Household chores ruining relationship

[TrippleBerryFairy]

I've posted about this before and feel a mug for doing so again :(

The issue in our relationship is that every weekend is ruined because I get mad at him for not doing any domestic chores. E.g. this morning he looked after DS till 11 but that was him lying on the sofa and DS playing around him/watching tv. In the meantime I lied in for an hour and then did a wardrobe clearout and dusted our/DS bedrooms.

From 11am he retired back to bed I took over DS's care. In the next 2.5 hours while he was sleeping I did the dishes (including his from breakfast), washed 3 loads of clothing/hung them outside/played with DS/made lunch.

We then went to the hospital to see DP's dad.

On return home he ranted about having tons of work to do (works from home) but within 1 hour settled happily in front of tv. Me: brought the laundry in from outside/bathed DS and played with him/sorted out dinner (nothing fancy today, just pizza).

He put DS to bed after I nagged him a few times. While he was with DS I: tidied up downstairs/dusted/mopped the floors/put toys away/cleaned the kitchen. He then came down and sat in front of tv. Me still in the kitchen occasionally banging things as still tidying up. Then DP asked me if I could stop being so loud as he wanted to enjoy the evening. I got mad at this point and went upstairs.

Things like that happen EVERY weekend. He does nothing/very little, I run around like headless chicken and eventually I hate him. I feel like a maid and really really would love to live separately. He doesn't seem to get it. Or pretends not to or doesn't want to as it's not like I hide my feelings, I talk to him, in vain. He always resorts to telling me that either

1. he has lots work to do therefore has no time for chores
2. is allergic to dust therefore hoovering/dusting is out of question (he IS allergic and that's fine; what's not ok is that he doesn't seem to be keen to make up for it by doing something else!!!)
3. he would have done things LATER (e.g. would have washed up the dishes, LATER. In reality they would stay there for 3 days or until he needed the pots/pans again
4. he does A LOT for the family. Whch I struggle to see to be honest. He thinks that tiling the bathroom or building a new shed (which happens ONCE, not really a regular chore is it?) means he's done his fair share. He earns more than me as well and sometimes I think he believes that also is a part of doing A LOT for the family.

I have a lot of resentment towards him. He works from home and I go to work (full time). I know for a fact he has naps during the day and in general can have an easy day if he wishes so. But then it's me who bathes/puts DS to bed, tidies up his toys and quite often washes up the dishes that have accumulated during the day! If I kick off about it he says he was working and did not have time to wash up - which I don't believe for one second! He just cannnot be bothered (best case scenario) or perhaps thinks the maid (me) will come home and do it.

I'm so sick of it all. Every weekend is ruined because I get mad at him for not doing things and then he blames my 'moods' for ruining the weekend. I tried but I just cannot shut up and put up. I fear to sit him down and talk about it again as I will be made to be the bad guy - he has so much work, I don't support him at all, my moods are up and down, I really should go and see my counsellor (his words, I do see one for issues related to low self esteem and he knows it. And once he's used it against me). And in the end after he piles all that on me I am left wondering that perhaps I am being an unsupportive moody bitch and that the issue lies with me. I know he does not work as hard as he claims he does but bar putting up secret cameras around the house I have no way of proving it.

I have been looking online for a rental properties and I would be fine on my own. I have this dream of not having to pick up after the manchild, only myself and DS (while he's small). I feel it would do a world of good to me but I haven't reached my limits yet in this relationship. If not DS I would be out of here for many reasons but it's not that easy now. BTW DP spends little time with DS alone, only if I ask for a lie in or something, rarely on his own initiative. Again, how convenient for him - I'm both maid and childminder so he has freedom to do what he pleases. I don't as I have responsibilities and obligations.

I know I should leave even if temporary. But I'm not ready for that yet. I have threatened to leave so many times that words have no effect now. But then I have this doubt what if I'm the nutter and not normal. Maybe I am overreacting.

Thanks for listening

He doesn't respect you, he's a complete cock - keep saving and move out. And in the meantime, stop doing any cooking/washing/shopping for him.

It's not tough times though, he had hours of fecking around yesterday when he could have been working and an hour or so to take his mum to see his Dad is nothing. He's brainwashing you into believing he's so 'flat out' he can't do these things... he's flat out alright, on the couch with the remote. I bet he watches TV or has a nap while you are out, I'd put money on it.

Seething on your behalf, mozarela. You could point out that he could spend time working instead of watching telly and porn and generally arsing about, then his important thing would get finished that much quicker and he'd have time to take his mother to see his father. But I doubt whether he'd listen.

I think that if you've got to a stage where you "cannot stand his physical presence" (and that is ongoing and not just in the aftermath of a row) there is not much hope of salvaging the relationship and it is time to leave. It certainly sounds like he either has very low emotional intelligence so hasn't picked up how furious and injured you feel in this partnership or, even worse, that he knows you are unhappy but quite simply doesn't care. Can you talk to your counsellor about splitting up?

Me too, Chipping :(

I bet you'll feel amazing when you do move out. Imagine the weight that will lift.

he sounds utterly selfish and lazy (probably not helped by the porn habit you mention). I think you should continue with counselling for yourself - not because you are in anyway unstable/moody but to help boost your self-esteem in the face of this poor treatment, and carry on preparing to leave.

I really cannot stand him

And if he suddenly started doing the dishes, would that change?

From what you've said, I doubt it.

You deserve better OP and I think you know that. "silly woman" would make me absolutely livid, up there with "clever girl" as a way of belittling! You are not being silly in the slightest.

Hello, OP

Your post raised my hackles to such a degree that I started feeling anxious and angry on your behalf so wanted to post and respond to you.

Many years ago, I lived with a bloke who genuinely thought that I was inferior to him (eg it was me who had to stay in and wait for the gas board etc if meters needed reading) and who was simply incapable of sharing the domestic stuff. His view: If it bothers you that much, do it yourself. He left piles of stuff around the flat because that was OK - we had different standards, didn't we? Not.

I left him due to his abuse and his inability to share.

And your bloke? He doesn't respect you AT ALL. Have a look at the porn he is masturbating to (I suggest that you insist on seeing it) to see how he gets off on images of women being abused and "squealing like a pig"; he calls you a "silly woman".

Please get out - he will never change. Ever. You sound nice, he sounds like a total and utter tool.

Thank you all, didnt mean to make you seething along with me... I dont know if 'i cannot stand him' would change if he suddenly started doing dishes and cleaning floors. He's doing the laundry today but has dismissed the 'silly woman' as a joke which i failed to understand so no appology there. Thing is doing laundry doesnt mean his attitude towards me changed. He said yesterday that he knows im not happy and want to move out but then i dont understand why he's not doing anything. What he meant i think was ' you wont shock me with your announcements, i know you want to move out'. I dont think i will move out immediately after this latedt bust up but i will continue saving up because this issue is reccurring and im sure we'll be rowing about the same after a while. In fact i think i have posted on here before when ii was furious because he called me silly woman. Im not naive and sure it will happen again at some point.

"Silly woman" is very belittling - have you told him why you don't like it?

I think its helpful for household jobs to write a full list of jobs and time that they take and then who is currently doing them. Its hard to know what each of you is doing without doing this ime.

Once you have got the facts and analysis of housework "out there" it becomes easier to discuss objectively. At the moment it seems that both of you think the other should be doing more.

If your dh has no will to work with you as a partnership then tbh I don't think you have a relationship there to work on.

My gosh, he is such an appendix, isnt he? A sore one at that.

Aha! Trust me your most defiantly not the only one, same with my OH, somedays it's so bad it can cause an argument for days. Men don't do anything. That's why women are superior :L

He definitely knows i find silly woman belittling along with some other things he says (e.g. That im a bit mad for example) Not sure re appendix cause to be honest he brings a fair amount of money home and in all fairness he is the one to talk after rows - i just shut down and start thinking of leaving. My counselling isnt about our relationship but i think i will touch that when time comes as it is a big reason behind me feeling low/not likeable and bit mad.

Yeah, we might be supperior but i dont want that and it doesnt make me feel happy- i just want a normal loving relationship!

An equal, loving partnership where you each care for the other is something that I think we would all aspire to. Oddly, I've been castigated for saying this on another thread but hey ho.

You do not have this, OP. Your partner is undermining and belittling you and must surely be aware of what he's doing. Using your counselling thing against you is appalling.

I hope that you DO leave him. You don't need crap like this.

He watches porn and leaves you to clear is mess up

Honestly save up enough money and leave as quickly as you can, he sounds horrendous.

He would rather use porn than be with you?

That is a big red flag.

But Moz: what would happen if God forbid you went under a bus? He would HAVE to do it.

So I second moving out for a week, leaving him with DC and seeing how he does.

Is he willing to change? Would he go to counselling with you? Counsellors are very good at making you hear stuff you don't want to!

I think I would stop doing everything but cleaning up enough dishes for me and DS to eat from and washing our own clothes. If he starts to itch and sneeze from dust, perhaps he will start to appreciate what you do.

A log of the amount of time each chore takes is a good way of laying it out on paper, to show exactly how long you are cleaning up after his lazy arse!

as for the dusting, well my mum has a dust allergy and just uses a damp cloth so it doesn't fly that he can't dust.

Also, if his mum did everything for him and his family as a kid, he might just have an expectation that it is "normal" for it to be that way.

I've just read this thread a wondered if it all worked out?
Did he start pulling his weight or not?

these sort of rows are not just exclusive to couples, havig lived in houseshares i see these rows rearing their head too, i live with a boy who never ever cleans and it drives me mental, if you say it you are faced with hostility

Is he as irritating as people who revive Zombie threads?