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Original poster

When 'doing the right thing' feels so wrong :(

35 replies

duke748 · 06/06/2012 12:17

I found out last week than my DP of 4.5 years and father to my 16 month old DS reunited with an ex about 2.5 years ago (when I was pregnant), has lived with her since then and they have a 10 month old DD.

So, so much hurt. His parents (where I thought he was living) were in on it too, taking down pics of DP and DD and replacing with pics of DP and DS when I visited, making excuses for him etc. Now it has come out it obviously explains all the times he has let me or our DS down - including not being there for the birth (told me he had swine flu).

Anyway, apart from my heart being ripped to pieces and never trusting another man again in my whole life - I know I have to let him see our DS. But I so, so , so don't want to!

I want to be able to look DS in the eye when he's older and tell him I did the best I could to facilitate him seeing his Dad. But oh my God, every bone in body is telling me not to put the man who can tell SO many lies in charge of my DS. This man that he actually is, isn't the man I fell in love with and chose to have children with - he's a stranger.

Yet, he hasn't ever been violent or abusive in any way. Just let us down lots and lots of times -saying he'd be there and then canceling last minute or turning up late. My DS doesn't really have a relationship with DP yet, as he doesn't see him any more than some of my friends (about once a week) - but he's just starting to speak properly and I know it won't be long til he KNOWS when Daddy has let him down. I just want to save him from the hurt.

I have already agreed to access this weekend and its only Wednesday but I'm already dreading it and having fantasies about just leaving the country with my DS and getting as far away as possible from him. I would never do this of course - but I can't imagine letting him go from my to his arms.

Has anyone got any experience of anything like this and/or has any advice?

I know it will get easier with time, but, my God, it hurts SO SO much right now.

OP posts:
Technoviking · 06/06/2012 12:19

When you do sort out ex P's access, don't be surprised if he lets DS down again and again. It will be hard to keep picking DS up afterwards, but DS will see for himself exactly what a waster his dad is.

Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 12:28

Oh I KNOW he will let him down, that's the thing. I feel like I'm deliberately putting my DS in a position where he will be let down and hurt, all for the greater good, so to speak. But every fibre of me wants to protect him from any hurt I possible can.

OP posts:
Technoviking · 06/06/2012 12:32

I know what you mean, but if ex is given the chance to be a good father, then he ca't blame you when he screws up himself. Though he probably will try to.

post · 06/06/2012 12:33

I wouldnt think for a moment that what he's done isn't abusive, duke.

Dee03 · 06/06/2012 12:42

It is hard but your ds will have to learn for himself what a loser his dad is.
My ds is 10 now and his dad left us 9 years ago....my xp has never really put in any effort with our son even tho he's had him alternate wkends all this time so now my ds is getting to an age where he doesnt want to go to his dads that often or speak to him on the phone even as he knows his dad isnt really interested!

It is sad but all you can do is be there to pick up the pieces!

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2012 12:56

What a terrible time you've had. How often were you seeing him during that time? Did his girlfriend/ex know about you? How awful of his family to behave like that.

In your position I would move away and I wouldn't care about letting him see my son. He's an awful man - a liar and a manipulator. You would both be much better off being away from him.

Think again about moving. He'll be bad for your son. A fresh start for you both would be much more healthy.

izzyizin · 06/06/2012 13:06

Given the history and the manner in which your ex's dps have behaved, I'm inclined to agree with IB.

What contact has your ex had with your ds in recent months and what access has been agreed for this coming weekend?

Will your ex be taking your ds out of your home for any length of time? Will your ds be staying overnight with his f?

Corgito · 06/06/2012 13:08

I think the ideal is that parents split the responsibility for children but I don't think it's mandatory. I wouldn't insist my DS spent time with someone that I didn't trust... DNA or no DNA

squeakytoy · 06/06/2012 13:11

I am so shocked that his parents colluded in this deception. If it were my son there is no way I would have covered up for him in this way.

Corgito · 06/06/2012 13:13

For two and a half years... that's some conspiracy.

squeakytoy · 06/06/2012 13:15

I am assuming that there must already be some distance between OP and her ex, as I cant see how he would have got away with actually living with, and having a child with another woman and nobody letting it slip. :(

Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 13:20

Hi all. Thanks for your messages so far.

We live 2 hours from each other, have never lived together and see each other about once a week. So, I'm already 'away' physically, thank god. The other woman didn't know either - she opened his suitcase when he'd be away for a week on a conference in Manchester - only to find swim shorts and suntan lotion as we'd been away for a week in Spain.

I have spoken to the OW and one or other of us has been pregnant, with newborn or miscarrying for the last 2.5 years. We were trying for a baby on holiday last week. :-(

We've broadly agreed a weekend every other weekend, mostly due to the distance. I'm severely tempted to spring a surprise visit on him this weekend to make sure he is being looked after properly. There is just zero trust!

OP posts:
Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 13:23

ExDP is at his Mum and Dads and I hope they can help look after DS - but of course they have lied to me too - so I don't trust them either!

But I can't spend time with exDP as I am so angry all I want to do is castrate him - slowly and painfully! I obviously don't want DS to see any aggro.

God - its such a mess and I wanted so, so much better for my beautiful, funny, sweet natured boy.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 06/06/2012 13:43

What does a 'weekend' constitute? Friday through Sunday, overnight on Saturdays?

What type of relationship does your ds have with his f? Is he pleased to see him and has he spent time away from your home solely in the company of his f? Does he have regular contact with his paternal gps?

What contact does your ex have with his other dc? Does he pay maintenance for all both of his dc?

ImperialBlether · 06/06/2012 13:48

I just can't understand how someone can get away with neither women knowing.

What happens on Christmas Day?

squeakytoy · 06/06/2012 13:49

Was there ever a plan in place that he would move in with you properly?

Thumbwitch · 06/06/2012 13:54

IB - but it does happen! It's always amazing that men who are bigamous manage to get away with it, but they do - usually because of their type of job.

OP - he sounds like a total turd and his parents are obviously partly to blame, as they seem to have a poor moral compass themselves, at best.

I totally understand your unwillingness to allow your ex to see your DS, but yes, it is really your DS's "right" to know his father. I suspect that now you are not the loving "partner", your ex will be less inclined to make the 2h trip to see your DS so often, so it may resolve itself sooner rather than later.
So :( for you - and for the other woman too - what a mess this 'man' has made.

Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 13:54

DS is in a clingy stage and will cry when not with me. I work 3 days a week and when I drop him at childminder he settles within 10 mins. I'd imagine he will do the same when with exDP. DS will cling to me at the beginning of a party but within an hour will be leaving me and of running around like a loon and playing with anyone and everyone.

DS has seen his grandparents (none on my side) 4-5 times, to babysit when I was on a course for work and when DS was I'll do childminder wouldn't take him.

It feels like if he didn't see any of them again it wouldn't bother him, but at 16 months old, in not too many months time it will bother him.

ExDP pays mortgage on the home I live in an has promised (ha!) to continue to do so. That is a whole other issue I need to deal with.

OP posts:
MissFaversham · 06/06/2012 14:10

Oh dear OP, I feel your Pain. All I can say is "It will get better over time, it really will"

I wanted to poke sharp instruments into my ex's eyes and still do when I have to deal with him but I wouldn't recommend cutting him off totally. My DS is 14 now and I split with ex when he was 2. No matter what a tosser my ex was I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had cut him out completely. Over the years DS has come to learn what he's like by himself and he doesn't really care. As long as they have one strong parent they cope far better than we think.

squeakytoy · 06/06/2012 14:26

Blimey, it all sounds so utterly complicated. Has your ex discussed what will happen with regards to introducing him to his half-sister?

Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 15:20

Just going out the door - so will answer your questions quickly...

Christmas Day OW and DD go to exDPs parents, do presents, Xmas dinner etc
Boxing Day DS and myself go and do the same - the exact same presents etc.

No plans to move in together, no. I have been hurt before (ha!) so didn't want to. He made most money over there so financially it didn't make sense for him to move to me and I have lots of lovely friends here so didn't want to move there. I was always very happy with that - I like my independence.

Yep - totally complicated! Makes my head hurt with each new revelation.

OP posts:
Original poster
duke748 · 06/06/2012 18:03

Oh and my DS has already met his sister. Sad

Anyone any ideas on how to help me feel better about allowing access in the short term?

OP posts:
MadamFolly · 06/06/2012 19:13

My God, I'm Shock at his cheek and at his parents deceit.

Can you insist on someone staying with him and DS, has the OW broken up with him too?

neuroticmumof3 · 06/06/2012 19:32

I'm gobsmacked by his parents' behaviour. It really beggars belief that they would collude with him like this to deceive you. Is the OW continuing her relationship with P?

MarySA · 06/06/2012 19:38

What a liar. Can't believe his parents were in on this. I wouldn't want my child to have anything to do with any of them if I could help it. I don't think I would allow access in the short term. Why should you when you have been treated in this totally disgraceful, cruel and deceitful way.