have sent my 19 year old dd to stay at grannies

[lolaflores]

due to outrageous behaviour over the course of the weekend and total lack of even common courtesy to let us know what was happening. which meant we spent 3 hours waiting for her without any lunch whilst she had a leisuryely meal with the rest of the family elsewhere.
upon her return home I very calmly asked for an explanation as to why she didn't answer our calls or text earlier or even for that matter what she thought we were doing for 3 hours?
All of which she said she either didn't know or care in reply. Add in a very generous dollop of sarcasm and self pity " you ruined my birthday, you do this every year, its always about you..."
As things were escalating I said to her to go to grannies till things calmed down.
So she went
Now the remainder of the family are saying that I have behaved unreasonably, my mother has encouraged DD to abuse me verbally as I deserve it so on

How did this end up this way? Why do I feel guilty

TBH, I think she can stay at Grannies every university holiday from now on.

From a brief read through it sounds very much like your DD is running the show here. Why is she 'telling' you what the arrangements are and 'telling' you where to be and what time?

Sod that - wouldn't happen in this house! Make your own plans and she either fits in or she doesn't.

But I think Grannie may be a big part of the problem?

I know the last place I'd want my DD to and live if we had a family disagreement would be my mother's - my mother being the person most likely to have 'accidentally' egged on the trouble in the first place, which may have some relevance in the OP's story.

I don't know, obviously, the ins and outs of it, though.

Yes, my sister and mother share the belife that I am a selfish old cow and over reacting. middle sister trying to see all points

So your mother doesn´t want her to stay?

yes, wants her there. they can snuggle up together.
we have had a chat privately on face book and she has apologised but is still giving it the "you ruined my birthdy

It´s hurtful & I can imagine myself doing the same tbh.

Sounds as if she had the birthday she wanted so I don´t really see how it could be ruined.

Unless at 19 she thinks that she should still be tiptoed around & not a cross word said!

If that´s what she wants-best to not make arrangements & then just ignore the people involved!

Look after yourself.

I wouldn't 'chat' on FB to be honest. And forget the birthday. Ignore it. It's just day, a meal. She's not six.

She needs to sit opposite you, and you her, to talk about some basic rules. If you'd had rules and stuck to them, the birthday issue wouldn't have happened.

She hasn´t really apologised, has she?

You didn´t ruin her birthday.

You say that you have bipolar - that's not an easy thing for a young daughter to handle and understand without a lot of support and explanation from others. If your family have a tendency to tell her you are acting a certain way on purpose rather than, because of your illness, she may be very confused? It sounds like your Mum and Sister told her not to contact you about lunch?

She could indeed be getting mixed messages from family members.

I would suggest some basic rules, like:

1 You will talk in person not use FB.

2 You will both pick up the phone and respond fully to texts.

3 Once you and your DD have made an arrangement, only you two together can change it.

Something that easy (or hard!) can change a great deal.

lola near enough the same thing happened to me this week - dm and ds together

its v hurtful

just so you know its not just you going through rubbish like this

Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit and you need to realise shes not a child. Christ I was living on my own and working 50+ hour weeks at a care home then. I'm only 20 now!

Thanks everyone. out2lunch and I bet that is not the first time that has happened to you either. My mother and youngest sister have a very strange relationship, mostly my DS finds ways to keep me out of things till the very last minute or totally. Myself and my brother are and always have been in Mothers bad books. blame, dislike, whisper campaigns, excluding disrespect it just rolls on. It is bullying and the biggest source of it is round my daughter. Relentless really. Then since my second daughters birth, they barely see her, she may as well not exist.
This may also be typical of me being the one in front of the psychiatrist but carrying the mental health agenda of the whole family. As I said above, the bipolar is another stick to use, and the balance has been tipped very negatively towards me. Rather than help DD understand things, they have let her get on with and chosen to blame me instead. They do love a victim.

Don't blame you at all for kicking her over to Granny, but isn't that going to be more or less what she wants? Won't she get her own way even more? Particularly given the dynamics?

Sounds very tough, but at 19 she no longer needs to be looked after to any great degree. I'd be putting plans into place to get her to realise that she's lucky to still have a family willing to put up with her and wash her pants when she feels like it.

I shot meself in the foot on that one Bucharest. Though my mother is so self absobred. a few days of DD's super filth and laziness, she may very well find herself drop kicked out the door. Granny will start moaning and DD will not like that so will have to vacate.

And where will she go?

Back to Uni whilst it´s still hols?!!

she has a place lined up to rent for the summer up there and she has a job but that is near here (london) but she is looking for work near uni. all on the long finger at the moment. god help us

You don't sound like you like her very much.

selks are you deliberately being provocative or is that an ill judged observation?

It was an observation. No desire to be provocative. You can decide if it was "illjudged" or not.

It's just how it comes across to me from your posts.

selks anger and hurt are at the heart of the comments I made. If viewed through empathic eyes rather than a desire to judge in a sniffy manner, then that would be clear. Your comment seems provocative as you have taken the comments entirely out of context and seem happy to take one strand of the entire thread and make a sweeping declaration on it all.

At a quick glance back through the thread, alot of what i have written is about my mother and sister's relationship with me, my mental health and the details of the incident. I did refer to DD's laziness and filthy carry on but I think that is standard with 19 year olds and under. This then makes your one sentence, provicative. You make no reference to any of the rest of the subject material making an observation which is groundless.

It comes across in the posts.....I firmly believe you have not read them properly. You just like the sound and sight of that statement. The simplistic beauty of the timing, a little hand grenade of cheap counsellor insight, psychic ker plunk.

So don't come it with me Selks, your observation was very ill judged and flawed and I think provocative. Let me guess, you have done a basic counselling course or something...

Lola are you able to make arrangements with your dd without it involving the wider family? I would stick to you and your dd1 getting together and doing stuff exculsively and avoid your mother and sister as much as possible. When you do make arrangement with your dd1 ensure there is a caveat such as I'll be there for 1pm if I don't hear from you by 2pm I'll assume you're not coming.

You shouldn't have to do that with a 19 year old but I'd think of her as a flakely friend, unreliable and thoughtless. Hopefully if you're able to change the dynamics between the two of you her reliance on her aunt and granny will be less, they are nothing but bad news by the sound of it.

I would also keep your distance from your Mum and sister, don't bad mouth them to your nice sister but concentrate on your nuclear family.

We went for lunch yesterday, just the four of us. we were all very polite but it was nice to sit down together for a while without input from elsewhere. Have concluded that keeping Granny and DS out of the picture is the way forward. It has been a long term goal for a while now, (I keep any eye on the stately homes thread) and it is proving fruitful. Of course with DD1 there is always going to be that cross over. And it just goes to prove that any contact with them is problematic.

We are starting with a clean slate today and I shall be making sure that i get clarity from her sooner rather than later in the future to hopefull prevent such cock ups.