Household chores ruining relationship

[TrippleBerryFairy]

I've posted about this before and feel a mug for doing so again :(

The issue in our relationship is that every weekend is ruined because I get mad at him for not doing any domestic chores. E.g. this morning he looked after DS till 11 but that was him lying on the sofa and DS playing around him/watching tv. In the meantime I lied in for an hour and then did a wardrobe clearout and dusted our/DS bedrooms.

From 11am he retired back to bed I took over DS's care. In the next 2.5 hours while he was sleeping I did the dishes (including his from breakfast), washed 3 loads of clothing/hung them outside/played with DS/made lunch.

We then went to the hospital to see DP's dad.

On return home he ranted about having tons of work to do (works from home) but within 1 hour settled happily in front of tv. Me: brought the laundry in from outside/bathed DS and played with him/sorted out dinner (nothing fancy today, just pizza).

He put DS to bed after I nagged him a few times. While he was with DS I: tidied up downstairs/dusted/mopped the floors/put toys away/cleaned the kitchen. He then came down and sat in front of tv. Me still in the kitchen occasionally banging things as still tidying up. Then DP asked me if I could stop being so loud as he wanted to enjoy the evening. I got mad at this point and went upstairs.

Things like that happen EVERY weekend. He does nothing/very little, I run around like headless chicken and eventually I hate him. I feel like a maid and really really would love to live separately. He doesn't seem to get it. Or pretends not to or doesn't want to as it's not like I hide my feelings, I talk to him, in vain. He always resorts to telling me that either

1. he has lots work to do therefore has no time for chores
2. is allergic to dust therefore hoovering/dusting is out of question (he IS allergic and that's fine; what's not ok is that he doesn't seem to be keen to make up for it by doing something else!!!)
3. he would have done things LATER (e.g. would have washed up the dishes, LATER. In reality they would stay there for 3 days or until he needed the pots/pans again
4. he does A LOT for the family. Whch I struggle to see to be honest. He thinks that tiling the bathroom or building a new shed (which happens ONCE, not really a regular chore is it?) means he's done his fair share. He earns more than me as well and sometimes I think he believes that also is a part of doing A LOT for the family.

I have a lot of resentment towards him. He works from home and I go to work (full time). I know for a fact he has naps during the day and in general can have an easy day if he wishes so. But then it's me who bathes/puts DS to bed, tidies up his toys and quite often washes up the dishes that have accumulated during the day! If I kick off about it he says he was working and did not have time to wash up - which I don't believe for one second! He just cannnot be bothered (best case scenario) or perhaps thinks the maid (me) will come home and do it.

I'm so sick of it all. Every weekend is ruined because I get mad at him for not doing things and then he blames my 'moods' for ruining the weekend. I tried but I just cannot shut up and put up. I fear to sit him down and talk about it again as I will be made to be the bad guy - he has so much work, I don't support him at all, my moods are up and down, I really should go and see my counsellor (his words, I do see one for issues related to low self esteem and he knows it. And once he's used it against me). And in the end after he piles all that on me I am left wondering that perhaps I am being an unsupportive moody bitch and that the issue lies with me. I know he does not work as hard as he claims he does but bar putting up secret cameras around the house I have no way of proving it.

I have been looking online for a rental properties and I would be fine on my own. I have this dream of not having to pick up after the manchild, only myself and DS (while he's small). I feel it would do a world of good to me but I haven't reached my limits yet in this relationship. If not DS I would be out of here for many reasons but it's not that easy now. BTW DP spends little time with DS alone, only if I ask for a lie in or something, rarely on his own initiative. Again, how convenient for him - I'm both maid and childminder so he has freedom to do what he pleases. I don't as I have responsibilities and obligations.

I know I should leave even if temporary. But I'm not ready for that yet. I have threatened to leave so many times that words have no effect now. But then I have this doubt what if I'm the nutter and not normal. Maybe I am overreacting.

Thanks for listening

Can you get away for a week (leaving him w kiddo) to perhaps make him realise all you do?

Get a cleaner?

Stop cleaning/tidying for a few weeks and see what happens? Maybe he will start to take a bit of responsibility...

It must be v annoying re: the cleaning but re: working from home I don't think you can be angry at him for that. It's not that easy to work from home and he could just as easily slack off in an office job...

To quote the great SGB, he thinks you're a domestic appliance with a vagina attachment.

He's teaching your DS that women are nothing more than scivvies.

He sees himself as far more important than you. Not an equal. I couldn't live like that.

It appears that many women on mn suffer the same thing. I think I've only seen one mention of a DP bucking his ideas up. Most men don't change...they just change their women into doormats

I can't leave for a week, honestly. He does have a lot to do but he doesn't not seem to be doing it or anything else! I am going away with DS for 10 days in a few weeks and can already picture the state of the house on my return and the row that will follow.

Tallwivglasses - the thing is we have no sex life either. That's a different story altogether which just adds to my resentment.
I cannot live like that either, it drives me up the wall and the levels of anger I feel are surely not healthy. I am slowly working out the solution (moving out if nothing improves) but what stops me is the doubt - what if I'm in the wrong here and don't appreciate him?

I started saving up lately with the view that I might need a deposit for a new place sometime in the future. In the meantime I'd like to talk to him but I don't seem to be able to find right words and way apart from 'you're a f twat, I cannot stand you!!' type of thing, I'm so angry at him!

I know that before i was a mother that other women made it look easy when it is not! If he has not had to do it he will never understand. I think you need to arrange a visit away to some family or friends for a couple of nights. He will understand how much work is involved then! Also consider a cleaner when you get back. That should help things considerably but dont carry on as you are as you will be miserable. Good luck.

No sex, no respect, not a great relationship with your child.....

No sex? Well, you're probably too exhausted...

That was meant to be an amusing, light-hearted comment and I killed your thread sorry moz. How's it going?

he won't change unless you do,wise up.change things.you enable this
you're the mug that enables his lazy ass behaviours

You have to make the investment in hiring a cleaner for your mental and physical health. Get your husband to work a little harder to earn extra to pay for the cleaner.

Domestic chores can kill off your relationship. My DW recently sacked the useless cleaner (again) and refuses to rehire as she is fed up with cleaners. Means that we are cleaning five bed house with 3 busy kids which is not great whilst holding down demanding jobs. It has been 4 hard months for me but any discussion about rehiring ends in a fight however I approach the subject.

The point is, domestic chores can interfere with your work/earning and relationship.....so it can be a false economy not to have a cleaner.

Before anyone asks, I do my fair share and there is no complaint about me holding up my end

This would really really infuriate and upset me too. I would feel despairing.

It's extremely unfair the way he's behaving.

My dh loves his sleep and has long lie ins at least two or three times a week - but he also does a huge amount around the house, DIY, taking dc here and there. So I don't begrudge the fact that on lie in days I've done lots of MN-ing chores by the time he gets up.

Unfortunately I have no idea how you change this.

For years on Mumsnet I've read all the 'just tell him you are not standing for this/go on strike/leave him' responses but in truth, in reality, I don't know if this works. Shit does have to be done. And you cannot force someone to change.

I take it you have sat him down and really explained how deeply this is affecting you?

Marriage and kids is hard enough - all the stresses and strains, plus marriages tend to have problems and issues - without this selfish SHIT of a man leaving all the domestics to you.

Yes cleaner is one solution - but I don't know how much it will stop your anger and resentment towards dh iyswim.

My DH does very little - he does clear up (sort of) after a meal and does a lot with the children. He pays for a cleaner to do his share. If there's a shed to be built, I do it.

I do accept that if I want things done my way I have to do them myself. Also, things like a wardrobe sort out are a choice you make to do - its not like leaving the dirty pots all day. If you can change your perspective slightly, and he pays for a cleaner (and a dishwasher) you may be sorted.

But I wonder if there isn't something else in this underlying resentment? Perhaps it is the issue of equality and respect which is the real problem here?

Also I think being married to a Manchild is a big problem as often you feel as though you are the only responsible adult on the family. I go around switching lights off, moving damp towels off beds etc etc.

I'd stop doing his washing for the time being

Moving out does sound like a pausible solution. Have you got local friends you could stay with? If you think it would be for the short term only I would suggest you deliver ds back to him every week day evening and you have ds at the weekends so he understands how much time and effort and work there is in running a house with a small child in the mix.

You're planning to leave him anyway, sounds like the relationship is completely over. Doesn't sound as if he's that fond of you either. Can't you just carry on saving then disappear asap?

You have completely incompatible views on housework by the way - he probably thinks that at least half of what you do is completely unnecessary and over the top, he won't do it when you're gone and he won't miss it. You think you're slaving away for him and he's a lazy git watching you doing his chores, he thinks you're faffing around in a mood when you could be sitting watching the telly with him.

We've had to find the middle way in our household. DP is much cleaner and tidier than me; we've agreed that there is an standard that is acceptable that we will both work to achieve but anything above that is his hobby. It doesn't always work seamlessly but at least we can have a civilised conversation about it.

Even if the OP hired a cleaner to do her DP's share, she would still end up doing all the day to day stuff, the laundry, the washing up, the childcare - that's hardly a solution is it?

Give him one last chance. Sit down with him and run through what needs to be done daily/weekly and divide it up 50/50 (you both work full time - chores should be split equally). Stick a list up on the fridge of both your chores if you have to.

I find it works better if you have clear responsibilities - eg. I do the laundry, DP puts the clean stuff away. I cook, DP loads/unloads the dishwasher.

I would also be clear that you are getting to breaking point, and if he doesn't use this last chance to do his share, you will move out. MEAN IT. Keep saving, and just think how much easier your life will be on your own.

It isnt going well. Yesterday we had a huge row about it all, DS was there so horrible. He was shouting/yelling really loudly which i realised is the reason i fear to talk to him about chores- he always descends into yelling even in front of DS. I was talking firmly but not shouting. Said i was looking for a place to move out. He kicked off and accused me of all sorts. It was bad. We sort of made up in the evening, watched tv. But then when in bed he huged me and said 'silly woman' which he knows i find insulting. So i slept in DS's room in the floor. He's a shit isnt he. After the argument we agreed what chores he'll be doing and i thought- right, he's heard me and taken me seriously so we'll see, there's hope. But that last comment 'silly woman' just negated everythibg. To me it means he sees me as exactly that- silly little woman who's kicking off about nothing and who's a bit irrational and not to be taken seriously. I'm angry with him again as it's the same shit then, nothing changes. He'll be working all say from home today and i'll be fulfilling my duty of making sure the lord of the manor is not distutbed- will be looking after DS all day, taking DP's mom to hospital to visit dad eventhough i'd like to have some rest instead. All in all, it's shit. I really cannot stand him and will be moving out of bedroom as cannot stand his physical presence. It's shit. I just dont know how i can make him take me seriously and respect me. When i get upset about 'silly woman' or similar jokes he always makes another joke about how defensive i am and how i see everything as infringement on my civil rights. Which is not true, i just want to be treated with respect! If anyone has ideas as to how achieve that without leaving him, i'd like to hear them....

Oh dear, would you going to counselling with you? If not then it sounds well and truly over. It may take you moving out to get through to him that you are serious about not tolerating his attitude towards you any more.

I'm really sorry he doesn't respect you. It must be awful.
I don't think you'll be able to change that I'm afraid.

He has no respect for you. Why on earth are you taking his mum to the hospital to see his dad? I'm sure they're lovely but that's really HIS thing, he needs to find time in his busy TV watching schedule (does he do anything else?) for it.

Out of interest, if you didn't take her, what would happen? Would he take her or would your poor FiL have to sit in hospital unvisited because his son CBA to sort it out?

Ohforfoxsake, you nailed it. It is the inequality and lack of respect. His work and his dream of building a company and time he wants to invest in it always come first. We are lucky in that we dont need to count pennies when shopping (although not rich) but is that supposed to make up for lack of time toghether/physical affection? Dont think so. Dont want to drip feed but he's addicted to porn (dont want to dvelve on this) but thats partly the issue as well. Not that i fancy him anyways given that i'm left to clean after him. To me that's just another example of how he has no intrest in me- im here to clean, look after DS and help him with the business.

You should read this too: the politics of housework.

For instance: ""Housework is too trivial to even talk about." MEANING: It's even more trivial to do. Housework is beneath my status. My purpose in life is to deal with matters of significance. Yours is to deal with matters of insignificance. You should do the housework."

I take her there because DP has something important to deliver by wed so is working. I would feel guilty if i didnt and then he would gave an example of how really unsupportive i am in tough times...

Sweetheart - really, there isn't another answer, other than to leave him. He wont learn to respect you now, he wont change... and you can't/shouldn't live like this. You will be much happier on your own with your DS and although you might not believe it, your DS will be happier too.

'Silly woman' - fucker would have had an 'accidental' knee in his groin and a bit of 2x4 wrapped around his noggin!

Sounds like you've made your decision.