Partner told me and dd's "f you all" on the way out

[livedinashoe]

I don't know why I'm posting this but I need to tell someone and this seems like a good place.

Dp looks after dc one day a week in term time. Dd1 is at school and dd2 is 2 and usually comes to work with me apart from this day when she can't. He has announced he can't have dc next week as he has to work. I am self employed so if I take the day off I will lose the money but more importantly the goodwill of my clients as I will be seen as unreliable etc.

We honestly have no childcare alternatives for dd2 as family are too far away and friends all work on this day. I said I could probably sort something out for dd1 and could he take dd2 in with him. This wouldn't be fantastic but is doable. He did this with dd1 when a similar situation came up a few years ago.
When I suggested this he said he couldn't take her in.

Dd1 asked what was wrong and he said "mummy's bring selfish again". Poor thing then started loudly making conversation. He responded and she said "I'm talking to mummy not you". He then said " f you all then" and walked out.

Our relationship is ok in general but whenever there is any kind of problem he blames me leaves me to sort things out. Am I being reasonable asking him to sort out this problem?

Does anyone have any wise words? Sorry about the length of this post and the moaning.

He is punishing his young children for his own actions. He has to go. That is not a good or loving father.

I think it's over now. I'm sure I'll feel sad at some point but this has been a long time coming and I can't see how we're all going to get over this and I don't really want to.

I always let things go because of the thought of how upset dds would be if he left. Well he hasn't left and he's hurting them so much. Stupid me. But enough now, it's over.

Thank you for the support, it has really helped.

Oh, and I've been unfriended on facebook. Classy!

He's unfriended you?

Oh he is a class act isn't he .

I think you are doing the right thing btw.

So has he told you he is leaving or have you told him to leave?

Pack him a bag, double lock or bolt the door and tell him his stuff is on the front door step. He unfriends you on FB, so unfriend him from your life!

Ohhh no he's unfriended you. What is he 13? I'm sorry OP but that is just laughable, seriously he's a cock.

Actually, its probably because he is going to post some seriously nasty lies about the OP, and he doesnt want her to see it :(

Best thing to do now is show him you don't need him for childcare or anything else.
If you can get a temp nanny/childminder for that day and don't worry about the cost - if you have a joint account use it for that. Agencies send someone to your house so if you are around or in and out, your DD should be ok.
My worse mistake in your shoes was to try and show him he was needed - huge mistake.
Have a look at abusive relationships and the guru of such situations Lundy Bancroft Why Does He Do That.
It may seem extreme, but those of us who have been there recognise what's been happening as the thin end of the wedge.
First off is set some very clear boundaries and, sadly, treat him like the sulky little boy he is at the moment. Once he realises that he has pushed this beyond breaking point, he will either take a long hard look at how to grow up or he will move on to find someone who likes being sworn at and thinks looking after his kids is below him. So for you and too

I know, totally pathetic. Luckily if he does write anything horrible I don't really care. Any mutual friends know me well enough to contact me directly as I only have real life friends on there.

He hasn't said he's leaving and I haven't seen him to tell him to leave, apart from when he ignored dd2 and I was too to say anything. Not a conversation to have in front of dc anyway.

Poor little girls, my heart hurts for them. But I will not have them growing up thinking it is ok to be treated like this, I want better for them than to repeat my mistakes.

i feel for you and your DDs , what a way for things to end. If it was me i'd just take that day off work- the girls don't need to confusion of a temporary nanny right now. Explain to your clients what has happened and how you are sorting it out and they will understand. Get onto the tax credit helpline and see if you can claim for childcare then see about finding a child carer who suits your situation. Good luck, oh and things will improve, though they may get worse to begin with, my ex was a pig when our relationship ended- i suppose people don't behave at their best when stressed and emotional but he did eventually get himself together and became an ok dad again.

Well guess what, izzy was right, he amazingly now can have dds next week. All that stress for nothing. I only work term time so have 6 more weeks to get through and then the whole summer to sort out alternative childcare.

blackcats thank you for your post. It's good to know things can come right in the end. Ive contacted tax credits who said I need to ring them on the day he moves out and then claim. When I did the calculator online it looked like I would be able to manage on my own ok although I know these things aren't definite until you claim.

struwelpeter thank you for the advice. I was alarmed when I started looking at the emotional abuse info. I can tick so many boxes I can't believe I have been so kind to what has been going and and now my poor dds are hurting because of my stupidity.

Update: I asked him this morning if he was ignoring the children. He said he was because they were rude to him. I told him they're children ffs, none of this is their fault and we all need an apology.

His apology to dd1 was basically "I was cross because mummy shouted at me like she always does and you were copying her and shouting". Poor little thing agreed with this and apologised to him. I am beyond enraged with him. I told him in private his behaviour was damaging and disgusting, then talked it through with dd1 when he had gone. What a prick.

My h swore at me yesterday infront of the dc. I went completely ballistic, later, when the dc were in bed. He is on borrowed time anyway, so should be making more of an effort. Sympathies.

These twats are so tediously predictable

If only they'd have the decency to put my clairvoyant powers to some serious test

Start sourcing alternative childcare now, squirrel away as much dosh as you can, and toss him out at the start of the holidays so that you can enjoy a few blissful weeks with your dds before the treadmill of work starts turning again.

livedinashoe - so sorry for you, but glad you have the strength to see him for what he is and to not put up with it anymore. It may be tough but it will be better for you and your dds in the long-run. Imagine what you would advise your dds to do in 20 years if they were in this position. Agree with izzyizin, squirrel away as much money as you can, buy anything you and dds need or will need soon (clothes, shoes, school uniform, coats for winter etc), stock up the kitchen cupboards and freezer, pay as many bills off as you can. Anything you can do that will take the pressure off a little in the coming months. Also get as much info/advice as you can re separating/custody/finances. All these things will help to make you feel stronger and in control, and when it gets to dday the only one in shock will be him. Good luck x

when it gets to dday the only one in shock will be him

I do so love a bit of poetic justice, arfur

Don't forget to tell him 'and fuck you too' when you put his belongings on your doorstep, OP.

Just read this thread. OP, he sounds like an immature wanker. Hope you and your DDs are OK.

Also can be a good idea to have things like birth certificates and passports moved somewhere for safekeeping (not his obv)

Blimey you lot are good with practical advice. Would never have thought of things like winter coats. I haven't a clue where the birth certificates are although that means he also won't..