Help me focus on my pregnancy and not DH leaving me

[Pregnantandscared]

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and my husband walked out on me on the weekend.
I explained it a bit more in another thread but now I'm struggling to feel positive about the future.

Has anyone been in a similar situation?

I've got so many things going through my mind... I haven't got a birth partner now, how will I look after LO alone?, how do I drag myself out of this sadness and give my unborn baby the love and stability she deserves?

I don't want to do this on my own.

So sorry you are going through this, you need to talk to chocoraisin...

Do you have a close friend or family member who could be at the birth with you?

I have just read your thread in chat. Are you feeling ok as you mentioned being in and out of hospital. I also see your mum is nearby so hopefully she is helping you through this.

My husband walked out on me out of the blue too. I didn't even know he was unhappy until he sat down and told me that, then walked out as he had decided all on his own that the marriage was over.

It is a huge shock when they do that and even worse when you are pregnant but you will get through this and you are in the right place for support.

Thank you for replying. I'll look up chocoraisin's threads.

I don't have anyone that could be a birth partner, my mum is being great but she wouldn't be comfortable in that situation. I don't have any local friends. I guess I thought DH was my best friend and I just enjoyed spending time with him.

We'd been together for 8 years(only married recently though) so it's been quite a while since I've made any new friends. The ones I do have live far away and have families of their own so wouldn't be able to drop everything when I go into labour.

I just don't understand how he could do this. But I know I need to accept it somehow.

Hi I think you underestimate your friends that do not live near you. Of one of my friends rung me and was in your situation I would drop everything to help you and most friends will jump at the chance to be your birthing partner. You just need to ring one and ask and put them on notice! Have you asked your mum she might love to but doesn't want to suggest it to you. Good luck .

I am 20 weeks pregnant and been separated 2 months though I already have a dc.
You could go to nct bumps and babes look it up. Otherwise I strongly suggest you look up all the baby activities locally and start booking some. I met my mum friends through a baby class and I'd be lost without them.
In the mean time the only thing that worked for me was taking charge. Making lists and plans and shopping and researching. You need to get occupied. Get some baby books from the library and start getting ideas about how you want to do things when the baby is born. That's what works for me but I think staying busy and focused can help x

Re the birth partner - what about a doula?

Choco is 36 weeks I believe and gone through a lot of crap and will totally understand how you are feeling.

It is very difficult to accept what they have done when you dont understand it. Is he going to talk to you again about why he has gone? Although you will probably never get the answers that you want..

Are there any sure start centres near you? My local one has a tums to one group so mums to be can go as well. Ask your health visitor for information on local groups etc so you can start to make some friends.

Also, as cleef has said ask your friends for support, if you don't ask you dont get as my gran would say!

Ask your closest friends for support and see if any if them would be your birth partner. My H was there with me but my mum was there too and I was so grateful as my H was a bit useless tbh! My mum said it was a fantastic experience to see her grandchild being born and your mum may feel the same too

Brilliant suggestions everyone, thank you so much. I've just emailed NCT about bumps and babes, that kind of thing is exactly what I need to do.

I am definitely going to spend some quiet time with the baby too, that is such a lovely idea. It made me so sad to read she can hear my voice now and all I seem to be doing is crying. What a great start for the poor little soul.

My husband hasn't responded to any of my calls since he left and I have no idea where he is so I very much doubt he'll be explaining anything to me.

I will also tell my midwife. what will happen with the baby's surname? I'll want to change mine back to my maiden name so I'd like her to have that. Is that possible?

I've looked up doulas and independent midwives but I think the cost rules that out for me.

God I feel so pathetic and hopeless. Thank you everyone for giving me things I can do right now to help me feel better.

hello! I do understand how you're feeling indeed. It's like a body blow, not just to face the end of a relationship you thought you could rely on, but to not have the luxury of falling apart because of the little bean inside who relies on you now. Talk about freaking scary. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this pregnantandscared.

What I can tell you for the time being is that you will surprise yourself, over and over again about what you can do. And your friends and family will surprise you too! I cannot tell you how much I've been supported by people I would literally never have felt able to 'put upon' in the past. You are pregnant, and scared as you so rightly say - and people who care about you (even those who barely know you in my experience) will recognise this and want to hold your hand. Since I've been open about my situation, I kid you not, at least 6 people have offered to be my birthing partner! Some I'd rather not take up on the offer (found myself politely muffling squeals of horror in fact) but there are at least two who would actually be quite fun, if not the 'perfect' partner I imagined.

I get sad, a lot. I get angry a lot too. A good friend of mine had twin boys this weekend and I am a mixture of elated for her, and utterly bereft that her DP is such a good dad and loving partner. I go over every scenario in my head that could possibly happen (special care, complications, whatever horror story I can concoct to scare myself more) but in the end, I know that this baby is coming whether I'm ready or not. So far I've done ok. I have a 22month DS as well, who is thriving in the most difficult circs at the mo. We've moved in with my parents, several hundred miles from our old home, his dad visits weekly... calling it a period of adjustment may well be the understatement of the century!!

I am happy to talk anytime, and can point you in the direction of the fab advice I was given (also gives my backstory) here and previously, here. I also blog which has helped me stay positive. The most important thing is to talk about what's going on and recognise you are not the only one who is experiencing this, and you will be ok.

I second asking your faraway friends for support. One of my uni friends offered to come up from London (I'm in Scotland) to be my birth partner. I was very touched by the offer.

Don't know what advice to give. I enjoyed being on my own. My family surrounded me and dc1 with love and support. I look back at that time with fondness. The bond you and your baby will have will be lovely.

Take all the help and support on offer. Get out of the house every day, especially if you don't feel like it and your life will pick up an ebb and flow which you will find comforting. Hopefully.

Re the surname - just register her with your maiden name.

Thank you chocorasin, I have bookmarked your blog and had a quick read. I will be referring to it frequently as a fine example in how to behave with dignity and courage when I could so easily become a screaming howling banshee.

I'll think about asking friends to be my birth partner. I'm not sure I could handle the rejection if they didn't want to right now though(irrational I know, hopefully this will wear off a bit in the coming days)

lol just as long as you realise that the blog is my concerted effort to live the life of Brian (always look on the bright side) and the snot and tears me is the one who posts on MN daily.

Some practical advice I can give you for right now is to speak to your midwife asap, and have her write a letter to go in your notes that says what your expectations are for hospital visits from your ex. It may be the last thing you want to think about right now but you'll want to think about it even less the day after you give birth. I'm writing the letter with my midwife on Thursday.

I'm going to work on the assumption I won't want to see my STBXH, and will give instructions based on that assumption. That way if I change my mind I can invite him in, but if I assumed I would want to see him and then realised I didn't it would be harder to keep him away... in my case, he's not allowed in the room while I'm having my section or right afterwards. When I'm ready to allow it he will be shown into a waiting room by a midwife (not to my bedside) and I will then decide if he can come see the baby with me, or if the midwife will take the baby to him for half an hour and then bring it back to me. The last thing I want is him showing up playing happy families while I'm recovering from birth and hormonal as hell!!

FWIW midwives have seen it all before. Mine regularly sees me when all I do is cry, and comes armed with tissues and a firm hug. You will be amazed at how much people want to help and support you when they know exactly what is going on, so don't be afraid to tell people what has happened. It definitely made me feel less lonely.

No real advice i can offer apart from don't tell him your plans about giving baby maiden name as I believe he can actually register birth as you are married.

Superb advice here, little to add other than you have a few weeks before LO arrives to work through some of the shock....so do take time to focus on yourself as well as the baby.

It is amazing how many friends you'll make through NCT or other antenatal classes, plus baby activities when little one is born, that side of things does tend to fall into place...

Finally, there will be ups and downs for sure, so I wouldn't worry about being a howling banshee from time to time, healthy to get it out!

Two of my friends had break ups during pregnancy, one had no parents & gave birth alone (through choice) What they both said to me was they thought it was slightly easier being a lone mum in the first year, as they weren't trying to keep a man happy as well as a newborn, which certainly makes sense.
I found it very hard trying to be everything to everyone.

I'd also recommend a Start Start centre, so much helpful advice, and I met some new mummy friends this way too.

Where are you based? I'd be your birthing partner :-)

hope you are doing ok, you have had some good advice on here. keep us posted on how you are doing.

I have gone through it - was left by XP when I was 3 months pg. I was desperately unhappy for months and like you, worried about who would be my birth partner. By 8 months I had given up worrying but I wish I'd stopped earlier!

As for your baby's name, you are under no obligation to give them his, or yours for that matter. It is just tradition that dictates we normally give the child its father's surname.
A friend of mine named her child with a completely new surname as she didn't much like her own.

I am shocked at how many women have gone through this. It's something I would never have imagined actually happens to people (must have led a very sheltered life).

It gives me much more confidence about the future to hear how you have dealt with things and that there is hope that I'll feel calm and happy again one day.

I find myself relatively ok one minute and then a raging force of sadness and anger overwhelms me. Makes me so mad to think of him happily living wherever he is with no concerns about how this level of stress could affect me or the baby.

I'm doing my best to do as much exercise as I can, as well as making lists and sorting things out like you've suggested but it's still not easy to stay calm.

He's left us with a lot of financial problems and a half renovated house that was supposed to be finished by the time baby arrives. There's no way that will happen now, or for the forseeable future. And now it's half done it's in a worse state than if we hadn't started the work in the first place. Still, the baby's room is nearly done and there's room for me to sleep in there too. The bathroom and kitchen are also almost done and so long as the rest is safe and secure I suppose that will be ok for now.

Thanks again for sharing your experiences and giving me such brilliant tips about what to do. Even the most obvious things completely evade me at the moment.

My ex left when I was pg. I had a homebirth, it was lovely! My mum was then my birth partner and helped look after ds who was 15 months. It was my best birth especially considering the relationship had been abusive as it made me feel safe!

If you are told you can't have a homebirth then investigate it for yourself as women can be told this wrongly, I'd be willing to help you out with this. If you don't want a homebirth reconsider a doula, most doulas will work for expenses in situations like yours or there is a hardship fund doula uk doulas can apply to if clients are needy and can't pay. Also look up if there is a community doula partnership or if there are any trainee doulas (who don't charge as much).

Whereabouts are you in the country?

how are you doing ?

Are you ok OP?