DH not bothered with DD

[onalow]

I feel like I'm betraying DH for posting this. We had an argument a couple of days ago as he never does anything with DD, aged 3. I can count on one hand the times that he's actually taken her out this year. I'm not asking for much and I've suggested soft play, playground, zoo (nearby) etc on weekends but it never happens. On weekends it's always me taking her out on my own and we sometimes do things as a family, e.g going for lunch.

We both work full-time and he's in quite a stressful job do I do understand that he needs some downtime (I.e time for himself) on the weekends but so do I! It's not just the fact that he doesn't take DD out - he doesn't really play with her. To his credit he gets up with her most mornings while I have a lie-in but every time he just puts her in front of the telly while he reads the paper. He never does bath time or cooks for her and he doesn't put her to bed unless I'm out in the evening (twice a month or so).

I've tried talking to him about this a couple of times but he gets so angry and it feels like such a taboo now. I don't know what to do. I feel my daughter is missing out on having a great relationship with her dad and it makes me sad when I see all the dads with their DC in the playground. It's got to the stage where DD doesn't want to do stuff with DH anymore (she'll go "no daddy, I want mummy" or something similar) on the few occasions when he does suggest they go out together and he then just shrugs and continues to watch telly/surf the net/read the paper.

Does anyone else have this problem? What can I do? I feel so sad for DD :(

Sorry, I should have said 'constantly entertained by their parents'. We didn't go on days out, too expensive, as a child. My mum might have taken us to the local park, but most of the time, we played out or played with siblings. Most parents didn't do special outings with one parent in the 1970's!

And, don't be envious of all those dads playing with their children animatedly on the swings. Many of them (not all obviously) will be divorced and have to take the children out on the weekend as they are not allowed back in the family home:(

Dropdeadfred, as I said in my original post, we do do things together most weekends, like going out for lunch or to the park. But is it really unreasonable for me to want one afternoon or so per month to myself? Especially when DH gets that EVERY weekend? Sometimes I'd like to stay in and just read a book for a couple of hours instead of going out.

Lilbreeze - regarding lie-ins: he's a morning person and always wakes up at 6am. DD gets up shortly after that and on the weekends I usually get up at around 7 or 8. Of course I wouldn't mind taking turns in having lie-ins but he doesn't want them!

Chunkamatic - regarding me being a control freak about the telly: I don't mind DD watching telly for a total of an hour or so each day but she's at nursery five days a week so during the weekend I think it's DH's and my job to play with her, not stick her in front of the telly all day so we can do our own stuff! I think if I was a SAHM it would be different.

Also, I forgot to say that as DD doesn't have any siblings to play with, she demands a bit more from us. So unless the telly is on, one of us sort of has to play with her most of the time and that's almost invariably me. I don't mind if DH plays with her inside rather than taking her out, but he just doesn't!

But you said you had suggested taking it in turns to take her out at weekends?

Onalow, I'm not sure what the issue is here. You have a lie-in til 7/8 and he cares for your little one, so what if it's watching TV at 6am, what else would you do, cook cakes?!

Do you want time-off on your own in the house, is that the issue? I can understand that's lovely, but if your DH is happy to give you time off, but would rather stay in himself, I don't see the issue. If you are not getting time-off on the weekend, why not ask for it, but I don't think you can then specify he take her to a specific place and play with her, if they stay in and potter together while you go and have a nap, great.

I don't agree it is your job to play with your child all weekend, that might be rather intense. I think you have a one-size fits all model of parenting, and whilst I'm not saying that abandoning your child in front of the Tv is great parenting, children need space and time and not you constantly entertaining them. As I say, I would not take kindly if my husband started telling me to go out more with my children.

I also wouldn't put too much store in a three-year old preferring one parent over the other. They do this all the time, you may yet fall out of favour. Next time he suggests taking her out, don't take any notice of the 'I want mummy' and shove them out the door. I have been the unpopular parent, and the popular parent at different times, and there are problems with each! He does offer to take your dd out but your angst over fantasy dads is preventing you taking it up.

Yes, don't conceive with a man who works hard all week, and then gets up in the morning with his 3 year daughter every weekend at 6am! And goes on family days out, and even offers to take the dd out by himself, but doesn't parent how the OP thinks is correct.

Unless I saw far more tangible 'proof' of his inability to parent, or a massive bonding failure, I cannot understand the calls for not having another child. I actually find this disturbing.

onalow it sounds like the days out is just part of an overall lack of interaction your DH has with your DD which quite rightly is making you sad and unhappy

I do think family time together is important and that includes days out, not always to theme parks costing loads of money. We didn't have much as a family growing up but my dad would load us all into the car, me and DB and an assortment of friends with a big pack of sarnies and bottles of lemonade and we'd go off to the boating lake with our dinghy, or down to the coast to go cockle picking or just to the park to play rounders. These are among my happiest memories of my childhood and i'm extremely grateful to my dad for doing this for us

Right, I'll have to accept I'm obviously being completely unreasonable then, wanting DH to play with her DD every once in a while.

"Next time he suggests taking her out, don't take any notice of the 'I want mummy' and shove them out the door." Believe me, I've tried but he refuses to take her out when she's crying, says he's ashamed of her when she's screaming and that he never sees any other kids acting like that in the street.

Perhaps it would be helpful to regularly diarise Daddy & DD time, eg every Sunday afternoon? And agree to regulaise other daily activity eg Dad does bath & bed on Mondays and Wednesdays? I think if it's ad hoc the temptation for it to fall to you will be too strong. I also think as others have said they will bond more with time and it may be difficult at first but it won't take long until DD is (almost) equally happy with Daddy as with Mummy.

Does your DH have any other mates who are dads? DH has a friend with a toddler too and they have carvery/ soft play/ park 'dates' just them and our kids (eg no mums) once a month or so which they all enjoy.

First of all, forget about TTC, another child will just have more stress to the situation and damage the relationship further.

He might have had a distant dad which means the role model he may be following is the one of his dad (Reads newspaper, leave the children chores to the mum, etc sound like the sort of thing older parents used to see as the norm.

I would go back to counseling to see if the situation can be improved, but in the mean time.. take it slowly, considering the situation I would increase his responsibilities towards his child so gradually he doesn't notice he is taking on more.

Don't intervene when he is in charge. ie. If your child starts crying when he is given her a bath, let him sort the problem himself, if you take over you are reassuring them both that he is not good enough at it and he would better let you do it.

Sounds like he is a bit scared to parent and hasnt had the best role models when growing up to learn from.
Could you buy or borrow from library some parenting books that are particularly aimed at men.Im presuming there are some.
He may then feel less pressured and more confident if he can read books that are aimed at people like himself.

You won't listen to us...but please don't have another child.

Your relationship is not stable enough and your husband has not come to terms with parenthood yet (if he ever will).

It would be really selfish to bring another baby into the mix while your issues are still far from resolved.

Totally agree with pedigree's last post.

OP you are not being unreasonable, you're wishes for them to have a better time together come from a very nice place. I think though you have proved that asking/suggesting/organising his time spent with DD is actually further damaging the relationship towards them.

You really need to take a step back and allow him to find his confidence.

Sorry should read "damaging the relationship between them."

Onlow you say yourself 'we do do things together most weekends, like going out for lunch or to the park. But is it really unreasonable for me to want one afternoon or so per month to myself?'

I don't think this is entirely about your dd and her dad, I think it's about you wanting time-off and a bit of a break. And this is not unreasonable.

But this is quite fixable, just step back a little, perhaps go away to visit friends one weekend, he sound underconfident parenting on his own. Many people only do that once they get divorced and not before. Or agree an afternoon off once a month and just go out or go to your bedroom and read a book. Don't wait for him to take her somewhere, just leave them to it.

I am not sure how he is the rest of the time with her, do they have cuddles? Little chats? Is he irritated by her?

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. I feel just as you do. On the few occasions that my DP looks after dd he usually puts her in front of the computer watching nursery rhymes. I don't mind it for 5 or 10 mins, as she enjoys it, but like you, I don't want her just shoved in front on a tv/pc at such a young age (she is 20 months)....to me, now this is just personal opinion, but I think it's either a)lazy parenting (unless of course you've spent all day looking after them and just want 5 mins break), or b) total lack of confidence in looking after a child and don't know how to converse with them so instead the easy option is to put them in front of a screen and let that provide them with entertainment.

I do agree (and I do this myself) that perhaps as mothers we can often put our ideals onto the fathers and feel upset that they are not taking them out to the park in the fresh air or whatever, as to me, that is fun for the child, they laugh, crawl/run about (depending on their age!), and that in turn makes the parent happy as they can see how happy the child is. Who would want to miss out on that?

I don't think OP is suggesting that her DH takes their child out to expensive places....but fresh air outside costs nothing is good for kids and parents alike. I totally see that him just staying inside all of the time and seeming uninterested would be extremely annoying and yes, it does make you very resentful to have a partner who seems to not want to have quality time with the kids (I don't mean shoving them in front of the tv/reading the paper etc...that's not quality time).

Sorry, this is a bit close to home for me hence the rather ranty tone!! ha ha.

Like the others have said, I really would put off ttc with your DH with the situation as it is. If you feel like this with one child, he's not going to suddenly become Mr Hands On Dad with the second one. It is not a good sign that you can't bring your concerns up without him getting angry/sulking.(again, I know this from experience).

Perhaps say to youself that for a month you will just focus on the three of you having good quality fun family time at the weekend (forget about the separate time just for a month), and when you are in the park or wherever try and really get DH and DD involved, having fun together, and try not to interfere. Really try and be encouraging to both DD and DH and see if his confidence builds.

For the record, my soon to be ex DP also had a really crap father as a role model, like yours, so I wonder if they just learn these things.

My DH was hopeless at playing with the DCs. But his mother doesn't have so much as a fluffy teddy in her house, doesn't play cards or board games, and has a perfect garden (non-playable in) so assuming it was similar as he grew up it's not surprising he didn't see a need to get down on the floor and play. When they were older DH would take DCs out when he did his hobby and leave them to run around.

If your DH gets up with her every morning (worth a million brownie points imv) and will sit while she plays around him thus giving you a break then that's ok. Perhaps you should go out more to ensure he spends more time with her. Plus 'playing' with a three year old is boring, which is why you are't fighting each other to do it. If you adored playing you wouldn't be wanting him to help. (reading bedtime story etc is also boring imo once you've done it a few hundred times).

He is not being a TV style Dad but there prob aren't many of them around and men don't chat so unless DD goes to him wanting him to help dress barbie or similar he isn't going to join in.

But my DH always did bath time while I tidied up after tea, so surely yours could do something when you are busy cooking or similar. My DH is now full of pride over grown up DCs and did get more involved when they were older.