DH not bothered with DD

[onalow]

I feel like I'm betraying DH for posting this. We had an argument a couple of days ago as he never does anything with DD, aged 3. I can count on one hand the times that he's actually taken her out this year. I'm not asking for much and I've suggested soft play, playground, zoo (nearby) etc on weekends but it never happens. On weekends it's always me taking her out on my own and we sometimes do things as a family, e.g going for lunch.

We both work full-time and he's in quite a stressful job do I do understand that he needs some downtime (I.e time for himself) on the weekends but so do I! It's not just the fact that he doesn't take DD out - he doesn't really play with her. To his credit he gets up with her most mornings while I have a lie-in but every time he just puts her in front of the telly while he reads the paper. He never does bath time or cooks for her and he doesn't put her to bed unless I'm out in the evening (twice a month or so).

I've tried talking to him about this a couple of times but he gets so angry and it feels like such a taboo now. I don't know what to do. I feel my daughter is missing out on having a great relationship with her dad and it makes me sad when I see all the dads with their DC in the playground. It's got to the stage where DD doesn't want to do stuff with DH anymore (she'll go "no daddy, I want mummy" or something similar) on the few occasions when he does suggest they go out together and he then just shrugs and continues to watch telly/surf the net/read the paper.

Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? I feel so sad for DD :(

Hmm

1. What is he like in general towards you? Towards her? Towards other people? What is your marriage like?

1. Are you fixated on the 'taking her out' thing? ie does he read bedtime stories to her, cuddle her, really think about this - does he do things you think 'don't count'?

If you answer negatively to those questions, you know yourself you have deeper problems than whether he takes her to the park or not.

If you can answer fairly positively then I'd say, give it more time, give him some space. I have a friend who despaired of her very nice but very lazy husband who did very little with dd. Now she is five he is more engaged and involved, he just couldn't really relate to her when she was very small. It was unacceptable and rubbish of him, but now is largely resolved.

Understood the post until near the end when you said that "on the few occasions when he does suggest they go out together"...
Did these occasions happen this year.Is he trying to get more involved now?

Do you all out together sometimes?

I do think that you are right to be concerned,as the situation may get worse.

I've tried talking to him about this a couple of times but he gets so angry and it feels like such a taboo now.

Can you elaborate?

Agree with all said so far, more info needed really. Also need to examine whether it is just that you think the things he does do are unimportant.

Just want to say, you are not alone in your situation. My situation is very similar (hence my name on here!). It's very upsetting isn't it when the father of your child doesn't seem all that interested in spending any real quality time with your them. I hate it, breaks my heart. My DD is only 19 months but in those 19 months her father has spent most of his time working,has only spent one full day looking after dd (when I was very ill), doesn't take her outside, doesn't do foodtime/bathtime/bed etc (although he is very affectionate with her, but almost without giving her any personal space so she pushes him away at times). I too have talked about this with my DP, but to no avail.

I am now separating from my partner, partly because of this, but there are much deeper relationship problems.

When you talk to your partner about how you feel, why does he get angry? What does he say? Is it that he feels criticized so therefore gets very defensive instead of actually looking at the problem? Why not ask him what he sees his role as? My DP seems to think that being the provider is the fathers role, I cannot seem to get across to him that working 24/7 doesn't make him a parent. Parenting requires time, love, effort, care etc.

If you are a SAHM like I am you really need a bit of time at the weekend for you, just a few hours to be an adult. My DP does not understand this at all. Also, if your partner spent some good quality one on one time with your DD then they would build up a good bond. It must be heartbreaking to see your DD push your partner away.

At the end of the day though, you have told him how you feel, you have suggested things for them to do together, for you all to do together as a family, what more can you do?

I feel for you, and I do understand. I really hope you can get through this. Good luck x

Sorry, read in haste, I see you are both working full time. Well you both need some downtime. Why not suggest taking it in turns to do something fun with your DD, for example, you spend Sat morning with DD, whilst DP has time for him, then you could have family time in the afternoon, then on Sunday, DP takes DD out and you have some down time and then you all spend it together on the afternoon. It could be so simple couldn't it.

He is missing out on precious times with your child that he won't ever get back.

It's very hurtful as a mother when it feels like your partner feels disinterested isn't it.

Thank you all for your your replies. Likeasingleparent, I'm sorry to hear you're in a similar situation

DH and I have had problems for a while and been seeing a therapists, which has improved things a lot but lately it feels like a downward spiral a bit. In answer to your questions about his reaction - he's very sensitive (as am I!) and gets irritated very quickly if he feels criticised. He's also prone to sulking . Two days ago when I said to him that I really need some time for myself sometimes and could he please take DD out for an hour or so, he got really irritated and defensive. I then complained that he never does anything with her and he got so angry, saying I'm an awful person and that he didn't want to see my face etc. The atmosphere was horrible until about this morning, it's still not great.
this is what I mean about the subject being a taboo - he reacts so badly even if I try and bring it up in as careful a manner as possible.

Some of you asked about whether he spends quality time with DD at home. Not really - apart from maybe a few minutes a day. Mostly he's say on the sofa with his iPad (he did help out with cleaning the storage room this weekend). He just doesn't seem to be that interested in doing stuff with DD. I know he loves her and I guess that's the most important thing but still. This evening DD cried for ages when I asked DH to brush her teeth (another thing he rarely does) and this morning I asked him to give her a bath (i always do it) but I had to take over after lots of screaming and crying from DD. Apart from feeling sad for DD, I feel resentful that it's always me doing all the routines (nursery runs, cooking, feeding, bath and bedtimes etc). We're trying for a second baby and I don't know how I - or our relationship - will cope if this continues with a second child!

I don't mean to be unkind, but maybe you need to sort this out before you add another child to the situation.
My DP is not as close to our DD as I am and at times, I could really identify with what you say too. My DD also always asks for me and rarely Daddy (and I never get a lie in!!)
You can't make him interact with DD as you would like to, but one thing that I find has helped a bit for us is to make time for DP and DD to spend together.
So, instead of saying, why don't you do x or y - instead say that you are going out for the morning/afternoon and leave them to it. Don't criticize his parenting right now - even if you would do it differently.

Dont have another baby yet!
If it is bad now it is likely to get worse with a second child. I was lucky and had a very easy dc2 but it was still a shit first year with a dh who created more stress than support. Please at least try to picture how he will choose to look after you and your dd if your dc2 is colicky, needs frequent hospital stays, or is just high maintenance and wont sleep.

Forgot to say, I have suggested us taking turns taking her out on weekends but when he does try (after nagging from me), DD says she doesn't want to (because I'm not coming). I've tried to point out to DH that it's because she's not used to leaving the house without me and that it's a vicious circle: the less time he spends with her, the more reluctant she is going to be. How can I turn this around? A few weeks ago DH did take her out for a few hours and they had a great time apparently so I think it's mainly a matter of getting them out the door!

Sounds unhappy , if you don't mind me asking OP, what is your dh relationship like with his own parents?

I think you're right - you just need to let them get on with it. My DD would try and pull a similar stunt, but you have to rise above it. I know when they are together they have a good time, but the rejection of Daddy/favouring Mummy can be a pattern that is no good for either parent or the child really.

I do sometimes go out and leave them to it but the TV is almost invariably on when I get back - and call me a control freak but I don't like DD to watch too much telly! At least if they go out I know they'll DO something.

About his relationship with his parents - that's a good point. When he grew up he was close with his mum but not with his sad, who used to be abusive (he stopped years ago and his parents are both lovely).

So sad when dad is like this. Have posted on here myself about my dds xp who refused to be in same room as her and dgs, hardly spoke to his son. Moved in with ow when dgs was 1 - originally saw dgs at his mums and my dd would stay as he ignored dgs. Now sees him for 5 hours on Sat. but if girlfriend not there he sees him at mums as he can't cope alone. Last 3 weekends he has made excuses not to see dgs who is now 3, dgs cries when he has to see dad clings to my dd and never mentions him at all. I always get flamed for expressing my feelings but if a dad can't be bothered and makes no effort he doesn't deserve to be a dad we often feel dgs and dd would be better if xp stopped seeing him as this seems to be what he wants but has to keep up appearances for his family.

So when he was a child his relationship with his Dad wasn't good. Maybe he's not confident to parent? Sometimes these things bubble away and we're not even aware ourselves.

Could you do more things as a family rather than placing so much emphasis on one-to-one time?

Also why does your Dh get up with her most mornings while you have a lie-in? Could you take turns to have a lie-in?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him but if he doesn't enjoy one-to-one time with her or is feeling pressurised over this maybe you need to find other ways of bonding more as a family just by having days out together.

God help you when you have another child

I wouldn't ttc with this man, knowing what you know now

TBH he sounds like a bit of an arse. Calling you a horrible person for asking him to look after his own child for an hour?

It sounds like he's opting out of being a parent - and you're letting him, because the alternative is having him sulk at you and get angry.

gets irritated very quickly if he feels criticised. He's also prone to sulking . Two days ago when I said to him that I really need some time for myself sometimes and could he please take DD out for an hour or so, he got really irritated and defensive. I then complained that he never does anything with her and he got so angry, saying I'm an awful person and that he didn't want to see my face etc. The atmosphere was horrible until about this morning, it's still not great. this is what I mean about the subject being a taboo - he reacts so badly even if I try and bring it up in as careful a manner as possible.

You are walking on eggshells.

Please realise that you cannot manage another person's feelings and behaviour: only he has that power. So being "careful" about how you bring things up is pointless: he will react with rage or insults or sulking if he wants to.

If he "feels criticised", those are his ego issues to sort out. You are asking him to parent: you are entitled to. To be honest, you would also be entitled to ask him to paint himself blue and change his name to Susie: he can still choose how he reacts to the things you say and do.

I guess what I am trying to say is that he is entitled to say "no" to your requests for him to be a decent parent -- which is in effect what he is doing. Now it is up to you to draw your own conclusions from that.

In other words: he is making it clear that he has no intention of being a decent parent, and that you should just shut up about it already.

No, it's not right, it's not kind, and it's not reasonable, but it's his choice.

How much longer are you prepared to flog this particular dead horse?

The thing about children is that you get out what you put in. If you spend lots of time with them, you can understand everything that they are saying, you know what they are referring to, and you get their little jokes. At that point, it becomes fun to spend time with them. If you have not invested any time, they are hard to understand and you have no idea how to have fun with them. It thus becomes a vicious circle.

I think that maybe the best way to break the circle is to go away for a weekend by yourself and leave your husband with your daughter. That way he will have to invest time in the relationship. Just say you need a little time by yourself and he, in return, can also have a weekend by himself at some point. Then just book it and go. I think he will be terrified at first but after he manages (and, ultimately, he will have to manage one way or the other) he will enjoy his daughter more and, hopefully, will actively want to spend time with her.

Can I ask why you are so insistent on what seems like tag team parenting?? I'd hate it if my dh said we were going to take it in turns to go out with our dc. That does happen when one is working and the other isn't etc but is never normally orchestrated ....we go together. Perhaps your dh feels isolated and uncomfortable being out on his own with dd at soft play areas etc why not go out more together and he might gain confidence and interest. If not then I agree don't have another child yet

I agree that you should allow him to grow his relationship with your DD before adding another child to the mix, it doesn't sound like he is really relishing fatherhood as it is

I really think this is a confidence issue, like you said a vicious circle.

How would you feel if every time you tried to do something with or for your DD she pushed you away and started screaming for him instead? I know if it were me I would be devastated and it would certainly make me believe that she didn't like or even love me.

You say that they recently had a day together and really enjoyed it, so it can be done. If he is reluctant to go out with her then maybe start at home. Announce that you are going to have one morning or afternoon off at the weekends and go out, leave him to it. Dont make any suggestions of what they do or eat but leave him to it. Your DD will probably cry the first few times but let him handle it, let him be the one to comfort her.

You say that when you go out the TV is always on - I'm sorry but you are a control freak! I would not like it either but you really need to give him a chance to do this for himself and realise the pitfalls of her sitting in front of the TV too long. My DC's get naughty if they have too much screen time so you have to start using your imagination!!

You can't assume that just because you bonded so easily with your DD that he did too. This happened with my DP and DS1 and it really is time spent alone to work out things for themselves that they need. It is (really) hard not to try and suggest how they do it or where they went wrong, but unfortunately that just comes across as very controlling and very undermining for their confidence.

His reaction to criticism does sound unpleasant though I also think you need to be open with each other about how you both feel about parenting and therefore a second child. Some of what you describe in your DH sounds a little like me - in reality not everyone finds young children fun. I worked full time from very early on and only have one DS and while these decisions were both mainly financial they were also that, in reality, I didn't much enjoy the early years with DS. I've always said that if I could produce a five year old I would love to have a second child

It may be that your DH is fine with the thought of a DC2 as long as you do all the parenting so you need to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you. Sadly you can't make someone enjoy their kids if they're just not wired that way. Equally though I don't think criticising the TV being on will help, just make him less keen to even try.

I would be extremely disgruntled if someone told me how to spend time with my children. Some weekends, after working all week, I am knackered and don't feel like days out. We sit in, potter, the children play together, I make dinner, we watch lots of films, no big deal. Not all 'quality time' comes in the form of going out and it's great if one partner loves that and the other loves home time.

I think larrygrylls idea is best, go away for the whole weekend to visit some friends. Your dh will soon realise that a child won't watch telly for any prolonged period, and he will have to do bath and story.

I can't decide if you are making too much of this, not all dads are get down on the ground and play types, and many people are knackered after work. I am not of the view that children need to be entertained constantly by their children, indeed having two children close together has solved that one for us! I take your point he rarely goes out, but if he comes on family days out, plus he takes her the odd day out, I really think he's doing ok, plus he is getting up every morning for you to have a lie-in, I would certainly put the telly on at that time!

What matters is not where the bonding occurs, but that it occurs. Do they have cuddles/snuggles on the sofa? Does he attend to her needs like hunger, needing a drink or a wee? Is he grumpy with her or actually are they pottering along happily in the same space?