When 'doing the right thing' feels so wrong :(

[duke748]

I found out last week than my DP of 4.5 years and father to my 16 month old DS reunited with an ex about 2.5 years ago (when I was pregnant), has lived with her since then and they have a 10 month old DD.

So, so much hurt. His parents (where I thought he was living) were in on it too, taking down pics of DP and DD and replacing with pics of DP and DS when I visited, making excuses for him etc. Now it has come out it obviously explains all the times he has let me or our DS down - including not being there for the birth (told me he had swine flu).

Anyway, apart from my heart being ripped to pieces and never trusting another man again in my whole life - I know I have to let him see our DS. But I so, so , so don't want to!

I want to be able to look DS in the eye when he's older and tell him I did the best I could to facilitate him seeing his Dad. But oh my God, every bone in body is telling me not to put the man who can tell SO many lies in charge of my DS. This man that he actually is, isn't the man I fell in love with and chose to have children with - he's a stranger.

Yet, he hasn't ever been violent or abusive in any way. Just let us down lots and lots of times -saying he'd be there and then canceling last minute or turning up late. My DS doesn't really have a relationship with DP yet, as he doesn't see him any more than some of my friends (about once a week) - but he's just starting to speak properly and I know it won't be long til he KNOWS when Daddy has let him down. I just want to save him from the hurt.

I have already agreed to access this weekend and its only Wednesday but I'm already dreading it and having fantasies about just leaving the country with my DS and getting as far away as possible from him. I would never do this of course - but I can't imagine letting him go from my to his arms.

Has anyone got any experience of anything like this and/or has any advice?

I know it will get easier with time, but, my God, it hurts SO SO much right now.

Yes OW has broken up with him too. But who knows if they will get back together? She says no, but who knows? OW and I are in contact and have figured alot out between ourselves, ie: He got back with her in the week between me thinking I had miscarried my DS due to heavy blood loss and finding out he was OK at a scan. I got pregnant with my last miscarried baby when their daughter was less than a month old and the week of their anniversary. He announced their pregnancy on my due date (Christmas Day) to his parents whilst I sat at home alone (and fat!) because I thought he had swine flu. So, so, so many lies. And then you add in all the 'little' ones about where he was when and its just a big horrible mess.

I don't trust anything he says, anything OW says or anything his mother says when they call. At least one call from each of them each day. The current drama is OW trying to blackmail exDP with something that will lose him his job, which will of course mean that there will be no money for DS in the future.

If I had spare money I'd very happily bugger off to New Zealand for at least a few weeks (and not take mobile!) but I feel like I need to be extra careful with money now to feather my little nest in case the money from exDP stops suddenly.

I've gone from just poodling along trying to do the best for my DS to being in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle show where I don't trust anyone at all.

So - what's the consensus?

a) let exDP see DS with strict rules and then the first time he mucks up - its over
b) let exDP see DS with strict rules and no matter how many times he mucks up, keep facilitating it until DS figures out what a deadbeat exDP is
c) don't let exDP see DS for the short term until some of the hurt has healed (but when will that be?)
d) don't let exDP see DS ever
e) some other option I haven't figured out yet? help?

Can I make a suggestion?
Don't ever tell ds when he's coming to visit, let it be a 'surprise'. This way he can't be let down if he has no expectation. Don't let them have a private conversation on the phone either.
My ds was let down often but I nipped it in the bud.
How awful for the both of you.

I don't think I'd be in daily contact with his mother and this other woman. I wouldn't want anything to do with them. Let them get on with dealing with this dreadful man. And don't think much of the OW either. Doesn't she know blackmail is a crime for which a heavy prison sentence can be given. I'd be tempted to get the police involved. My opinion is don't let your DC have any contact for the time being. They sounds a dreadful lot of people. Best avoided at all costs.

Keep a diary of the agreements you make re access, and whether or not EX keeps to it, with a note made of the excuses. Do it everytime. Don't include your feelings, stick to facts.

Good luck dealing with this in the future, I know it hurts, and it's SO hard to bite your tongue in front of children about what a waster they have as a parent.

I've reduced contact this weekend to Saturday lunch time to Sunday lunch time. I think its a good compromise. And I can countdown form 24 til my baby boy in back in my arms.

Thanks to all who've offered advice so far.

I think that you will be WELL within the bounds of reasonable behaviour to suspend contact for a while, until you get over the shock of the unilateral betrayal of you by his entire family.

Take time to think, take stock and decide what YOU want to do.

Is he from a country where men are allowed to have more than one wife? I'm just asking because it's incredible that his parents found the situation acceptable.

He's from the UK. I think his parents motivation was not alienating the mothers of either of the grandchildren - apparantly they didn't know until we were both pregnant - but who knows?

Are you looking to gain some 'me' time at weekends?

If not I can't see any logical reason why you should be considering allowing your little ds to have overnight stays with a f he barely knows at the home of gps he knows even less.

Having you present in strange environments as your toddler gains the confidence to launch himself off to play and interact with others is one thing; despatching him to stay for a prolonged length of time in a strange environment without your presence is entirely another.

Your ex and his dps have proved that they cannot be trusted. Are you prepared to trust them with your pfb? Trust them to tell you if he is unhappy? Trust you to contact you if he's unwell? Given that they barely know him. how will they be able to tell if he's sobbing his heart out because he's unhappy or because he's unwell?

I would suggest that the time for overnight stays with his paternal relatives is when your ds has the verbal ability to tell you what goes on when he's away from you.