have sent my 19 year old dd to stay at grannies

[lolaflores]

due to outrageous behaviour over the course of the weekend and total lack of even common courtesy to let us know what was happening. which meant we spent 3 hours waiting for her without any lunch whilst she had a leisuryely meal with the rest of the family elsewhere.
upon her return home I very calmly asked for an explanation as to why she didn't answer our calls or text earlier or even for that matter what she thought we were doing for 3 hours?
All of which she said she either didn't know or care in reply. Add in a very generous dollop of sarcasm and self pity " you ruined my birthday, you do this every year, its always about you..."
As things were escalating I said to her to go to grannies till things calmed down.
So she went
Now the remainder of the family are saying that I have behaved unreasonably, my mother has encouraged DD to abuse me verbally as I deserve it so on

How did this end up this way? Why do I feel guilty

I hope things work out, I'm sure your dd will eventually realise what they are like for herself, I just hope they don't start on her anymore than they have already done so - golden child versus younger dd scapegoat?

Hope you work it out.

I find it very sad that at 19 & having left home she can be manipulated to exclude her mum (if that´s what happened).

So I agree that you have the relationship you want with your mum/sister, & she does also.

What does surprise me about the lunch incident was that she was happy to have it without you & didn´t think it odd that her own GM & Aunt were happy to do it too.

diddl that bit surprised me too, not a soul wanted to find out where we were. this to me highlights the value of myself within the family. Better not seen or heard. My CBT is invaluable at this point in the cycle of how things are in my family. Too much of my life has been spent wondering if that is what they mean and so on. Suffice to say that I am trying not to let it damage me too much anymore and perhaps DD1 in the fullness of time may see it too. They try to divide her loyalty and convince her that I have abused and mistreated her somehow. I was alone with her for a few years before meeting DH. Mother likes to insist that she raised DD1 for me. Exaggeration does not cover it.
Thanks for listening, I really appreciate it.

Grrrr who dare she!!!!

Be thankful they're not interested in your dd2 their poisoned chalice is best left untouched.

who = how, all the rain has washed what few brain cells I had away.

There's no need to throw insults at me, OP. I'm sorry if my post stung; I guess in the scheme of things it wasn't terribly helpful. No malice was meant, but I stand by what I said - that's how it came across to me. But yes, feeling hurt and upset may have been behind it or whatever. But I do honestly wish you well with your daughter. I know myself how upsetting it can be when our relationships with our children go wrong. I went through this for a while with my daughter - we have a great relationship now though. Hopefully you will again with your daughter soon. Best wishes.

selks apologies for my blunder buss response. v. bad mood here and touchy. We are all slightly back on a shakey track but am making very sure to keep the rest of them out of sight for now. No doubt there will be further trouble down the line but I shall endeavour to make rock solid arrangements and brook no arguments from any quater.
And thanks all for your understanding again. it means the world to me

I would have eaten and left, do yo always do what your child tells you to do, she was extremely rude and I am surprised your family is ganging up on you on this issue even if they don't agree with you you are the parent, they should back you.

thundercat04 I am no longer surprised by my family. i wanted her to have the birthday she wanted but instead I ruined it.....
My family have always undermined me regarding eldest DD but so far have not started with DD2 and are unlikely to given that my DH is not minded to be bullied.
We left without her. I have a spectacularly dysfuntional family but am sick of the toxic over spill from my narc mother being constantly explained away as my fault. Believe me there will be no more of it. In fact, I am making Christmas arrangements now so that there will be no arguing come December. gives us what about 7 months to fight ourselves into comparative peace.
Updates as I have them.

Oh and here is the best bit. My mother is at mass every fucking Sunday. Yes, what a wonderful christian, an example of the teachings of Christ.
NOT

Yes, lola, stay away from them all and only make arrangements with your daughter on her own in future.

She's 19(which is still young in my mind) and getting it from all sides isn't she

I'd try to discourage the staying with granny bit though.

OP i think you did they right thing, if she cant respect you then she does not need to be there. Please have some

She has returned from Grannies and I shall never let that thought pass through my head again..ever. I think 19 is still young and she is caught in the middle. I think she said nothing about lunch to us cos of the rest of them or felt uncomfortable and certainly wasn't encouraged to call us or invite us.

Oh dear

lolaflores Although i disagree with you comment about your mother, she may be Christian but does not mean that she is perfect. I am a Christian and the idea others have that you are saintly at all times is misleading, its something to aim for, not already achieved. I know your upset but

She's 19 and has a mouth, technically she is classed as an adult unless her fingers where broken why did she not txt/ call regarding the change of plans

19 is not an adult in my book thundercat. The girl is caught in the middle too, bless her.

Hope you're feeling better now lola.

Well she is young-but having left home you´d hope that she could speak up for herself!

She could have nipped to the loo to text if she didn´t want to do it in front of anyone.

Best to steer clear of them imo-but what if she doesn´t want to & something like this happens again-ie she´s out with them & is supposed to meet OP but daren´t tell then in case they talk her out of it...

thundercat04 my mother's christianity stretches to superstition, self righteousness and smug to the nth degrees. her understanding of christian principles is limited at best. she represents to me the kind of christian who feels sunday worship covers every eventuality and never inspects any of her own behaviour. her anger and immaturity make it impossible for her to have any depth of understanding of her religion or any of its concepts. she is less than perfect, as I am, but sometimes she fails even on a basic human level. The hypocrisy sticks in my throat.
Please understand I am not having a go at christians, rather a type of catholicisd that beggars belief. Sorry if it sounded like a pop.

Your mothers a narc, enough said tbh.

And bless MN for helping me find that out at last randomMess. it makes it easier to keep her at a distance, i know it is for the sake of myself and the rest of us here but she can't half put the boot in when she likes and my younger sister is always on hand to help.

lolaflores that my be so, but that says alot more about her personal character rather than the religion she believes in, it was a pop but i understand your angry with her. Generalisations like that are just frustrating that is all. I hope you are feeling better, and things are calming down.