than worse. I can't stand bullies and he sounds like one.

That sounds really bad.

But if you are two working parents, why do you rely on each-other for childcare?
That sounds really stressful. Working people dont call in favours from friends and family for their childcare arrangements, so I think you need to look for a childminder to use for your dc.

Not just for one day though, but as a long standing arrangement.

She might enjoy it, and at least you could get your work done.

Beats me why they're always described as 'fantastic dads' when letting down the family & swearing and shouting at mothers in front of children makes them pretty crappy fathers.

I'm afraid you're being controlled. Threatening to walk out because he knows you'd never call his bluff is controlling. Making you feel guilty for his failings is controlling. Being 'extra nice' to offset being extra nasty is controlling. Trivialising your legitimate complaints and concerns as 'silly' is belittling you in order to control you.

Next time call his bluff. If you don't, this man's behaviour will get worse and worse.

"he must think I'll up with anything because of the children"

He's right, though, isn't he?

You think if you make him leave because of how he treats you that it will be your fault.

But really, if he has to leave the family home because he swears at and belittles his partner and constantly threatens to leave that is his fault.

Don't allow yourself to be treated like shit just to keep a family together.

If the family is worth keeping together, that is never necessary.

There are two things I particularly don't like about this:

"because he's been like this with me when the dc are not around he probably think I'll put up with it like normal"

"He then is extra nice and tries to write it off as a "oh haven't you been silly"."

You see what is happening here? He is normalising his behaviour and getting your relationship into a place where normal boundaries for behaviour are being shifted- and he is in charge of those boundaries.

For the reasons they've stated, I share cory's dislike.

Your not so 'd' p is an unreasonable tit and his attitude towards you is not a good example for your dc.

Yup- what corgito and cory said. Read it again. They are right.

this is what would happen in my family.

for eg if dc running late for school run dh would leave them at home instead of dropping them on way to work, for me to drive backwards out of my way.... so me being excessively late for work would be better iho than him waiting and being slighlty late.

You're all right about him, I've been a fool or letting it carry on so much.

What do I do now? I've had apologies etc before and it all starts again.

Well for a start; you are not a fool, and beating yourself up over another person's behaviour wont help.
Start standing up for yourself and telling him that this behaviour is not acceptable. Its his choice to either shape up and adapt to the new regime which will require him to have more respect for himself and you and his child. Or he may choose to ship out
You cannot control or change another person. It's his choice. Repeat at length.

He will have to look at why he thinks its ok to treat people he 'loves' like this.
You will have to look at why you love someone who treats you like this.

Look at it this way- you are both at base camp attempting a summit of Everest.
Either he does his bit and you pull through it and achieve it (Everest/your marriage) or you wont make it.
Sorry

I agree with porridgelover that his behaviour is not your fault. What to do now? Draw a line in the sand

First, get an apology. However, make it clear at the same time that you do not accept the blame & are neither 'silly' nor selfish. If has to agree that, if he takes on extra work in future he has to arrange to cover his day child-care in advance. And warn him that, if he ever tells you to fuck off again, he should pack his bags.

If he storms and flounces and tries his old tricks at this, the bag-packing comes forward a little. If he is contrite, promises to change and actually does change (v important)... problem solved

There are 2 issues here and the first requires you to find a solution to your lack of childcare for dd2 next week and for the longer term should this situation arise again.

Do you have a friend or kindly neighbour with similar age dc who would step into the breach and look after dd2 if you offer to return the favour? If not, given that you can provide ample notice that you're unable to work on a specific date as your chldcare arrangements have fallen through, I doubt you would be perceived as unreliable by your client(s) and you're best advised to suck it up and take the financial hit of staying at home with dd2.

The second issue is by far the most important and is, namely, the way in which your 'd' p finds it acceptable to dump his shit on you in the belief that he can disguise and excuse his utter contempt for you with a cheesy smile and an a 'sorry' made with fingers crossed behind his back

I suspect that he'll suddenly find that he can look after dd2 next week and, o so predictably, he'll make you out to be the unreasonable villain of the piece.

You, in turn, will be pathetically grateful for his change of heart and will accept yet another of his token apologies.

And thus the dance will continue with your dc being the innocent bystanders who get trampled on by his foot-stamping flamenco.

If this comes to pass, you're best advised to tell him to take the rose out from between his teeth and shove it up his arse thorns first.

He said what he thinks about his family.

I'd seriously consider having his clothes packed by the door when he gets home.

Thank you for the sensible and constructive advice.

Quick update: he has now not spoken to me or dds at all for 3 days, coming home after we are in bed and leaving before we get up. Dd2 asked him for breakfast this morning and he just ignored her and walked out of the door.

At the moment I'm struggling to think of a reason to attempt to sort this out but maybe I'm giving up too easily.

I'm seeing a friend tomorrow and will ask her if she can have dd2 as a one off next week but am researching longer term options as I clearly can't rely on him to fulfill his commitments to our children.

Can you tell I am no longer upset but absolutely furious?!

Think l would be asking him to leave OP. He is NOT a good father if he has ignored his DD's for 3 days and swore at them.
He is clearly not a good DP either.

Just what are you getting out of this relationship?

How are you supposed to sort something out with someone who doesn't speak to you. 3 fucking days. Ignoring your DD who is 2.

This is abusive behaviour. Don't try and sort it out. And it isn't you who is giving up. It is him. He is the one sulking. He is the one ignoring your child and behaving worse than them. Think what messages are being learnt by your children here.

His sense of entitlement that you will sort out his childcare problem is breathtaking. Really, really think about what it is you want to save.