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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

help

46 replies

peppapiglet · 02/06/2012 23:52

feeling very low. rock bottom. had miscarriage this week. i ended relationship then found out i was pregnant. been horrendous 3 weeks. have not talked to anyone, dont have supportive family. exP has been there for me. we found out yesterday that miscarriage has happened. The decision was taken away from me as i was considering abortion.
relationship with exP was abusive, emotionally. harassing at times.
i cannot keep up with him, he is inconsistent, can be very loving then "turn". real red flags which i knew from the beginning.
i just find it very cruel that the day after scan he has given me an ultimatum to see him tomorrow or do not contact him again. i am very confused and feel very alone

OP posts:
OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/06/2012 23:54

Do not see him again. You split up with him for good reasons and don't need him back.

JaneFonda · 02/06/2012 23:57

Oh I'm so sorry to hear about your miscarriage, you poor thing. :(

Regardless of if you were considering abortion, it is still a very sad, lonely time and you need space and time to get your head around it and deal with your feelings.

It's awful of him to be playing a game like this when you're in such a fragile, vulnerable place - please don't be tempted to go back to that.

I wouldn't see him tomorrow. Instead, have a lovely duvet day with lots of chocolate, stick on some stand up comedy and, if you need to, have a big cry.

You must be exhausted. :(

Original poster
peppapiglet · 02/06/2012 23:59

its so hard having gone through the last 3 weeks to just break contact. how do i move on?

OP posts:
JaneFonda · 03/06/2012 00:01

I know it's tough, it's so difficult and you're being very brave.

It's hard, but it takes time. Time really is the best healer for moving on.

I know that's not very useful for right this moment, but I suppose what I'm trying to say is that you can't suddenly rush into feeling okay about it all. There will be times when you want to go back to him, because it seems like it might be easier, but it will just extend the period of time that you've wasted on him.

Do you have any supportive friends in RL that you can surround yourself with?

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:04

thanks JF
he was talking about "his" needs and im not meeting them. i have nothing to give. i am going to see gp. i live alone as ds (to eH) away for weekend. i only have a couple of friends i talk to. he says he loves me? but not to contact him again if i dont see him by 3pm tomorrow wtf?

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pixwix · 03/06/2012 00:06

^^ very much like Jane Fonda said. Am so sorry for your miscarriage - regardless of whether or not you were planning to go through with it - it is still a time of upheaval, and can leave you with a feeling of loss of control over your body etc..

I would say - there were reasons as to why you split up with him. You are very vulnerable right now, and he appears to be playing on this - hence the ultimatum whilst you are still reeling - meet me tomorrow or else! he sounds desperate, and is preying on your uncertainty, and need for support -because it sounds like you don't have much support - keep posting - but it sounds like contacting him would be a really bad idea.

JaneFonda · 03/06/2012 00:10

It certainly doesn't sound like he loves you - no one who loved you would give you a deadline for contacting them.

midwife99 · 03/06/2012 00:12

He is just trying to dominate & control you honey. After all you've been through the last thing you need is to deal with his shit. Just switch off your phone & rest. I guarantee he'll still be bothering you even if you don't see him as demanded but he's no good is he?! Break free love!

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:15

he has been like that from the off. constant texting, neediness. giving me no space. turning up. walking in my house, not knocking first, not respecting boundries. i was vulnerable when i met him after splitting with exh and going through divorce. he is dramatic, pushy, manipulative and i feel i have been left a wreck

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Offred · 03/06/2012 00:16

Whether you were considering an abortion or not is irrelevant. You haven't had an abortion, you've had a miscarriage and you will grieve and should grieve in the same way as anyone else.

As for your x?p... Don't let yourself be drawn closer to him. He is a headfuck. He will not help. Go and see the GP and see if you can get any practical support. Ignore his deadline - wtf?

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:18

im not sure midwife, yes he is controlling and dominates me. in fact i noticed yesterday he was answering questions on my behalf wtf? my confidence has gone

OP posts:
Offred · 03/06/2012 00:20

He is no good. There is no doubt. Why do you feel you need him?

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:21

im vulnerable i know and i almost lost the strength to get out as it was easier than the harassment and when i was low he was "there." he said he will be going out tomorrow to start a new life?

OP posts:
Offred · 03/06/2012 00:22

How does that make you feel?

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:23

ive also feared him. hes unfortunately got inside my head, ive lost myself so for some reason ive felt trapped

OP posts:
Offred · 03/06/2012 00:23

What do you mean by "there"?

pixwix · 03/06/2012 00:24

No - your confidence is still there - you had the sense to recognise what was going on, and to finish it - your confidence has taken an understandable huge knocking - but - you don't need him.

Offred · 03/06/2012 00:24

So you feel weak and vulnerable and like he is too big a challenge to cope with?

pixwix · 03/06/2012 00:25

He probably was 'there' but on his terms, and for his own agenda

NicNocJnr · 03/06/2012 00:26

Of course he was there. Unfortunately, as you well recognise, it's because you went from resolve to crushing sadness and therefore vulnerability.

You know that abusive men are not abusive all the time. The good behaviour is just as manipulative as the bad. It's all part of the cycle.

Let him go and 'start a new life' it's all blather, it's all tests and pushing to see how far under his spell you are, how far his good behaviour has gotten him.

You ended the relationship, you've done the hardest part.
You have my sympathies, I'm so sorry about your mc but you need to take time for yourself now to grieve and recover.

What are you struggling with? He is to be avoided like the plague. You ended it for the soundest of reasons. Don't let this hard time lead to years of being abused and miserable in the future.

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:26

he is a charmer, he gave the impression to pull. not nice eh when i feel as i do. ultimately it had to happen, just the timing.

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Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:30

OMG thanks so much for this support, i really really need it

OP posts:
Offred · 03/06/2012 00:33

You'll be reet peppa. You know all this stuff yourself, really you do. If you are afraid of him women's aid will help counsel you. Have you thought of contacting him?

Offred · 03/06/2012 00:33

*them! Not him!

Original poster
peppapiglet · 03/06/2012 00:36

i know i know it. why why why do i feel as i do though. weak and vulnerable. im not going to contact him. why dont i just pick up phone, i could call womens aid. for some reason i feel so cut off

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